Ex and his wedding

[tukker]

My ex is getting married next year and DD is meant to be a bridesmaid. Dd is nearly 18 and we live in Europe. Dd has a boyfriend and wants him to go to this wedding too but exh and gf aren't so keen.
Firstly they expected me to pay for flights, I said no. Then they said they would pay for DD but not her bf..
The wedding is in July so plenty of time. Dd had an argument with her dad about it all a couple of weeks ago. Exh gf has now accused dd of ruining the wedding as there's now an extra guest and she says the plans can't be changed.
Dd just wants to support her dad she doesn't really like the gf or her family.
The gf has now text dd this morning with an ultimatum about whether she really wants to be a bridesmaid or not and they will pay for some of the flight but they will have to pay for their own food for 2 days! , and she needs to let her know ASAP! I'm really trying to stop myself texting Exh because it will be a sh!tstorm if I do, but why hasn't he rang and spoke to DD?!
It's his DD and yes it's inconvenient that she wants to take her bf but so what?! Surely you accommodate that?! Or am I being unreasonable??

Perhaps the prospect of being surrounded by her paternal family is the reason why she needs moral support from someone she actually likes spending time with.

There’s no suggestion of that in the post.

...neither is there suggestion that the BF has never met the paternal family before and will be stuck. In fact he has on a previous visit which OP solely funded.

Surrounded by her paternal family when she steps off the plane- unless you are the step mother you are assuming a lot here. First we don't know if she's taking the Eurostar😉, secondly since we are going with the flow imaginatively, I can assume that her dad and SM who are quibbling about flight costs, and are wrapped up in last minute planning won't be waiting at whatever her port is, sweeping her off a red carpet🙄

And the hyperbole- bridesmaid ALL DAY err wow. I'm not sure it's quite that tasking. He is her boyfriend and will be providing emotional support.

We paid for kids to come to our wedding abroad this summer (2 of them are 18+). Boyfriends were not included but if they’d wanted to tag along they would have been welcome to but at their own expense. We did not ask our kids bio mum to contribute either.

Wow, long thread.
Firstly the wedding is still a long way off....so who knows what will happen with ANY of the guests relationships in that time. And no way can you not accommodate 1 extra person with 7 months notice.....etiquette says they won't even have sent invites yet, let alone had RSVPs.

And who cares if DD is 18, needs her BF or wants her BF. They may not be together forever....but they might! Stranger things have happened. The job of ANY parent is to welcome your child's BFs and GFs (and friends) and create positive relationships whenever possible (unless they really are bad news obviously)

So if I was bride and groom I would say of course he can come, and sort out logistics and numbers much nearer the time. She's the grooms daughter...she should be the next most important person after the B&G IMHO.

As for paying, depends on lots of variables....assuming Dad isn't on the breadline I think he should pay for flights and put her up.....it should be factored into cost of wedding and/or normal visitation etc.
It would be a nice thing to pay for the BF too, but he is getting a trip to UK out of it so I woul suggest a two/3 way split with his parents.