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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To miss the class play because my son doesn't have a line (again)?

210 replies

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/11/2023 22:43

I have always made an effort to take time off work and go to class assemblies, plays etc. The same few children get the main parts, because they are reliable and do a good job. My son (8, Y4) gets the odd line but, like most of the class, is essentially stage furniture. He is used to this situation, and not that bothered.

This time he literally doesn't have one word in the entire play. I am happy to send him in dressed as a pirate so he can stand behind the boy who has all the pirate lines, but I am about to wipe out a lot of A/L over Christmas and I really don't want to book yet more time off to go and watch other people's children perform.

My friend says I will regret it and DS will be mentally scarred for life. Will I? Will he? Or does there come a time when you can say "If he doesn't have an actual part it's fine to skip it"?

OP posts:
CormorantStrikesBack · 01/12/2023 07:45

twirlywoop · 01/12/2023 07:31

You're basically telling your son you're only interested if he gets a speaking part.

Shit message to send him

This. You should be praising all his achievements and faking interest even in the stuff which seems really small to you. It won't be that small to him.

CesareBorgia · 01/12/2023 07:47

Have you asked your son if he wants you to go? He might not be bothered. I remember when I was eight begging my mum not to come to our school play because I was embarrassed by the silly costume I had to wear.

jemenfous37 · 01/12/2023 07:52

How on earth do you think that every child can have a line in a play? The fact you said those who do have parts are 'reliable' speaks volumes. Not to go just because your child isn't saying anything is rather weird, and will give your child the impression that you are only interested in his school activity if he is central to it.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 01/12/2023 07:53

Not going would seem to imply that his non-speaking role is unworthy of your interest or attention. That might be fine if he is totally uninvested in the whole thing himself, but not if he has enjoyed being a part of the whole production.

Personally, I wouldn't want to send the message that his part isn't good enough to make it worth my time. But you know your son best and how he might interpret stuff. I doubt that he'll be scarred for life either way!

TizerorFizz · 01/12/2023 07:57

My DDs always did the Christmas play in the evening! Why is this during the day which makes it difficult for working parents? I’ve never been to one in the day. The dress rehearsal was during the day for grandparents and care home residents. Plus any parent who could not manage the evening. Schools seem more in tune with their community here.

I would always go and never refuse to go if dc didn’t do much. That’s flouncing off and letting dc down.

DoktorPeppa · 01/12/2023 08:02

This isn't about annual leave if you'd go if he had a line.

He's still part of the performance, he will have been spending time rehearsing and will be dressed up and joining in with the songs. This is the reality for most children in a nativity. If you are able to go then it's a bit rubbish not to

PonyPatter44 · 01/12/2023 08:03

I'd go if you can. I was one of those "star kids" who always had lines, a decent part, a solo, etc...and my parents rarely came along. It was quite disheartening, tbh.

Mintyt · 01/12/2023 08:06

You need to go to support your child. He will look for you, you can let him know you are very proud of him. You need to make a effort

Janiie · 01/12/2023 08:08

Go! He probably won't remember or care about not having lines in years ro come but parents not bothering to go will stick.

Just shove a smile on your face and wave enthusiastically.

sashh · 01/12/2023 08:12

From my memory I can only remember one time I was upset, it was because my mum had promised to be there and then didn't turn up.

Knowing whether she would or not made the difference.

Tatumm · 01/12/2023 08:15

Can a family friend or granny go in your place?

TJCar · 01/12/2023 08:33

Not going because you have other commitments you can't possibly change (like work, court appearance, operation, etc) is perfectly understandable. In those circumstances you play a substitute and explain things carefully to your child.

Not going because they don't have a speaking part is poor! Don't underestimate how daunting it can be for children to go into a hall full of strangers. Knowing there is a loving, familiar person in the audience is so valuable.

wizzywig · 01/12/2023 08:59

My kids have never equated me coming to every school play with love. I've done most of them when they are younger, but if I couldn't I couldn't and I explained it to them. I also haven't bought every years of school photos. Does that mean I have mentally scarred them?

peppermintcrisp · 01/12/2023 09:08

Yes I agree. My DS got the lead in a big end of school play. I did feel sorry for the DC who were props and had to stand for the best part of an hour being a clock etc

YANBU to feel annoyed but YABU not to go. My DS does want me at everything, it means a great deal to him. If you can make it you should go.

user6776 · 01/12/2023 09:11

My DS has SEN, pretty much non verbal so doesn't have lines/participate as such, but it's more the thought that I'd hate for him to see the other children's parents turn up and not me. Could you ask work to be flexible rather than use AL?

Deathwillbebutapause · 01/12/2023 09:16

Is the child's father angsting about whether to take the day off work? As if.

You can't make it every time. Workplaces are generally under pressure in December and I wouldn't request or approve leave for a school play, personally.

I personally never go to those awful sport day things either but do try to get to musical ones / leaving ceremonies.

Onelifeonly · 01/12/2023 09:35

OP you are being illogical. I completely understand about being disappointed / miffed your child doesn't have a speaking part (though at my children's primary everyone did have a few lines, I just got annoyed that one child had 100s and she already attended a drama group out of school so had plenty of opportunities to perform....). But you're making it about AL. Either you can go or you can't, either you want to or you don't. Don't make the decision based on him having no lines to speak. I've known kids who helped with the lighting or sounds and never appeared on stage as they were too overwhelmed to do so. They still liked their parents to see the results of their role in the event.

As for feeling pressured to take him home early afterwards - stand up for yourself. Make it clear you (sadly) have more work to do at home and go. My children had a great after school club and would have been happy if I did this. Even if not, I'm sure you can explain it to him / the staff (it's not their call anyway)

Holdmeclosedontletmego · 01/12/2023 09:36

My children have no line, I’d never dream of not going. My children would remember & they’d be devastated.

MrsSkylerWhite · 01/12/2023 09:39

Go, it’s important at that age.
As ours got older, they didn’t want us to go to anything!

Hankunamatata · 01/12/2023 09:42

First thing kids do when they come into the hall is look for their parent or carer. We get the kids to do a hello and wave to get it out of the way so we do t get excited shouts of mum, dad, etc through the nativity

WrongSwanson · 01/12/2023 09:48

jemenfous37 · 01/12/2023 07:52

How on earth do you think that every child can have a line in a play? The fact you said those who do have parts are 'reliable' speaks volumes. Not to go just because your child isn't saying anything is rather weird, and will give your child the impression that you are only interested in his school activity if he is central to it.

My step children's school always picked plays where every child had a line (and it was a 3 form entry school). Either around 2/3s had a line of the narrators part or they picked plays specially written to ensure all children took part

It was lovely to see every child get a moment. Made for really lovely shows

Zanatdy · 01/12/2023 09:49

I hate this - but I would (and did) still go. Not sure why teachers don’t give other kids a chance

Mamette · 01/12/2023 09:52

My DSs don’t say anything/ much in plays but all the more reason for me to make sure I’m always there, and I’m the type that will be waving to my own child from the audience.

Otherwise what message are you giving? Your part is worthless and not worth my attention? Other people will have their parents watching because they’re important… but you’re not?

berksandbeyond · 01/12/2023 10:34

I think it’s important to show your child that you’ll show up for them, even when they don’t ‘win’

dogvcat · 01/12/2023 11:27

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/11/2023 23:33

can you take a couple of hours rather than a whole day?

Unfortunately it's on after lunch, and if you go they generously let your child leave early with you. DS would normally be in teatime club until 6pm, but if I suggested he could attend that instead of leaving with me, I will get the sad concerned faces from staff. My commute is an hour each way, and we are being asked to be in the office because so many people are sick or have time booked off (probably to attend their children's plays to avoid them being mentally scarred for life).

I will have to just say "sorry, I need to work from home" - and yes, I would feel better about doing that if he got to say "Aaar!" or "Aye-aye, cap'n."

I know how you feel, all the pupils should have at least a line.

I went to my dgc1’s Christmas play last year, just to watch the teacher’s child as star of the show (again). Don’t get me wrong, she was good (her dm can obviously coach her at home), but I really have no interest in watching her perform as the star every time. I went to see my dgc, not her.

I think the most annoying part is that the play takes in 2 class age groups and she was in the younger class group, which are normally just there to sing or fill in the background, but she was still chosen to have the main part. This year she will be in with dgc2’s class, so if I go I will have the pleasure of watching her play the lead again!

I know I’m not the only parent / grandparent who is fed up of it, but what can you do, you (well in my case, my dd) can’t complain?