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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex and his wedding

605 replies

tukker · 01/12/2023 09:42

My ex is getting married next year and DD is meant to be a bridesmaid. Dd is nearly 18 and we live in Europe. Dd has a boyfriend and wants him to go to this wedding too but exh and gf aren't so keen.
Firstly they expected me to pay for flights, I said no. Then they said they would pay for DD but not her bf..
The wedding is in July so plenty of time. Dd had an argument with her dad about it all a couple of weeks ago. Exh gf has now accused dd of ruining the wedding as there's now an extra guest and she says the plans can't be changed.
Dd just wants to support her dad she doesn't really like the gf or her family.
The gf has now text dd this morning with an ultimatum about whether she really wants to be a bridesmaid or not and they will pay for some of the flight but they will have to pay for their own food for 2 days! , and she needs to let her know ASAP! I'm really trying to stop myself texting Exh because it will be a sh!tstorm if I do, but why hasn't he rang and spoke to DD?!
It's his DD and yes it's inconvenient that she wants to take her bf but so what?! Surely you accommodate that?! Or am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 01/12/2023 10:20

The boyfriend wasn't invited to wedding and your daughter is being dramatic about it

SashaBIu · 01/12/2023 10:21

DD is old enough to have a weekend job?
They should understand that she wants to take her bf. They absolutely have NO obligation to pay for him, or DD. But understandably if DD doesn't work then maybe her Dad should pay for her to go if he wants her to go. But 100% not her bf too, that's ridiculous.

lanthanum · 01/12/2023 10:21

How much of wanting to take the boyfriend is "he's my boyfriend" and how much is "I'm nervous of doing this on my own"? Would she be staying with ex or other family?
My DD is 17, and although she's flown home from grandparents on her own, I can imagine a certain nervousness in making a journey to stay with people whose focus is definitely going to be elsewhere.

AliceOlive · 01/12/2023 10:21

They seem generally unreasonable given that they want you to pay for DD to be at their wedding?

Also, I think it’s weird for her to be a bridesmaid. Particularly for a woman she doesn’t especially like. Doesn’t sound like the GF likes her much either. It’s a strange position to put your daughter in.

It also sounds like DD’s father isn’t driving these decisions.

InAPickle12345 · 01/12/2023 10:22

PurpleTinsel555 · 01/12/2023 10:18

In my family it would be expected that DD would have a plus one (boyfriend, friend, whatever) and your ex would pay for their flights, accommodation, etc. They're a guest to facilitate your daughter having a nice time at the wedding. I would see it as a small price to pay for my daughter to feel comfortable and enjoy herself.

The crux of the issue here, I feel, is that your daughter, her father and his soon-to-be wife don't have a close or loving relationship. Your ex and his gf are being stubborn about this because it doesn't matter enough to them for your DD to be at the wedding and enjoy herself. (A little part of the gf may not even want her there.) They're the adults. This situation is on them.

This really hits the nail on the head for me and that is how things would work in my family. If they were adults and working then that would be different but they're both in school.

Original poster
tukker · 01/12/2023 10:23

She can't work at the moment she can't legally and she has tonnes of homework. Plus jobs aren't easy to come by here. She had a job in the UK but the attitude to kids working is different here.

OP posts:
piperpheobepruepaige · 01/12/2023 10:23

Myfabby · 01/12/2023 10:17

curious, how does a school aged 18 year old who isn't working save?
And I don't see any blackmail here..

Show quote history

A lot of 18 year old have jobs as well as school

My ds and most of his friends are working in their final a level year.

Ex should pay for dd, but not so much boyfriend.

piperpheobepruepaige · 01/12/2023 10:24

tukker · 01/12/2023 10:23

She can't work at the moment she can't legally and she has tonnes of homework. Plus jobs aren't easy to come by here. She had a job in the UK but the attitude to kids working is different here.

Where are you that she can't work.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 01/12/2023 10:25

I'd let the boyfriend come but wouldn't be paying for him. They can work part time to pay for flights etc.

Would your daughter regret not going if in a couple of months her and her boyfriend broke up and it's too late to change her mind?

FloydPepper · 01/12/2023 10:25

harriethoyle · 01/12/2023 10:16

I think you need to be careful @tukker that your enmity for your ex isn't meaning you are encouraging DD to something she'll regret. Refusing to go to her DF's wedding because of a boyfriend she's extremely unlikely to end up with in the long term is something she could regret bitterly.

This is spot on. I’m presuming you don’t mean this to happen, but it could look very much like you’re encouraging daughter and being stubborn about attending just because a boyfriend can’t come is something that may damage her relationship with her dad and she’d regret later on

daughter needs encouraging to go. Not encouraging to refuse

PinkflowersWhiteBerries · 01/12/2023 10:26

Totally agree Exh should pay for his DD to attend, and that she should have been offered a plus 1, but would expect said plus one to pay their own way, unless ExH & his GF are paying everyone’s travel .

That said, I also agree that, at their age, there is a chance that BF may not be around by July.

Have a chat with DD about whether she really wants to go, if so suggest she calls her dad to discuss, like an adult. But keep yourself out of it as it will never go well for you.

AmazingSnakeHead · 01/12/2023 10:26

Do they think you should pay because you moved DD abroad?

Vinrouge4 · 01/12/2023 10:26

piperpheobepruepaige · 01/12/2023 10:23

A lot of 18 year old have jobs as well as school

My ds and most of his friends are working in their final a level year.

Ex should pay for dd, but not so much boyfriend.

Show quote history

You have clearly never lived in another country. Different rules on young people working.

Original poster
tukker · 01/12/2023 10:26

InAPickle12345 · 01/12/2023 10:22

This really hits the nail on the head for me and that is how things would work in my family. If they were adults and working then that would be different but they're both in school.

Show quote history

This is what I am thinking. Exh would be happy if I paid but why should I pay for Dd to go to his wedding?! He pays very little as it is £200 a month and expects that to cover everything.

OP posts:
ButterCrackers · 01/12/2023 10:27

Her father should pay for her flights, accommodation, dress and meals and everything. If her bf is not her partner for life he could pay for himself to attend.

Myfabby · 01/12/2023 10:28

piperpheobepruepaige · 01/12/2023 10:23

A lot of 18 year old have jobs as well as school

My ds and most of his friends are working in their final a level year.

Ex should pay for dd, but not so much boyfriend.

Show quote history

my point was she isn't working. I know some teenagers do work, but she isn't.

So what does she save?

wildwestpioneer · 01/12/2023 10:29

I think your ex is a major cf expecting you to pay for her flight to start with. That kind of sets the scene for what he's like. Glad to see he's relented in this.

I don't think it's unreasonable for your dd to want her bf to accompany her. If I was in her df shoes, I'd pay for her and her bf to attend, but seeing as he tried to get you to pay for her initially I guess that's not something he'd even consider.

lunar1 · 01/12/2023 10:29

I think if you moved your DD abroad while still a child, you should be paying for her to visit anyway.

There isn't really enough information to know though.

YourNameGoesHere · 01/12/2023 10:30

I agree with a PP is some of his expectation that you pay some of the cost because you moved her to another country?

He's not being unreasonable at all to not want to invite or pay for her BF. She's hardly going to be alone and need company at her own father's wedding.

User1775 · 01/12/2023 10:31

DD is using this as a test to see who her father picks - her or the gf. He will pick the gf and DD's relationship with him will be ruined. It is a shame but not uncommon. His gf has created this battleground over what? A few hundred pounds but she will get what she wants - rid of DD. It is a shame some men are so weak they allow this to happen.

waterrat · 01/12/2023 10:32

AT 18 I would have expected to bring my boyfriend to my own parents wedding. She is a teenager and wants to feel welcome and have a buddy with her.

Come on - think like a teenager here! This is her closest family member - her dad ! Provide food for two days??? this is basic parenting.

Original poster
tukker · 01/12/2023 10:32

It's a tough one, I see it from both sides. I'm not encouraging my dd to do anything I'm just talking to her objectively.
Yes the bf may not be around after July but dd doesn't want to travel alone and be left with people who she doesn't really like.
Exh knows she has no money but would have been perfectly happy for me to pay. He even said so! which I am not.

OP posts:
toddlermam · 01/12/2023 10:34

Exh should 100% be paying for DD to come.

Ghentsummer · 01/12/2023 10:36

I was assuming your ex had moved to the UK so was thinking he should obviously pay for his dd's flights and expenses. But it seems that you moved her abroad last year in which case perhaps you should be paying for the flights.

It's mentioned all the time on here that the parent moving the child far away should be covering the costs of travel for the child to see their other parent. Why should your ex have to spend hundreds on flights because of a decision you made?

InAPickle12345 · 01/12/2023 10:37

@tukker Expecting you to pay anything at all towards DD to attend his wedding is lunacy to me, id have laughed him out the door.

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