Adult children - feeling a bit unloved

[mindsetchange]

Is this just the way it is, for a lot of us Mums of adult children? My kids are mid 20's. They have successful lives. They have good jobs and relationships. I am very grateful for that. But.... I don't feel important to them. Maybe that's how it should be?

If I send a Whatsapp message, it sits unread for days. They don't visit often. There is definitely nothing "wrong" between us, because when I do see them, we have a great time. There have been no fall outs or anything. I think they are probably just enjoying their very full lives and I've been left in the dust, so to speak.

I have a good DH, and a good life. I think I need to somehow stop thinking about them all the time. How does one do that? Can anyone resonate with this? I sometimes see women who seem to be the "Matriarch", but that is definitely not me. I spoiled them rotten (still do), I really went overboard to compensate for me divorcing their Dad (he cheated lots). Bizarrely, he seems to be on a pedestal as well.

@Greycottage

do you not think sometimes that young people just need to be told that they’re wrong and just accept the wisdom of older , more experienced people? Surely that’s what OP’s daughter has to do at work for example? She can’t just be told she’s right all the time she isn’t!

‘’The best gift my mum could give me right now would be to live a wonderful life and tell me all about that, rather than just telling me what a void she has without me.’’

I like this.

I don't hear from my DD and 2 DGS very much. They live a little under 2 hours drive away. I know she is so busy juggling working 32 hours a week and looking after an 8 and 5 year old. She does more drops and pick ups than my SiL does. The DGS's also do after school hobbies they take them too. I go down to visit twice a year and they visit me twice a year. I text sometimes and she always responds. I ring 3 or 4 times a year to chat to DGS's. My eldest son lives 2 hours away in the opposite direction. He has a gf but no DC. I visit him 6 or 7 times a year because he lives quite close to my elderly MiL who we go up to see every 8 weeks now she's on her 80's. Eldest son always cooks us a great meal or we take them out to eat. He comes to see me twice a year. He rings me at least once every week and often texts me. I ring him every week. My youngest son only moved out to his own house in August this year. He lives 3 miles away. I see him 3 times a week. He always eats with us on Wednesdays as I make a homemade lasagne and it's his favourite. He sometimes has a Chinese takeaway with us on a Friday if he's not going out. He pops just for a coffee and a chat over weekend but only usually for 30 mins. I go to his house once a week for coffee on my own for a catch up with him. I sometimes take a few cakes I've made or some spaghetti Bolognese in a container he can warm up for lunch at work. If I'm making a homemade quiche I'll make an extra one for him too. I'll text and he'll pop by to collect after work. He often texts me as well. He is more likely to text DH though because he has been helping him with some DIY and then they've been out for a curry afterwards. I'm having early Xmas next weekend and all 3 DC will come and I'll cook a Xmas dinner then DD, dgs, eldest son and gf and I are all going to paint a Xmas bauble that will get fired and I'll collect the following week. I very rarely see all my DC together now they are adults. They have busy lives of their own to lead and I'm glad they all have good friends.

My mum’s catchphrase is ‘I don’t want to bother you as you’re so busy’ kids job). I say if you can’t get me I’ll get back to you but if I didn’t ring her (daily), she’d never ever ring me. Ever!! If I didn’t visit she never ever would see me. EVERYONE says the same. Everyone in the world is waiting for other people to organise something/ pick up the phone/ call in. And they’re all sad because nobody is. But those people are all waiting for THEM!! Keep in contact by ringing or visiting, inviting or organising. In my 20s I was ridiculously busy too and I’d say you were too

One thing I do is send a picture ( preferably cute or silly) of the dog to DD and she will often reply to that.

This is ridiculous quite frankly
Stop interfering!
Let them get on with it and learn from their own mistakes.
It would drive me nuts if my DM was nit picking stuff like this all the time with the " I know best" tone.
Urggggh!

I'm imagining this conversation from your DD's perspective.

"I'm moving abroad soon to a tropical country. Instead of being pleased for me, my mum keeps looking for tiny things go on about, like the fact that I'm scared of spiders and there might be spiders in my apartment. Moving abroad is a massive deal and there's a lot to organise, and my mum is just looing for reasons that I won't like it, which is really annoying because I'm a grown adult who is capable of sorting these things out for myself. I've tried to shut the spider conversation down because frankly, I've got enough to sort out with my move as it is and the last thing I need to be worrying about is sourcing a fucking spider-catcher right now, but she is so determined to make this an issue that she literally consulted someone she knows who lives there just to prove to me that she's right and is still going on about it. AIBU to think she needs to accept that I'm an adult and that, just because she's my mother, she isn't always right and that she needs to butt out sometimes?"

you must get a pet like a dog or cat OP to try to maximise your chances of your offspring bothering to reply to your messages.

Sorry OP, I am that child that you are describing. I love my parents dearly, but I tend to take them for granted and I am aware that I will regret it deeply when they are gone. Yet, I seem unable to change how little I communicate with them. I would suggest that you call them at a fixed time every week. E.g. at some point on Sundays. Also try to find shared interests. Something to do together, talk about. And then perhaps insist on dropping by their place once per month.

Mine eldest is mid twenties now and a boy so don't know if that's different to older girls.

He's recently moved nearer to us so we are seeing him a lot more and we messagenor speak most days.

If he's staying at his partners they normally drop in at some point but mainly to see the dogs 😂

I keep communication open but they're making a life for themselves and as long as their happy I know we are all good.

In times of need we have dropped everything to do what we can and then we step back again.

My mum is lovely but can be needy at times and I have to remind her we are busy working kids pets homes etc etc but we message probably every day even if it's just a quick check I. To say hello

Son is at uni in his second year and barely obviously reads messages never mind responding to them. My practical uses are now 'rent admin' and 'can we try for glasto tickets'. But it's ok..... we know he is happy and off living his best life, and would let us know if he needed us. It's helped that he's said he finds messages frustrating (he feels the guilt I think of them sitting on his to-do list) so isn't a big messager and would prefer just to talk. So we call him every now and again, and arrange to see him at least once a month.

Please don't compare how kids feels about you with the exH. YOU did an amazing job where the kids grew wings and are flying. Hope you're hugely proud of that.

DD is moving to a country that has a lot of spiders. She is terrified of them. She will be living in a high rise, and therefore has stated that there will never be any spiders in the apartment, because they will be on a high floor. Someone I know is from there, and he said that spiders most definitely will be in the apartment from time to time. I suggested getting a spider catcher. She said there will be no spiders. The person I know is wrong. Accompanied with eye roll. 😂So we are not talking big bits of life advice here, just little conversations where I feel like I am some comedy act to be dismissed

Thats the problem. They are at an age where they believe they know everything. I’d like to know everything like people they age, how great it would be🤣. Instead of feeling dismissed, just smile and nod, safe in the knowledge that she will likely have to deal with a spider at some point. And she will be fine. And somewhere in the back of her brain it will float about ‘fuck, mum was right’. After at least a decade, all these thoughts coalesce and it finally starts to filter through that mum indeed has some valuable life advice and you will be proactively approached, will take some time though. Meanwhile, just go live your best life.

@ManateeFair

lol if that’s the daughters perspective she sounds very sensitive and highly strung! Being given advice whether you asked for it or not is all part of life and we all just gotta suck it up 🤷‍♀️ no big deal.

Something to think about is the ratio of praise to criticism/advice.

There's a lot of research about this in the workplace but I think it's also relevant to personal relationships.

https://www.happybrainscience.com/blog/the-ideal-praise-to-criticism-ratio-at-work-51/

Things like the spider advice might be absolutely fine if your interactions with her are generally positive but if it's the 5th critical thing you have said to her that day, it's different.

My MIL actually says nice things about me and my parenting and my children all the time, it means that when she does give advice I take it more seriously.

My mother very very rarely says anything nice about me. I got a big promotion recently - my dad, my MIL, my FIL all sent me congratulations and supportive messages, my mum said "oh well I don't think it's good for your kids if you work even more"

Not on something so insignificant as this, it isn't valuable, and if it happens a lot it is just annoying noise. Generally, we learn the best and the most meaningfully from experiencing things ourselves, even if sometimes we make mistakes.

Where there is actual risk or make or break stuff, then yes wisdom and experience from older people can be crucial, but not on something like this. And if we don't give advice too often, and save it for the important stuff, we are more likely to be listened to and respected when we do.

I wouldn't phone them.

I along with many I know have phone anxiety. I use to hate call as I never knew if they where going to be 10 minutes of 2 hours. Phones are also like forums where no one can read body language and people get angry over nothing, it removes a human element (kind of like road rage).

If they are teens, early 20s or new parents they probably are just focusing on their life, they are still learning it all and it takes a lot of time and energy to learn to 'adult'.

Do you accept invitations? I invited my mam out many times she was sick and disabled which did effect a lot of why she said no especially after Covid but she always said no. She talked a lot about 'plans' but never actually wanted to carry them out.

I'm sad I didn't get to do lots of things with my mam towards the end, I offered often from holidays (even found specialist medical hotels) to going for afternoon tea to local beach trips but she never felt up to it.

TBF at 25 I was doing my own thing, didn’t really have much involvement with parents or wider family - I was doing my own thing, working on career etc.

Fast forward 10 years and I am super close with family - not just mum and dad but aunts uncles cousins etc.

Your priorities change and you « come back » as it were.

The advice thing resonates with me so much and is worth being aware of. My mum has been like that as long as I can remember. I absolutely know it comes from a good place of wanting to look after me and that’s what I remind myself of and bite my tongue. But all I hear is criticism, the idea that I’m not capable of sorting out problems myself and also pre-emptive stressing about things I simply don’t think are a big deal and will be very able to deal with as and when they become an issue, which I find exhausting. Over decades it really wears you down. As another pp said, my MIL never does that and I hugely value her advice as and when I ask for it.

Just phone them every 2 weeks. A missed call is harder to forget.

Offer to visit them. There must be a way to get round the long walk, like have a long walk, or cycle, bus or get a lift. Arrange something between all of you somewhere in the middle like a restaurant. Also depends what you mean by long walk, if its under 3 miles they or u could fo that in the spring.

It's good they have busy lives though. They sound like they're doing well.

i hear what you say.

when my mother died I realised that a big part of our love was my feeling that I could take her for granted - do you know what I mean? I don’t mean that I disrespected her but that I knew she was always there if I needed her. She was with me even if we weren’t together. I still feel that now. And then when she got I’ll I couldn’t do enough for her. My caring for her was a way of saying a big thank you. It was hard but it would have been harder if I hadn’t done it - the ultimate in taking someone for granted.

Do your Dcs have their own dcs, op? If not they may well see you more when they do.

Also, thinking about being in my 20s I remember that I just had so much to do - work , dating, trying to have fun. You have to enjoy your 20s free if your parents, don’t you?

When they settle down in their 30s and 40s you will find that they identify with you more - especially if they become parents themselves. For now you should enjoy yourself, op; make new friends. You only need one or two really good friends. Good luck.

Look, you are mom. You always keep in touch. You are also very nice without major issues. End result? They are taking you a bit for granted. And I don't say this in a negative way.

I have 3 adult sons. The youngest is 19 and beginning to fly solo. In our household we are the opposite to you, my DH is the one always sending text messages to the kids that are answered a couple of days later to my DH's exasperation. I'm the opposite, I hate phones so I rarely call or text unless I have to. And they call me/ text back very quickly probably because they know I only get in touch when there is an issue. I've said to DH to let them live their lives without needing to be in touch every fucking day. He agrees with me but still send the messages and then gets cranky when they don't answer for a couple of days.

Your kids are in their 20s with full lives. They also don't drive, making it more difficult to pop around if they have a couple of hours to kill. Don't overdo the texting and please, don't feel "unimportant". You are very important. They may not show it in the way you want, but trust me, you ARE.

I'm in the same boat. OP understand that most 20s are all about ME, ME. ME! It is a big wide world they have stepped into, jobs, relationships, homes, etc. I love travelling and belong to a lot of groups and have a lot going on! Enjoy the time you have with them. They would be "back" esp when they start a family!

OP, no time to read the full thread, but it sounds as if you need to build your own busy and fulfilling life — hobbies, socialising, studying, activities, new friends, new interests — and be the one not to instantly respond to WA messages and not always be available. You've launched them successfully so well done. Now focus on the next 30 or 40 or 50 years of your own life. Don't be the boring and predictable mum they can take for granted, have them chasing after you.

Ok but this kind of thing is annoying.

on that can you stay out of it and let her find out herself?

but generally I think part of this is acceptance and then another part is being more confidently pro active in your relationship with them.

i recognise the dynamics you describe, I found my dad easier as a young adult vs my mum who was needy and looking to me for validation (which you are doing, a bit)

for example, at university my dad didn’t call me much (or i him and he didn’t seem to mind). But he would come and see me twice a term. He’d call and say ‘I’m coming to see you in the next week or two. What evening is good for you, I’ll book somewhere nice for dinner?’ Clear, assertive, offered me a nice dinner.

still now he’ll suggest doing something - seeing a film together or an exhibition, or something g he thinks my kids would like, and then make the running to organise and book it if I say yes. Takes it graciously if I say no. My mum has no ideas, and expects me to do all the organising.

and in general she was much needier ‘I never hear from you’ ‘when will I see you’

i know you’ve said they are moving but you could for example say:

’id like to see you, I’ll come over and take you out for a meal. Is dinner or lunch best? Which day?’ And then book somewhere they’d like to eat and show up.

its not their fault you are working ‘seven days a week’ and you don’t need to go to where they live to visit them.

you have to make some running and make reasonably timed suggestions, as you would with other adult friends

maybe their dad now treats them as the adults and equals they are which they find easier? I know I did.

with your DD moving away - once she’s settled you have to take responsibility for planning a trip during which you see her. So organise a holiday for yourself with opportunities to see her in it. Don’t expect to stay with her for weeks and weeks (maybe a few nights spaced out). Maybe invite her to join you at a nice holiday resort in the middle and offer to pay for that. But spend plenty of the trip doing your own thing off exploring, don’t rely on her to host / plan / entertain you.

and then she’ll enjoy it and want you to visit again.

if she’s really going to have her kids there i would plan to get to know if. Scope out airbnbs I could book for extended visits, and eg whether I could work from there to support that.