Adult children - feeling a bit unloved

[mindsetchange]

Is this just the way it is, for a lot of us Mums of adult children? My kids are mid 20's. They have successful lives. They have good jobs and relationships. I am very grateful for that. But.... I don't feel important to them. Maybe that's how it should be?

If I send a Whatsapp message, it sits unread for days. They don't visit often. There is definitely nothing "wrong" between us, because when I do see them, we have a great time. There have been no fall outs or anything. I think they are probably just enjoying their very full lives and I've been left in the dust, so to speak.

I have a good DH, and a good life. I think I need to somehow stop thinking about them all the time. How does one do that? Can anyone resonate with this? I sometimes see women who seem to be the "Matriarch", but that is definitely not me. I spoiled them rotten (still do), I really went overboard to compensate for me divorcing their Dad (he cheated lots). Bizarrely, he seems to be on a pedestal as well.

You sound quite needy, tbh, and that can put people off, including your own children.

It is normal. They love you but you’ve raised them well as they’re independent and thriving. You’ll be the first person they turn to when needed.

also, give it a time, kids are like boomerangs. I was like that in my 20’s and as I got older I wanted to see them more. When I had my son they could barely get rid of me.

we WhatsApp with my in-laws every day (they’re mid 70’s) and I text with my mum daily and she now helps with school picks ups.

My parents and my in-laws I’m eternally grateful for and I’m so grateful my son has them all.

I was off doing my own thing in my 20’s much like your kids.

just be there, it’s life.

The fact they don't cling to you tells me two things:

(a) they don't need you - which means you did your job!

(b) more importantly, they don't think you need them - this is massive and important and A++ parenting.

I spent my teens and twenties very enmeshed with my mum. Who had very severe mental and physical health problems and was enormously vulnerable and demanding (not really her fault). It's fucked me up. I am a people pleaser and very service oriented, which on later life I now realise is due to a gaping hole in my childhood where I needed to feel looked after and safe - if I can just please people enough, SOMEONE will look after me I think is the subconscious process. And the things is, as an adult, that hole can never be filled because no-one is going to take care of you like that, because you're grown up and it would be inappropriate.

It is a DAILY struggle for me now not to parentify my children in the same way I was, trying to get them to fill that hole, to look after me, to care about me. I feel their totally understandable selfishness as small kids like an emotional wound, because of that unfilled childhood need. I am very consciously trying to parent them to not feel like that in adulthood, to feel like they are the most important thing in the world, to feel prioritised and protected etc etc. Because that is my job as a parent.

So in sum, they do think of you as "mum, not a woman with feelings of my own" - and that's how it should be tbh. That is what you are to them - a safe space, a bulwark, a place they can draw on without feeling they "owe you one". We all need that.

You mentioned being a people pleaser, and you had a relationship with a cheater - I wonder if you also have some historic reasons for a lack of self worth, found that parenthood was transformative for this and took a lot of self worth from the identity of being a 'good mum', and are now struggling as that identity recedes and needing some sort of validation? I say this not to be mean but because I can fully see this as a danger for me as my kids grow up, and I too am a people pleaser and put up with things in relationships I absolutely shouldn't due to my low self esteem rooted in childhood.

I do think it's really tough nowadays for women the age you are probably at, because they're drawn on from all sides with very little to replenish them. Adult children who want but don't give back, elderly parents who start needing more and more but can no longer give back, still having to work without that "I'm doing it for the kids" that can drag you through a crap day when you're not enjoying it; friendships have largely faded away as the structures that formed and held them have dissipated (university, school gates, kids' hobbies). And often the menopause dragging down your mood and making you feel emotionally vulnerable. It's a toxic cocktail!

You need to find a source of care and validation that isn't your kids - that isn't their role. So your DH should be the person who makes you feel heard, listened to, valued as a person not a "mum". Your friendships if you still have them should be mutually supportive safe places. And unfortunately, self care and self validation is the most important thing, and another job, but it needs to be done because as capable adults and parents no-one is going to tend to us and validate us the way we would like to be, and the way we (as people pleasers and just as parents) have done for others.

I was like that with my mum in my early 20s. I love her so much but my social life etc always came first. I regret that now.
When I was 24 I moved to Australia and I am still here 14 years later. I have always messaged my mum most days before I go to bed, but phone calls are a bit tricky with the time difference and I haven't prioritised them enough over the years.
I lost my Dad 18 months ago which has kicked my butt into gear to be in touch with mum more, I'm so sorry I didn't call him more. But the biggest thing for me has been since having my own kids in the last couple of years. The thought of them them going off to uni and travelling etc and not being in touch is so upsetting. Of course I want them to live happy fulfilling lives but I know I'll feel sad about not hearing from them and seeing them loads.
I've apologised a lot to my mum now for not being better, she raised us mostly on her own and I feel terrible for not realising what a big job that would have been and for not being more appreciative. She really is my favourite person in the whole world (alongside my kids) so I'm not sure why I didn't think to make more effort over the years. I have days now I wish I'd never moved away because I'd love to be close to her but I've built a life for myself here now and I feel torn a lot of the time.
I'm sorry that it's making you feel down and can totally understand why and I send you big hugs! 🌺🌸🌺🌸🌺

Thank you so much, for everyone who has taken the time, to post really thought provoking replies. I can tell you, that I will be reading and re-reading these any time I find myself feeling down. So much sense here!

It's comforting to know that they will probably boomerang back later on, when they have children of their own. DD who is moving overseas says that they will come back in about 5 years - but who knows!

herewegoroundthebastardbush SO many things in your post resonated with me!

if I can just please people enough, SOMEONE will look after me I think is the subconscious process I definitely can see this. My childhood as a bit chaotic. Mum was lovely, but my Dad was an abusive alcoholic and I did not feel on stable ground for much of the time.

You mentioned being a people pleaser, and you had a relationship with a cheater - I wonder if you also have some historic reasons for a lack of self worth, found that parenthood was transformative for this and took a lot of self worth from the identity of being a 'good mum', and are now struggling as that identity recedes and needing some sort of validation? I say this not to be mean but because I can fully see this as a danger for me as my kids grow up, and I too am a people pleaser and put up with things in relationships I absolutely shouldn't due to my low self esteem rooted in childhood

Finding out that my H of 20 years had cheated for our whole relationship, has done me a great deal of emotional damage. I feel like I am over it, in many ways, as I now have a lovely DH, who loves me dearly. However, I'm not sure the scars ever heal, because it makes you doubt your own judgment. How did I not know that this person I held dear, was actually going to screw me over? Silly things, like when my DD texts me and it's a bit snippy or with no kisses, I can feel myself panicking that I am going to lose her. Which is frankly, quite ridiculous, as she's simply in a rush or at work. Jordan Peterson does a great talk on this, which has helped me recognise what's happening here.

I do think it's really tough nowadays for women the age you are probably at, because they're drawn on from all sides with very little to replenish them. Adult children who want but don't give back, elderly parents who start needing more and more but can no longer give back, still having to work without that "I'm doing it for the kids" that can drag you through a crap day when you're not enjoying it; friendships have largely faded away as the structures that formed and held them have dissipated (university, school gates, kids' hobbies). And often the menopause dragging down your mood and making you feel emotionally vulnerable. It's a toxic cocktail!

This is all very true. Adult kids obviously very busy, as they should be, with little time for me. But this thread has helped me see that it normal. Mum died recently. Dad is elderly quite sick and needs some kind of help daily. Just yesterday morning, I made/received 30 phone calls all relating to my Dad/his needs. Friendships have definitely waned. I moved towns a while ago and lost friendships, but also hideously, my best friend had sex with my 1st H, and that was the end of that. Menopause is being kind to me though!

You need to find a source of care and validation that isn't your kids - that isn't their role. So your DH should be the person who makes you feel heard, listened to, valued as a person not a "mum"

DH is very good at this - he really is a gem. We have an exciting holiday coming up, which we are currently buying clothes for and chatting about all the time.

hideously, my best friend had sex with my 1st H, and that was the end of that.

That's a level of betrayal that will leave very deep scars, OP. No wonder you worry that other people, even your children, will absolutely discount your feelings, and even abandon you.

One of the signs of psychological maturity is being able to see how selfish and thoughtless we were when we were younger, and to feel regret. When people blithely insist they don't have any expectations of their children, or that their kids owe them nothing, they're really doing them a disservice. I do set reasonable expectations for my kids - at one point they were even objecting to a Sunday lunch once a month - because I know that one day they will look back with regret that they were not more thoughtful or considerate.

By insisting on at least a slightly reciprocal relationship with your adult children, you're not only teaching that the world doesn't revolve around them, you're also saving them from mental anguish further down the line.

My dad was also an alcoholic for much of my childhood (he's teetotal now after my stepmum kicked his arse for him when I was in my early teens). He was quite emotionally abusive to my mum I'm told, but she left him for his sister's partner (I know, it's very Eastenders) when I was about 2/3 so I never witnessed that that I recall. She left us kids with him, so she can't have been too worried about his parenting skills, but it was a bit hit and miss for a while until my stepmum came along and provided some stability. Seriously when you look back it's bonkers what kids can survive, seemingly unscathed at the superficial level - I'm aware what we went through was mild, my parents did all love us and weren't neglectful or abusive, just very much wrapped up in their own lives and we were just sort of along for the ride - seems mad to look back on now from the perspective of parenting in the 2020s, where we spend so much time worrying about whether our parenting is 'good enough', to the point of worrying if calling our children 'good girl/boy' is going to give them a complex😆

It's easy to underestimate the effect these early experiences have had on us, but I actually find it very helpful when I'm sense-checking my feelings - this isn't sensible grown up me feeling this disproportionate sense of abandonment when my friend doesn't call, e.g., it's the child who woke up and her mum wasn't there one day, without ever being given an explanation. It can help me 'talk myself down' without invalidating my feelings or calling myself stupid/clingy/weak etc.

Your husband sounds like a complete grade A bastard and I wish him plantar fasciitis and genital warts. And your so called best friend is worse. Traitors both and you deserved (and I'm glad to hear now have!) far far better xx

Honestly, I’d try talking to them about it. My parents moved to Switzerland when I was in my second year of uni so contact decreased a lot and my dad chatted with me as I wasn’t always great at replying to messages or calling (they paid for the calls so it wasn’t a cost issue). Turned out we were both feeling frustrated at the other person but we came up with a plan that worked for both sides. He then started calling me about 7:30 every morning and I’d try and make sure I was always available for his call. I’m not saying that’s what you have to do, but just talking to them and setting up a plan might work really well.
it’s now 10 years later and we still talk most days, it’s just now on the school run instead 😂

Yes, that made me cry. Many of us have been cheated on but when your best friend cheats with your exh it is a double whammy. No wonder you wonder about your DC’s love for you. I think you are doing brilliantly and am glad that the thread has brought you comfort. Wishing you all the best because you deserve it.

From my observation(as someone who is child free) it isn’t always just about wanting childcare. In some cases it is also to do with appreciating what their parents did for them once they have children themselves. There is a new level of understanding. Especially when their kids get older and start to take them for granted in the same way that they took their parents for granted.

And the childcare doesn’t go amiss either.