Adult children - feeling a bit unloved

[mindsetchange]

Is this just the way it is, for a lot of us Mums of adult children? My kids are mid 20's. They have successful lives. They have good jobs and relationships. I am very grateful for that. But.... I don't feel important to them. Maybe that's how it should be?

If I send a Whatsapp message, it sits unread for days. They don't visit often. There is definitely nothing "wrong" between us, because when I do see them, we have a great time. There have been no fall outs or anything. I think they are probably just enjoying their very full lives and I've been left in the dust, so to speak.

I have a good DH, and a good life. I think I need to somehow stop thinking about them all the time. How does one do that? Can anyone resonate with this? I sometimes see women who seem to be the "Matriarch", but that is definitely not me. I spoiled them rotten (still do), I really went overboard to compensate for me divorcing their Dad (he cheated lots). Bizarrely, he seems to be on a pedestal as well.

I talk more to my son’s partner than him! I adore both of my prospective in-laws and have good relationships with them. However I can go 3 or 4 weeks without hearing my son’s voice. I know he’s very busy with he & his partner’s business (45 mins away too & I don’t drive, fortunately DH does).

I know he is warm, fed, loved & safe. There’s no problems between us, he’s just not a must-ring-mum-every-day sort.

Adult DD I talk to every day, but she still lives at home due to illness & finances (she’s an illustrator). And her partner is often round too so we chat every week at least.

WhatsApp messages & texts go unread by DS, which can be annoying, so I copy his GF in if it’s important. DIL & I often send each other all kinds of memes & crochet stuff to each other most evenings, I’m sure she’d call me if there was a problem!

Do I feel unloved by my ‘absent’ son? Not at all. There are times when I miss him (Ok, every day lol) but I know he still loves me. He does see his in-laws far more than I see him (they live much closer to them), but I’m not jealous. I love the fact he’s close to them & they love him too, as my DD’s in laws do too to her.

I have a family chat on Messenger with my adult children and we communicate most days, I agree with other posters that funny pictures and animals are great to get a chat going. This morning my daughter has sent a picture of her garden to show the ice. We let each other know news that way as well.

Mine do visit once a month for a meal most months, but that has only been more recent as we moved nearer this year. The chat makes us all feel closer though and fits in better for everyone than long phone calls.

I think it's good to say 'are you telling me because you need to vent or do you want my advice?' and if they say they don't want advice, keep your mouth shut. Just ask them what they think, or how they feel about what they are venting about. Ask them what they think they should do or what would they advise a friend to do in the same situation. They are after a listening ear not your advice. And if they do ask for it, and they don't like the advice, don't take it personally!

The 'wouldn't miss me if I was dead' thing is something my mum says to me all the time and I hate it. It makes me feel like the way I love her will never be enough for her. It also makes me really sad that whatever I do do for her will never be what she needs to feel loved. She definitely wanted a relationship with a daughter that called her every day and that's not what I want or need. She's also an emotional sap as whenever she calls she tells me about how tired or ill she is, why work is crap, why she's lonely. It's extremely depressing and relentless. and when confronted, she doesn't see that that's what she does.

If she called and told me that she'd been to lunch with a friend and picked herself up a new top and was going to help out listening to kids read at a school - I'd have so many questions to ask her and my heart would feel so happy. But instead I just get texts about how I won't miss her when she's dead, and no one loves her, and why do I like my dad more than her, and how she's not slept well. It doesn't inspire me to give more of my life to her.

She definitely thinks I owe her for her maternal sacrifice and I think that's such a toxic burden to put on your children. You sacrifice your life as a parent because you want kids, but don't expect your children to owe you anything back as they get older. That's not fair - they were a child!

My DDs are early 20s, one still at home, one graduated and she stayed in her uni city which is about 3 hours away.

We don't talk on the phone that much but we do message. We also get a date in the diary to meet half way for lunch every couple of months. I find if food is involved (and we're paying 😀), she's very amenable to meeting us.

I did tend to hear more from her when things weren't going very well so I'm thrilled that contact is less to be honest. No news is good news.

Okay, silly example of advice :

DD is moving to a country that has a lot of spiders. She is terrified of them. She will be living in a high rise, and therefore has stated that there will never be any spiders in the apartment, because they will be on a high floor. Someone I know is from there, and he said that spiders most definitely will be in the apartment from time to time. I suggested getting a spider catcher. She said there will be no spiders. The person I know is wrong. Accompanied with eye roll. 😂So we are not talking big bits of life advice here, just little conversations where I feel like I am some comedy act to be dismissed.

Here's what I'd do.
I'd send a message along the lines of 'I know your really busy but it concerns me when I send the occasional WhatsApp message to keep in touch & it can be days before you reply. Mums are like that 🤦‍♀️ just hearing back from you is enough' 😁❤️

I'd also give the occasional call & leave a nice message eg just checking in to see how you are, give a call when you can, definitely not accusatory messages expressing disappointment.

They don't drive and live 45 minutes away. I think that may be why they don't visit.. Do you take them out for lunch where they live. The word lunch always worked with mine

Well you put work above then - 7 days a week? That’s too much for anyone!

Take an afternoon off and visit your children.

When we bring our children up well, we give them the toolsets & support to fly high.

Unfortunately that can mean they fly a long way away to achieve their goals. DS & DIL are planning a further move which may be to the US linked to more opportunities in their industry.

Even though DD is still at home, she has the tools to fly when she can afford it (they’re looking at settling in Scotland & we’re in the south east of England).

It’s almost a paradox. Give them the tools to fly & they fly further from their families!

I think at this age you have to make an effort with them. They're busy, having loads of fun, learning to be independent. Plan something they like and see how that works. I also decided not to be offended if my messages weren't replied too all the time, that reduced my stress.

I used to ask for a response if days passed. You know like in a jokey way. But I've actually had my Dad do that to me a lot recently, and I hated it so I have stopped doing that to them. I wasn't ignoring my dad, btw. He rings my mobile and if I didn't pick up, would ring again 2 mins later, then again, and then be passive aggressive when I got back to him. I had been with customers!

She definitely thinks I owe her for her maternal sacrifice and I think that's such a toxic burden to put on your children. You sacrifice your life as a parent because you want kids, but don't expect your children to owe you anything back as they get older. That's not fair - they were a child!

But as an adult, you should be mature enough to see that, unless they were abusive, you do owe your parents a lot.

I agree with this. I have teenagers and I am not at this stage with them yet, but I can see that in a few years time they will be off doing things and not as involved with me. Things are changing as the eldest is at university, and I already feel a bit heartbroken! I have been remembering how I was with my own parents, and I think that I did make more of an effort as I got slightly older.
Humans have evolved living in small, close communities. Modern life where children go off, hundreds of miles away, is hard for both sides to navigate.
My friends’ adult children have almost all ended up moving back to be closer to their parents , if that helps OP .

It sounds like you have done your very best and they have launched very successfully.

Please take the win.

Stop with the texting.
Take a step back from it.

It might be hard, but it is the right thing to do.

Give them space, it is their age.

Unfortunately being a people pleaser that bends themselves out of shape for others constantly, tends to be disrespected in my experience.

Look at some volunteering that might fill your need to nurture others.

Working 7 days a week, yet expecting them to be available at the drop of a hat is unrealistic IMO.

Going to where they live, taking them out for a nice meal would be my plan before they move away. Maybe stay in their town for the night and have a nice long meal.

@Wiccan

good for you for focusing on you!

Not replying to your own Mum's message for 3 days is RUDE. Presumably they are on WhatsApp at various points every day chatting with friends. I just wrote this in under 60 seconds. Who can't be bothered to reply to their own Mum?

lol she’ll find out soon that you were right and she was wrong and that there are indeed spiders everywhere and she’ll be wishing she had followed your advise

You are just part and parcel of their world… will be there forever and are always available if they need you. So can be ignored. I was a bit like that in my 20s. I loved my parents but was having fun with friends and busy with work.. my son is worse than daughter. Booking food in works with either and shopping trip with dd. Maybe plan a day off every couple of months and take them out (finances allowing) ?

Unsolicited advice from your mum is annoying, but it is intensely annoying when you’re in your 20s and just trying to prove yourself at adult life.

I know that’s supposed to be a lighthearted example, but it was an entirely unnecessary bit of advice. If she gets there and there’s spiders, she can order a
spider-catcher off Amazon next day delivery. It’s hardly critical that she needs one in advance. She is saying to you “I know I have a phobia but I’ll be fine because xyz”, and you’re saying in reply “I know better and you actually won’t be fine.” So very annoying. No wonder she rolled her eyes.

You could try saying something affirming like “Oh yes you’re right, it’s unlikely to be a big concern in a high-rise. You’ll get on just fine,” and then leave her to find out by herself. You don’t always have to correct her.

Teenagers possibly but adult DC?
Mine have their own accounts now they are adults.
It's like " change the WiFi password" when they are stropping teenagers, like data doesn't exist!
Op you need to stop giving unsolicited advice, it's annoying not a sign of being older or wiser.
If they ask fair enough.
Otherwise it's really tedious having someone banging on like you know nothing.
Time to get new hobbies etc.
Mine are always pleased to hear what I've been up to that doesn't involve " how are you"
3 days to reply is fine, change your expectations and get on with your own life a bit.

So....I know this was a small silly conversation about nothing, but have you considered that what your DD might have heard was 'you're wrong, I know better, you will be scared in your new place (ergo you won't do as well with this move as you think), you should do this'. I'm not saying you're like this in general, I'm just offering another perspective on what was to you a small insignificant conversation. When somebody in their 20s is planning a big exciting move, they need to focus on the big exciting stuff, not the things that might ultimately end up being difficult or challenging, because despite the bravado, it's scary enough as it is. And if she gets there and finds out that there really are spiders, she will figure out a way deal with them then. Perhaps what she needs is reassurance....you're going to have a great time, you're going to do brilliantly, it will be such an adventure, I know you can handle whatever might happen.

I'm sorry if any of that sounds critical, I don't mean to be, I just wonder if in her head you aren't being the kind of support she needs right now. You are being the grown up adult who is wiser, rather then the supportive cheerleader who believes in her.

I realise this was just one example, but it did strike me when I read the spider thing because I thought I could see why that wouldn't be well received by somebody at that age contemplating a big move. The perception of what is helpful and supportive is very much determined by the person who is receiving the help and support!

Mum of two mid to late twenties sons here, the youngest one in London and the eldest one in Spain. My youngest replies to my texts, phones occasionally, comes home to visit for a few days. Invited me to spend a few days in Lisbon with him and his girlfriend and we have spent a weekend in London together this Summer.
My eldest mainly ignores my texts, but at least if he opens them I can see he is okay. Never rings me, well he did on my birthday, but I have taken to ringing him usually once a month to try and improve communication. He has his own flat in Barcelona and I get the impression he would be horrified if I invited myself for a visit. He came home last year for Christmas but this year I have not seen him at all, thankfully he is coming again this Christmas.
I am glad he is happy and independent living his life but I do feel hurt and it plays on my mind when I wonder why is he like this when I treated both sons who are close in age the same?
I do not want to be a 'needy mum' as my elderly mother has always been. Scolding me every time I ring, asking when I am visiting next. I do not want to guilt trip my eldest in to phoning and visiting more often so I keep my thoughts to myself. It still makes me very sad though.

In their 20s your adult children are having fun, discovering the world and 'living it up'. Once they are in their 30s and maybe thinking about houses or starting a family they will come back.
That's what me and DB did.
Well actually, when I was late teens/ early 20s I used to drive my mum mad by ringing her most days to moan about men! I'm sure she'd rather not have known!😅
Things can change.

It sounds like you have been a wonderful mum. Hope you can enjoy some of your free time.

Me and DH do have full lives. We travel often, to very far flung places. I definitely don't make the kids feel like I have any void that needs filling.

Perhaps they also feel a little bit like there’s no space for them to fill? If you’re always busy, working 7 days etc.

Hopefully you’ll be able to make holiday plans with them when they move.

I somehow missed this post - thanks for highlighting it. Yes, this sums up how I feel. I know it's not personal, but it feels like it is! I feel like anything I say isn't valid. I thought at my age that my opinions would be sought or given credence. But instead they are almost laughed at. Maybe it's a generational thing? I do find my Dad's views on things rather ridiculous at times. Out of step with time, maybe.

I can remember my own Mum saying that her son-in-law made her feel this way, because he was always talking over her and challenging everything she said. She told me that she just stopped talking. So they'd go out for family meals and she would say very little. My sister even mentioned it to me. Funnily enough, when she would visit me and my DH she was a right chatterbox.