Adult children - feeling a bit unloved

[mindsetchange]

Is this just the way it is, for a lot of us Mums of adult children? My kids are mid 20's. They have successful lives. They have good jobs and relationships. I am very grateful for that. But.... I don't feel important to them. Maybe that's how it should be?

If I send a Whatsapp message, it sits unread for days. They don't visit often. There is definitely nothing "wrong" between us, because when I do see them, we have a great time. There have been no fall outs or anything. I think they are probably just enjoying their very full lives and I've been left in the dust, so to speak.

I have a good DH, and a good life. I think I need to somehow stop thinking about them all the time. How does one do that? Can anyone resonate with this? I sometimes see women who seem to be the "Matriarch", but that is definitely not me. I spoiled them rotten (still do), I really went overboard to compensate for me divorcing their Dad (he cheated lots). Bizarrely, he seems to be on a pedestal as well.

Since they started going out on their own in their teens we had this thing dd invented called HMP- Humour Mum's Paranoia. Basically if I sent a HMP message they would reply because it meant I was fretting. (I didn't do it often!) it still applies if I haven't heard for a while!

Also having pets is good. A picture of the cats being funny or cute usually gets a response. Also ds works from home-so comes round to use our heating sometimes. Also I send them stuff-I've had messages from both this morning thanking me for the advent calendars. They have busy happy lives and I'm thankful.

Cross posted, the bit about grandkids must make you sad. There’s families in my extended family which are split by huge distance (uk to Oz) and they make time for regular FaceTime so the grandparents still have a relationship with the grandkids

I often wonder if my family is out of the normal and this thread suggests we are. I live 4 hours from my parents, my sister about 30 mins away. We both speak to them daily. It's weird if we don't.

LondonLass91 I totally resonate with not being heard. I have actually said this very thing to DH. My opinion counts for zero. And I bend over backwards to not spout advice, I am a people pleaser and am always very nice. I think maybe too nice, because their Dad who is the opposite and very strict, and quite miserly with them, seems to be placed on a pedestal.

This is really sad to read because I think a lot of people, when they think about having kids, think about having company in old age (this is high up on my list of ‘pros’ when contemplating motherhood), but the reality could be very different.

So many people move overseas now, as far as Australia and NZ, in their 20s and 30s. It can be hard for some parents to do that journey in their 70s say, so they have to rely on their children finding the time, funds and inclination to visit home regularly.

Yes I think so too. I remember I used to get really cross with an ex boyfriend because he was so crap at phoning his mum! He used to think I was weird to phone my mum as often as I did, although actually his brother was much better than he was.

A dog is the answer definitely!

Last year I read a description that seemed perfect - we are their right arm. You are not conscious of your right arm being there, but if you lost it, it would be awful.

It sounds like you have done a very good job, OP. They are independent and happy - the alternative would be clingy and in poor mental health. I am sure that they will grow back towards you over time.

The advice thing stood out to me as well.

I loved my Mum deeply, but she drove me nuts sometimes with her advice. It was always well meaning, but it came across as a criticism a lot of the time. I wasn't asking for any advice, I didn't need her sending me job listings because she thought I wasn't being paid enough etc.

I also find endless messaging a pain in the arse. They eat into your day and distract you in a way that picking up a phone and having a 15 minute conversation a couple of times a week.

I'm not saying you're necessarily doing either of the above OP, just giving you some possibilities. I do think it's normal for your kids to drift in their late teens and early twenties, and for that relationship to become stronger again later on in their twenties

Also having pets is good. A picture of the cats being funny or cute usually gets a response

Yes, this is a good strategy too. We don't have pets, but I've posted on the flea thread about the cat that has adopted my mum - so she takes pictures of him sleeping in the strangest places like tiny baskets, the Christmas card box, a suitcase, and sends them to ds and then gets a response from him :)

I sometimes forward the cute guinea pig or squirrel videos I see on Instagram.

@mindsetchange have you got anything planned with your dd before she goes abroad ?

My mum threw herself into work and a career when we all left home and didn’t need her any more. Now we all have our own children she’s needed again and we have a much closer relationship. How it is now isn’t necessarily how it’s going to be from now on.

You are an evil genius! I love this 😂
Might try it daily, just to get 2 DS to come out of their bloody rooms...😁

I think this is normal for their age and if you work 7 days and they are working too it can be really hard to arrange things.

In my early 20s I probably saw my mum once a month and 2/3 times a week. Now I have DC I usually see her once a week (sometimes more if she has days off or annual leave). She works 6 days so there’s only 1 day I can see her and sometimes we have things planned on this day. We speak most days though.

Once they have families you will probably see them more.

When I was in my 20s, my parents would regularly come to visit me (3hrs+ away…) to take me for lunch or buy a takeaway - including my flatmates. They would also invite me & siblings home for the holidays/annual leave, and book family holidays for us all to go on.

You work 7 days a week. What are your kids supposed to do? I really don’t get the complaint.

Not going to their homes because they have flatmates/boyfriends there is weird. Are you not on friendly terms with their boyfriend/flatmates/friends?

If you went to visit them, treated them to a takeaway/meal and said their boyfriend/flatmates were welcome to join, what would happen?

Yes children do pull away in their 20s, but also if they know you work 7 days a week and make no time for them, and all you do is send them pointless texts all the time, I don’t know what you expect.

Maybe set up a regular thing to do together or one at a time, once every other month maybe? Meet for coffee or lunch, move away from messages and towards in person? It might improve the quality of the contact and feel more fulfilling?

Thanks everyone, it's nice to know that most people think this is normal. And I am grateful that they have successful lives etc. This thread is definitely making me feel a bit better, so thank you.

I live with my youngest. It seems to be long term as he is saving for a house.

My daughter lives around the corner but I generally see her the least and usually when I'm looking after my GS. But usually weekly.

My DS who lives in London phones several times a week. We talk a lot in the car as I drive back from work. Being autistic you would think he would struggle the most but if I decorate or buy something big he has to drive and see it as he needs to map the change.

We also have a family Whatsapp chat so we can share photos of silly things, family photos and places etc. That's fairly busy.

The boys are 20s and my DD 30s.

I keep myself busy doing the things I couldn't when they were all living at home.

It's not their age. Write them a letter expressing yourself. Don't be a martyr as lots are telling you to be. You're not asking for the moon just a little contact weekly or a reasonably timed response. They wouldn't do it to their friends and like most people they will be on their phones a lot. Don't let them become those people who only think of themselves it will make them awful partners that we will read about on here.

I can completely resonate with you @mindsetchange , even the divorce and dad on a pedestal bit.

I’ve found it difficult to move on from being mum and being there for them 24/7. It sounds like you did a magnificent job raising them. You have also made sure they have a solid relationship with their father. That’s actually a very good thing, for them but painful for you. I’m in exactly the same situation.

I once heard someone say, very wisely, that if your children had a good attachment to you and a sound upbringing, then they would feel able to detach and find their own way in the world.

You have done such a good job bringing them up to be confident adults, so now they no longer need mothering. Rejoice in your success and sit back and relax. When my children started having their own children, suddenly I was needed again, for babysitting. 😱😂

I would cool things a bit. Not in a mind game way but in a ‘okay; we’ve all got our own lives clearly and that now includes me too’. Fill your timetable with hobbies and social activities and just mentally detach a little. They’ll come running back.

Haven't rtft but rest assured my parents were veeeeery low down on my priorities in my 20s, but they made a big comeback in my 30s and I think it's the same for a lot of people.

Aww gosh me and my 4 siblings in our 30s never go a day without ringing and watsapping mum and dad daily. In fact sometimes lol she will say what now as we are all awful for calling about random things. Plus we all pop in several times a week with or without our families depending. Adore our parents

But if you bend over backwards to not give advice how does this happen?

But if I give advice, I can sense the eye roll. It makes me feel insignificant, rather than an older and wiser family member.

My mother constantly dispenses advice. I eye roll. My MIL doesn't - I actually ask for her opinion. Not least because she doesn't take it personally if I don't then take her advice, sometimes I listen to it and then disagree which is normal for adults I think

Same here OP . Still happens in their 30s . It's very difficult as us mums have invested everything we have in our kids but they don't see it like that . It's never a 2 way street . Text only when they want something , takes a week to reply to my texts and a quick cup of tea maybe once a month , Sometimes it really does feel like neglect and disrespect. I was never like that with my own mum and I know my mum noticed it and really appreciated how I treated her . I know I have raised independent kids and they are just living their lives but they are really quite selfish and they definatly weren't brought up that way . It does feel like I have just been dumped and I'm of no further use . When my kids were small I had no idea this is what I would feel like, it was quite a shock.

So I now put all that time and energy into ME and the things I want to do are priority now not them .It has made me feel much better about myself and I have achieved so much. my kids will just have to join the end of the queue.😁

Perhaps keep the chat light, pop in jokes, links to interesting articles, photos. No chat, then no pics of the dog…..Do you have any shared sports interests?

I can see this from a different angle as DSs get “needy” messages from their aunt to which they feel obliged to reply, rather than the family WhatsApp, which is more like natural conversation. It seems fairly easy for her to slip into a slightly passive aggressive tone (not saying yours is, OP!).

I loved my Mum deeply, but she drove me nuts sometimes with her advice. It was always well meaning, but it came across as a criticism a lot of the time. I wasn't asking for any advice, I didn't need her sending me job listings because she thought I wasn't being paid enough etc.

I remember when I left my full time job to go freelance, my mum asking me if I was sure I could earn enough to support my family (my DH was a stay at home dad). I was quietly fuming about her comment for years, and judged her harshly for it. I absolutely took it as a criticism. Now I can see I was being an idiot. I would have exactly the same concerns if one of my kids left a secure job to be self employed. Although I didn't say anything to my mum at the time, I do regret that I was so over-sensitive and judgemental.