I've just made myself look so insecure and desperate haven't I?

[arghksk]

Been on 4 dates with a guy I met around 7 weeks ago (dates been slow due to my schedule). Wasn't too fussed on him at first but starting to like him and look forward to hearing from him.

However, I am aware I have an anxious attachment style but recently I have noticed a change in the tone of our texts. He still initiates equally but the texts are short, there is less banter on his side, hardly any questions etc. There's just been a change and I feel I am carrying the conversation even when he texts first.

He has said he isn't chatting or seeing anyone but of course that's really none of my business. I do wonder if he's met someone else but once again not sure if I'm just being paranoid due to my attachment style.

Tonight I sent him this text, 'Is everything okay? I feel like the tone in our messages have changed and I’m just bugging you. Just say if I am x'

He replied, 'nah just watching the football x'

I am cringing now and feel like I've made myself appear so desperate and needy now.

Have I? Is that quite a dismissive text he sent? I really don't know if I can do this. I feel so so so triggered and feel sick to my stomach. Can't eat properly as this knot in my stomach.

Struggle to see the wood from the trees, whether it's my issues or whether something is really wrong.

May I suggest "Why Men Love Bitches"....a total game changer.

Personally prefer it to "The Rules" because TR has a lot of emphasis on looks and appearance where as WMLB is more "I am a fucking PRIZE as I am" and encourages embracing who you are rather than trying to change to "win" a man.

Oh and the reference to "bitches" is more about other womens view of women who hold their standards and their boundaries high, rather than being the "Nice Girl", its not actually insulting.

Honestly my DH works away and rarely got in touch and when he did it was a very simple quick text. Perhaps he is tired or stressed or simply has nothing interesting to say. Men are not always keen on chatting. Dial it back big time. Be nice and warm when he does text but don't initiate. You may be expecting too much. Unless you want casual sex, I wouldn't sleep with him yet.

@PyongyangKipperbang May I suggest "Why Men Love Bitches"....a total game changer.

I agree, it's a great book, it teaches you that men value women that have boundaries and standards, they don't value doormats or women they can walk all over or get away with anything. If you don't respect yourself by having expectations on what you want in a man and a relationship a man will not respect you either and you will loose value in his eyes. Being a nice girl is big mistake.

See I don't agree. The OP should not be this guys priority over anything at all at this stage. He has met her four times! She should be much further down his list of priorities than his friends, his Mum, his work, the football all of which he has loved for many years. Eventually she may become the priority but not for ages realistically. After four dates what can he possibly love about her? He probably doesn't even know her middle name. And if he claims to know, love or be particularly attached to her he's just weird. He certainly doesn't owe her reassurance about his texting behaviour, neither is he avoidant. He only just met her!

@Neverpostagain yes! Absolutely!

I have to say that I agree.

Who needs reassurance after 4 dates? Someone he shouldnt be dating again, thats who!

The football is a bit irrelevant though - if I was in the middle of watching important, I wouldn't even look at a message. But the OP says it's been a pattern of disinterest.

If he’s responding to you and initiating, then he’s interested.

Whether he’s really into you or it’s just a casual thing - only time will tell.

The tone of his text might have changed because he’s busy/got stuff on his mind/ isn’t good at text chat without a huge effort - you don’t know him well enough to know.

If you don’t want a casual thing take it slowly and don’t shag him for a bit.

If you tend to over respond just make a rule you only initiate every other day, and you leave it 2 - 4 hours to reply, but don’t get into major games playing, it serves no one.

I agree with this mostly, BUT if he really liked her he should be excited to get to know her more and be making the effort to, although technically he doesn’t owe her anything and shouldn’t be dropping other priorities (he’s allowed to watch the football and have a life!) but equally, early on when texting/dating, how are you supposed to move forward if you don’t make the effort?

I do think the OP might be overthinking at this stage but if I was getting on really well with someone and there had been a sudden change I reckon most would notice.

I'm going against the grain here, but if I'd only met someone 4 times in 7 weeks as they couldn't make it, I'd be bored and less likely to engage by text.

I would have binned you long ago.

If someone is interested in me they will make time to see me. "Schedules" or not.

And how does it bode well for the future seeing someone every 2 weeks?

He has a job, at least one kid, so presumably an ex he has to schedule stuff with, a life, interests etc.

He can make time but she cant. I have to say that it seems a bit rich that although they have only seen each other 4 times dues to the OP's schedule, she is now being pissy as he seems to have lost interest.

Who the hell can blame him?!

@arghksk Short version is.....if you havent prioritised him why the hell should he prioritise you? The Rules etc, work both ways.

Jesus, you barely know him! You've only been acquainted a few weeks! Why are you so obsessed?

Gee! 6 pages analysing a few texts 😂 wonder if men do it too! Honestly though OP, in the nicest possible way, chill. He’s texting and initiating so he’s clearly interested but continuous texting is exhausting, I don’t even do it with my DH!

Maybe he’s just a crap texter. I always used to worry that a guy would think I’m not interested because I was so bad at texting. And sleep with him if you want! You’re a grown woman, have a bit of fun if you want.

Tbh he just sounds like a typical guy. Very keen when chasing you, then when they think they have you they don't feel like they need to put in as much effort any more.

See to be honest, probably going to get slated for this. I guess from our chats/texts it was kind of assumed we were going to have sex on Saturday. So funnily enough I started my period last night.

I text him to let him know this morning and he just responded 'aw lol'. I said do you still want to come down? And no reply. I think that says it all.

That's great though - you can cancel and then throw him back. You deserve better. If he's stopped asking about you and making an effort before you've even slept together it's not a good sign.

I'm so sorry though. Stuff like this feels brutal.

Honestly op I was in your exact position 12 months ago. I was constantly waiting for his next message, he would text back but sometimes after a long time, didn't seem that fussed about chatting etc. but when we'd meet in person it was brilliant! I did bring it up with him a couple of times and he said he did really like me it was just how he was. I knew I liked him more in the beginning and I always fall hard for people and have major attachment issues. Now 12 months later we are both on the same page and I now know he feels the same about me, texting isn't the same as being with someone in person. years ago people didn't text constantly and be in contact all day every day, I think it's just the expectation and the fact people are glued to their phones these days that's completely changed dating/relationships/communication. Try to just take it easy and go with the flow, I know it's hard but you're so early into things with this guy that he's probably just not fallen for you enough to want to spend all his effort messaging. However I'd be very wary about his last message, if he's only seeing you for sex on the weekend then I'd ditch and move on.

Give him time to reply OP! It’s 7.30 in the morning! If he’s got his kid he might be trying to get out the door on time. Also sympathies about your period. Also started mine last night 😂

@FrogSplash thanks, I feel shite. Taking a break for a good while

I know but he's active on Facebook

Firstly: YOU ARE NORMAL! I hated reading you berate yourself for having very normal anxious thoughts when starting a new fling/relationship. I remember me and friends tying ourselves in knots trying to figure it all out. There are lots of insecurely attached folk out there. Your date is likely one of them.

When I met DH there is no way the texts would have been short and curt in the first few weeks and he’d have been falling over himself to reassure me that I wasn’t bugging him. Looking back I did a lot of seeking reassurance, just like you are now. I don’t think it was healthy. I wish I’d worked on myself more at that time but hind sight is 20/20.

He might not be that into you. But if he’s not. That’s ok. Getting ghosted is just other people avoiding uncomfortable conversations and anyone that weak is not a decent life partner in my view. In a life partner you want someone who can communicate about difficult stuff. So if he does decide you are not the one for him, that’s ok, that’s all it means. It says NOTHING about you other than this fit is wrong. That’s what you need to work on. Knowing your worth and that you are wonderfully you and discover what that wonderful is and know it.

Don’t rely on others to give you validation. This is what I wish I’d know all those years ago when I wasted so much time trying to figure out what was in a man’s head. You can’t know unless they tell you. So find one that can. It could be this guy is still into you but his communication style doesn’t fit your attachment style so that’s not a great start.

You need to keep yourself busy and stop waiting for his msgs. You shouldn't have said do you still want to come over just because of your period. You need to stop putting the ball in his court, he probably didnt know what to say about your period like really how is a guy meant to respond to that info. Chill out and if it is meant to be it will be, dont play games with your msgs either just go about your day and be normal dont over analyse

OP why you told him that you got your period and ask him if he wants to meet anyway?
In my opinion that is massively over sharing. You are giving him far too much detail.

I think his answer speaks volumes. If he was bang into you his response would have been oh my god no way I love speaking to you kind of thing.....I wouldn't let him stay at yours this weekend. Just go on a date instead and see how it goes.