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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've just made myself look so insecure and desperate haven't I?

424 replies

arghksk · 30/11/2023 21:32

Been on 4 dates with a guy I met around 7 weeks ago (dates been slow due to my schedule). Wasn't too fussed on him at first but starting to like him and look forward to hearing from him.

However, I am aware I have an anxious attachment style but recently I have noticed a change in the tone of our texts. He still initiates equally but the texts are short, there is less banter on his side, hardly any questions etc. There's just been a change and I feel I am carrying the conversation even when he texts first.

He has said he isn't chatting or seeing anyone but of course that's really none of my business. I do wonder if he's met someone else but once again not sure if I'm just being paranoid due to my attachment style.

Tonight I sent him this text, 'Is everything okay? I feel like the tone in our messages have changed and I’m just bugging you. Just say if I am x'

He replied, 'nah just watching the football x'

I am cringing now and feel like I've made myself appear so desperate and needy now.

Have I? Is that quite a dismissive text he sent? I really don't know if I can do this. I feel so so so triggered and feel sick to my stomach. Can't eat properly as this knot in my stomach.

Struggle to see the wood from the trees, whether it's my issues or whether something is really wrong.

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 02/12/2023 17:12

OP there's a lot of variation of opinions on this thread, but only you know if you want to go ahead with the date or not..

It does sound like you want to take things more slowly to be sure about where you both are in terms of how you see the relationship. and that is absolutely your right.

It sounds like you have your doubts but your options are

  1. cancel
  2. continue with the date and talk to him and get more of a feeling of whether your suspicions/worries were correct or not. and maybe make it clear that you are not ready to speed up the relationship?

You don't have to do anything you don't want to or are not ready for.

Muffins34 · 02/12/2023 19:51

OP did he come over?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 02/12/2023 22:36

How is the dog ?!!!

Apparently s/he had a fit yesterday afternoon - I guess s/he had a miraculous recovery as she was receiving texts with banter in them yesterday evening...

Inyournewdress · 02/12/2023 22:38

@Rosiiee

I’m sure you use it with much more style 😄

Picturequestion · 02/12/2023 23:08

Well hopefully we are all wrong, the OP is having a fabulous night and this guy isn’t the areshole he sounds like. 🤞🤞🤞

Original poster
arghksk · 03/12/2023 09:38

Yes he came over. No sex. He's still here. Had a good night.

OP posts:
wited · 03/12/2023 09:41

arghksk · 03/12/2023 09:38

Yes he came over. No sex. He's still here. Had a good night.

Nice update!

PollyIndia · 03/12/2023 10:29

This whole thread is enough to send OPs anxiety into overdrive. I’m glad you had a good night. I also have anxious attachment so I sympathise. Good luck, I hope this works out for you

Guesswho88 · 03/12/2023 10:49

arghksk · 03/12/2023 09:38

Yes he came over. No sex. He's still here. Had a good night.

Nicely played OP! Presuming you wanted that. You've had a good night and haven't given in to his sexual overtones thereby giving the relationship (or whatever it is) time to build a foundation and flourish!

cartetatin · 03/12/2023 11:14

Where's your child if he's still there this morning? You said you had to get a babysitter so presumably your kid is in your house, have they met?

Chiar · 03/12/2023 11:19

Lovely update.

I would have no hope of a relationship working out if it depended on us both projecting, and correctly interpreting, the exact right level of interested-but-not-too-keen on WhatsApp, for weeks on end. It seems there are just so many opportunities for it to go wrong. Glad you have got this far OP.

Original poster
arghksk · 03/12/2023 11:52

cartetatin · 03/12/2023 11:14

Where's your child if he's still there this morning? You said you had to get a babysitter so presumably your kid is in your house, have they met?

Nope she's at my friends house where she stayed and I am collecting her at 3 pm then we are putting up the Christmas tree

OP posts:
Original poster
arghksk · 03/12/2023 11:55

I honestly think he's genuinely quite an aloof and laid back guy. He has been consistent with his actions so far. When we have made plans he follows through. Talking and listening to him this morning I realised that it's just how he is. So I need to chill out. Had a conversation though and agreed that if either one of us aren't feeling it to just be upfront rather than ghost.

OP posts:
Original poster
arghksk · 03/12/2023 11:57

Oh and for the poster who commented about the dog. His dog is prone to seizures.

OP posts:
Rosiiee · 03/12/2023 13:41

Yay glad it’s going well!

HomiesAlone · 03/12/2023 14:47

You're comfortable now. As soon as he goes home you're going to be anxious again. An aloof personality will not suit you. But crack on.

Crunchymum · 03/12/2023 14:51

I predict this thread will run and run. All will be good whilst he is paying you enough attention, then you'll be back with all the angst and uncertainty and self doubt.

I wonder why people do it to themselves.

Guesswho88 · 03/12/2023 17:35

arghksk · 03/12/2023 11:57

Oh and for the poster who commented about the dog. His dog is prone to seizures.

Poor thing's probably got epilepsy. My dog has it too - he has seizures about once a month and is on tablets for life.

CatAndHisKit · 03/12/2023 18:44

arghksk · 03/12/2023 11:55

I honestly think he's genuinely quite an aloof and laid back guy. He has been consistent with his actions so far. When we have made plans he follows through. Talking and listening to him this morning I realised that it's just how he is. So I need to chill out. Had a conversation though and agreed that if either one of us aren't feeling it to just be upfront rather than ghost.

I always thought he was fine, despite the crazy projecting from posters on this thread, OP! He wanted to meet you a lot more often over the 7 weks but was fine adjusting to your schedule - it's just when the wait between dates is long, many people get a bit boring with sms as you don't know each other enough to be chatting a lot / have stuff to discuss. It's al lfine and I thin khim being so laid back is good for you, as yo the opposite, the way he said you should 'relax' I read as relaxing about the whole situation, that he's not going to be letting you down, as far as want to see him obviously.

Yes, I did think that the wank text was a bit much (!) but if your bantering is in that sexual style it's not as bad as the pearl clutchers with no sense of humour have branded it to be! Not everyone is all sophisticated, this bloke may be a bit too down to earth but he obviously thinks OP has his sense of humour / equally earthy - and indeed she didn't object as such. But after reading the thread, I wonder, OP, if you did picj him up on that - to which I imagine he said he apologised but said it was all light hearted in banter context. The fact is, he is comfortable with you and has been consistent in his chilled out approach but steady with you (and did come over, wasnt just after sex - I never thought he was from what you said before).

MsRosley · 03/12/2023 19:27

Yes, all the people saying this is a man who clearly isn't in love with the OP are pearl clutchers. Righty ho.

itsmyp4rty · 03/12/2023 20:08

I think people need to remember that it sounded like there was some sexting type talk before the wank comment as OP said they'd been flirty and had practically arranged to have sex when they met. If that's the case then it's probably not that big a deal - but until things progress further it's impossible to know.

Ollifer · 04/12/2023 07:21

Sometimes I think people can't win, if you're too keen you're love bombing and if you're not too keen you're not arsed. It's very hard with texting etc to strike the right balance and some people just aren't big texters. When you meet people in real life and have time spent with them that's when you see who they really are imo.

Myfabby · 04/12/2023 12:14

cartetatin · 03/12/2023 11:14

Where's your child if he's still there this morning? You said you had to get a babysitter so presumably your kid is in your house, have they met?

wow. rude and intrusive much.

Lookingoutside · 25/02/2024 17:32

‘I always attract avoidants. Without fail’

No, you entertain them without fail.

There’s no way you should continue this with him. The initial dating/talking stage is making you sick to your stomach. Regardless of his intentions that isn’t healthy.

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