I've just made myself look so insecure and desperate haven't I?

[arghksk]

Been on 4 dates with a guy I met around 7 weeks ago (dates been slow due to my schedule). Wasn't too fussed on him at first but starting to like him and look forward to hearing from him.

However, I am aware I have an anxious attachment style but recently I have noticed a change in the tone of our texts. He still initiates equally but the texts are short, there is less banter on his side, hardly any questions etc. There's just been a change and I feel I am carrying the conversation even when he texts first.

He has said he isn't chatting or seeing anyone but of course that's really none of my business. I do wonder if he's met someone else but once again not sure if I'm just being paranoid due to my attachment style.

Tonight I sent him this text, 'Is everything okay? I feel like the tone in our messages have changed and I’m just bugging you. Just say if I am x'

He replied, 'nah just watching the football x'

I am cringing now and feel like I've made myself appear so desperate and needy now.

Have I? Is that quite a dismissive text he sent? I really don't know if I can do this. I feel so so so triggered and feel sick to my stomach. Can't eat properly as this knot in my stomach.

Struggle to see the wood from the trees, whether it's my issues or whether something is really wrong.

He sounds avoidant. I met someone similar who, when we did have decent chats, he was interesting and intelligent and we had a laugh together but then he would go cold on me all the time. I’m not particularly fussed on relationships and definitely not grown men who play games. I just cut him off in the end, I can’t tolerate that bullshit 🤣

I always attract avoidants. Without fail

I agree.

I've always remembered something my cousin said to me when I was having man trouble. She said dating is like a game, when you are keen they will back off and let you do the chasing but if you're not so readily available and back off a bit then they will chase you if their interest.

OP needs to play the game although I don't think it sounds as bad as what OP has said. He's still texting her everyday and OP said herself his texts aren't as fun but he still text so it's not lack of texts it's just his content.

Yep, I do, and on reflection I’m probably a bit avoidant myself, but not to that degree. We tend to attract similar types of people. Perhaps your attachment style is disorganised (a mix between avoidant and anxious?)

OP, he's either lazy or he's just not that into you. Don't second guess or accept second best, just move on.

It got a bit of a bad press, but 'The Rules' went into exactly this, and was full of common sense dating advice for women. 'He's Just Not Into You' is good too.

I am like this too (although it's been many years since I last dated). I drove myself mad with it!
I think the best thing to do is pull back and try to focus on something else. Its tough at first but it gets easier and you feel more in control.
He may change his tune. I think men like the chase.

Go on the date on Saturday if it comes up but don't let him come to your house and have sex. It hurts if they don't text after that - I've been there.

Try to get to know him in a friendly way and have fun going on dates. 7 weeks/ 4 dates is very early days.

I had to laugh when I saw he texted the football result OP.
It really is soooo important to some blokes. It does change the tone of the previous messages though. He's not ignoring you, just consumed at the time by the footie.

I think you are slightly overthinking this.

But having said that it sounds like you really need to take things more slowly until you are more sure about him and the Saturday plan is probably a bit too advanced for how you are currently feeling.

This is spot on. Low effort at this stage of the relationship doesn't bode well for years down the line. This is how women end up in lacklustre, shit relationships. Women need to set the bar higher, and much earlier on.

I recommend therapy to learn to like yourself. You have it in your head that it's worse to be alone than with an avoidant arsehole. You need to recognise that you don't need a man, so if one ghosts you or starts blowing hot and cold, you will be fine anyway. Once you do that, you are in a position mentally to be less invested in relationships and raise your standards about the men you are willing to date.

I'd hate it if I raised an issue, wanted reassurance, and instead, got told he was watching the football. If watching the football is more important now, after a few weeks of dating, you should jack it in. Go with your gut... There will be better people out there. By miles...

I would be like this guy too, I'm Autistic and have Adhd and when I first meet people I do the things I know are socially expected of me but when I feel comfortable around certain people, I will drop the 'fluff' (social niceties/rules, that in actuality boggle my mind). I usually explain all this to them early on though.

For me, texting is only really good for arranging a time to meet, where I feel much more comfortable being able to be myself and attempt to 'read' the other person better. I wouldn't feel comfortable having 'big' conversations over text, as they can be misunderstood/misconstrued.

If this were me (the guy you're talking to), I would think that my 'keenness' was coming across via my constant texting you, not the content of those texts.

I can't speak for the OP nor him but it seems people know all about him from the little they have read

If a person overthinks everything I am not sure 'trust your gut' works, trust your gut could mean the he is not for you it could also mean you have decided what has to happen and if it doesn't it is wrong because it is not what I decided has to happen

Also, you mentioned a childminder, which means this guy has kids. Could it be that he's generally quite exhausted and 'saving' his game for the weekend when he sees you?

Either it's in your head and you arent ready for a relationship.

Or it's not.

If it's not, the lat thing you do is put more effort in. Either drop him or make him work for it. Postpone saturday as something has come up and ask to reschedule a drink later in the week. Not your bed.

You dont sleep with a man to hold on to him. I'd be put right off. If the tone had changed do you think he will ne putting in effort on your 1, 5 and 10 year anniversary? There are better men out there. Or better times to be had alone.

Of all the women telling you to dump him here....do you think they have high standards or low standards?

Fyi OP, my now husband travelled 200 miles to spend the afternoon shopping for shoes with me for our 3rd date because otherwise he wouldnt have seen me that weekend. Thats the bar.

Why so much texting and waiting/wondering over every text?

Is it not reasonable to speak in person a couple of times per week and to see the person once per week?
I feel you can gain so much more insight when listening to a person's voice or seeing their face.
Texting can be misinterpreted and can develop into over communication and become almost annoying.

Not at all connected to the issues but when he is said it was -3 he wasnt referring to the weather but the footie! I suspect he was watching the Liverpool v Someone Else FC game as DP was watching it and was very happy to message me that they were 3 - Nil up!

I wouldn't want to be with someone who responded to my message like that. It's not very empathetic or polite. I don't think he's making enough effort.

This.
It is brilliant.
(It's called self esteem in a book)
It's stuff your mum taught you back in the day.
Except some mums didn't.

Ideally just see where things go and don't over invest emotionally or physically to begin with.

If it lasts, you might start to feel more comfortable and be able to read him better.

I think different people have vastly different views on how much texting is good / bad so you can't necessarily read anything just from that.

Interesting
I dated a guy with ADHD and he said he'd come out "borderline" autistic in formal assessments.

As soon as he was comfortable with me, he dropped what he considered to be the "fluff". I had enjoyed the first few weeks and he didn't explain any of this to me, so I ended it thinking "he's not into this anyway".

He in turn was shocked that I ended it because he thought he'd relaxed into being himself and apparently rarely does that because he doesn't feel able to. So we ended up having that conversation after breaking up! He initially asked for a second chance and I said "how would that work, you'd be masking and feeling unhappy" and he said "no, I wouldn't mask, but wouldn't you get used to the way I really am?"

Another guy forewarned me that he would suddenly run out of steam in terms of social interaction. That was much better because I was prepared so knew when it was time to go home!

Aw that's a shame about the 1st guy, that's why I'm always as upfront as the 2nd guy so that people don't feel 'tricked'. It's hard, because if we neurodivergents didn't mask, then most people wouldn't give us the time of day to start with, but when you get to know us, we're just as interesting as the next person but we may have our quirks and limits.
We all have our different love languages, but neurodivergent people may present theirs differently.

@NoNoNadaNo I wouldn't have dated the real him, he's nice but we just didn't chug along well when he was being real - though interestingly, he thought we did!

From my perspective, I spent a month or so thinking "well, either he's not interested any more or he was putting on an act to get me to like him and I don't like the version I'm seeing now".

OP I wonder if something like that could be happening here, but I agree with a pp that frequent messaging muddies the waters.

Concentrate on how YOU feel about him. If his texts are getting shorter and he doesn't ask questions or engage that means you're getting bored. You want to date someone who is fun and makes you happy. Don't date a boring guy that leaves you wondering what he thinks about you, that's not fun, dating is supposed to be fun, and if it's not... NEXT!