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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To miss the class play because my son doesn't have a line (again)?

210 replies

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/11/2023 22:43

I have always made an effort to take time off work and go to class assemblies, plays etc. The same few children get the main parts, because they are reliable and do a good job. My son (8, Y4) gets the odd line but, like most of the class, is essentially stage furniture. He is used to this situation, and not that bothered.

This time he literally doesn't have one word in the entire play. I am happy to send him in dressed as a pirate so he can stand behind the boy who has all the pirate lines, but I am about to wipe out a lot of A/L over Christmas and I really don't want to book yet more time off to go and watch other people's children perform.

My friend says I will regret it and DS will be mentally scarred for life. Will I? Will he? Or does there come a time when you can say "If he doesn't have an actual part it's fine to skip it"?

OP posts:
Applesandpears23 · 02/12/2023 10:36

I think it is fine to skip it. We have the opposite situation so I usually attend plays and skip sports day. Do you know any other parent going? Generally if I can’t go I ask another parent to take a pic or video for me and tell my child that so and so’s mum is watching for me and will tell me how it goes. When I do the same for another family I always give the other child a wave and a smile so they know I am watching them too.

rookiemere · 02/12/2023 10:41

Sloth66 · 02/12/2023 10:32

I’d go. These years go by so quickly

Indeed they do, and by going the OP probably needs to sacrifice an actual day off during the Christmas break when they can go to a Christmas market, cinema or some other lovely treat.

Working parents absolutely cannot do and be at everything, and best to save the goodwill and holiday when they can be put to best use.

TorroFerney · 02/12/2023 10:43

2021x · 30/11/2023 23:28

Nah my mum was 1 of 2 mothers working full time when I was at school (a while ago now) and she never came to assemblys or anything even when I did have big parts!

Didn't bother me and I am was an attention seeking child.

But is the reason you were attention seeking because you didn’t get her attention!!

hufflepuffbutrequestinggriffindor · 02/12/2023 12:36

This year will be the first year I'm able to see my son's Christmas concert as it's the first year that I wouldn't need multiple lessons covered (I'm a teacher in a high school when absenteeism among ataff is high at this time of year). He understands that I can't just drop everything to always go even though he gets sad about it but that's just the reality these days, most parents work and don't have a lot of free time to go to see these things.

ilovesushi · 02/12/2023 13:28

It is a bit rubbish he doesn't have a single line. All the nativities I remember with my two, every kid had something to say apart from the reception children who all performed a group song and dance. Is he bothered about not having a line? If you work there is no way you can go to everything the schools put on. I used to hate missing sports days/ school concerts etc because of work but I don't think my kids minded too much one way or the other.

ChocolateMudcake · 02/12/2023 13:29

You could ask your son “would you rather I take the day off to see you in the play or would you rather I take the day off (at X time, i.e. half term) when we can spend the day together?

Mariposista · 02/12/2023 13:29

I think OP is having a hard time here. As parents we can't go to everything, especially when the school insist on hosting these events in school hors when we are working.
OP has already said that her son is far more into his running and sport and if she has to prioritise something when it comes to time off, he would rather her be there to cheer him on at that. He is not that bothered about the play. He is not a baby in nursery - he is old enough to understand she is working. If he were a music/drama type of kid, this would be her priority and she wouldn't be going to the sporty stuff.
@TheYearOfSmallThings you are doing your best! Sadly MN is full of pearl clutching women with a LOT of time on their hands.

MelsMoneyTree · 02/12/2023 13:30

Let's be honest, even when they have a line or it's a carol concert, it's still quite often dull. But yy you should go if you can because they do always look for a familiar face in the audience. I remember one year DS didn't spot us - no idea how - he looked so sad when he came off and then positively lit up when we came up to him at the end. Now Christmas celebrations are discos and parties (he's a teen) and I have a little hankering for the days of rubbish costumes and off-key singing.

RafaFan · 02/12/2023 13:31

It's fine not to go. You have said you generally go to school things, so it's not like you're never there. On this occasion you won't be. Your son is not that bothered about the play anyway, and as long as he knows beforehand that you won't be there he'll be fine. Sometimes work that puts food on the table does have to be prioritised.

RafaFan · 02/12/2023 13:34

Applesandpears23 · 02/12/2023 10:36

I think it is fine to skip it. We have the opposite situation so I usually attend plays and skip sports day. Do you know any other parent going? Generally if I can’t go I ask another parent to take a pic or video for me and tell my child that so and so’s mum is watching for me and will tell me how it goes. When I do the same for another family I always give the other child a wave and a smile so they know I am watching them too.

Getting another parent involved if you can is a great idea!

JudgeJ · 02/12/2023 13:45

FreshWinterMorning · 30/11/2023 23:08

Of course you should still go!

All those saying 'you must go' would be pleased if their child's teachers also took time off work to attend their children's school plays? Not everyone is able to conjure up Annual Leave for odd days off.

MissingMoominMamma · 02/12/2023 13:55

He will still be singing the songs.

Manthide · 02/12/2023 13:58

Ds was actually a stage hand one year - literally moving the furniture- funnily enough he also had to dress as a pirate. I think he was year 8 and it was Treasure Island. I initially said I wouldn't go - we did have to pay - but he was so disappointed we all went in the end. He was really happy we went. It probably depends on your ds.

RudsyFarmer · 02/12/2023 13:59

It’s going to depend on your set up as to how much this means to your child and how important it is that they see you. I’ll give you two personal examples.

when I was young both my parents worked full time. I didn’t see them that much and so them coming to my plays, parents evenings, sports days meant the world.

With my children they see me ALL the time. I was a SAHM. I work at their educational setting and work part time around them. I take them to every extra curricular and they’re basically sick of the sight of me. Yes they like it if I attend the school play but it’s not the end of the works if I don’t. Their dad on the other hand - it’s important he’s there.

MrsSunshine2b · 02/12/2023 14:00

Clearly it's not that important to him, so I wouldn't make it a big deal for you either. You don't have to go to every single thing.

Longdarkcloud · 02/12/2023 14:02

There will be other events that are more significant to your DS when your attendance will be essential. My DF failed to turn up to one of mine though it would have been perfectly possible, and I still remember this milestone with sadness. It is unlikely your DS will be “scarred” by, or even remember, your absence but only a frank discussion with him will help you decide. Make sure, if you do not attend that when you have AL you can point out to him that this enjoyable time is possible because you didn’t take a day off earlier.
May be ask a friend who is able to attend to take a pic of your DS dressed up so you can enjoy it with him?

Hastheslotharrivedyet · 02/12/2023 14:29

I think to not go would convey to your son that he’s only worth going to see if he’s up front and centre x

Ofa · 02/12/2023 14:40

Entirely depends on whether your son cares about yiu being there. Some kids would be sad if no parent is there other kids wouldn’t be bothered

Topsyturvy78 · 02/12/2023 14:46

Awe he needs someone there at least. Could a grandparent go for him instead?

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 02/12/2023 14:48

What message do you think this sends to DS?

You are communicating that his contribution to the show is not worth your attendance because he doesn't have a line.

You are being a dick.

PinkLemons99 · 02/12/2023 14:51

I’d do anything to get out of seeing a tragic primary school end of term play and usually try to persuade DH to go alone. 😂

Your son will not be scarred for life if you don’t go. My parents always worked and never attended anything I was involved in and it really didn’t matter. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Gonners · 02/12/2023 14:53

Ofa · 02/12/2023 14:40

Entirely depends on whether your son cares about yiu being there. Some kids would be sad if no parent is there other kids wouldn’t be bothered

This. I was the second type, to the extent that I preferred my mother not to be there. This just made her more determined. By the time I was 8, they were giving us letters to take home to announce events. Strangely, those letters were always "lost" on the way home. 🤔

SpottyCrumpet · 02/12/2023 15:06

You show up for your kids. Every single time. It used to break my heart seeing the kids without a parent in the audience because they were working / couldn’t be arsed.

Jom222 · 02/12/2023 15:07

my parents never attended any of my school activities and it hurt every single time. It esp hurt seeing my friends parents beaming as I searched the crowd for someone but nobody was ever there for me.

It matters that you prioritize your child imo

NotEvenThought · 02/12/2023 15:40

I wonder what would happen if you posted this on a forum used by males? My sons would not have cared at all if I hadn't pitched up to plays. They would have preferred me to use my leave on something they enjoyed.