I've just made myself look so insecure and desperate haven't I?

[arghksk]

Been on 4 dates with a guy I met around 7 weeks ago (dates been slow due to my schedule). Wasn't too fussed on him at first but starting to like him and look forward to hearing from him.

However, I am aware I have an anxious attachment style but recently I have noticed a change in the tone of our texts. He still initiates equally but the texts are short, there is less banter on his side, hardly any questions etc. There's just been a change and I feel I am carrying the conversation even when he texts first.

He has said he isn't chatting or seeing anyone but of course that's really none of my business. I do wonder if he's met someone else but once again not sure if I'm just being paranoid due to my attachment style.

Tonight I sent him this text, 'Is everything okay? I feel like the tone in our messages have changed and I’m just bugging you. Just say if I am x'

He replied, 'nah just watching the football x'

I am cringing now and feel like I've made myself appear so desperate and needy now.

Have I? Is that quite a dismissive text he sent? I really don't know if I can do this. I feel so so so triggered and feel sick to my stomach. Can't eat properly as this knot in my stomach.

Struggle to see the wood from the trees, whether it's my issues or whether something is really wrong.

I think you just need to chill a bit and see how it goes. 7 weeks and 4 dates isn’t a lot, continuous texting might just not be his style. It would be a shame to over think and self sabotage what could turn into a good thing. Equally, maybe he is just ‘not that into you’ - it’s all just too early to tell and putting pressure on it is not going to help, just try to chill and let things develop naturally and see how it goes.

The message was fine OP just stop texting him. Some people don’t like texting I don’t.

He's watching footy! The comment about
The temperature is just running on from that.
He seems to be acting normally.
Just go with the flow and enjoy Saturday.

Switch your mindset from "does he like me?" to "do I like him?"

Dating is about finding someone compatible, not contorting yourself into all sorts of shapes to become "compatible".

Gannett's reply is perfect.

Exactly. He would probably be surprised
If he knew what you were thinking.
He's laid back.

Yes this hits the nail on the head. And I'm like you OP so I sympathise!

@Depdawg yeah I'm sure he'd run a mile if he knew what I was thinking 🤣

Unfortunately when you asked if everything's OK he thinks you mean at that moment. Men Can't read the signs sometimes.

Maybe don't reply straight away when he sends a text, leave him hanging for a while, see how much effort he puts in to chasing you.

The thing about written messages is that they don't always come across as intended. See him face to face at the weekend and see how it goes.

😂I've had similar. We can overthink things because we want to stop ourselves from getting hurt. Our
Defences go up.
Let him send the next text now and be as laid back as he is.
Feel the mood on Saturday. Go from there then.

This is a good idea OP.

Don't worry about how you come across to him. You need to take care of yourself first and foremost.

I'd also cut back on the text messaging.

I'd definitely cancel this weekend and then get to know each other more before re-arranging staying over. Phoning and speaking to each other is a lot better than texting. When DH and I first met, we'd arrange to phone each other on a particular evening during the week if we weren't free to meet up with each other and then meet up at the weekend. Other times we'd meet during the week instead instead of phoning. Both are a better way to get to know each other than brief texting?

But is he really making less of an effort? OP said above he's been texting everyday, the only thing that's changed is the jokes. I think maybe OP is over thinking things.

4 dates in 7 weeks is not much. You should be desperate to see each other.

However if you feel this way then I am not sure why you are having him stay over?

Not everyone likes texting endlessly though and especially men. My H is in trouble with his own sisters for not contributing enough to the family WhatsApp 😂. He was very much - text to make arrangements man when I met him.

It’s not you, it’s him.

I totally agree.

Do a little bit of being unavailable now & again, let him chase. I remember distinctly a conversation many years ago- around 25- when a friend asked me 'Why are men always falling over you, Puffalicious? What's the secret?" A very good friend piped up 'Because she comes across as not fussed, she has a busy; full life & makes it clear they need to fit around that'. She was dead right. She didn't bullshit me with the 'Because she's gorgeous etc' as I was no better looking than anyone else, I genuinely think it was because I was the one dancing for the joy, not looking for a man/ courting the male gaze, and genuinely laughing at something stupid.

There's definitely something in that.

Please, please don't do back and forth texting while he is watching the game. Limit yourself to 3 a day and wait for him to initiate. Exhale when he crosses your mind!

I know how you feel but if a guy didn't like you, you would know cos he just wouldn't talk to you lol. So I would just suck it up, get a grip (in the nicest possible way) and carry on. Think of fun things to talk about. Keep it light hearted.

Do not have sex with that man!

OP I’ve been seeing a guy for a little while & it was perfect at the start but the past month he has massively pulled back & I’m exactly the same as you…noticing changes in the way he texts me and sounding insane if I point out tiny things. This thread has made me realise I have an anxious attachment style and the more I feel someone pulling away the more I cling on to them/the relationship.

Not much help for your situation but just to stay stop beating yourself up about it, it’s not just you. I’ve also avoided relationships for a long time because I don’t handle this bit very well. Don’t lose yourself trying to make him treat you differently xx

Why

He is going to play with you and then go off when he is bored. Its very likely you have picked an avoidance attachment. He will keep triggering you. Pick someone soft who really shows you he cares, this one responded in a very aloof way to you.

I wouldn't tell him the truth at this point.
As PP suggests, say you have a bug tomorrow and will reschedule when you are felwibg better

If he is genuine, he will show care and empathy.

Test him.

OP, I am a firm believer in trusting your gut. If you feel he's being a bit different or off then you are probably right.

You have only recently met so he should still be trying to make a big effort with you.

Like others have said, I'd be a bit cooler with him and I wouldn't have sex with him on Saturday.

Do you really have to ask? Come on OP, work it out

When did you both decide he was going to stay at yours on Saturday? Did you notice his attitude change towards you around the same time? If so, it could be that he knows sex is most likely a sure thing, so, no longer needs to try. I'd be inclined to agree with those advising you to cancel, even if it just gives you the space and time to think about it properly