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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To miss the class play because my son doesn't have a line (again)?

210 replies

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/11/2023 22:43

I have always made an effort to take time off work and go to class assemblies, plays etc. The same few children get the main parts, because they are reliable and do a good job. My son (8, Y4) gets the odd line but, like most of the class, is essentially stage furniture. He is used to this situation, and not that bothered.

This time he literally doesn't have one word in the entire play. I am happy to send him in dressed as a pirate so he can stand behind the boy who has all the pirate lines, but I am about to wipe out a lot of A/L over Christmas and I really don't want to book yet more time off to go and watch other people's children perform.

My friend says I will regret it and DS will be mentally scarred for life. Will I? Will he? Or does there come a time when you can say "If he doesn't have an actual part it's fine to skip it"?

OP posts:
TizerorFizz · 01/12/2023 11:44

I’ve been to so many plays and performances I know schools can give a line or two to any child that wants one. Note it’s the child! Not the parent. My DDs were not great at sport but they could remember lines and be heard by the audience. Teachers could rely on them. Others got stage fright or were absent. Just enjoy all the dc. In whatever they do.

DottyLottieLou · 02/12/2023 07:14

Hrs probably been a pain in the arsenal all year so didn't get a part.

warmmfeet · 02/12/2023 07:18

I think whatever he says now, when he's doing the show and sees all the other parents there and you aren't there he will feel sad or uncared for. Sorry.

H007 · 02/12/2023 07:23

I can’t speak for your future DS, but my
DM and DF worked when I was little and although I understood the need, it really affected me and is one of the reasons I stepped back from my career so that I would be there for them as much as possible.

Wheelz46 · 02/12/2023 07:29

My son has never had a speaking part in the nativity or class plays but that is his preference as he has selective mutism so would not be able to speak anyway.

The school have always still given him a lovely dressing up part without having any attention on him. Personally I have always wanted to go watch but if I didn't, I know he would be upset.

It's still lovely to watch him up on the stage with his friends and always still brings a tear to my eyes ☺️

IamFamousIam · 02/12/2023 07:29

Lots of patents will not be able to take time off, let’s make them all feel crap for scarring their children for life.
Explain to your child that you can’t make it but you will do something together later. A hot chocolate or popcorn and a movie and school play will be forgotten.

DrFosterWentToGloucester23 · 02/12/2023 07:35

I work in a school and mine know I can’t make every event school have. However, we bend over backwards to make sure someone is there so if DH can’t make it (he normally can), MIL and even sometimes FIL step up. Or I tell DC that Millie/Tilly/Billy’s mum is coming to watch them for me (I mention this to the mum/dad and they make a special effort to wave at my DC etc)

There are a few parents that often have to miss out due to inflexible jobs (NHS etc) and they’ll mention it in the WhatsApp group so others know to step up. For example, we had an art show recently during the day and DC whose parents couldn’t make it showed their friends’ parents around. Some parents/grandparents were kindly shown around by two or three children!

User3456 · 02/12/2023 07:58

Ask your son what he thinks
Personally I probably wouldn't go anyway because of the extra covid risk.
Schools seem to be pretending there is no COVID at all, there's no mitigations, so for people who are clinically vulnerable you either have to suck up the extra risk and potential health impacts or miss out. Even for people not clinically vulnerable, if you are pressured at work or don't get proper sick pay a covid infection can cause a lot of unnecessary stress (and of course even people who are completely healthy can have long term impacts from an infection too).

NmeChngeFail · 02/12/2023 08:02

Pre-covid my children's school were doing plays almost every 2 month and of course I couldn't attend every single one.

For a few I lied and said I was there and gave the wow you looked amazing.

I did attend the ones I could though.

Bella5C · 02/12/2023 08:27

I think the fact he doesn’t have any lines and you attend to watch would be appreciated just as much, if not greater, than if he had a starring role. You’re not essentially missing much by not going but you went anyway and he’ll remember that about you. It’s being a supportive parent.

rookiemere · 02/12/2023 08:34

I'm going against the crowd here, but I wouldn't attend if it's tricky.

We can't be there for everything, so lets make sure we're there for the things that count. To me a play with no lines - provided he doesn't see it as important- isn't a major event.

I like the idea of nominating another adult you know to watch him. We did this once for an event.

One of us was always there for sports day though and the year I missed it - DH was there - DS got lots of firsts.

Providing stability through having a job and being able to pay the bills is an important part of being a DP. As long as they know they are loved, DC shouldn't be scarred by DP not being at one event where they don't really feature.

Drpawpawspaw · 02/12/2023 08:47

He’s participating in the play, regardless of lines or not. Not going because he doesn’t have a line is giving the very clear message to him that his participation in the play is not important to you, not good enough to warrant your attention. Fee; sad for your son, maybe he’d like your support?

MolkosTeenageAngst · 02/12/2023 08:54

If it was his first ever school play I’d say go, but by year 4 you’ve presumably already seen 4+ and you know he’s not interested, just say to him you can’t get time off work and I’m sure he’ll understand. Lots of kids will have parents who can’t go and see their plays due to work, I’m a teacher and wouldn’t be allowed any time off to go and see a school play in the daytime even if my child was the starring role!

Incidentally, has your friend suggested your sons dad also needs to book annual leave to see the play to avoid scarring him for life or is it only women who are expected to do this?

Draoicht · 02/12/2023 08:57

rookiemere · 02/12/2023 08:34

I'm going against the crowd here, but I wouldn't attend if it's tricky.

We can't be there for everything, so lets make sure we're there for the things that count. To me a play with no lines - provided he doesn't see it as important- isn't a major event.

I like the idea of nominating another adult you know to watch him. We did this once for an event.

One of us was always there for sports day though and the year I missed it - DH was there - DS got lots of firsts.

Providing stability through having a job and being able to pay the bills is an important part of being a DP. As long as they know they are loved, DC shouldn't be scarred by DP not being at one event where they don't really feature.

Sure. Ask a grandparent, family friend, aunt/uncle?

But saying you don’t want to attend because your child doesn’t have a speaking part says way more about the parents’ own insecurities/unresolved school issues than anything else.

Nothankyou22 · 02/12/2023 08:59

Our school make each child at least have two lines even if they’re spoken as apart of a group but they encourage everyone to have individual lines

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 02/12/2023 09:23

Can the child's dad/your partner go instead? DH and I always had to "divide and conquer" to cover school events and holidays. Even now both dc are in high school , we only ever have bank holidays and one week in the summer off on AL at the same time.

Rowgtfc72 · 02/12/2023 09:25

I didn't always get to see dd at school. Dh and me are opposite shifts but sometimes he couldn't make it either. We always made sure another parent was there on our behalf. I've hugged other people's kids for getting star of the week and told them their mum was very proud. Other parents have done the same for us.

As an aside I've got the kid that always had a good part, very confident and loud. She even took minor roles and ended up learning lines super quick as the lead was to nervous to go on. Performing was her thing. Sports day on the other hand was excruciating watching her come last in every race and falling out of her sack. I still went and cheered and was proud of her.

Tinker1292 · 02/12/2023 09:30

As a teacher, please go. He will say he doesn't mind but he will. He might not like being the star of the show or not performing, but for kids to see their parents in the crowd showing support really does give them such a confidence boost and shows you support him no matter what he does. Could you maybe use your break time or work with your workplace to see it (sorry if this has been answered already) xx

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 02/12/2023 09:44

If you are able to take the time from work to see your child's play, then I think it's as important that you go to see him being a tree (or whatever) than if he has the starring role - because he is as important to you whatever role he has in the play.

If you can't get time off work - then it's different. But I wouldn't differentiate like that .

WhatsWorkLifeBalance · 02/12/2023 09:55

You should go, every child looks for their parent / carer in the crowd unless you absolutely can not physically get there you should be there and if you couldn’t I’d hope you were making sure someone else could go in your place, grandparents for example.

rookiemere · 02/12/2023 09:56

Tinker1292 · 02/12/2023 09:30

As a teacher, please go. He will say he doesn't mind but he will. He might not like being the star of the show or not performing, but for kids to see their parents in the crowd showing support really does give them such a confidence boost and shows you support him no matter what he does. Could you maybe use your break time or work with your workplace to see it (sorry if this has been answered already) xx

It's simply not true that every child feels the same way.

I knew from a young age that I wasn't marked for stage stardom and wasn't overly bothered about it. I was glad to see DM in the audience for nativity ( Age 5), but after that I honestly didn't mind and would have rather she didn't come.

Children aren't daft and they know that not everyone can be good at everything.

DonnaBanana · 02/12/2023 10:01

Talk to your son it didn’t bother me as a child at all but some will be upset

TheCurtainQueen · 02/12/2023 10:09

I don’t think I ever had a line in the school play. 90% of kids didn’t. But I would have been devastated if my parents hadn’t come to see me. I didn’t feel like my role was pointless just because I wasn’t speaking.

Also, where do you work? Having to take annual leave to take an hour or two out of your day is a bit much. I would just start work a bit earlier or finish a bit later.

Lucyintheskywithadiamond · 02/12/2023 10:31

Why would be wiping out a lot of annual leave, surely you would only attend one showing?

Sloth66 · 02/12/2023 10:32

I’d go. These years go by so quickly