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AIBU?

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Original poster

I've just made myself look so insecure and desperate haven't I?

424 replies

arghksk · 30/11/2023 21:32

Been on 4 dates with a guy I met around 7 weeks ago (dates been slow due to my schedule). Wasn't too fussed on him at first but starting to like him and look forward to hearing from him.

However, I am aware I have an anxious attachment style but recently I have noticed a change in the tone of our texts. He still initiates equally but the texts are short, there is less banter on his side, hardly any questions etc. There's just been a change and I feel I am carrying the conversation even when he texts first.

He has said he isn't chatting or seeing anyone but of course that's really none of my business. I do wonder if he's met someone else but once again not sure if I'm just being paranoid due to my attachment style.

Tonight I sent him this text, 'Is everything okay? I feel like the tone in our messages have changed and I’m just bugging you. Just say if I am x'

He replied, 'nah just watching the football x'

I am cringing now and feel like I've made myself appear so desperate and needy now.

Have I? Is that quite a dismissive text he sent? I really don't know if I can do this. I feel so so so triggered and feel sick to my stomach. Can't eat properly as this knot in my stomach.

Struggle to see the wood from the trees, whether it's my issues or whether something is really wrong.

OP posts:
PammieDooveOrangeJoof · 30/11/2023 22:07

Sorry op I agree with the others. If his interest is tailing off and he is putting in the minimum effort just to keep you there for Saturday then you will feel even worse if you sleep with him.
if it were me I would cancel it beforehand and say things feel like they have fizzled out, wish you all the best.

Rewis · 30/11/2023 22:08

Could be something, could be nothing. But I have to say that I sometimes get bored with texting. It comes and goes. Then my bf asks if I'm OK and talks about my tone. Honestly, rarely it is anything. I'm just not feeling like texting. It takes effort, attention from what i am doing. But then I make more of an effort. But to me it isn't a sign of anything than personal boredom not relating to my text partner.

Original poster
arghksk · 30/11/2023 22:08

PammieDooveOrangeJoof · 30/11/2023 22:07

Sorry op I agree with the others. If his interest is tailing off and he is putting in the minimum effort just to keep you there for Saturday then you will feel even worse if you sleep with him.
if it were me I would cancel it beforehand and say things feel like they have fizzled out, wish you all the best.

Edited

I don't know if the messages and interest has changed since the first date or whether it's in my head.

OP posts:
tttigress · 30/11/2023 22:09

I don't know sometimes it's hard to keep up these texting conversations, as there is no emotion on a text no matter how many emojis you use.

I would meet him face to face at the weekend and assess.

Hibye23289 · 30/11/2023 22:09

I think what's changed is you wasn't too fussed in the beginning so would have had a cool aura but now you like him you are more sensitive to him and notice things more. It is hard I know.

toodleloop · 30/11/2023 22:10

Do not sleep with this man, you're no way near ready. Go out on a date - make him show effort.

His change of tone/keeping you ticking along is because he thinks he's got you, or because he's not that fussed. You need to step back. Match his tone and make him come forward.

I have the same attachment style - I wish you luck :)

TheScenicWay · 30/11/2023 22:11

Seriously, don't sleep with him on Saturday. Let him know it's too soon for you to have him stay over.
You'll feel really crap if he ghost you after sleeping with you or even starts making even less of an effort.

PammieDooveOrangeJoof · 30/11/2023 22:11

Then I agree with a previous poster who suggested you change the date, still see him but say you feel it’s too early to spend the night and do something different.
if he gets funny about it that tells you all you need to know.

Original poster
arghksk · 30/11/2023 22:11

He's text again with football result

OP posts:
Ladybughello · 30/11/2023 22:13

arghksk · 30/11/2023 22:11

He's text again with football result

Ah, romance isn’t dead 🙄😂

SunnyCoco · 30/11/2023 22:13

Oh mate stop overthinking everything

It's all fine
Just relax and enjoy your time together

Screamingabdabz · 30/11/2023 22:14

Well he’s pretty luke warm for someone who you’re only just getting to know… if he was mad keen on you he’d have sacked off the football and wild horses wouldn’t be keeping him away. You’d be snuggled together watching Netflix or be out giggling and flirting over a hot chocolate.

If this is the level of conversation and engagement at the beginning of this story - then the fireworks aren’t exactly going off are they?

Original poster
arghksk · 30/11/2023 22:15

Screamingabdabz · 30/11/2023 22:14

Well he’s pretty luke warm for someone who you’re only just getting to know… if he was mad keen on you he’d have sacked off the football and wild horses wouldn’t be keeping him away. You’d be snuggled together watching Netflix or be out giggling and flirting over a hot chocolate.

If this is the level of conversation and engagement at the beginning of this story - then the fireworks aren’t exactly going off are they?

Hahaha no, to be fair he has been keener on the meet ups than me due to my schedule at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
arghksk · 30/11/2023 22:16

@Ladybughello hahahahah he had me at 1 nil 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
arghksk · 30/11/2023 22:17

In all seriousness though I do think that I should pull back now and see how Saturday goes. I'm not going to reply tonight.

OP posts:
SausageAndEggSandwich · 30/11/2023 22:23

toodleloop · 30/11/2023 22:10

Do not sleep with this man, you're no way near ready. Go out on a date - make him show effort.

His change of tone/keeping you ticking along is because he thinks he's got you, or because he's not that fussed. You need to step back. Match his tone and make him come forward.

I have the same attachment style - I wish you luck :)

Agree with this

It doesn't seem like he's got the energy you're after. Unless you're interested in football why would you care he was watching it or about the result? That's extremely low effort. Just sending you a blah whatever message to keep you engaged because you're questioning his attitude. Not good. Raise your bar. I would either cancel Saturday altogether or tell him now that he won't be staying the night & see what his response is.

Inyournewdress · 30/11/2023 22:23

OP I’m worried you might be falling into the trap of thinking you like more than you do just because you feel him pulling away or worry about being ghosted. You said you didn’t like him that much at first. The things you present as his good points eg having a house, yes that’s great but jobs and income don’t make a connection. You already are finding him a bit boring and his texts so far are incredibly dull. I’d remind yourself that while you may have a pattern of being insecure, you’re not chasing this man. You are still deciding if you really like him.

Also sorry to say this but to me it doesn’t sound that promising. I feel that if he really liked you and/or had any personality he’d have gone out of his way to say god no, you’re not bugging me etc rather than ‘nah, just watching the football’. That is a dismissive and very low energy reply.

I agree there is no way I would keep Saturday arrangements in place. Given how you feel at the moment this is not a good time to take things further. @I’d give an excuse like not feeling that well or something essential come up, and then step back quite a bit see what he does.

OneSugar1 · 30/11/2023 22:26

It doesn’t seem like you’re getting out of it what you need. FYI this doesn’t mean you’re ‘throwing away a good guy’, just that he’s not the right one for you.

Epidote · 30/11/2023 22:26

He may be a good guy or not, too early to know that. What he got is more confidence than you and he is using it. He knows you want to talk and see him so he is at the very least in back a bit in him confort zone after the initial chase.
I think you are showing your cards far too early, only three dates and you are showing him you need for him. That can be used against you if he is not a good person.

You need you grow a thick skin. The fact that he sent you another text looks to me like he has some interest. However I wouldn't be surprised if he ghost you after having sex. There are to many men that just look for that.

Do what you feel better with it, you own him nothing.

Nicole1111 · 30/11/2023 22:31

arghksk · 30/11/2023 22:05

That's exactly what I do! I have done it in many relationships. My mood depends on their mood that day and it's awful. Hence why I've been single for so many years out of choice. But I met this guy and really like him and I can't tell whether my gut is right or it's my crazy attachment style? Im now totally calm and rational now that he's given me that TINY bit of reassurance whereas I was on the verge of a panic when I felt he was being off.

I need therapy, yea.

Show quote history

Read attached. Read overcoming low self esteem. Use the templates from it EACH AND EVERY TIME your anxious attachment style is triggered to keep returning yourself to a rational state (I’ll share one below). Do this instead of seeking reassurance/validation externally. It will be tough at first but eventually you can soothe yourself and recognise that your fear of anxious attachment is prompting responses in you that are not reflective of your actual ability to cope without a partner. Also look at doing some inner child work as I imagine you have a fear of abandonment/rejection which was triggered by an experience in your childhood or teens.

Anxiety template

Awareness (date and time, situation)

Anxious prediction and how strongly I believe (what I think will happen and percent)

Emotion (name and rating)

Outcome (my behaviour)

What evidence is against the anxious prediction?

What alternative views are there and what evidence supports them?

What's the worst that can happen?

What is the best that can happen?

What is most likely to happen?

If worst happens what can I do about it?

Snoken · 30/11/2023 22:32

I think I can get a little like that guy too when dating, especially if things are moving slow. There isn’t usually enough of a connection or enough knowledge about the other person to just keep texting for days/weeks. My interest will then drop a bit but then when I see them it picks right back up again. It’s not because I don’t really like them but without intensity I find it hard to keep up the motivation to send funny and clever texts. I think you should give him a chance on Saturday and if you feel like something is off when you’re with him you just go home alone. Or if you really feel like you want to rip his clothes off but not necessarily more than that then you should do that. If that is what he wants too of course.

Birdcar · 30/11/2023 22:36

You're totally overthinking it.

friendlyflicka · 30/11/2023 22:38

If this is your emotional style, and you have not got any particular commitment from him and are getting anxious, I would start messaging others and meeting new men, that would stop you getting so obsessed over everything this man says, and maybe find out about what you want. I don't think it is good for your self esteem to get so wrapped up in the intentions of one man. You have no idea what is going on in his head: there is no need for it to be so one-sided

2021x · 30/11/2023 22:39

Yep feel your pain OP. I have had a peaceful time by not having anyone to think about and finally got a slither of inner peace.

I have been starting practicing reducing my anxiety with just trying to find new friends and when I get confident with that I will consider dating again.

You are not a lone in your struggles :)

lilyandrosa · 30/11/2023 22:42

Pull back a bit, and wait patiently…he will then sense your shift and put more effort in, men can be lazy i’ve found in the past!