I've just made myself look so insecure and desperate haven't I?

[arghksk]

Been on 4 dates with a guy I met around 7 weeks ago (dates been slow due to my schedule). Wasn't too fussed on him at first but starting to like him and look forward to hearing from him.

However, I am aware I have an anxious attachment style but recently I have noticed a change in the tone of our texts. He still initiates equally but the texts are short, there is less banter on his side, hardly any questions etc. There's just been a change and I feel I am carrying the conversation even when he texts first.

He has said he isn't chatting or seeing anyone but of course that's really none of my business. I do wonder if he's met someone else but once again not sure if I'm just being paranoid due to my attachment style.

Tonight I sent him this text, 'Is everything okay? I feel like the tone in our messages have changed and I’m just bugging you. Just say if I am x'

He replied, 'nah just watching the football x'

I am cringing now and feel like I've made myself appear so desperate and needy now.

Have I? Is that quite a dismissive text he sent? I really don't know if I can do this. I feel so so so triggered and feel sick to my stomach. Can't eat properly as this knot in my stomach.

Struggle to see the wood from the trees, whether it's my issues or whether something is really wrong.

A little yes. He probs thinks I'm crazy

He's on a sure thing. In his head, he's going to get laid at the weekend OP.

Tbh, if you're like this after 4 dates and not sure then I'd probably ditch the overnight idea for now.

Ignore him, get busy, concentrate on yourself. I've had needy men do this, itsso unattractive and gives you the ick

If this is him acting keen, then god help you. He couldn't make less effort if he tried.

I wouldn't have him stay at your house on Saturday. I wouldn't want to sleep with him and I wouldn't want to be on my own with him in my house when I told him that.

I think four dates is quite soon to stay over to be honest however if you do sleep with him and he goes cold, you’ll know his intentions weren’t the same as yours. What have your other dates been? Careful not to fall into the trap of just letting him stay round your house instead of him making an effort to date you.

Read ‘The Rules’, follow it like boot camp. It will work for you.

Just offering another opinion but - if he was slightly less into you at the moment than you are him, would that necessarily be a deal breaker? I was less into things with my DP than he was at the beginning, but I’m glad he didn’t just give up immediately! It sounds like really early days.

Don't text him back tonight and wait until he gets in touch. Don't bring it up again with for now while you're just getting to know each other. It's only been four dates. I think just try to chill a wee bit.

Most probably from the wording: he won't even have read anything into your text, will have answered it as a straightforward question with a straightforward answer and will have gone back to enjoying the football.

You should just treat it that way yourself and carry on without being self conscious about it. It will only seem a bit overly negative if you're weird afterwards and he looks back at it.

Based on this exchange you're probably over-thinking everything else as well. Relax and enjoy his company while he's around. Don't sweat the small stuff.

So what if he does? Being normal is overrated LOL
I don’t think what you said is even bad, especially as you left it there after he replied. Not like you said more of the same stuff. The message you sent may not have put your mind at rest about what’s going on between the two of you, but it’s not crazy or needy or anything either.

This is why I am struggling to tell whether he Ja interested in me or not or whether it's just him. He is very straightforward. Doesn't seem to play games so don't want to ruin something because of my unfounded worries.

Huh? He sounds potentially a bit boring (but hard to tell from little info) but not at all needy!

@Ladybughello I think she's calling me needy lol

I think she means that she’s had men acting how the Op is acting now…

If it’s making you feel stressed/anxious is he worth the bother. Like you said it’s early days, this should be the fun bit. You also said his texts were getting a bit boring, which doesn’t suggest he’s worth this level of analysis or stress!
Im not saying don’t date but if you feel anxious and struggle with it then maybe work on getting yourself into a good place.
there will always be men out there!

Is that your opinion going from the reply he wrote?

Get yourself a little tummy bug for Saturday and cancel. See how that flies with him. Give yourself a chance to think and regroup.

Ultimately I don’t think this was a bad text at
all. It’s always good to be honest and communicate in a relationship. That said you have to be careful that your attachment style isn’t leaving you in a position where you’re hyper sensitive and reading in to everything, analysing everything etc, and then seek for your partner to regulate and soothe you on a regular basis. Have you ever done any cbt? I think you would really benefit from it as it might help you to self soothe. Once you’ve mastered that skill it’s much easier to be relaxed when dating because you know you don’t depend on anyone else but yourself for emotional stability and safety.

I could do with a bit of boring to level me out to be honest 🤣 I'm just attracted to him, he has a good job, owns his home, he does make me laugh on dates. I'm just terrified of being ghosted.

I think the problem is most women won’t sleep with a needy bloke, but I bet most men would still sleep with a needy woman especially if they knew they were staying with them at the weekend. They’d just not make any effort afterwards. I would seriously be thinking of suggesting a different date idea.

When in doubt, just back off. If he's interested, he'll start coming towards you again, if not, then you know where you stand.
Really, never be needy. It's so off putting. Even in friendships, let alone potential relationships.

It's true about working in yourself. Not only does it build your own self esteem and self worth, it makes you more attractive.

I wouldn't let him stay in my house if I felt like this about him. I'd text tomorrow and say 'Really looking forward to seeing you on Saturday but I'm not comfortable about you staying over so I'll be saying goodnight and going home alone. It's just too early for me after 4 dates. '

If he doesn't like it, he doesn't like it and you know.

That's exactly what I do! I have done it in many relationships. My mood depends on their mood that day and it's awful. Hence why I've been single for so many years out of choice. But I met this guy and really like him and I can't tell whether my gut is right or it's my crazy attachment style? Im now totally calm and rational now that he's given me that TINY bit of reassurance whereas I was on the verge of a panic when I felt he was being off.

I need therapy, yea.

Stop thinking about what he's thinking! Stop second-guessing him (it's futile) and concentrate on what YOU want.

If you're finding the messages a bit boring now - instead of thinking "is he losing interest", you should be thinking "I am losing interest - he needs to up his game to get it back".

Switch your mindset from "does he like me?" to "do I like him?"

If his chat is getting worse, joke about it in person. Rib him about how his earlier messages were better. That's not needy - it's telling him what he needs to do to keep you.

Sex? Again it doesn't matter what he thinks or what he expects. If you want to shag him because you think it'll be fun, do so. If you don't want to or don't think it'll be fun, don't. No overthinking required.

Dating is about finding someone compatible, not contorting yourself into all sorts of shapes to become "compatible".

Ah! 😂 Sorry I misunderstood. I don’t think your message sounds needy though, but I guess from this thread we can see you’re a bit insecure. But aren’t we all?!