To miss the class play because my son doesn't have a line (again)?

[TheYearOfSmallThings]

I have always made an effort to take time off work and go to class assemblies, plays etc. The same few children get the main parts, because they are reliable and do a good job. My son (8, Y4) gets the odd line but, like most of the class, is essentially stage furniture. He is used to this situation, and not that bothered.

This time he literally doesn't have one word in the entire play. I am happy to send him in dressed as a pirate so he can stand behind the boy who has all the pirate lines, but I am about to wipe out a lot of A/L over Christmas and I really don't want to book yet more time off to go and watch other people's children perform.

My friend says I will regret it and DS will be mentally scarred for life. Will I? Will he? Or does there come a time when you can say "If he doesn't have an actual part it's fine to skip it"?

stand up, hoot and hollar for him. Doesn’t matter he didn’t have lines
Please please don't humiliate your child like this.

Mentally scarred 😂 Such resilience we are developing in our kids! I'm a teacher and can't take AL for this type of thing anyway, I'm sure my kids will survive. I don't think him having a part is a huge issue, or missing the play. Not everyone can get a speaking part 🤷 it's really not a huge deal either way. I was shy at primary so didn't get parts in stuff, which was fine. He doesn't seem bothered you shouldn't be either.

My kids' school nativity plays have always involved every child having a line (and very few, if any, having more than one line).

OK, so it makes the whole thing feel a bit contrived, with a group of four angels standing up and each angel speaking one line, then the four shepherds each speaking one line in response, etc.... But we're not there for the gritty realism. We're there to see our children looking cute with teatowels on their heads, having lines in their class nativity play.

I wouldn't change it for the world!

@Mswest Do you not think schools should encourage dc to speak on stage if they can? It’s certainly something that boosts confidence. Lack of confidence and ability to speak in public (or clearly at an interview) are well known issues that hold dc back. It’s best to try and start early and not think it doesn’t matter. Schools should try very hard to ensure as many dc as possible get a line or two.

You are seriously out of touch with what goes on in the class to prepare for a performance. Every child normally has to learn the songs and perform them - that takes a lot of time and effort and without the music side the nativity would not be worth watching unless the children were extremely talented and capable of acting large parts - very unlikely.
Every child in that nativity play is a performer - the speaking parts are usually allocated to the children most likely to be able to deliver the lines clearly, who can be heard throughout the hall and are not going to stop to look for their mum mid line and who actually want to do the job. A small proportion of the class usually, but the performance is very much done by the whole class who will have put a huge effort in and that should be recognised - they are never just wallpaper - that is an appalling thing to say - equivalent if saying only those people in managerial positions are worthwhile, the rest are just cogs enabling the managerial staff to have a better lifestyle.
If someone, child or adult puts in their best effort at what they are doing or working at they are never of less value than anyone else, their task is never of less value. Nobody or their contribution to life is of more value than anyone else's - and that includes standing in the choir at a nativity play.
What would it say to a child if he found out his parent would only come to watch him if he had a particular role in a joint venture - if he was just part of the majority that everyone relies on they wouldn't bother because it wasn't worth their while?
A lot of parents genuinely can't get to daytime events - we all understand that, although in this case OP obviously has a choice

I’d definitely go - otherwise you’re saying you’re only going if his part is ‘good enough’. Whereas you’re supposed to go because you want to see him!

I agree but that’s different - your children know you cant take al. The op is choosing not to go because his part doesn’t have words.

I would still go.

I do get it though. For the last two years of primary, ds was just stood at the back of the christmas play with nothing to do. Not even sing as that was just the choir.

What I didn’t do was take him to stand at the back for the two 6pm performances. Neither did the parents of the other few boys who were just standing there. The school went nuts and tied to enforce it - they got nowhere with that!

My daughter never got a part or any lines at infant school or nursery. I was always a bit miffed. Then one year we went and afterwards the staff told us that they’d offered her the part of Mary and she’d said no.

For all those parents who think that everyone should get equal lines, you never know what happens behind the scenes because your kids won’t tell you and also children are incredibly unreliable witnesses.

Yes, DS huffily turned down the parts of Joseph, the narrator AND the innkeeper in Reception or Year 1, because he wanted to be ‘the third sheep’.

He had a funny line as ‘Third Sheep’ and got a regular laugh (I happened to see the dress rehearsal as well as the two performances as the teachers very kindly allowed my parents to come as they were visiting from overseas but were going to miss the actual play), and he hated the laugh, because he didn’t see why people found it funny.

@Iateallllllthepies What I would have done was ask the school why dc were not more involved. It’s rude to flounce off. He could have joined the choir I assume. I guess if parents have a poor attitude it’s rather expected dc aren’t reliable either. As removing dc showed. I would have a more adult conversation about joining in and all dc having a role if they want one. Maybe your dc didn’t and liked being at the back!

Depends on how fussed your DS is. Take his lead on it.

I can't take time off to watch dd's show this year and neither can her dad (teacher, a-level class at time of performance). Dd is y2 and is OK as I have lined up so many of the parents of her friends to wave and clap and cheer.

@TizerorFizz I (and the other parents) didn’t flounce off! we just didn’t taken him back for two 6pm performances where they would be stood at the back doing nothing. Ds would have missed two much loved and pre paid for extra curricular classes on those evenings.

It was the sort of school where the same kids got the big parts year after year abs where the music teacher thought he was Simon Cowell so the choir was audition only - ds tried but wasn’t selected. Other parents did complain, year after year. I didn’t as ds wasn’t fussed - he did am dram outside of school so had his fill of great parts in those productions.

But yeah, poor attitude on my behalf.

I'm afraid it's what a lot of parenting is about...supporting your child even when it seems unimportant. Your child will look for your face in the crowd and feel sad that you can't be bothered. In a couple of years school will be over and you will be free...put in the effort now when it matters and try to enjoy the performance, I'm sure there will be singing involved.

I don’t believe it’s a good idea to remove dc from a play. If he’s good as drama why did he not do more? Sounds odd. Is he a leading light at drama outside of school? I just think it’s better to support the school and the teachers.

@TizerorFizz he’s now a 22 year old police officer. This was in year 5&6 so a long time ago.

And some schools only do give parts to certain children. The school I worked in, year after year, it was the children of the governors and PTA who got the good roles. It’s not unheard of and it’s not fair but it happens.

OP, your friend has no sense of proportion and to be blunt, needs help.

I think not coming along, and letting your DS know in advance, could be used as a lesson of value for life. Time off work is limited and you could make him aware of what you are doing on another day that he will enjoy.

Isn't the last line of this your answer OP? You said he understands you can't go to everything, hopefully he also understands that you can and do make the effort for the things he cares about. I get the thing about scanning the crowd for a face, but I'm sure it's more about the pattern and overall showing support for his activities rather than attending every single event.

I agree with others that it's a shame for the play to be done this way. If he'd be excited about having one line, but isn't interested when he doesn't have any role, it seems like their way of doing plays isn't great for the kids. Are there any group songs/dances he's excited to perform and would want you there for?

My exh didn't attend a single school play/assembly, in fact you could found the number of men there on one hand and they were mostly grandads ... don't think the kids cared. Lots of working mums can't go too, eg teachers, nurses etc

I know how you must feel. It is annoying. I moan every year when the school asks us to take more time off with no consideration for working parents!

Does your son want lines? When my daughter was young she didn’t have many lines but was incredibly shy! But she always invited me to come. I would come to watch her, not other children. We would talk about it after. It gives them a sense of pride. Also is there anyone that can go so that someone is watching him? Even if it is a family member. It doesn’t send the right message “my mum will only watch me if I get bigger parts.”

All schools are different. My daughter had more lines in the later years because she would ask her teachers directly and became very vocal. I know sometimes it’s the parents being vocal that sways decisions!

Depending on your job I found as I climbed higher I could take half a day off and explain I needed to see a school play - most of my team members saw it as one of those duties parents have. Can you take half a day off or compensate the hours another time?

Also I missed one of my daughters gymnastics demos that all of the parents were invited to watch. She was about 7 years old. The only reason I missed it was because I asked the reception, they knew nothing about it and I sat outside in the car thinking I got the dates wrong. She is a teen now and never lets me forget haha!

I’ve worked in schools for 20 years. Kids do care. Sorry ☹️.

I’d subtly ask your ds. Mine honestly couldn’t have cared less if I’d been at these events or not, and certainly don’t remember them.

The pressure seems to be all on mums to attend every school event though. It's a shame that dads don't even get half of the pressure placed on them.

Do you not think you’re saying his big occasion isn’t important enough because he doesn’t have a line? I think his not having a line is the time you need to up the excitement for it- can’t wait to see you in your costume etc etc

Our school does one play Ford the whole of KS2 and it’s usually only years 5 and 6 who will have speaking parts. The younger ones usually do a small group dance/song kind of thing. I still love going to support the whole cast, not just my own child.