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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To miss the class play because my son doesn't have a line (again)?

210 replies

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/11/2023 22:43

I have always made an effort to take time off work and go to class assemblies, plays etc. The same few children get the main parts, because they are reliable and do a good job. My son (8, Y4) gets the odd line but, like most of the class, is essentially stage furniture. He is used to this situation, and not that bothered.

This time he literally doesn't have one word in the entire play. I am happy to send him in dressed as a pirate so he can stand behind the boy who has all the pirate lines, but I am about to wipe out a lot of A/L over Christmas and I really don't want to book yet more time off to go and watch other people's children perform.

My friend says I will regret it and DS will be mentally scarred for life. Will I? Will he? Or does there come a time when you can say "If he doesn't have an actual part it's fine to skip it"?

OP posts:

Deadringer · 30/11/2023 23:09

He is in a show, lines or no, you should be there imo.

TeaGinandFags · 30/11/2023 23:09

Talk it through with your son.

He needs to know you love him not that you're sitting in the audience. That is between you and him. I'm assuming his father or sny if the grandparents can't go?

MissFranKubelik · 30/11/2023 23:10

Please go. Your child will really appreciate it and you being there will make him feel like this is an event for him (which it is).

can you take a couple of hours rather than a whole day?

pocketblocket · 30/11/2023 23:12

You would quite clearly "wipe out" your annual leave if he was the start of the show, so it's not really about that.

You're put out that he isn't the star of the show.

Why not start a thread about how shit that is? I say that as someone who relates! My kids were always the wallpaper too.

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/11/2023 23:14

Can your husband go instead so you can save your leave?

If not, I think it’s fine not to go if you feel like your leave would be put to better use. Lines or not would be irrelevant to me.

TomatoSandwiches · 30/11/2023 23:15

I would go but understand why you aren't so keen.
Is there a Nanny and or grandad that could go instead? Anyone showing up for them means a lot but it doesn't always mean it has to be you.

Original poster

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/11/2023 23:15

But YABU if you’d go if he had a line. Come on - what message would that send? He’s only worth your time if he’s one of the stars?

If he had a main part I would need valium - it wouldn't be a good idea at all! If he had the usual nominal line I would go, because he would want me to see him perform it. But not one word? He isn't very interested and I can't blame him.

Btw I willingly watch him at football and running, which is much more important to him.

OP posts:

PepsiCoco · 30/11/2023 23:17

I wouldn’t go especially if your son isn’t that bothered.
When I missed my DC plays, I asked one of the other mums to look out for them and told DC johnnys mum is going to be there for you too and they were fine with this

Original poster

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/11/2023 23:19

pocketblocket · 30/11/2023 23:12

You would quite clearly "wipe out" your annual leave if he was the start of the show, so it's not really about that.

You're put out that he isn't the star of the show.

Why not start a thread about how shit that is? I say that as someone who relates! My kids were always the wallpaper too.

No, you are talking about yourself there but not me! My son doesn't love to perform on stage and I have zero interest in him being the star.

I do think a class play should give each child something to do, because that makes it interesting for them and for their parents.

OP posts:

TotalOverhaul · 30/11/2023 23:24

I'd go. You wouldn't want to give him the impression that he's only worth your time if he has a starring role.

I once went to see my son in the infant school 'orchestra'. He forgot to bring his instrument and just sat happily on stage nodding along to the music. To this day it's one of my strongest memories of him at primary school. He was so happy just sitting among his musically talented friends, playing the instruments they'd remembered to bring on stage. I'm laughing now, fifteen years later, remembering it.

thaisweetchill · 30/11/2023 23:27

As a working mom I try to go to all my DS's activities, I don't care what it is, it's the way his face lights up when he sees me that makes me want to go, I want to make sure he knows he's loved and if it means taking a day off to do it I would.

I couldn't tell you when my mom or dad came to see me in a play at school and it still hurts now. Thankfully my nan came to every play/harvest festival etc, probably the reason why we have always had a close bond!

Don't miss it OP and don't put it on your son to make him feel guilty.

2021x · 30/11/2023 23:28

Nah my mum was 1 of 2 mothers working full time when I was at school (a while ago now) and she never came to assemblys or anything even when I did have big parts!

Didn't bother me and I am was an attention seeking child.

PlipPlopChoo · 30/11/2023 23:30

It does not sound like he is the performing type. I would have hated to have lines in a play.

How would you feel if they were making him say lines but he was terrified about the idea?

Original poster

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/11/2023 23:33

can you take a couple of hours rather than a whole day?

Unfortunately it's on after lunch, and if you go they generously let your child leave early with you. DS would normally be in teatime club until 6pm, but if I suggested he could attend that instead of leaving with me, I will get the sad concerned faces from staff. My commute is an hour each way, and we are being asked to be in the office because so many people are sick or have time booked off (probably to attend their children's plays to avoid them being mentally scarred for life).

I will have to just say "sorry, I need to work from home" - and yes, I would feel better about doing that if he got to say "Aaar!" or "Aye-aye, cap'n."

OP posts:

Muthaofcats · 30/11/2023 23:39

It’s just about showing up for him. It does fee harsh not to bother unless he got a big part. It’s about his eyes scanning the crowd and locking on you and knowing you showed up for him. It’s not about some crumby line.

knowthescore · 30/11/2023 23:44

Onelifeonly · 30/11/2023 22:55

Your child will have been involved in rehearsals, needing a costume, acting of some kind, probably singing. The rest of his class (i.e. most of his world outside home) will be there. He is part of it. Of course you should go. There are always some parents who don't but I'm sure their kids don't feel great about it, though whether it scars them for life I doubt.

There are always some parents who don't but I'm sure their kids don't feel great about it, though whether it scars them for life I doubt.

My dad wouldn't take the time off to hear me play in school concerts. I still resent it, but it's not what scarred me.

Him saying that my practising sounded like a ship's foghorn is what did the really lasting damage, because it stopped me from practicing at home in any shared accommodation, so until I had my own home in my mid-thirties. I'm now playing catch-up like mad in my forties, which is far far too late to become the player I want to be and could have been.

Lookingforward01 · 30/11/2023 23:45

This should be stopped. I find the plays with only 3 or 4 children with all the lines so incredibly dull and quite frankly a little sad.

knowthescore · 30/11/2023 23:47

Btw I willingly watch him at football and running, which is much more important to him.

That's important to him, so keep doing so, he needs your support.

Lavender14 · 30/11/2023 23:52

I'd be careful because the message you could be sending is that you're only interested when he hits a certain threshold. For example, you'd be interested if he had the lines his mate had but not to see him otherwise. So yes I would absolutely still go. He's not in control of what parts he gets/doesn't get, he's not bothered because he's just happy to be there and take part. If you don't want to use A/l can you work up toil or take overtime or adjust your hours that particular day? Seems poor on the schools part that they've such an uneven distribution of lines though. I always found seeing my parents in the audience or just knowing they were there really reassuring when I was on stage at things when I was younger.

category12 · 30/11/2023 23:56

You go to support your son, and say what a wonderful job he did standing being a tree or whatever. It's only a few years you have these things to go to.

Work is always bloody there.

Original poster

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/11/2023 23:58

Lookingforward01 · 30/11/2023 23:45

This should be stopped. I find the plays with only 3 or 4 children with all the lines so incredibly dull and quite frankly a little sad.

I wouldn't say sad, but there will be at least 20 parents watching their children picking their noses or whispering or scratching their heads and thinking "maybe a carol concert would have been better".

OP posts:

user1492757084 · 01/12/2023 00:03

I would go but if he's fine with you missing one year then that's fine. Can you ask a neighbour, Granny etc to attend so he will have some one looking at him?
Suggest that the school plays should include some songs. If kids have no lines then at least they all get to sing every now and again.

Onabench · 01/12/2023 00:06

If you can go, go.

The school won’t click you are refusing attendance due to his lack of lines.

But when he is on that stage, and all his friends are waving at their parents, he’ll be looking for someone to wave at too.

I once told my son I couldn’t make sports day. My plans changed last minute and I showed up. He didn’t spot me quickly but I still saw him scanning the crowds for some familiar face. The way my heart warmed when he laid eyes on me and he looked so content. It makes me so sad to think he’d have been scanning that crowd for the whole time.

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/12/2023 00:09

They dont care that they dont have lines, but they care that you cared enough to be there.

Mum of six and I cried at my last nativity 2 years ago (school secretary and I worked out that we had seen each other at 21 years worth of nativities thanks to the age of the kids), even though DD didnt have a line.....again. But she enjoyed the singing and dressing up and looked for me, her father and her grandparents when it was happening.

SandyWaves · 01/12/2023 00:10

VulcanVause · 30/11/2023 23:03

OP as a a child of two Working parents albeit a very long time ago -they were both always trying to get out of going to school events due to 1. Not wanting to use Leave 2. It was boring. Sometimes neither of them were there but other people parents were. this made me feel worthless.

This is so sad.

Children will be talking back stage about their excitement of their parent/s coming to watch them. As they walk in, children wave at their parent and as they sit, they might point their parent out to the kid sitting next to them.

Imagine if you are the kid that had no one to wave to because your role was minor.

Please do not do this to your child. As the poster here said, it made them feel worthless. Is that worth preserving a morning/afternoon of annual leave?

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