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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To miss the class play because my son doesn't have a line (again)?

210 replies

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/11/2023 22:43

I have always made an effort to take time off work and go to class assemblies, plays etc. The same few children get the main parts, because they are reliable and do a good job. My son (8, Y4) gets the odd line but, like most of the class, is essentially stage furniture. He is used to this situation, and not that bothered.

This time he literally doesn't have one word in the entire play. I am happy to send him in dressed as a pirate so he can stand behind the boy who has all the pirate lines, but I am about to wipe out a lot of A/L over Christmas and I really don't want to book yet more time off to go and watch other people's children perform.

My friend says I will regret it and DS will be mentally scarred for life. Will I? Will he? Or does there come a time when you can say "If he doesn't have an actual part it's fine to skip it"?

OP posts:
istolethetalisker · 02/12/2023 16:00

My parents missed a couple of plays when I had no lines, and most sports days. They were very upfront with me about having only so much annual leave, and wanting to save it for things I cared more about. I promise I’m not mentally scarred 😂

RafaFan · 02/12/2023 16:17

SpottyCrumpet · 02/12/2023 15:06

You show up for your kids. Every single time. It used to break my heart seeing the kids without a parent in the audience because they were working / couldn’t be arsed.

Not that you were judging or anything...parents have to work and some jobs you just can't take that time off. How do you know that some parents "couldn't be arsed?" I was disappointed for 5 minutes when my mum didn't come to my P3 play when she had said she would...because her mother died. My eight-year-old self dealt with it.

rookiemere · 02/12/2023 17:04

Jom222 · 02/12/2023 15:07

my parents never attended any of my school activities and it hurt every single time. It esp hurt seeing my friends parents beaming as I searched the crowd for someone but nobody was ever there for me.

It matters that you prioritize your child imo

Yes and if OP said she wasn't intending to go to any school events that would indeed be a bit sad, but that's not the case here.

TizerorFizz · 02/12/2023 18:08

This school play should be in the evening as I said earlier. What school does the main show in the daytime? Cannot remember this ever! Rehearsal in school time for grandparents and shift working parents. Problem solved.

Obvuously no school can easily do sports day in the evening but school plays? Of course they can.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 02/12/2023 18:27

TizerorFizz · 02/12/2023 18:08

This school play should be in the evening as I said earlier. What school does the main show in the daytime? Cannot remember this ever! Rehearsal in school time for grandparents and shift working parents. Problem solved.

Obvuously no school can easily do sports day in the evening but school plays? Of course they can.

In my experience only secondary school plays / concerts / productions are in the evening. Everything in primary school was during school hours except parents evening which was straight after school and finished by 5pm.

TizerorFizz · 02/12/2023 18:35

I’ve never been to a primary play in the daytime and even the school carol services were in the evening at the CofE junior. It’s really down to a school understanding its parent body and being reasonable. I guess I’m in an area where some parents commute to work and some were doctors etc but they would never want to miss a production. Parents nearly always attended and they did two evenings sometimes! You can do this if you care about families. I’ve been a governor of 3 schools and they did evenings too. Maybe it’s where you live?

GreatGardenstuff · 02/12/2023 23:56

DS never had a speaking role all the way through primary as he was a quiet, shy boy. I went to every performance to support him and let him know it was important to me. Suddenly in year 6 he put his name down for a big role and ended up one of the stars of the show! We never saw it coming, but maybe our support over the years made him feel like he could finally go for it?! It boosted his confidence enormously.

TizerorFizz · 03/12/2023 09:14

@GreatGardenstuff I think you have explained very well why parents should support DC. Dc do mature and, when they feel supported, they branch out and are willing to take a chance. Boys in particular seem to do this later. Being able to speak in front of an audience does promote confidence. Time and time again a confident person gets on well in life even if they are not the most academic. School plays at primary start this process and it’s why as many dc as possible get to speak. It’s also why parents should value them and try and get dc to volunteer to speak.

Sallysoup · 03/12/2023 09:20

Dd never had a single word in the play all through primary. She would have been thrilled to be a silent angel or star or something with a nice costume but every year she was background furniture or, a particular low, 'farmyard animal 3'

It did feel like a waste of time.

InTheRainOnATrain · 03/12/2023 09:21

I’d ask him how he feels about it. He’s old enough to understand that mummy (and daddy?) work and holiday days are limited and may well be fine with it if it means getting an extra day to spend with you over Christmas break. Of course it won’t scar him for life, what sexist nonsense because it’s something no one would ever say because Dad was working.

However, not even having 1 line is shit and I would complain to the school. How hard is it really to do the play so each child gets to say something, even if it’s only 3 words? Unless the child really doesn’t want to of course. DD has had plays since reception and every single child has a speaking part.

IamMummyhearmeROAR · 03/12/2023 09:24

Our nativity doesn't have enough lines for the 120 children taking part . But we need all of those 120 voices to sing and the faces to smile.

InTheRainOnATrain · 03/12/2023 09:38

IamMummyhearmeROAR · 03/12/2023 09:24

Our nativity doesn't have enough lines for the 120 children taking part . But we need all of those 120 voices to sing and the faces to smile.

My school was a 3 form entry so maybe 90 kids and they used to do the fulll unabridged story, religious school so went big on the details, but they split the parts so each character was played by a different kid in every scene. I got Mary 3 one year 🤣
Possibly torturous for the parents as I imagined it really dragged but I think nearly everyone got a speaking parts as a result. With hindsight maybe it’s a trade off that isn’t worth it…

ZebraDanios · 03/12/2023 09:40

JudgeJ · 02/12/2023 13:45

All those saying 'you must go' would be pleased if their child's teachers also took time off work to attend their children's school plays? Not everyone is able to conjure up Annual Leave for odd days off.

Show quote history

I’m a teacher and a parent. I would far rather my kids’ teachers missed half a day’s teaching than missed their own children’s plays, just as I’d far rather cover a colleague’s lessons than know they’d missed their kids’ play.

It’s one of the great paradoxes of teaching that we expect parents to show up to support their kids but often aren’t allowed to do the same for our own children. No wonder there’s a recruitment/retention crisis…

IamMummyhearmeROAR · 03/12/2023 09:46

All our classes have a defined role so P1 are sheep and shepherds so they are the only ones on stage for that song and dance. P2 are angels and stars. P3 are travellers and innkeepers. All classes get their clear time to shine and then ensemble songs too. We always do an Out of the Ark play so traditional story but with a twist.

Kezzy16 · 03/12/2023 09:49

Doesn’t matter what part they have, the kids light up when they see you. I’ve been when other parents haven’t and the kids look so disappointed it’s awful. You will regret it if you dnt go because then they get older and you miss these things.

do think it’s slightly unfair though that the parts go to the same kids time and time again and that doesn’t change in senior school either. Clear favouritism at its finest

Hopingforholidayhelp · 03/12/2023 10:21

Hmmmm fear that his achievements in life may not quite match your expectations as time goes on.
The message a child may receive in this scenario is ‘ Your not really anything much in the play ( you didn’t achieve ) so I won’t bother’ versus ‘ I always love seeing you in your play, I’m so proud of you to get up and have all those eyes staring back, and I love that you give your all, ‘
most of us have to consider AL for events like this, it’s just how it is.

eeek88 · 03/12/2023 16:52

My parents only came to things if I had a relatively important role. I was not scarred emotionally. It’s possible that your son won’t be either.

Fluffyhoglets · 03/12/2023 18:18

I'd go - he's year 4 - you only have until end if year 6 and after that neither of my children did anything at high school that required my attendance in any way! They do like to know you're there as well even if they don't admit it!

rmcc1983 · 03/12/2023 19:30

I’m 40 years old now. I have been trying very hard, and I honestly can’t recall whether my parents attended primary school nativity plays or not. They both worked. I expect they came to some. I cannot recall any of the things we performed either. So I can’t imagine your child would be scarred for life. It’s only a nativity play or whatever…not like it’s a massive once-in-a-lifetime event like a graduation, passing-out parade, wedding, or something. Kids aren’t daft, they understand the concept of working to earn money. Explain it to him and he will be fine - after all you said it was something he wasn’t that bothered about himself. I imagine he would much prefer more one-on-one time with you over the holidays, doing something fun - if you explain that is the ‘payoff’ for missing the play, I’d say he’ll be fine.

TizerorFizz · 03/12/2023 20:07

I do think parents have to accept some dc are better on stage than others. Some are better at sport than others. Some are more academic than others. Not everyone will get a starring role. It’s inevitable the best and most confident dc tend to be used for parts and represent the school. As others do at sport, maths and other competitions. It’s mostly about doing something at primary school level and older dc should be encouraged to do something.

If a dc thinks a parent isn’t keen on coming, they tend to go along with it to please the parent. Most prefer to see a parent there. It’s human nature to want your parent there when everyone else’s is.

I remember at senior school my DD got a song to sing in the musical production. Then it was cut out as the musical was too long. Ar the dress rehearsal stage!

LongAndWindingRoads · 03/12/2023 20:16

My son when only given one line would quite happily ad- lib, throwing the production into chaos. Parents thought it was funny, teachers not so much. Then he would get really angry when pulled up on it because according to him it was the teachers fault for only giving him one line.

It was quite a relief for me that l couldn't often attend due to work commitments. I used to be a nervous wreck.

RhiannonTheRed · 03/12/2023 21:12

My parents worked full time. They didn't come to my sports days, they may have come to the occasional play but I honestly can't remember how many they came to (I remember they did for two for sure but other than that, no clue). They weren't on the PTA, they didn't chaperone school trips, I often couldn't go to after school clubs as they couldn't pick me up, and large amounts of the summer holidays I was at summer club or a child minder. I'm 25 now, and I have an excellent relationship with my parents and hold no resentment, they did what they had to to keep us fed and housed and they always did their best. It's primary school - as long as you love your kids and they're safe, they're not going to care when they get older and yes they might be a little sad at the time but I promise you they'll understand when they're older, as long as you explain.

Whyohwhywyoming · 04/12/2023 00:20

I don’t remember my mum coming to pretty much anything, including me reading a poem I’d written at a town hall event!

it never bothered me as a child, and I am a very independent and resilient adult.

NoThanksymm · 04/12/2023 01:23

Lol. You need to go.

he needs to see you there and know he’s important. Even if he isn’t the top billed performer.

stand up, hoot and hollar for him. Doesn’t matter he didn’t have lines.

TheSilkLady · 04/12/2023 01:29

As you get older you learn things I’m 47 if I had my child’s childhood over again I’d do so much differently. I’d go to the play. My sons 27 and he often talks about remembering this and that about his plays and he never had huge parts but to him they were Oscar worthy.