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Original poster

I've just made myself look so insecure and desperate haven't I?

424 replies

arghksk · 30/11/2023 21:32

Been on 4 dates with a guy I met around 7 weeks ago (dates been slow due to my schedule). Wasn't too fussed on him at first but starting to like him and look forward to hearing from him.

However, I am aware I have an anxious attachment style but recently I have noticed a change in the tone of our texts. He still initiates equally but the texts are short, there is less banter on his side, hardly any questions etc. There's just been a change and I feel I am carrying the conversation even when he texts first.

He has said he isn't chatting or seeing anyone but of course that's really none of my business. I do wonder if he's met someone else but once again not sure if I'm just being paranoid due to my attachment style.

Tonight I sent him this text, 'Is everything okay? I feel like the tone in our messages have changed and I’m just bugging you. Just say if I am x'

He replied, 'nah just watching the football x'

I am cringing now and feel like I've made myself appear so desperate and needy now.

Have I? Is that quite a dismissive text he sent? I really don't know if I can do this. I feel so so so triggered and feel sick to my stomach. Can't eat properly as this knot in my stomach.

Struggle to see the wood from the trees, whether it's my issues or whether something is really wrong.

OP posts:
PremiumRaa · 30/11/2023 21:35

Trust your gut. If you feel something has changed then it most likely has.

Original poster
arghksk · 30/11/2023 21:36

PremiumRaa · 30/11/2023 21:35

Trust your gut. If you feel something has changed then it most likely has.

So what do I do? I'm meant to be seeing him this weekend.

See this always happens to me, where I can't just move on as I always worry that I'm imagining things due to my issues and throwing a good guy away.

OP posts:
Stresa22 · 30/11/2023 21:37

I’m like this, OP. It’s awful but like PP said, trust your gut.

IgnoranceNotOk · 30/11/2023 21:37

I was like this when younger.
What you have to try and do, as hard as it is, is play the dating game at the start and remember you don’t need a partner it’s something you should want but shouldn’t be the only thing in your life.

he’s said he’s watching the football so just just say: ok that’s good to know then :) enjoy the game! Then don’t text him again tonight and sit until he messages again and don’t reply until at lest tomorrow.

do you have another date arranged? Do you feel this way on the dates?

Duckling89 · 30/11/2023 21:39

It’s at this point you need to pull back a bit in my opinion, don’t be cold but stop texting first etc. If he likes you he’ll pick up the effort. If not it will fizzle out and you can move on.

Original poster
arghksk · 30/11/2023 21:40

IgnoranceNotOk · 30/11/2023 21:37

I was like this when younger.
What you have to try and do, as hard as it is, is play the dating game at the start and remember you don’t need a partner it’s something you should want but shouldn’t be the only thing in your life.

he’s said he’s watching the football so just just say: ok that’s good to know then :) enjoy the game! Then don’t text him again tonight and sit until he messages again and don’t reply until at lest tomorrow.

do you have another date arranged? Do you feel this way on the dates?

Yes date arranged on Saturday, he's staying at my house for first time. Yeah on dates he is fine. And I wonder now is he just making less effort as more comfortable?

OP posts:
Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 30/11/2023 21:41

Have you actually made plans for the weekend? I'd probably wait for him to get in touch to confirm

Duckling89 · 30/11/2023 21:41

I think it’s risky that he’s staying at yours for the first time when you’re already feeling insecure about his feelings to you. If you sleep together and he’s not really into you, you’re going to get hurt. Can you do something else instead?

Original poster
arghksk · 30/11/2023 21:42

IgnoranceNotOk · 30/11/2023 21:37

I was like this when younger.
What you have to try and do, as hard as it is, is play the dating game at the start and remember you don’t need a partner it’s something you should want but shouldn’t be the only thing in your life.

he’s said he’s watching the football so just just say: ok that’s good to know then :) enjoy the game! Then don’t text him again tonight and sit until he messages again and don’t reply until at lest tomorrow.

do you have another date arranged? Do you feel this way on the dates?

I text him that and he has replied saying he's glad he doesn't go to the games anymore as it's minus 3. Shall I not reply until tomorrow?

OP posts:
Original poster
arghksk · 30/11/2023 21:42

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 30/11/2023 21:41

Have you actually made plans for the weekend? I'd probably wait for him to get in touch to confirm

Yes made plans. Have time and he has babysitter arranged.

OP posts:
RudsyFarmer · 30/11/2023 21:43

Have you had sex yet? If no then I’m concerned he’ll go zero radio contact afterwards and you will fall apart.

Original poster
arghksk · 30/11/2023 21:44

Duckling89 · 30/11/2023 21:41

I think it’s risky that he’s staying at yours for the first time when you’re already feeling insecure about his feelings to you. If you sleep together and he’s not really into you, you’re going to get hurt. Can you do something else instead?

Yes this is probably not wise. I just honestly don't know if it's all in my mind. I look back on previous messages and I'm like he still initiates etc and he does respond within minutes most of the time. I guess just less jokes, less asking me questions etc.

OP posts:
Moccasin · 30/11/2023 21:44

I get how you feel, I’m the same. Also his message is a little dismissive. And I agree with others who have said to trust your gut.
I honestly don’t think there’s anything wrong with your message though, you really don’t need to feel like that. Have you replied to him since? I would probably just send one back saying “Oh good” or something equally brief.
Then yes maybe just pull back a little and see how things go from now.

Original poster
arghksk · 30/11/2023 21:44

RudsyFarmer · 30/11/2023 21:43

Have you had sex yet? If no then I’m concerned he’ll go zero radio contact afterwards and you will fall apart.

No we haven't. I don't think I'm going to have sex Saturday for this reason. Why can't I be normal?

OP posts:
Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 30/11/2023 21:45

arghksk · 30/11/2023 21:42

Yes made plans. Have time and he has babysitter arranged.

Show quote history

I'd probably just say enjoy the match and you'll see him on the date you've agreed

ExtraOnions · 30/11/2023 21:45

You have only been on 4 dates … how often are you messaging?
I do think that the availability of instant messaging puts an intensity into relationships way too early.
I feel like I’m about a million years old, but, 20 odd years ago when I started dating my (now) husband, I saw him once a week for the first couple of months, and we might ring once or twice in the week to make arrangements.

Maybe just dial it down a bit

Original poster
arghksk · 30/11/2023 21:46

Moccasin · 30/11/2023 21:44

I get how you feel, I’m the same. Also his message is a little dismissive. And I agree with others who have said to trust your gut.
I honestly don’t think there’s anything wrong with your message though, you really don’t need to feel like that. Have you replied to him since? I would probably just send one back saying “Oh good” or something equally brief.
Then yes maybe just pull back a little and see how things go from now.

I just said 'glad to hear. Enjoy the game 😊 x'

He has replied saying he's glad he doesn't go to the games now since it's minus 3 degrees out but think will just leave it and see if he reaches out tomorrow. I hate all this.

OP posts:
Original poster
arghksk · 30/11/2023 21:47

ExtraOnions · 30/11/2023 21:45

You have only been on 4 dates … how often are you messaging?
I do think that the availability of instant messaging puts an intensity into relationships way too early.
I feel like I’m about a million years old, but, 20 odd years ago when I started dating my (now) husband, I saw him once a week for the first couple of months, and we might ring once or twice in the week to make arrangements.

Maybe just dial it down a bit

We're texting most days. Most weeks we've taken a 2/3 day break from texting. But this week it's been every day. Wasn't going to text today but he initiated

OP posts:
RudsyFarmer · 30/11/2023 21:47

arghksk · 30/11/2023 21:44

No we haven't. I don't think I'm going to have sex Saturday for this reason. Why can't I be normal?

Show quote history

So he’s staying overnight but you’re not going to have sex? That’s not going to happen. You either need to put him off or go for it, but accept it might be the end afterwards as so many men go cold once they’ve done the deed.

JollyGoodWine · 30/11/2023 21:47

Your text was perfectly reasonable, honest and open. Hard to know out of context, but his reply was possibly a bit dismissive. But after only 4 dates and 7 weeks, he shouldn't be making "less effort" becauss he's getting "more comfortable".

Hold back a bit - don't have him stay over if you have doubts.

Josette77 · 30/11/2023 21:48

If he is texting everyday, why do you think he's not interested?

Moccasin · 30/11/2023 21:48

Do you feel a bit better now after your message and his reply? Hopefully you do as I see no reason now for you to feel anxious about the text exchange.

Screamingabdabz · 30/11/2023 21:49

I think he realises he’s on to a ‘sure thing’ so he can happily watch his footy making zero effort whatsoever and he knows you’ll be like a grateful puppy for his attention. It’s shit but people treat you how you let them. Raise your bar op.

Original poster
arghksk · 30/11/2023 21:49

Josette77 · 30/11/2023 21:48

If he is texting everyday, why do you think he's not interested?

Just the tone has changed. Less bantery, flirty, more boring to be honest. And he doesn't ask me anything. When he did before.

OP posts:
Original poster
arghksk · 30/11/2023 21:49

Screamingabdabz · 30/11/2023 21:49

I think he realises he’s on to a ‘sure thing’ so he can happily watch his footy making zero effort whatsoever and he knows you’ll be like a grateful puppy for his attention. It’s shit but people treat you how you let them. Raise your bar op.

Oh god. How though?? What do I do??

OP posts: