Ex and his wedding

[tukker]

My ex is getting married next year and DD is meant to be a bridesmaid. Dd is nearly 18 and we live in Europe. Dd has a boyfriend and wants him to go to this wedding too but exh and gf aren't so keen.
Firstly they expected me to pay for flights, I said no. Then they said they would pay for DD but not her bf..
The wedding is in July so plenty of time. Dd had an argument with her dad about it all a couple of weeks ago. Exh gf has now accused dd of ruining the wedding as there's now an extra guest and she says the plans can't be changed.
Dd just wants to support her dad she doesn't really like the gf or her family.
The gf has now text dd this morning with an ultimatum about whether she really wants to be a bridesmaid or not and they will pay for some of the flight but they will have to pay for their own food for 2 days! , and she needs to let her know ASAP! I'm really trying to stop myself texting Exh because it will be a sh!tstorm if I do, but why hasn't he rang and spoke to DD?!
It's his DD and yes it's inconvenient that she wants to take her bf but so what?! Surely you accommodate that?! Or am I being unreasonable??

Your DD is being unreasonable.
Her boyfriend has not been invited. They will not be seated together and your DD will have bridesmaid duties.
If the boyfriend wants to travel with her he should be paying but not attending the wedding. (I think it's unnecessary for him to go anyway.)
You should encourage DD to go to support her father as she had already agreed. You should be explaining to her that it's fair for her Dad to pay for her but her boyfriend has no invitation - which is not rude nor unexpected for non engaged school aged boyfriends..

I don’t think your daughter is being a brat at all. She’s his daughter and still in school. It’s for his benefit that he wants her to go to the wedding. Therefore he should cover the expenses and for a +1 so she isn’t having to be by herself. He won’t be spending time with her and therefore will be alone.

The fact he wanted op to cover the cost speaks volumes. The fact he’s letting the GF text DD about it rather than be a father also speaks volumes. He’s an Ex for a reason. DD can just refuse and leave them to it. If he really wanted her there he’d make it comfortable for her.

Exactly, it's her father. I'm amazed too.

OP you definitely should not be paying for her flights.

I think the crux of the issue is why DD thinks it's ok to invite a guest to someone else's wedding then throw a strop when the Bride and Groom object!

He's not invited. So why would they pay?!

I totally agree the bf doesn't have to go and exh doesn't have to pay, but for the sake of an extra couple of hundred pounds on top of everything else. Dd doesn't like the gf or her family so taking the bf is important to her she said she was only going for her dad, but thr message seems like he will be occupied elsewhere.
It does seem like the gf doesn't want her there really, just her and her family.
Maybe exh will regret not keeping a bond with his daughter if and when the marriage fails, who knows?!

It sounds like your DD just wants some support/someone there with her for the wedding, probably because she's not awfully keen on the GF and is going to find it a struggle to 'paint a smile' on all day.

I take it DD isn't awfully close to her Dad's side of the family?

As far as the money goes, I really think the BF or his family should have offered to chip in, at least partially. You've already funded him for a trip to the UK this year. I can see why her Dad might not want that extra expense.

It does also sound like the GF isn't a fan of you DD making demands, especially for her wedding.

Probably for the best that DD has bowed out, if nobody's going to shift their stance.

But she has support from his side of the family surely? Also of course he's going to slightly preoccupied elsewhere as it's his wedding day.

It's interesting you're ignoring some of the posters asking for more context over the move etc.

The move is irrelevant, it was agreed by all parties.

The crux of the matter is father should have offered a +1 invitation in the first place.

Your daughter wasn't unreasonable. Your ex and his girlfriend sound awful. Mean and mean spirited.

of course DF doesn't have to pay for DD boyfriend to go his own wedding. he's not invited and if he wants to come he can pay himself.

weddings are expensive and it is unreasonable, the fact that she won't got t0o her DF wedding unless she can bring her boyfriend is quite horrible tbh.

DF should obviously pay for his kid to come that is absurd however

I think you should keep out of it. Bit cheeky of them expecting you to pay.
Up to your DD and her boyfriend what they do. But I don't think ex should be expected to pay for boyfriend.

Oh give over, she’s not going to be alone is she? Her father’s side of the family & HER OLDER SISTER will be there. If anything, it’s the boyfriend who’s not going to know anyone & will be left alone the majority of the time as your daughter will have bridesmaid’s duties, be seated away from him with the bridal party etc. Or is she going to kick up a fuss about that too & expect her boyfriend to be seated up front with her?

It’s very telling that you’re avoiding questions about where your daughter was living before & the circumstances of the move & no it’s not irrelevant just because it was agreed - whether your daughter has lived her whole life in the UK is very relevant if that’s where the wedding is.

missing your dads wedding for a school boyfriend is not easily forgivable tbh.

She's only 17. Presumably she's not been with her bf for that long and might not be by next July. They've not met him before. Why should they have to accommodate him.
The reality is that most wedding planning and stress falls upon the bride to be. If the BF wants a holiday, he should pay.

Why, and says who? Children don't normally get a plus one!

I don't think expecting for the couple to pay for him as well as carry on the financial and admin burden of including an extra person in the wedding is a fair expectation.

Admin burden of enabling your 18 year old to have a pleasant time at her father's wedding?? Admin burden - ffs.

your dd would like to have at least 1 guest (bar her dad) that she likes and gets on with. This will make her feel more comfortable. That's reasonable. They may be 18, but they're not independent. If I was the dad I'd do anything to have my dd there and to make her feel happy, even if that meant paying for the bf.

It's not really irrelevant when she lived there so recently and I'm not sure why she needs her BFs support when she's got family in the UK including a sister so she would hardly be alone or lonely.

Well any decent father who wanted his daughter there. There's some posters on here who are as mean and mean spirited as the father and his new girlfriend.

I can't imagine if I were in this situation not offering to pay the whole costs for my daughter to attend and to bring her boyfriend. It's so obviously the decent thing to do.

Your ExH sounds like an absolute stinge. FFS, they are at school, he must know that they don't have the money to spend on flights and whatever else is entailed (hotel, food, drinks etc.

Surely it's safer and more enjoyable for DD to travel with her BF.

If he can afford a big wedding, then he can afford for his DD to bring a plus 1.

I'd be tempted when your DD gets married to only invite her Dad and leave out the GF. Give the same reasons. I bet that'll go down like a fart in a spacesuit.

Her older sister is present so no the boyfriend should not be coming.

I expect there will be some other adults in their 20s and early 30s there as well.

Amongst my family and friends if we know there is a guest, particularly one under 25, who doesn't know more than one person we ensure they are looked after by other guests at the wedding for their full stay.

I had a good eye roll at "the admin burden"

I suspect there's alot here that we don't know about would be interested to get the exdh pov.