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Original poster

Ex and his wedding

605 replies

tukker · 01/12/2023 09:42

My ex is getting married next year and DD is meant to be a bridesmaid. Dd is nearly 18 and we live in Europe. Dd has a boyfriend and wants him to go to this wedding too but exh and gf aren't so keen.
Firstly they expected me to pay for flights, I said no. Then they said they would pay for DD but not her bf..
The wedding is in July so plenty of time. Dd had an argument with her dad about it all a couple of weeks ago. Exh gf has now accused dd of ruining the wedding as there's now an extra guest and she says the plans can't be changed.
Dd just wants to support her dad she doesn't really like the gf or her family.
The gf has now text dd this morning with an ultimatum about whether she really wants to be a bridesmaid or not and they will pay for some of the flight but they will have to pay for their own food for 2 days! , and she needs to let her know ASAP! I'm really trying to stop myself texting Exh because it will be a sh!tstorm if I do, but why hasn't he rang and spoke to DD?!
It's his DD and yes it's inconvenient that she wants to take her bf but so what?! Surely you accommodate that?! Or am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
CornishGem1975 · 01/12/2023 10:58

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 01/12/2023 09:57

On the fence, I think DD should be able to take her boyfriend but I don't think her DF should have to pay for him

Agree with this.

Cheeseywheel · 01/12/2023 10:58

She’s an adult now. Absolutely stay out of it. What kind of father would allow his daughter to move to a different country?! He sounds like a loser

Talipesmum · 01/12/2023 10:58

I think your DD should prioritise her dad over her boyfriend tbh. He’s probably also feeling quite hurt. I’d be advising her to stop making a battle over it and go without her boyfriend.

I do understand that she wants moral support etc and if I were her dad I’d probably pay to keep the peace. But she’s being unfair as well and I think you could be perhaps trying to build her up and tell her it’ll be fine without him. Hard now though cos battle corners have been fully set.

HoppingPavlova · 01/12/2023 10:59

Her dad is an absolute cheeky fucker not paying for her flight and ALL of her expenses for his wedding.

The 17yo daughter (will be 18yo when the wedding rolls around) is an absolute cheeky fucker expecting to invite her boyfriend in the first instance, let alone having him paid for! Might not even be on the scene by the time of the wedding. If I was getting married when my kids were that age no way in hell I would have invited their boyfriends/girlfriends, let alone paid for them!

Mrsttcno1 · 01/12/2023 11:01

I think it’s very rude to even assume he would be invited to the wedding, and even ruder that they expect his flights to be paid for!

We recently got married and partners we didn’t know/hadn’t been together long weren’t invited. It’s not unreasonable at all.

It’s his wedding, they can choose their guests. They don’t have to facilitate people being there that they don’t want there, and they certainly don’t have to pay for their travel to be there. It’s important for DD to be there I would say, and he’s willing to pay for that. I wouldn’t be encouraging my child to miss her dad’s wedding over a boyfriend she’s been with for 2 mins.

Original poster
tukker · 01/12/2023 11:02

SgtJuneAckland · 01/12/2023 10:54

@YourNameGoesHere

From OPs response
The gf text and said they were going to pay for some of the flights up to £100 (they would be more than that).

Surely the Dds flights alone will be more than that

It's been back and forth about flights but the stance today is £100.

OP posts:
Riverstep · 01/12/2023 11:03

For an 18 year old still in full time education, of course her dad should be paying for her to attend his wedding and all the costs that entails. Whilst I personally would also pay for the boyfriend , I don’t think dad would be in the wrong to say he needs to pay for himself. Not sure why the gf is involved at all , sending the messages etc. It is between dd and her dad. That’s what would annoy me.

Potentialmadcatlady · 01/12/2023 11:03

GreatGateauxsby · 01/12/2023 10:58

This is ridiculous and not "a tough one" in any way.
Amazed at these responses....
It's his wedding
It's his daughter (who is not financially independent)
It's his responsibilty to pay

If deadbeat dad wants to pretend he is father of the year to his mates at wedding no 2 he can pay for his OWN CHILD and to attend.
How YOU are in any way responsible for getting her there is frankly laughable

Additionally, any decent person would want their children to feel comfortable, happy and enjoy themselves. Not be standing around knowing no one and feeling awkward. On that basis I personally would invite and pay for the boyfriend an extra few hundred on a ££ 000s wedding is neither here nor there...

Your DD has done the right thing saying she doesn't have £200+ to piss up the wall on daddy wedding and won't be a bridesmaid

100% agree

Illbefinejustbloodyfine · 01/12/2023 11:04

DD is being massively unreasonable by expecting her Bf to be invited and paid for.

FloydPepper · 01/12/2023 11:05

Cheeseywheel · 01/12/2023 10:58

She’s an adult now. Absolutely stay out of it. What kind of father would allow his daughter to move to a different country?! He sounds like a loser

So now he’s a bad father for not preventing op and daughter moving away! Pretty sure the thread “my ex has legally prevented me moving” would also end with him being at fault…

seagull82 · 01/12/2023 11:05

Sounds like your ex husbands relationship with his DD is at breaking point and being the adult he should be trying to fix that.. His fiance should back off stop winding the situation up. When it comes to dd boyfriend. Was the wedding planned before they got together and are all the other guests getting a plus 1? I get why they don't want to pay for him but if the relationship between your dd and her father and family aren't good I get why she doesn't want to go alone.

Butchyrestingface · 01/12/2023 11:06

ExH would BU to not cover all of daughter's flights and expenses.

Daughter is BU to expect daddio to pay for her boyfriend to attend and even more U to pull out cos she's not getting her own way on that front.

FloydPepper · 01/12/2023 11:07

Butchyrestingface · 01/12/2023 11:06

ExH would BU to not cover all of daughter's flights and expenses.

Daughter is BU to expect daddio to pay for her boyfriend to attend and even more U to pull out cos she's not getting her own way on that front.

Succinctly put and I agree

id also add OP should probably encourage daughter to see she’d regret not going

MsMcGonagall · 01/12/2023 11:08

I don't think she should be a bridesmaid because she isn't close to the GF. Step away from that role and just go as her father's daughter.

But if I was the dad, of course I would pay for every cost in relation to my 18 year old school child daughter and her plus one. Just as I do in every day life.

I went as a plus 1 to a wedding in my boyfriend's family at the age of 17, I don't find that strange. It was brilliant. Obviously it was 2 miles from home so none of the flight and accommodation issues that are making this a situation.

HeadNorth · 01/12/2023 11:09

I'm team daughter. Why should she save up and pay to attend her dad's wedding? Maybe she isn't thrilled he is getting remarried, she may be prepared to suck it up, but not enough to spend her own money to get there.

I also think expecting a 17 year old to travel alone and spend time with people she hardly knows (and from the sound of the GF not very friendly) is harsh - I would expect her to have a plus one for moral support.

I think the exDH is a dick who does not value his relationship with his soon to be adult daughter. It is his loss.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 01/12/2023 11:10

Her flights should be paid for by one of her parents. Would be nice for the dad to but if not then you did move away so should. It would be nice for the boyfriends to be paid but I don’t think it’s compulsory.

beanontoast · 01/12/2023 11:11

I think this is dreadful behaviour from your EXH although it sounds like the gf is pulling the strings...what a coincidence your DD has ended up pushed out for asking to bring her boyfriend several months in advance. It is definitely not too late to add a guest on at this point and given it's a) your EXH's daughter and b) a bridesmaid, IMO they absolutely should have accommodated her bringing her boyfriend and yes they should pay. Sounds like the gf just doesn't want your daughter there or isn't bothered about her being there tbh in which case your EXH needs to grow a spine sharpish and sort it out

HeadNorth · 01/12/2023 11:11

FloydPepper · 01/12/2023 11:07

Succinctly put and I agree

id also add OP should probably encourage daughter to see she’d regret not going

Edited
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I think it is 'daddio' that will come to regret his daughter not going. Unless he isn't bothered about having a relationship with his adult children - it certainly sounds that way.

PrimalOwl10 · 01/12/2023 11:12

Where did you live previously op? Were you the one to move if yes then of course you should have covered the cost for your dd to see her dad. Again you need to be the adult here they are kids he's a new bf theybare both 17, he shouldn't expect to be paid for its totally unreasonable behaviour. You might dislike your ex but they are taking the piss be a parent and tell them

FortunataTagnips · 01/12/2023 11:12

I think ex should be prioritising making DD feel important and included. If having her boyfriend there is what she needs to get through a potentially tricky few days, then so be it, and ex should pay for both of them.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 01/12/2023 11:14

InAPickle12345 · 01/12/2023 10:12

Honestly I would go against most of the posters here. They should absolutely pay for 100% of the costs incurred by a school going child to be a part of their wedding.

In this instance, I would also pay for my own son's partner if it was me but I can see why some wouldn't.

How long have your DD and her bf been together?

I agree. This isn't a holiday they actually chose or want to go on. Presumably her father wants his daughter there.

It's very mean not to offer a +1

QueenOfTheLabyrinth · 01/12/2023 11:15

Hang on a minute, so:

  1. Up until a year ago (aged 16/17) your daughter lived & went to school in the UK & called it home
  2. Then last year she moved to Europe with you
  3. Her dad’s wedding is in the UK as that’s where he lives so NOT a destination wedding
  4. In the UK she has her dad, dad’s side of the family, her older sister & her old school friends etc. So therefore she won’t be alone in a strange country as it was home for years & she already has a established network of people

Is that correct or have I got wrong end of the stick?

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 01/12/2023 11:15

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 01/12/2023 10:20

Weekend job? Evening job? She's pretty much said unless they pay she'll no longer be a bridesmaid

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Why should daughter use up her money for this? It's not a holiday she chose.

GoodnightJude1 · 01/12/2023 11:16

DD and her BF need to pay for his flight.

GF should let your Exh deal with DD

IamnotSethRogan · 01/12/2023 11:17

I think ex was unreasonable to expect you to pay.

I'm on the fence regarding boy friend being invited though can understand why she would want him there.

I think ex is unreasonable if he doesn't cover the cost of his DD's travel expenses /flights.

I think DD is completely unreasonable expecting her father to cover the costs of her boyfriends travel.

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