Adult children - feeling a bit unloved

[mindsetchange]

Is this just the way it is, for a lot of us Mums of adult children? My kids are mid 20's. They have successful lives. They have good jobs and relationships. I am very grateful for that. But.... I don't feel important to them. Maybe that's how it should be?

If I send a Whatsapp message, it sits unread for days. They don't visit often. There is definitely nothing "wrong" between us, because when I do see them, we have a great time. There have been no fall outs or anything. I think they are probably just enjoying their very full lives and I've been left in the dust, so to speak.

I have a good DH, and a good life. I think I need to somehow stop thinking about them all the time. How does one do that? Can anyone resonate with this? I sometimes see women who seem to be the "Matriarch", but that is definitely not me. I spoiled them rotten (still do), I really went overboard to compensate for me divorcing their Dad (he cheated lots). Bizarrely, he seems to be on a pedestal as well.

I live close to my parents and we've always been in fairly regular contact and seen each other frequently, but what I would say is that a person's 20s is probably when they are least family orientated. You're starting out as an independent adult, finding relationships, building a career. At that point family seems like it's about the past. And many young people feel their close groups of friends are their 'new family' for a while. It's the premise of a lot of TV shows, 'Friends' for a start. But I think in a few more years, into the 30s, a lot come back to family. Thinking of having their own children, thinking of you beginning grandparents eventually, taking their own responsibility for seeing wider family rather than tagging along with you because they had to.

What I mean is that we need our family J different ways as we mature and then age, and unless there are any actual issues, then I would fully expect yours to 'come back' in different ways to before perhaps. Keep communicating, enjoy the time you do get with them and also enjoy exploring things you can do now you don't have to pick up their socks or make packed lunches.

Glad I'm not alone and maybe this IS normal. It's hard for me to just arrange a pub lunch with them, because I work 7 days a week (self employed), but on the odd occasion I am off, they are either working or have something social planned.

I know there's nothing "wrong", but I also have that feeling that if I dropped dead tomorrow they wouldn't really be bothered.

I do find as well, that they don't really value my opinion. They think I'm a worrier, or a bit OTT, but I think they are quite naive in many ways (I don't say this, of course). But if I give advice, I can sense the eye roll. It makes me feel insignificant, rather than an older and wiser family member.

Welcome to the club!

I think it shows you’ve done a good job. I became closer to my mum again when I had DC

I think this is normal and an age/stage thing.

They are at the stage in life where they are very busy developing their careers, relationships, independent life. That is their priority.

They will come back, probably when they want/need something (childcare??) or when you need something.

I imagine I will find this stage quite hard myself so do sympathise.

You see I see this from both sides. My mum is very needy - she messages multiple times a day, every day and gets cross when I don't reply and has been like this since my early twenties. The emptier her life gets, the worse it gets. She has somehow decided that as I'm now grown up, I should be her adult friend and confidant.

Whereas I don't think that's what we as parents should aspire to. I have a daughter now and I want her to know that home and me will always be a safe place to land and to return to but that I don't expect anything from her. That quality is better than quantity. In return, I hope to reassure her that I am happy and fulfilled without her - to tell her of all the things in my life that I'm doing that make me feel joy so she feels secure to pursue the things that make her happy.

I think it's nice to tell your kids you're thinking of them but not feel obligated for them to reply. I also think it's nice to reflect any special feelings you have e.g. seeing you on mothers day is more important that any other day of the year - can we make sure to make early plans?

you've done a good job if your kids are in the world being independent and leading happy lives. Parenthood consumes mothers whole for such a long time (I'm knee deep in the toddler years) and then they grow up and we've forgotten what made us full people. Rediscovering and filling that void will be the best gift you can give your kids.

Their lives and priorities are only going to get fuller as they have their own partners and families and careers and in laws. The lonliness will not go away for you if you don't find other things to fill it with and your kids will begin to resent your need for them as they juggle more priorities and their own happiness.

The best gift my mum could give me right now would be to live a wonderful life and tell me all about that, rather than just telling me what a void she has without me.

You can make time if you want to. You're making excuses are you projecting how busy you are to them so they think you won't have time to be with them?

Mum's are also meant to be wrong , ;) they are forming their own minds and making their own decisions your opinion isn't wanted

In your mid 20s how much close contact did you have with your Mum?

Yeah, I can't go to their homes - one lives in a flat share with other men in their 20's. The other lives with her boyfriend, in his Dads house. It would be different if they had their own homes. One is moving abroad again next month, and the other is actively job hunting abroad at the destination his partner is already at. So it's going to get a lot worse, to be honest. Both will be in different time zones!

I agree it's pretty normal, when I look back at myself at that age I wasn't in regular touch with my DPs ... of course it was different in those days as we didn't have mobile phones or 'instant' communication but I was getting on with my life (and so were they - my DM started a fabulous new career in her 50s). It hasn't affected our long term relationship - I now live quite near her & at 90 she's taking me to a very smart restaurant tonight .

My DS is in his 20s now and lives the other side of the world but we do WhatsApp most days.

Be proud that you've raised confident, independent young adults.

I think 90 percent of what you are experiencing is probably a very natural part of the process of bringing up healthy children.

Please, please don't think they wouldn't care if you died- I am absolutely sure they'd be devastated. They are securely attached and they know you are there and (hopefully) that you are ok. That in many ways allows there to be little contact. Yes, there is an element of being taken for granted, but that is a sign of secure love, not indifference.

You haven't really said how often you actually see them, have a call, or hear from them by text? And how often are you texting them?

I would suggest you stop with the advice. My mum tried to build her relationship with my grown up brother through advice giving (more than with me, for some reason) and it drove a big wedge. Basically, any time she gave him advice, he would hear "I think you are incompetent". Them rolling their eyes doesn't mean you opinion isn't valid - it means they want you to trust that they know stuff. If they need advice, they will ask for it. I would not call my mum if she consistently tried to volunteer unsolicited advice.

Is that unsolicited advice or did they explicitly ask?

I work 7 days a week

Maybe they think "mums always busy" so they just get on with their own interests?

I'd say most people in their mid20s up to their 40s can take a few days to reply to messages.

I hear you op. .

Im confused as when i was their age i went out to see mum and dad every week on my day off...had a chat, mum made dinner and i went home. I never considered not going. I probably didn't have much else to do and my parents were elderly even then. I guess i was just very close to them and needed to go home often. My ds is the opposite and looking at it logically its probably more healthy the way he is. I was always aware my dad especially was older and didn't have years and years left. And i was the kid on school trips who was ill with homesickness. I guess im just needy but ive raised my dc not to be. Which is a positive i think.

@SunSparkle those are some of the wisest words I've ever seen posted here.

thats exactly what I try to do. and I mean "try". I don't always succeed but I do try to.

Just because you can't go to their homes, doesn't mean you can't go to their town to see them somewhere nearby though?

Also, if you're giving unsolicited advice, just stop. No one likes unsolicited advice from anyone

From their familial set up I’d say they are still living a kind of student lifestyle. Lots of friends, going out, partying. Parents tend to come back into the fold when the kids but their own properties and have their own children. Just sit tight and it will change.

Brilliant post

i could’ve written your post op.

someone said to me ‘wait til they have babies, then they’ll want you ‘ !

i was much the same at their age with my parents.

i like the idea that i’ve done a good parenting job and they don’t need me any more.. but i do have a moan at them whenever i see them.

ive just had fibre broadband installed so that’ll get my youngest over for a week so he can work from home 😁

Oh my goodness, I'm dealing with the same thing right now. But I'm the adult child (at 51).

My mum text me the other day, and in a hugely passive aggressive way, asked why I don't go around! I was gob-smacked! I tried to skirt around it, but she pressed. Apparently I hadn't been over since Feb except when its to do with the kids (no childcare BTW and thats fine). My answer was that I am always the only one who ever arranges to catch up! And if Im the only one to arrange anything, I'm going to arrange things out that are easier for me. My mum, never ever calls me or or organises anything. She is only 70 is completely fine with herself. I organise EVERY SINGLE CATCHUP and she's been sitting there getting angrier and angrier, but has never even asked me over for lunch? The pressure on me to organise everything is immense (I'm also an only child).

Sorry to hijack, I'm not saying this is you. Just the timing if this thread is a coincidence. I hope everything goes well with you.

I think you are totally right about this. My MIL thinks that we don’t see her enough (she even told someone she thinks I don’t like her due to this).

However, going to visit PIL involves sitting in a small, quite dark room (always with blinds down), squished on a sofa, and having cups of tea (strangely enough, they have a much bigger reception room and kitchen also but it isn’t where they prefer to sit).

DH does this at times (not enough for her though) but I rarely go with him.

It’s just uncomfortable. We have very busy lives where I am lucky if I can spend time with my actual friends.

When we visit my parents, usually it’s when they have invited us over and we all have Sunday lunch, or a Boxing Day buffet etc, and a bit of effort has gone into it, or they invite us out for a meal for a birthday or something.

I make an effort a couple of times a year, for MIL’s birthday I usually cook for them, and we always do Christmas dinner or Boxing Day here.

If they made an effort though, or suggested meeting somewhere away from their home, we would probably see a bit more of them!

OP, you say you spoil them rotten. I suspect that the result may be that they are rather self-centred and take you for granted. Assuming you are not bombarding them daily, leaving your messages unread is plain rude, and you should tell them that. I would also tell them straight that you feel hurt that they don't make any time to come and see you, and discuss what might be reasonable, such as a Sunday lunch once a month or whatever.

That said, I don't think you should be thinking about them so much. My kids are a similar age, and out of sight is out of mind for me most of the time. I have an interesting job, and lots of hobbies and interests. I love seeing my kids when they turn up, but I don't depend on their attention.

As for not valuing your opinion, that's because they're young and currently know everything. Life will knock the corners off them, and they'll learn that they're not as wise as they think. I look back and remember the scorn I once felt for some older family member's opinions, and now realise I actually agree with them, and I was an idiot for thinking I knew better.

Absolutely this. Very well put.

It’s not you, OP, it’s them, but they aren’t behaving that way because they don’t love you.

Keep sending messages. Keep being the reacher-outer. (And it’s OK to say - maybe in person, when everyone is fed and otherwise happy and it’s part of a normal non-confrontational conversation- that you do find it a bit hurtful when they take days to reply to a message or text. Say it with love and a smile. They do need to think of you as a person with feelings. Prompt them gently!)

Oh, and we aren’t ‘invited’ for this, it’s just “you should pop around for a cup of tea/why doesn’t cupboard visit/we haven’t see you for ages/you never come around anymore”
to DH (who also works long hours and is trying to fit everything into life and have downtime too!)

I think this is normal at this age.

when I was about 25 my mum (who definitely has some mental health problems which manifests in toxic behaviour- but I love her it’s fine) send me an absolute bollocking essay saying that I don’t bother with her, or my dad, or my grandparents and I was too interested in my own life 😂

She wasn’t wrong- I probably only FaceTimed once a week and wasn’t very responsive to text, but it was completely normal
for a new grad, busy socialising, drinking, hobbies….in another country might I add!

she missed me and didn’t really get it- she was from a community and background where everyone still lived on the same estate and if you ‘made it’- you bought your own house in the same postcode. Everyone was in each other’s pockets.

she felt utterly rejected- I get it, but our normals were just different.

When I met my now husband at 27 and became a bit more of a homebird, I definitely ‘came back’

I now live in the same city and she helps with childcare

I’m not suggesting you are like my bonkers mum, you don’t sound a bit like her- but this period is just very normal for self obsession as you build your own life away from family!