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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To miss the class play because my son doesn't have a line (again)?

210 replies

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/11/2023 22:43

I have always made an effort to take time off work and go to class assemblies, plays etc. The same few children get the main parts, because they are reliable and do a good job. My son (8, Y4) gets the odd line but, like most of the class, is essentially stage furniture. He is used to this situation, and not that bothered.

This time he literally doesn't have one word in the entire play. I am happy to send him in dressed as a pirate so he can stand behind the boy who has all the pirate lines, but I am about to wipe out a lot of A/L over Christmas and I really don't want to book yet more time off to go and watch other people's children perform.

My friend says I will regret it and DS will be mentally scarred for life. Will I? Will he? Or does there come a time when you can say "If he doesn't have an actual part it's fine to skip it"?

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 01/12/2023 00:10

Although I do agree that scrapping the "Xmas Plays" as they now are, in favour of a carol concert would be much better.

Not least because then the audience can join in too which would be lovely for the children to see their parents singing along.

HarryOHayandBettyOBarley · 01/12/2023 00:11

If your DS really isn't concerned, then I would keep my annual leave day to use over the Christmas holidays. He doesn't sound like he will particularly enjoy the performance, so use the annual leave day to do something nice that you can both enjoy? Or if you do end up going, then plan something enjoyable or Christmassy for both of you to do after it so you can make better use of your day off??

One of my DC had a very nice teacher in reception. The teacher explained that while all the parents couldn't attend, that she would be there in their place, to cheer them on.

The same parents tend to show up for a lot of these things. In our class groups, one of the 'keen' parents tends to record the events and post it on whatsapp so other parents can see it although often the camera is trained on only their own chld

One of my DC wouldn't care less if I didn't go to school events but the other child likes performing (and volunteers for speaking parts) and would be upset if I wasn't there. I'm happy enough to sit and watch them perform but I haven't yet gone to a sports day and never will!

Fedupwithitx · 01/12/2023 00:13

It sucks he has no lines - organiser's should really make the effort to make things fairer amongst the kids. But as someone who never had anyone in the audience for things like this (parents worked a lot) it stung every time, and I still remember the feeling. Please go

TerrysNeapolitan · 01/12/2023 00:16

You are focusing too much on this guff......no one is is going to be scarred for life, so insignificant.....these plays are dull and routine, please do not feel bad!

Theblindkraken · 01/12/2023 00:18

offs. It’s the school play. Some poor bastard , out of their contracted hours is making this happen. It’s a nightmare for them, they have to employ children they think can be relied upon to utter certain words. It’s not a reflection on your child or a personal slight. My kids got autism , in his last performance he was awarded a set of ear defenders and then cued to walk across the stage bashing a drum ( he’s actually a skilled drummer and quite good ) but I sat there shitting myself that he’d just point blank refuse to do it, wander off , do a random dance or utter a profanity… teacher has 30 kids to work with, it’s going to be awful, it’s not the west end, you show up and you applaud everyone. That’s how you teach your kid to be a good team player .

Yousay55 · 01/12/2023 00:19

Go if you can. They spend so long in rehearsals getting ready. It’s bad enough that he has no lines, but for you not to be there, makes things worse. I expect there are songs his learnt too, which is part of the performance.
if you can’t go, can you send a grandparent or a friend of yours?

Canisaysomething · 01/12/2023 00:22

Just go and enjoy the time they actually want you to be present in their lives. He’ll be a grumpy teenager wanting nothing to do with you soon enough.

Roastpotatoesat3 · 01/12/2023 00:26

Do you live far from work?? My boss is tight as hell and we get no perks but I’ve always been able to pop out to the school play. 2 hours max!

Siha345 · 01/12/2023 00:31

They should give every child at least one line unless they really don’t want it. I think mentally scarred is a bit much, but I still remember my parents coming to see my primary plays and not being very enthusiastic which hurt. As a class/year we’d spent hours or days learning lines, sorting costumes, rehearsing, getting hyped up by the teachers. I was shy and not much of a performer but I would’ve been secretly heartbroken if my parent didn’t want to see me on stage

NotEvenThought · 01/12/2023 00:45

I've 4 kids and two of them 100% wouldn't have cared if I had been there to watch them in a school play.

Ask you child and maybe suggest if he isn't bothered that you use the leave you save to do something special with him

I've not read all the thread so sorry if someone else has suggested this already

Secnarf · 01/12/2023 00:48

This thread is interesting reading.

I was coming on to say that you don will not be scarred for life by you not being at one Christmas play.

I have to give minimum 6 weeks notice to take annual leave as I work in healthcare, and you really can’t cancel lists of patients at short notice except for the illness/emergencies. There is never that much notice for school events.

Having worked in a number of different hospitals over the years, this is absolutely the norm, and many people are in my shoes. And this will be case for many different industries. Not all work can be time-shifted or swapped.

My child is also in year 4.

This year is the first time that I will be able to attend my child’s Christmas play as it happens to be scheduled during non-patient facing time. I have been able to attend one football match as that also fell during admin time.

Otherwise, I have not been able to attend a single school event.

I don’t think she is scarred for life by me not being there. Other parents are really kind and support her, and take videos for me, and then I watch them with her later when I get home.

I realise that the parents wouldn’t tell me that my child was sadly looking out for me, but I don’t see her doing this in the videos.

She accepts that I will hardly ever be there as she knows I would be there if I could, and I attend all her matches and performances for her extra-curricular activities.

So I don’t think he will be scarred for life if you are not there.

However, I would agree with previous comments that you need to be careful that you do not give him the impression that he has to meet a certain level of achievement to make it worth your while.

Bournetilly · 01/12/2023 00:50

I think you should go and just take the afternoon off (or couple of hours and explain to them and your son he will need to stay at school until usual pick up as you have to go back to work). He might not have a line but he’s still in it and will see all the other kids with people watching.

They should give everyone who wants a line one otherwise it’s unfair. Are you sure he didn’t say he doesn’t want one?

snowbird21 · 01/12/2023 01:04

I think all children with all abilities in should partake in the school plays when they are in younger years probably up to Y4 but there does come a point where I think the school either applies the same logic to sport as it does to drama. So the children who are best at say football and netball get picked for the school teams - but in drama/school plays when a different set excel in my son's school rather than choose those who were best for this (who were a different set of children) they choose ones to encourage confidence. This is my view sent the wrong message - its ok to be selective in certain fields but not in others. I will say I think lower down it should be everyone but as the move to the top of the junior school I think it should change - of course the teachers won't know who has skills if they haven't engaged or developed any previously.

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/12/2023 01:06

I do think that there is a massive difference between "I would but I cant" and "I could but I wont". My DD is a medical professional and has issues about booking annual leave short term, she spends most of December swapping shifts for parent colleagues for this sort of thing and then calls it in to get NYE/NYD off!

When my son was little (now 33) he was Joseph. My boss refused to allow me to attend unless I hit my sales target. I missed it by 2% due to a cancelled appointment. I still get teary thinking about it. Now I would have told her to fucking stuff it and gone anyway but mid twenties me just sucked it up.

To this day my son refers to "That bitch boss". He knew how upset I was, he knew I spent money I couldnt afford (£25 about 25 years ago) on a VHS video just to see him in it, and I made sure that his grandparents where there. He knew that I absolutely would have been there if I could have been. I think it came across in how I acted about it.

But if I had said "Oh well, you havent got a line so I will save my leave for a nice day out in the holidays", I think it would have clearly shown that I didnt care about going. So I wouldnt ask as they may well give the answer you want to hear, based on your demeanor rather than what they want to say. I would simply go.

Dibbydoos · 01/12/2023 01:27

OMG, so your DC needs a line in the school play to have your time?
YABVU in fact your attitude is OOO. Go see him in the freaking play. Like most kids, he has a part he just doesn't have a line!

SD1978 · 01/12/2023 01:50

I fully understand your position- we are also usually spare part #6 with no lines- but they love it when you go. They are usually proud to take part, and the way usually their faces light up seeing you- it's worth it (to me) can you go with a flexible arrangement? Work later a few days to cover the afternoon or morning off?

Drhow · 01/12/2023 03:15

I get it OP. It’s always a drag when you have to sit through an hour long performance when your DC has minimal or no input at all. Always feel the same with sports day tbh, that drags on forever and you’re only there to watch your DC which is often about 2 minutes of the whole time.

I’d still go though because it will probably mean a lot to your DS.

Penguinfeetteal · 01/12/2023 04:18

What about his dad if he is around? Or another family member such as a grandparent who might enjoy being asked to go and then take him out for a McDonald's or something after to make it special for them.

Ikeatears · 01/12/2023 04:35

Make it worth your while. When he finishes early after the the play, plan something nice with him. A bit of Christmas shopping and a hot chocolate in a cafe? A trip to the cinema? Make a day of it and then your al doesn't feel wasted and you get to spend extra time with ds

MixedCouple · 01/12/2023 04:41

When i was younger and IF my parents could attend they just took an hour off of work. Can you do that? My oarents didn't come to all my plays and I didnt care. Unless your DS wants to be a performer/Actor I am sure he won't care. If you make it sometimes so be it.
I used to play netball and my parents couldn't always make it to big games - so what.
I personally feel kids need to grow up a bit more and understand that parents can't be there 24/7 for these things. It isn't major or life and death. We dealtneoth it wendidnt feel offended or sad and it didnt affect my life in the slightest.

crazyBadger · 01/12/2023 04:45

Just because you don't have lines dosn't mean you can't...

  1. Stand centre stage and slowly unzip your cow costume to reveal your naked underneath (his teacher gave Usain bolt a run for his money)
  1. Sit next to piano and slowly raise your hand to "help" the music teacher..
  1. Randomly start singing we wish you a merry Christmas with elbow movement so violent you clear a big space around you..
  1. While the class is quietly entering the hall in single file, you stand still waiting for a big enough gap to make your entrance with a long knee slide in.
  1. Insist on taking your own bow centre stage and thank everyone for coming.
crazyBadger · 01/12/2023 04:48

You never know what you will miss... :)

WillowCraft · 01/12/2023 07:30

You are coming across as being disappointed in your son. On the one hand he isn't bothered about the play and performing on stage. So that is probably why they haven't given him a speaking part. On the other hand you are really disappointed that he hasn't got a part yet again to the extent that you can't even bear to watch.

I think that whether you go or not shouldn't depend on whether he has a line to say. Either you don't have the annual leave, or you do. He won't be scarred by you not attending, but your obvious lack of support might be an issue.

I suggest getting into amateur dramatics yourself and take the pressure off your son, then you won't care about his role and will just be able to enjoy whatever role he does have in the performance.

twirlywoop · 01/12/2023 07:31

You're basically telling your son you're only interested if he gets a speaking part.

Shit message to send him

PuttingDownRoots · 01/12/2023 07:43

This is reminding me of the time we had a whole school play... with 8 kids in the entire school having speaking parts, with the rest being back up singers and dancers.

The singing and dancing were great... but everyone was a bit WTF over the few speaking parts... all if whom had parents who worked at the school (they were playing their parents).

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