Adult children - feeling a bit unloved

[mindsetchange]

Is this just the way it is, for a lot of us Mums of adult children? My kids are mid 20's. They have successful lives. They have good jobs and relationships. I am very grateful for that. But.... I don't feel important to them. Maybe that's how it should be?

If I send a Whatsapp message, it sits unread for days. They don't visit often. There is definitely nothing "wrong" between us, because when I do see them, we have a great time. There have been no fall outs or anything. I think they are probably just enjoying their very full lives and I've been left in the dust, so to speak.

I have a good DH, and a good life. I think I need to somehow stop thinking about them all the time. How does one do that? Can anyone resonate with this? I sometimes see women who seem to be the "Matriarch", but that is definitely not me. I spoiled them rotten (still do), I really went overboard to compensate for me divorcing their Dad (he cheated lots). Bizarrely, he seems to be on a pedestal as well.

You spent best part of 18 of 20 yrs sacrificing for them, they also want their freedom ao enjoy this break. Heading into their thirties or forties they will be back.

I struggled withy mum. We lived overseas for a number of years. I found that there was a period where I always set up the Skype call, and lost the energy to always make the effort. I think she got the message because when she died I noticed having to step up the effort with my dad.

We'd visit the UK 3-4 times a year and see both sets of parents each time.

The problem was that my parents didn't listen. I would start to tell her stuff and she'd launch into telling me all about other people, to the extent we would run out of time and she wouldn't hear what I had to say. It hurt, particularly when she got angry that she heard the things she had talked over through other people.

They would do stuff for us but not check it was what we wanted. It got so bad we started being careful about what we said around them so so they wouldn't go and spend money on a half understood idea of what we had said.

Therapists say they are rescuer types. People who help not because they are generous but to have people show them gratitude.

I'm glad a few other people have agreed with me about not 'owing' your parents anything. The clue is in the word 'owe'. I think it's lovely if you have things in common with your parents and like spending time with them, but to 'owe' them or to repay a debt for their input and sacrifice is just not a healthy relationship in my eyes.

It's a bit like siblings - some people are really close with their siblings, they become friends, they keep in touch all the time and become like friends. Other siblings have naught in common but birth and see eachother only because of family events. Sometimes that happens with parents - the only thing that ties you is blood and as you get older, you drift apart.

Also I think that some parents totally define themselves by their role of parent and then when their child becomes independent and isn't this 'disney matriachal' family of everyone popping in every day, the mother figure feels worthless and as though her life's work as a mother has been in vain. Because she hasn't rounded out her life to define herself with work or hobbies or friends.

Living through your children, or for your children, can leave you sorely disappointed if they don't match up to the expectation you drew for yourself.

I also think it's often worse in divorced families - mothers sacrifice even more of themselves and become quite emotionally enmeshed with their kids, whereas dads have more money and freedom to self-actualise and live whole lives and 'need' their children's validation less. This lack of 'neediness' actually draws the kids closer. Funny how that works out.

I also think that fundamentally, in the case of my parents and mother in particularly, she has no idea what sort of life I'm juggling. She was looking after us but had no money worries, a lovely home, a husband bringing in lots of money, didn't have to work. Meanwhile, I have a career where I'm in charge of large budgets, a large team, and strategic oversight of my entire department as well as juggling childcare, being an attentive parent, giving my parents attention, trying to keep a relationship on track and juggling multiple parts of a blended family. She had nothing to do with her parents or in laws at my age. It's chalk and cheese what we're comparing too. She says we are/were 'equally busy' but I don't believe it and I get cross when she can't take the initiative to organise a lunch for us given she works 2 days a week and has so much less on her plate. And then I get the blame for not being proactive enough because I just have no brain space left to also plan yet another thing.

So I would say, put the effort in, book the restaurant, tell them the date - they may just turn up. But if you expect them to do the organising, it will likely not happen.

You do sound a bit like my ex mil to
be fair. She did make
a wedge between us and not because she was overpowering but because she was a little nicey nicey:
also the reasons for not seeing them
are a little feeble to be honest. Thats no distance at all and you’ve then said you work 7 days a week so what do you expect really?

people cant always reply straight away to messages but to say they wouldn’t care if you died is wild!

My mum bemoans how my sister and I both moved miles away whilst her friends' children live in the same village as their parents still. I tell her it's because she did a great job raising independent offspring able to do the things they want to with their lives.

I think when life is busy you just focus on your immediate activities - if you're not an extrovert finding time and energy to chat can be hard. No matter how much you love your mummy!

@mindsetchange a few things stood out from your post which I believe answers your question about your adult kids.

• you used to molly coddle your kids: this makes kids self centred so they're subconsciously used to not thinking about others (including you, now you don't serve an explicit purpose to them). They're used to you being a giver and serving their needs, rather than a receiver.

• your DH you live with is not their father. This is important. I tell you as a child of divorced parents myself, your home is never the same once a parent effectively brings a stranger into the family, no matter how "nice" they are. You don't feel the same pull to come "home" because "home" is no longer your true home because it's actually equally the home of the partner of your parent.and is no longer your original family home with your actual family in it i.e. just the parents who you've known from birth.

They may be cherishing more time now with their dad because they spent more time with you during their childhood due to the divorce, and therefore now catching up on having missed out on having their dad being part of their everyday lives. It wouldn't surprise me if they're distancing from you too because they don't want you to try to make them.feel guilty (by your comments or subtle implications) for rightfully wanting to have a good relationship with their dad because of your bitterness about him having affairs. Divorced mothers often unfairly want the kids to "side" with them, especially if the marriage ended because of something the dad did, despite this being nothing to do with the kids and kids having every right to still want to maintain their relationship with their dad. It's also possible they may feel more comfortable with your ex husband's new partner than with your DH?

• the UK culture is not very family orientated compared to many other European cultures e.g. spanish, Portuguese. In many other cultures , being close with your parents, visiting them and being in regular contact is normal throughout adulthood.The family is really treasured in a way it isn't here and they remain a vital part of your life even if you get married etc. Here in UK, family bonds are generally not as close.

That seems normal to me for being in their 20’s, I hardly spoke to my parents, they will have more in common with you when they are older or have their own children. I’m 32 and it’s still my mum who gets in touch with me mostly, I have young children so I speak to her a lot. Honestly I think the more they need you the more they’ll contact you, don’t seems like you’ve done a good job since they are managing life quite fine on their own. I guess it must be hard to not be needed anymore though.

You're not making any effort though, are you? You can't plan anything because you have to prioritise work at the drop of a hat, 7 days a week. That's your problem.

The fact that your son lives 45 mins away and you've seen him twice in 2023 is actually not great. It's not just that they are out there living their best life, you're not trying to bring them home either. You need to invite them over for a bbq, a roast, something. You're really not making a massive effort there.

I never feel like I "got" my parents until I was a parent. My mam had plenty of stories from before I was born, before she was a parent, but it wasn't until I thought about how DS would only know me from the point he came along I really understood how much of my parents as people I didn't see.

I'm sorry to hear how you're feeling, we lost my mam last month, not long after her birthday when she'd said she felt under appreciated. It killed me to hear that because it wasn't true. I was busy on her birthday because DS had his very close and we'd had a little trip away. When we got back it was the evening of my mam's birthday. I'd had a long drive back so while we did cards and a gift we didn't have the time or energy for much more. We had planned to visit my sister, two hours away, a few days later, have a meal and surprise her with a cake. But she was unwell and we didn't get to do it.

We very much did appreciate her and I wish I had shown her that more. I know lots of families are different but we were close, she loved just over the road, so it's not the kind of thing you feel you always have to express. Maybe the fact there wasn't a physical distance yet she felt similar shows it's maybe a common feeling among parents of adult children OP?

You say you work seven days a week, maybe your kids don't know when is best to get in touch? Would it be worth ringing rather than sending a message? Get into a routine with that, ring the same time each day, and you'd soon find out when is a good time and they'd come to expect a call and maybe even make the time for it.

I've a friend who's mam lives the opposite end of the country who makes time to have an hour or so chat with her at least once a week. Even if it's while they're pottering around the kitchen. My DP lives a few hours away from her family and since her mum passed a few years back she speaks to her dad every day. Either she rings him or her rings her. Often a very short chat but just a check in. Both my friend and DP are well past their 20s now, but it's a shame that as adult children communication with our parents isn't always something we think about until it's often too late.

Feeling a tad guilty reading all this because I’m a bit like this with my mum. I’m a crap communicator in general and WhatsApps from friends and siblings also go unreplied to for days on end!!

my mum does mope a bit about lack of contact sometimes but I have to say her approach annoys me a bit too. For example she has given me a key to her house (not my childhood home) and expects me to ‘drop in’ when I feel like it. But her house was never my home and to be honest I think she should make the effort to make a plan and invite me! I’m not going to just let myself in like I’m a teenager. I wouldn’t ‘drop round’ uninvited to my siblings’ or dad’s houses either!

tbh she didn’t help by making herself very absent during my teenage years with her then partner (they are now divorced) so we fell out of the habit of being close then and never really got back into it. Part of me thinks she should make the effort not me! Very childish…

so at the risk of this turning into a therapy session 😆 I think things are complex and it’s good if you continue reaching out and making the effort! Don’t expect too much from people in their twenties and remember they are still expecting you to be the parent and lead the way in plans, invitations, calls etc - for the most part anyway.

@FirstTimeTTC989

yeah You’re right Op should give up her job and spend all her time cooking in the hope her kids may deign to visit

@LuckySantangelo35 There is a world of difference between quitting her job and planning a dinner on a Sunday every 2-3 months. By never committing to anything, she is expecting her children to do the exact thing she expects of them which is drop everything because mummy is free all of a sudden this weekend. That's not how life works. She's the one that's sad, so she can make a little bit of an effort. Then her kids can make the effort to come down.

There are families where people drop in on each other all the time. Clearly that's not OP's family.

I went to see my mum today in her care home like I do every other day .Feel like she is fading she has been really poorly with a flu bug and water infection. I had been thinking of this thread and that I always went for tea at mum and dads on a Friday night and saw them at least 3 times a week .Yes I am an only child and always been very close to them . My mum was my best friend . Not sure why I am posting here just wanting to say how precious our mums are . Feeling sad .

Hello this resonates with me. My daughter seldom replies to WhatsApp messages. This makes me cross. I am trying not to be the “over eager puppy” mum, replying quickly. I would like to be cool 😎 and leave it a few days, like she does. But then she asks me a question that needs a reply and I crack!
Good luck, daughters are fabulous but they do their own thing!

Do they ask for this advice? Are you sure its relevant advice? I.e. that science hasn’t changed something that you’re unaware about…I know you’re not talking about babies but I’ve had two mother in laws who refuse to acknowledge that science has changed in the 30-40 years since they’ve had their babies and that now they know that overheating a baby is a contributing factor of SIDS. And so their advice is unwanted, and incorrect and does annoy me. If your advice is similar, or even if they did
not ask for it, I can imagine that’s why they’re eye rolling. I would be too. If they asked for your advice that’s different. But given the rest of your
post I don’t get the impression they are asking for your help or advice…

Completely agree. Like a lot of people pleasers op seems resentful (I recognise this as I can be like that). I’m doing all this why don’t they realise why do they like their dad more he does nothing (I exaggerate for effect) and now they aren’t messaging back.

My mil used to be like this-

MIiL - I never see you any more
DH- How about lunch on Saturday
MIL- no I’m busy
DH- dinner on Wednesday?
MIL- no, I’m busy
DH- when can you do?
MIL- I can do 11.30am on Thursday for 20 minutes
DH- ah. I’m at work.
MIL- see, what I mean? I’m just not a priority!

Stop sending so many messages, start making time to get together in person. 45 minutes is nothing.

I read emails i sent my parents back from when i went to university and I was shocked at howself absorbed I sounded. Reading the back in my forties I can hear how lonely my mum felt loud and clear.

But it's the way of the world - they are meant to fly the nest and you get your life back or new freedoms you've not had fo many years.

On the other had I know someone who has all 3 children and their boyfriends/ girlfriends living with them in a 4 bed semi. It sounds claustrophobic!

Hang on, do you mean you cook a big family meal every month whether they come or not? I don't think I've ever cooked a meal not knowing if my guests (even if they ARE family members) are going to turn up. It sounds a bit weird. Maybe I'm imagining it all wrong. I'm thinking of you sitting there expectantly in front of a feast and then you get a phone call from one after the other each saying they've got to do x/y/z instead so won't be coming. I'm guessing it's not really like that? 😂

Just phone them instead. And concentrate on having such an exciting life you are too busy to see them

They’ll come back to you I’m sure. Ive always have had a good relationship with my mum (also divorced) but honestly when I was in my twenties I lived in London and I was just having too much fun, I was pretty selfish, I think most people are at that stage in their lives. In my thirties I made more effort because I started to worry about my parents more and care more about the relationship, even though I lived abroad i saw them more often than before, and had lots of holidays with each parent. Fast forward to 42 and I have a two year old and we’ve just bought a house near my mum. And it’s not for the childcare or anything, it’s just how it’s happened. Now I’ve had a child I realise how tough it must have been when I was just off doing my own thing but I guess that’s just the cycle of things!

In my 20s I lived 2 hours away from my parents and maybe spoke on the phone once every few weeks. I was too busy/selfish/disorganised to be in touch any more than that.

In my 30s, I moved about half an hour away.

In my 40s now, I live 10 minutes up the road and see my parents 3 or 4 times a week.

Let them do their 20s things. They will ping back again at some point. In the meantime, don't sit around waiting for the phone to ring - get out! Join some clubs, make some friends, pamper yourself or do whatever you want to do to fill your time with things that make you feel good.

Can't read all the replies but I think calling them is a good option too, if they're busy they'll miss it but if I'm free I always enjoy the chat out of the blue from family member, partially as I have a terrible memory and feel guilty when I forget to ring. I also ring back if I miss it but maybe your DC unfortunately won't. Perhaps tell them how you feel and make a plan for weekly calls?

My parents divorced for similar reasons, and I'm pretty sure my mum thought I put my dad on a pedestal even though he was in the wrong. Probably because I still wanted his involvement in my life and he moved 3 hours away so saw him less often, every week to 4 times a year, which made me want to see him more. Mum is a trusted constant in my life, I know she's always there but dad not so much, but it ends up that I might not contact mum as much as I should because I know she will be always there, if that makes sense. And also for me lots of time has passed, while the wrong will never be right especially for my mum, I can look past it in most respect now due to time. I understand now though how this may have hurt my mum and am more aware of it. Not saying this is your situation but just thought I'd give my perspective if it helps x