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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Adult children - feeling a bit unloved

361 replies

mindsetchange · 01/12/2023 08:06

Is this just the way it is, for a lot of us Mums of adult children? My kids are mid 20's. They have successful lives. They have good jobs and relationships. I am very grateful for that. But.... I don't feel important to them. Maybe that's how it should be?

If I send a Whatsapp message, it sits unread for days. They don't visit often. There is definitely nothing "wrong" between us, because when I do see them, we have a great time. There have been no fall outs or anything. I think they are probably just enjoying their very full lives and I've been left in the dust, so to speak.

I have a good DH, and a good life. I think I need to somehow stop thinking about them all the time. How does one do that? Can anyone resonate with this? I sometimes see women who seem to be the "Matriarch", but that is definitely not me. I spoiled them rotten (still do), I really went overboard to compensate for me divorcing their Dad (he cheated lots). Bizarrely, he seems to be on a pedestal as well.

OP posts:

Marshtit · 01/12/2023 09:16

i agree, wise advise from @SunSparkle

LondonLass91 · 01/12/2023 09:17

JennyForeigner · 01/12/2023 08:42

My mum could probably have written this a few years ago. We all went off and worked overseas, which is probably easier in terms of understanding not replying and so on.

Then we settled down and bought houses and struggled with the adult stuff and started to think about families of our own. Mum became completely central to our lives again in the most natural way. We wouldn't have a clue what to do without her and thank the god of nannas that we got a great one every day.

At that point 45 minutes distance may feel just about perfect!

I absolutely agree with this. When i was in my 20s I hardly ever called my mum really, certainly didn't see her very much. Now I am married with my own kids, I call her most days. Because I want to, not out of duty. I agree not replying to messages for a few days is out of order. Are you wattsapping them? Because they should be replying before 3 days really. Hold tight, it gets better and you'll be glad of the 45 minute difference when they have kids...

Marshtit · 01/12/2023 09:18

in my 20s my dm would invite herself to meet me, for the weekend or the afternoon.
take the reigns op and make a plan
take them for lunch

Nanalisa60 · 01/12/2023 09:18

As my DH says no news is good news , as when then get in touch it’s usually because then need something or need help.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/12/2023 09:20

You work 7 days a week so never have time to see them, but THEY'RE the ones being out of order?
How many days were you working when they were at home op? How much time was invested in their teens doing stuff together rather than stuff for them?

If they're abroad can you spare a few days every few months to visit or a longer period once a year if it's further out?

How often are you texts and what are they about?

NoSquirrels · 01/12/2023 09:20

mindsetchange · 01/12/2023 08:59

Yeah, I can't go to their homes - one lives in a flat share with other men in their 20's. The other lives with her boyfriend, in his Dads house. It would be different if they had their own homes. One is moving abroad again next month, and the other is actively job hunting abroad at the destination his partner is already at. So it's going to get a lot worse, to be honest. Both will be in different time zones!

It might get better, as you’ll have to put time aside to visit ‘properly’ and so will they.

LondonLass91 · 01/12/2023 09:20

mindsetchange · 01/12/2023 08:52

Glad I'm not alone and maybe this IS normal. It's hard for me to just arrange a pub lunch with them, because I work 7 days a week (self employed), but on the odd occasion I am off, they are either working or have something social planned.

I know there's nothing "wrong", but I also have that feeling that if I dropped dead tomorrow they wouldn't really be bothered.

I do find as well, that they don't really value my opinion. They think I'm a worrier, or a bit OTT, but I think they are quite naive in many ways (I don't say this, of course). But if I give advice, I can sense the eye roll. It makes me feel insignificant, rather than an older and wiser family member.

Actually i think i would mention this to them, casually. Because about 5 years ago my mum said the worst thing about getting older was that she felt we didn't listen to her anymore, that she would speak and no one would hear her. I said 'course we do mum' and we laughed it off. But i took it on board, and told my siblings. And to this day i make sure to listen to what she says, to 'hear' her.

LankylegsFromOz · 01/12/2023 09:21

@CupboardofDoom This is me as well, but my own parents. They want me to sit around a tiny table and talk, nothing else (they never go out). I'd just prefer to invite them to lunch at my house. At least we still catch up and I'm comfortable at home. It's not enough for my mum, yet she never arranges anything!

Deathraystare · 01/12/2023 09:23

How I wish my parents and Aunt were all still here to phone!

Mum used to amuse/annoy me by clamping the phone too close to her cheek and turn the phone off so we were regularly having to phone each other back!

mycatsanutter · 01/12/2023 09:23

I would suggest setting a date in the calendar and you go to their town for lunch / shopping /museum . That's what I do my ds lives in a city 60 miles away we went up the other Saturday,that date had been set for about 6 weeks and I reminded him several times.

Domino45 · 01/12/2023 09:24

Just to echo what another poster said - in my teens and early/ mid 20’s my mom was important to me. She may not have always felt that. But it’s a time of life with lots going on - work / friendships (making the most of younger youth). Once I had DC we became extremely close. I think it’s normal and must be hard as a parent. But knowing your there will mean so much

Blogswife · 01/12/2023 09:24

Messaging is a lazy way of communicating . My kids get loads of messages ( phone never stops pinging ) and they don’t always reply to them but we phone or at least FaceTime regularly. It seems easier for them to talk for 10 minutes rather than to reply to lots of non- important messages .
As you’re not making much of an effort to communicate with them other than messaging , they probably think you’re not bothered
Why don’t you offer to meet for a coffee ( over at theirs) . They might not have time to devote a whole day to you but I’m sure they’d appreciate a half hour catch up
I think as parents we have to accept that our young adult children have other priorities and it’s up to us to make the effort to stay in touch
As other PPs have said , as soon as they have kids you’ll be in demand 😂

Hbh17 · 01/12/2023 09:25

Sounds completely normal. I'd be a bit worried if grown adults still thought their mother was the centre of their world. They are obviously doing well and living good lives - what's not to like?

NoSquirrels · 01/12/2023 09:25

It's hard for me to just arrange a pub lunch with them, because I work 7 days a week (self employed), but on the odd occasion I am off, they are either working or have something social planned.

With this detail though, I think the onus is a bit on you. You’re the one working 7 days a week. So if you want to prioritise a relationship with them, you need to prioritise making time for them well in advance - arrange a Sunday lunch date once a month, or at least 3 weeks in advance. Block the time out. Don’t leave it to the last minute and hope to see them - if everyone’s busy then you have to plan.

enchantedsquirrelwood · 01/12/2023 09:26

My son is in his third year at university and I don't hear a lot from him, usually only when he wants something!

In the summer I said to him it would be good to hear from him once a week so we know he's ok. He usually comes out of the woodwork to discuss football with his dad each weekend.

I think it's normal. I used to phone my mum once a week but it was a bit of a chore back then when you had to queue for a phone box or note down the units you were using in the student house. Much easier to send messages, so kids do have less excuse not to keep in touch now. But the whole point of messaging is that it's asynchronous - you don't need to and shouldn't be expected to reply immediately unless it's important.

NoSquirrels · 01/12/2023 09:26

mycatsanutter · 01/12/2023 09:23

This is the way - you have to make yourself available to them.

itsraininginmyheart · 01/12/2023 09:27

I could have written this!

I think it also depends on whether they are girls or boys. I think girls tend to ring their mums more!

OkayScooby · 01/12/2023 09:27

SunSparkle · 01/12/2023 08:57

You see I see this from both sides. My mum is very needy - she messages multiple times a day, every day and gets cross when I don't reply and has been like this since my early twenties. The emptier her life gets, the worse it gets. She has somehow decided that as I'm now grown up, I should be her adult friend and confidant.

Whereas I don't think that's what we as parents should aspire to. I have a daughter now and I want her to know that home and me will always be a safe place to land and to return to but that I don't expect anything from her. That quality is better than quantity. In return, I hope to reassure her that I am happy and fulfilled without her - to tell her of all the things in my life that I'm doing that make me feel joy so she feels secure to pursue the things that make her happy.

I think it's nice to tell your kids you're thinking of them but not feel obligated for them to reply. I also think it's nice to reflect any special feelings you have e.g. seeing you on mothers day is more important that any other day of the year - can we make sure to make early plans?

you've done a good job if your kids are in the world being independent and leading happy lives. Parenthood consumes mothers whole for such a long time (I'm knee deep in the toddler years) and then they grow up and we've forgotten what made us full people. Rediscovering and filling that void will be the best gift you can give your kids.

Their lives and priorities are only going to get fuller as they have their own partners and families and careers and in laws. The lonliness will not go away for you if you don't find other things to fill it with and your kids will begin to resent your need for them as they juggle more priorities and their own happiness.

The best gift my mum could give me right now would be to live a wonderful life and tell me all about that, rather than just telling me what a void she has without me.

Thank you for this post. My mum was needy, demanding and bitter and I swore never to do this to my adult dc.
Still hurts when I miss them but I know they love me and are happy.
Op, it's important to live your own life with interests, friends and hobbies just for you. X

Maray1967 · 01/12/2023 09:27

mindsetchange · 01/12/2023 08:37

Actually they DO reply to messages, but it's normally about 3 days later!! 😫

When DS1 was in uni I used to text ‘Are you still alive?’ after a week. I usually got a reply to that …

I don’t let it worry me - he was off living his life. Now he’s back home …

RB68 · 01/12/2023 09:27

the other thing it might be is that they don't really use the platform you are messaging on - so its no good me messaging my 18 yr old via facebook, whats ap works for now but Insta is better but also snapchat seems to be a fav as well - find out what they use and try something new - or just ask them.

Original poster

mindsetchange · 01/12/2023 09:28

Some very good points here. I think they would "come back" when they have kids (as I did), but they are going to be abroad when that happens, so it's not a standard set up. My DD is moving 9000 miles away next month, and plans on having her children in that new country. I won't see my grandchildren often. It's a hard pill to swallow.

Me and DH do have full lives. We travel often, to very far flung places. I definitely don't make the kids feel like I have any void that needs filling.

OP posts:

ChimChimeny · 01/12/2023 09:28

This definitely would have been me early 20’s. I went away for uni then work (1.5 hrs away). Communication would have been very sporadic & even though I did drive I was always busy at weekends going out.
It changed when I got married @ had DD, saw mum monthly or more & rang much more regularly.
now she lives 5 mins walk away, I probably annoy her calling so much & we see each other at least once a week.
my brother lives abroad & was crap at calling her so i think they had words & now he calls regularly. She can’t call him really because of the time difference/he works weird hours

Matildahoney · 01/12/2023 09:28

You sound like my mum! She says she wants to see us, but never actually sends a message saying are you free X day. Then says oh well I knew you'd be busy, most evenings and Sundays we're actually often free
Maybe whilst they're still in the country you could prioritise a day off too have lunch with them instead of arranging lunch because you're off.
45 mins travel is also not that far! We travelled a 6 hour round trip to see family for 4 hours a few weekends.

LuckySantangelo35 · 01/12/2023 09:28

You don’t have to entice your children to visit you with op, they’re not dogs. They shouldn’t only visit you unless they get something out of it e.g food.

concentrate on yourself now! Go travelling, find a new partner, go out lots with your mates etc. the world is your oyster!!

enchantedsquirrelwood · 01/12/2023 09:29

I know there's nothing "wrong", but I also have that feeling that if I dropped dead tomorrow they wouldn't really be bothered

I think they really would, but I do understand why you might feel that way - but believe me, they would care. The fact is you are there as a constant and it would be a massive shock if you weren't.

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