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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult children - feeling a bit unloved

361 replies

mindsetchange · 01/12/2023 08:06

Is this just the way it is, for a lot of us Mums of adult children? My kids are mid 20's. They have successful lives. They have good jobs and relationships. I am very grateful for that. But.... I don't feel important to them. Maybe that's how it should be?

If I send a Whatsapp message, it sits unread for days. They don't visit often. There is definitely nothing "wrong" between us, because when I do see them, we have a great time. There have been no fall outs or anything. I think they are probably just enjoying their very full lives and I've been left in the dust, so to speak.

I have a good DH, and a good life. I think I need to somehow stop thinking about them all the time. How does one do that? Can anyone resonate with this? I sometimes see women who seem to be the "Matriarch", but that is definitely not me. I spoiled them rotten (still do), I really went overboard to compensate for me divorcing their Dad (he cheated lots). Bizarrely, he seems to be on a pedestal as well.

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 01/12/2023 08:18

Do you ring them OP? I speak to my parents on the phone at least once a week.

jeaux90 · 01/12/2023 08:18

Sounds like you did an amazing job as a parent. We are supposed to bring up independent adults.

Time to do more of what you want.

tescocreditcard · 01/12/2023 08:24

They don't visit often.

So what happens when you cook up a big roast dinner/chilli/spag bol and invite them round? What do they say to that?

Findapath · 01/12/2023 08:25

Same here. It’s tough. Eldest is 26 and he’s getting better at communication now - will ring unsolicited at least once a week which is a big shift. Youngest in first term at uni - hardly hear from him , if I WhatsApp how are you how’s things I miss you hope you having fun ( needy mum) I get a ‘ye gud luv u’ day or so later. Deep breath, it’s good they are living their lives

Findapath · 01/12/2023 08:29

(Also, I’ve found changing the Amazon/Netflix password brings them out of the woodwork 😊)

anythinginapinch · 01/12/2023 08:34

Same. I think, they'll get in touch if anything is actually wrong in their lives so no news is good news. I recall finding my DM low on my list in my 20s (mind you, I am a much better, less annoying mum than she was!). The idea of speaking weekly is too much for me. I take mine away for a week in the summer all paid for them and that way I do get a "reset" time with them but I'm lucky I can afford to do that.

No one loves us like a 3 year old tho - the fact is we are less essential to life than we were, for them. And that's a good thing. But painful yes.

Original poster
mindsetchange · 01/12/2023 08:35

I don't ring them, but I do send lots of messages. It's not as easy as making a big meal and asking them over. They both live in different towns to me. They are both about 45 minutes away, in opposite directions. Neither drives. It would be a train journey to get here plus a long walk. They work where they live. They socialise where they live every weekend. They have lots of friends and loads going on. There isn't any time left for me. I do get that. I think the thing that's hurting me at the moment is not replying to messages. It just seems a bit neglectful.

OP posts:
Original poster
mindsetchange · 01/12/2023 08:37

Actually they DO reply to messages, but it's normally about 3 days later!! 😫

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 01/12/2023 08:39

Same here. I don’t hear from them unless they want something, the total opposite to how I was with my DM, I’d ring and/or visit every week.
One of them ignores my texts, then pretends they never got them, but the other will answer.
Keep saying to yourself that you did a good job bringing up independent adults, and cry into your coffee at the same time.

Maddy70 · 01/12/2023 08:39

mindsetchange · 01/12/2023 08:35

I don't ring them, but I do send lots of messages. It's not as easy as making a big meal and asking them over. They both live in different towns to me. They are both about 45 minutes away, in opposite directions. Neither drives. It would be a train journey to get here plus a long walk. They work where they live. They socialise where they live every weekend. They have lots of friends and loads going on. There isn't any time left for me. I do get that. I think the thing that's hurting me at the moment is not replying to messages. It just seems a bit neglectful.

45 mins is less than my journey to work. Why don't you arrange a pub lunch in their town ?

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 01/12/2023 08:40

mindsetchange · 01/12/2023 08:35

I don't ring them, but I do send lots of messages. It's not as easy as making a big meal and asking them over. They both live in different towns to me. They are both about 45 minutes away, in opposite directions. Neither drives. It would be a train journey to get here plus a long walk. They work where they live. They socialise where they live every weekend. They have lots of friends and loads going on. There isn't any time left for me. I do get that. I think the thing that's hurting me at the moment is not replying to messages. It just seems a bit neglectful.

What does lots of messages mean?
Are they informative/ important or “fluff”?

blobby10 · 01/12/2023 08:41

@mindsetchange it does seem to be 'normal' and a sign that we have done a good job. My second DS (25) has moved back with me for 6 months whilst he saves for a deposit but he will be moving 3 hours away. Eldest is currently 3 hours away, youngest (DD) is 2 hours away - all in slightly different directions. We communicate via whatsapp almost daily but its always me who starts the conversation - occasionally they will phone for a chat. This morning I had a lovely surprise call from my DD - she wanted advice on the best white wine to get her friend as a leaving present Grin.

So long as they are happy and achieving everything they want to in life, I don't mind being an afterthought - its time for me to make my own life - their dad has remarried. My partner died Nov last year so it will be just me for the rest of my life so I'm going to get a dog. I know they love me - they tell me lots and the hugs are just amazing! I get lots of those when we are together. Grin

JennyForeigner · 01/12/2023 08:42

My mum could probably have written this a few years ago. We all went off and worked overseas, which is probably easier in terms of understanding not replying and so on.

Then we settled down and bought houses and struggled with the adult stuff and started to think about families of our own. Mum became completely central to our lives again in the most natural way. We wouldn't have a clue what to do without her and thank the god of nannas that we got a great one every day.

At that point 45 minutes distance may feel just about perfect!

DelurkingAJ · 01/12/2023 08:42

I don’t believe that how much you love someone can be measured in how often you contact them. I can think of some miserable relationships where there are duty phone calls daily. On the other hand, my DM is utterly amazing and when I was in my 20s she heard from me almost never. I do try to ring her about once a week now because she’s getting older. We only go to her a couple of times a year (it’s a couple of hours but the DC have weekend activities etc) but she comes to us about once every six weeks. And we all love her dearly!

Lizzbear · 01/12/2023 08:44

Hi op
I completely understand how you feel.
My ds is 22 and I miss him wanting to do things with me.
I think it's normal, but yes it does hurt. And mine still lives at home 🏠
I think maybe you are feeling side-lined and you could mention it to them, as maybe they don't realise!
I didn't bother very much with my parents until my 30s. I was too busy with my love-life .
You have my sympathies op

NotEvenThought · 01/12/2023 08:44

It won't mean anything. They will be busy.

Do you do any activities with them?

Marshtit · 01/12/2023 08:46

invite them round
invite them to meet halfway
call them

SgtJuneAckland · 01/12/2023 08:47

Could you arrange in advance to see each one once a month/six weeks. You go to their towns go for coffee/lunch etc you don't have to see them at the same time of they live in opposite directions.

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 01/12/2023 08:47

Happy independent kids who have lives so full that they don't have much spare time for their parents is pretty much the objective of good parenting.

Well done, you got it right. (And it's typical IME.)

Oxfrog · 01/12/2023 08:48

I think in early to mid twenties if you have a good relationship with a good mum you can completely take that for granted in the haze of Very Important Things going on in your romantic, social and new professional life. It’s a sign they can take it completely as given that you love them and are there for them. Then, in my experience, as your frontal lobe comes fully online and then your 30s dawn you start to form an adult-adult relationship with your mum and become increasingly aware over the years of how much you should never take her and all that she’s done for you for granted!

AuntieMarys · 01/12/2023 08:48

Mine live 4 hours drive away...we speak a couple of times a month. They are having fun and working hard!
I don't worry about them ...I'm proud they are independent and enjoying life

senua · 01/12/2023 08:49

I agree with others: it's a stage of life thing.
They are in their twenties. Young, free and single. They should be out having fun and forgetting to phone their mum.
When they become home-owners or parents then the wheel will turn again.

financialcareerstuff · 01/12/2023 08:49

Findapath · 01/12/2023 08:29

(Also, I’ve found changing the Amazon/Netflix password brings them out of the woodwork 😊)

Love it!

tescocreditcard · 01/12/2023 08:50

I honestly think food is key in these situations.😀No-one wants to go and visit someone who doesn't provide food - where's the fun sitting around with a cup of tea and a digestive, even I'd rather stay home if that was the option.

As soon as my kids left home i decided I was gonna do a family lunch once a month and invite them. And I do. I've 3 kids. Sometimes they can make it and sometimes they can't and sometimes one or two of them can. But I always make the offer and cook. And if they don't come and i've made too much I just portion it down and freeze it.

Do you drive OP? The other obvious suggestion would be for you to invite yourself over to their house. Tell them you'll treat them to a takeaway when you get there.

Messaging is all well and good but it's no substitute for actually seeing people and keeping in touch physically.

spriots · 01/12/2023 08:52

I agree with others that it's just a stage of life thing.

45 mins is not far at all - it's the same as my commute - so why not go and see them more often? You might find that if you see them more in person, the messages thing becomes less important

Also - what sort of thing do you put in your messages? My dad who I love very much sends me constant "Hi, how are you?" messages which I sometimes do leave for a day or so because I don't really have much to say "fine thanks, I went to work today" is a bit dull!

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