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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex and his wedding

605 replies

tukker · 01/12/2023 09:42

My ex is getting married next year and DD is meant to be a bridesmaid. Dd is nearly 18 and we live in Europe. Dd has a boyfriend and wants him to go to this wedding too but exh and gf aren't so keen.
Firstly they expected me to pay for flights, I said no. Then they said they would pay for DD but not her bf..
The wedding is in July so plenty of time. Dd had an argument with her dad about it all a couple of weeks ago. Exh gf has now accused dd of ruining the wedding as there's now an extra guest and she says the plans can't be changed.
Dd just wants to support her dad she doesn't really like the gf or her family.
The gf has now text dd this morning with an ultimatum about whether she really wants to be a bridesmaid or not and they will pay for some of the flight but they will have to pay for their own food for 2 days! , and she needs to let her know ASAP! I'm really trying to stop myself texting Exh because it will be a sh!tstorm if I do, but why hasn't he rang and spoke to DD?!
It's his DD and yes it's inconvenient that she wants to take her bf but so what?! Surely you accommodate that?! Or am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
RecoveryDue · 03/12/2023 16:34

As a parent I would pay for my child and a friend or partner to come to my wedding. At least till they left university if they were studying. I can’t imagine getting married with my kids being there.

I gave +ones to every person coming on their own to my wedding so that they would have their own friend there. Why would I not extend that to my child?

Dan1975 · 03/12/2023 17:09

You / Dd are being unreasonable. Not your wedding not your choice

FailingMum81 · 03/12/2023 17:49

Absolutely what RecoveryDue said!! 100%

Scottishskifun · 03/12/2023 18:05

Dan1975 · 03/12/2023 17:09

You / Dd are being unreasonable. Not your wedding not your choice

Have you missed the part where the Dad first wanted is Ex wife to pay the plane fare, followed by it will be his DD Xmas and 18th birthday cost followed by it should come out of the £200 maintenance pitetence he pays a month?!

There is definitely someone being unreasonable here definitely not the OP or her DD!

Osmond · 03/12/2023 18:43

Dad should pay every expense to ensure his 17 year old daughter is present at his wedding. However, if she insisted on bringing her OLDER boyfriend that I didn't know or trust then I would pay for separate rooms and post guards (best men) at the door.

MargotBamborough · 03/12/2023 18:57

Dan1975 · 03/12/2023 17:09

You / Dd are being unreasonable. Not your wedding not your choice

It is the daughter's choice whether or not she goes though.

Blades2 · 03/12/2023 19:16

I’m sorry but YAVU.
my dad remarried when I was 20, I was a bridesmaid and also living abroad at the time.
my partner at the time and I paid for our own flights.

nicnac79 · 03/12/2023 19:19

If he wants her to go to the wedding then he should pay for her. I wouldn't dream of asking my ex to stump up money for our child to attend my wedding abroad.

Pemba · 03/12/2023 19:26

Blades2 · 03/12/2023 19:16

I’m sorry but YAVU.
my dad remarried when I was 20, I was a bridesmaid and also living abroad at the time.
my partner at the time and I paid for our own flights.

Have you missed where the DD and her partner are still at school, so no income? What are they going to pay with?

Also, sorry to say it, I think your dad was a bit mean not to help you out with the airfare. Unless he was on the breadline, and maybe you had a particularly high income for a 20 year old. Or there's some other factor you've not mentioned.

You were a bit older and it's a different situation.

MargotBamborough · 03/12/2023 20:25

Blades2 · 03/12/2023 19:16

I’m sorry but YAVU.
my dad remarried when I was 20, I was a bridesmaid and also living abroad at the time.
my partner at the time and I paid for our own flights.

Presumably you were working and not still at school at the time?

Thefoxandthebox · 03/12/2023 21:08

There's nothing like a wedding or a funeral to start a row!
I think it should be more than reasonable to expect his daughter to be accompanied by someone and to at least pay for her flight .Their the one's who invited her.
Why should she be on her own and be nobby no mates at the reception too,surely she wants to be with a friend of he own age .

Nonass · 04/12/2023 00:00

I agree with you. It is his responsibility to sort and he needs to set a precedent to demonstrate his daughter matters. The boy friend is her support at an event that will feel hostile. He probably doesn't want to go. How many 17 or 18 year olds want to attend family weddings?
The photos don't matter, the cost doesn't matter, the boy friend's duration doesn't matter but the events around her non attendence will impact into the longer term relationship between her and her dad. He sounds like a man who lets his partner make his decisions for him. Maybe for an easy life or maybe he has never taken responsibility for the effect he has on others.

Bulbnotbolb · 04/12/2023 14:37

maybe im really weird but im surprised by most responses. if I was getting married and my 17 yo lived in another country I would 100% pay for her flight/expenses and boyfriends flight at least!! he's her support, I would have felt awkward in that situation at 17.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 04/12/2023 16:29

Bulbnotbolb · 04/12/2023 14:37

maybe im really weird but im surprised by most responses. if I was getting married and my 17 yo lived in another country I would 100% pay for her flight/expenses and boyfriends flight at least!! he's her support, I would have felt awkward in that situation at 17.

You're not weird; you're a decent person.

Tandora · 04/12/2023 17:21

Butchyrestingface · 01/12/2023 11:06

ExH would BU to not cover all of daughter's flights and expenses.

Daughter is BU to expect daddio to pay for her boyfriend to attend and even more U to pull out cos she's not getting her own way on that front.

This. Your daughter’s behaviour regarding her boyfriend’s costs is very entitled and brattish/ immature. Equally your husband should be the one talking it through with her- not delegating this to his wife to be.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 04/12/2023 17:25

Nonass · 04/12/2023 00:00

I agree with you. It is his responsibility to sort and he needs to set a precedent to demonstrate his daughter matters. The boy friend is her support at an event that will feel hostile. He probably doesn't want to go. How many 17 or 18 year olds want to attend family weddings?
The photos don't matter, the cost doesn't matter, the boy friend's duration doesn't matter but the events around her non attendence will impact into the longer term relationship between her and her dad. He sounds like a man who lets his partner make his decisions for him. Maybe for an easy life or maybe he has never taken responsibility for the effect he has on others.

I can't get over the fact so many posters think this is some sort of jolly for daughter and her boyfriend.

I don't have the slightest doubt they both have better things to spend their money and time on.

Coyoacan · 04/12/2023 17:49

I think you should stay out of it, OP, and I think the father should pay for his dd and her bf if he wants to have a relationship with her going forward. These are emotional problems for the children of divorced parents

Madamum18 · 04/12/2023 17:54

ThePineapplePrincess · 01/12/2023 11:50 Wow. Your DD is really selfish. She’s refusing to go to her father’s wedding because they don’t want to have a random guest that none of them are going to know in about a year’s time anyway? And not just that, but she expects them to fund this randomer too! Which wouldn’t even need funding if her own mother hadn’t moved countries and taken her away from said father, and then she has the audacity to complain about the bond she had a hand in ruining. You haven’t brought your daughter up very well at all. I’d be ashamed.

Your post is just one of several unkind, unpleasant and quite frankly bonkers comments on this situation. The OP and her daughter have been villified to within an inch of their life by a minority!

I hope you can ignore them OP

Pemba · 04/12/2023 18:02

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 04/12/2023 17:25

I can't get over the fact so many posters think this is some sort of jolly for daughter and her boyfriend.

I don't have the slightest doubt they both have better things to spend their money and time on.

Show quote history

Exactly! There seems to be an influx of posters on here who are very keen to stick the boot in to the OP and her poor DD (a schoolgirl of 17 who has not been properly supported by her dad for at least the last 8 years, and who has recently been made to feel how unimportant she is in his life and is understandably a bit upset about that).

What these posters have in common is that a lot of them obviously can't be bothered to read through the thread and keep misunderstanding the situation and dragging up things that have already been answered. Poor spelling and grammar is a feature with a lot of them as well. Particularly the 'farther' who was rambling on a couple of pages ago, that one was a bit weird.

Can only think that this thread has been linked to on some dodgy website, unfortunately.

Anyway the DD is not going to the wedding now, and I really don't think she'll be missing much.

Katej82 · 07/12/2023 00:23

Pemba · 04/12/2023 18:02

Exactly! There seems to be an influx of posters on here who are very keen to stick the boot in to the OP and her poor DD (a schoolgirl of 17 who has not been properly supported by her dad for at least the last 8 years, and who has recently been made to feel how unimportant she is in his life and is understandably a bit upset about that).

What these posters have in common is that a lot of them obviously can't be bothered to read through the thread and keep misunderstanding the situation and dragging up things that have already been answered. Poor spelling and grammar is a feature with a lot of them as well. Particularly the 'farther' who was rambling on a couple of pages ago, that one was a bit weird.

Can only think that this thread has been linked to on some dodgy website, unfortunately.

Anyway the DD is not going to the wedding now, and I really don't think she'll be missing much.

Show quote history

Completely agree! I can't believe it either where are all the women who normally knock the step mum for not encouraging and supporting SD and dad's relationship this step mum has sent ultimatums to this poor girl. If dad wasn't getting married child would have no need to travel she's a minor yet they expect she travels alone and pays herself absolutely shocking! We would happily pay for SD to come to our wedding had she been living abroad course you would want them there and want them to be feeling relaxed and happy with a plus 1.

MumoftwoGirls11 · 09/12/2023 00:02

I would 100% invite and pay for DD’s bf as well. She’s chosen him, and she’s my daughter so he is welcome. Whether the relationship lasts or not is irrelevant. At this point in time they are a couple and I wouldn’t invite one half of a couple, and especially not be unwelcoming to the boy that is making my child happy. Jeez people are so selfish and cruel.

LadyBird1973 · 10/12/2023 08:48

I think it's a mistake to assume the boyfriend won't be around long term and refuse to make him feel like a wanted guest.
Dd may well stay with him. My son met his girlfriend at 16 - they are 22 now and still very much together. I married the boyfriend I had at 18 and had children. You never can tell and in years to come, if her relationship does go the distance, both of them will remember that her dad made him feel unwelcome.

And even if they break up 2 weeks after the wedding, she will remember that dad treated her like an unpaid babysitter at his wedding and didn't even let her have company and support.

I can see why she's prioritising her boyfriend - seems like dad has done the bare minimum for her and now chickens are coming home to roost.

Cyb3rg4l · 10/12/2023 12:47

She’s 17 not 7 and will be surrounded by her paternal family when she steps off the plane. She is also part of the bridal party so will be busy all day - what is BF going to do all by himself stuck in a wedding where the only person he has ever met before is tied up with being a bridesmaid ALL day, surrounded by strangers. He’s not an emotional support animal.

Scarletttulips · 10/12/2023 13:06

She is also part of the bridal party so will be busy all day -

Doing what? Walk down the aisle and a few pics?

Gwenhwyfar · 11/12/2023 18:47

Scarletttulips · 10/12/2023 13:06

She is also part of the bridal party so will be busy all day -

Doing what? Walk down the aisle and a few pics?

Yes, it wasn't such hard work when I did it!
I think you're supposed to carry things for the bride if she needs help, but apart from that...