AIBU to ask if what I said was horribly offensive?

[Plantain1234]

Me and DD went for breakfast at a restaurant over the weekend. After I ordered Plantain to go with my breakfast, DD told me that her friend (who is mixed heritage) also loves plantain. For a bit of background, DD's friend's Mum was born in the UK to parents who came from the Caribbean in the 1950s.

I asked DD if her friend's liking of plantain came from his Mum's family. I was just meaning that as Plantain is so widely eaten in the Caribbean, that they might have had family recipes passed down through the generations. I feel that plantain is not widely eaten in UK and is not appreciated as much as it could be.

DD looked horrified when I asked the question about whether her friend's liking of plantain came from his Mum. Is what I said racist? I wasn't thinking it was when I said it, but would be grateful for opinions, so I can avoid being unintentionally offensive in future.

God imagine having to walk on eggshells around your child like this! Get a grip!

DD definitely wasn't winding me up. Her mortification at my question was entirely real. I was just genuinely interested in the fact that her friend likes plantain as so few people have tried it. DD and her friend have both grown up in rural Shropshire, so plantain not widely on offer here. The plantain I ate was at a cafe in Camden last weekend (DD now at uni in London) . I think that because in my mind, food types from different cultures are exciting and to be explored, I hadn't thought of my question as seeming as if I was stereotyping her friend.

How old is your daughter? Hell her to "think" for herlsef by,asking,her, not,us, questions about her response. You,seem to have been sent I to place of anxiety when źyljr question is just of curiosity. As an adult, supporting your dc to try to articulate what is in their head can help them, and you. Sorry if already been said I haven't read all responses. Of course, age appropriate conversation. And if she is stoppy teenager, she will just need to think you know nothing and understand nothing. The joy.
But most of all, dont imagine your dc know more than anyone else, and be constantly vigilant for your errors. Talking to them, and asking them, will help you both im sure. And be interesting. Enjoy.

My Pakistani neighbours cooking sends me crazy-I’ve had to stop complimenting her as she sends food round and now I feel cheeky like I’m begging! It’s killing me!!

Keep being cheeky!!!! They love it, feeding people is part of their culture and it makes them happy! And they always make too much 🤣🤣

Yeah, makes me happy too!!

She's 20 and in the second year of uni!

I think young people sometimes have a conceptual understanding of racism without necessarily having the contextual awareness to understand whether it is relevant in a particular scenario.

You were fine.

It's not offensive, but I feel for your daughter: young white people are taught that they're irredeemably evil, and the goalposts for what is considered racist or cultural appropriation shift endlessly. They become paranoid about appearing racist and are on guard at all times to avoid being attacked or cancelled. It is second nature to behave like this, even though just you and her together were not at risk of being cancelled.

You might like to have a word with your daughter about being offended on behalf of other people - if you frame it as centering her white voice in other people's concerns, she might understand that she should calm down.

when an old person mentions someone is "coloured" because that's what the term was and they didn't know any better

That's because the 'acceptable' terms will have changed so often during the 'old person's' lifetime, nothing to do with not knowing any better. Are ageist terms like 'old people' allowed by the way? Can I be offended on their behalf?

Whereas everything you said was laughably sad. Have you got lost and wandered here by mistake? The Daily Mail's comment section for the slightly thick and easily manipulated are over that way.

This, this is an example of the kind of thing I meant when I talked about being sent the lists of microaggressions.

For those who consider this relevant, I am mixed race and so to my colleague, according to her "glossaries", I and other non-white people must be referred to as a "person of colour, POC". Not "BAME" because, I am told, that was considered too non-specific and grouped too many ethnicities together so got dropped out of parlance. (Are you keeping up? Enjoying the watertight logic?)

Don't get me started on "person of colour", I hate that phrase, it's referring directly to my skin tone as if that's the most relevant thing about my race. The 3-letter acronym always confuses me as I see it as "piece of crap" just as POS is piece of shit.

I would much rather be stereotyped for loving rice (my home country's preferred food, so analogous to the plantain in the op) than labelled as being brown or whatever "colour". People where I'm from DO love rice. Rice is great. We even have a generic word for a-dish-that-goes-with-rice, because we eat rice at every meal.

Op, if you asked me "do you love rice because of where you and your mum are from?" I'd answer with a loud yes and proceed to list the health benefits and favourite methods of cooking.

So, get offended at that if you like. I'm sure I'll get all the offended quote-posts because this isn't how a "POC" is supposed to think. Edit - I'm not addressing @JudgeJ here! More the sanctimonious pp who suggested I ought to quit teaching because I don't deeply appreciate being forced to play this silly game at work [eyeroll]

its not racist but asking if someone has inherited a liking for plantain is bit weird?

Of course it's difficult, when you've been calling someone 'he' for 16 years, to remember to say 'she'! I don't remotely have dementia, but when we speak we don't think about every word, and our subconscious brain uses learnt patterns. It takes a lot of undoing if you've known someone well for double figures of years, and that's when you're 100% approve of them and their new identity. I still slip up occasionally. Fortunately she's kind enough to understand that it's not deliberate.

I wasn't suggesting liking plantain was hereditary. I was thinking that family recipes might have been passed down through the generations as DD's friend has grandparents who originated from the Carribean where plantain is widely eaten

lol family recipes, it is a savoury banana from the global south, everyone eats it, its not very special.

its like asking about special family recipes for potato if someone is Irish, just a bit tone deaf. if i was asked if i had special family recipes or had inherited a taste for plantain from my black mum id just 🤨 and probably take this piss in my friendly group chat.

it just gives never met a black person before so says stuff that makes no sense

oh good god its exhausting isn't it? According to my dc I am not allowed to say "curry" as in "I am cooking curry tonight". As it is racist.😐

Ridiculous but my 14-yr-old would have the same reaction.

ODFOD

Lefty curriculum my arse!

I am left wing. I don’t take offence at everything. I try to avoid offending others. There’s a difference, but you have to have a bit of intelligence to realise that.

Wow.

Not racist at all.

I disagree with the “leftie schools are teaching them to be offended…” Not my experience at all of having a teen at secondary school.

Teenagers just like to judge their parents and to declare them in the wrong - they always have!

Typical self-righteous, arrogant lefty behaviour to assume you're more intelligent than people who disagree with you.

One day we won’t be able to have conversations with eachother at the risk of offending one another.

No that isn’t a racist comment.

I’ve grown up with plantain and if someone asked me that I would assume you were asking if my taste was influenced by my mother - many of our tastes come from what we grew up around.

Why is it 'terrifying'? Unless you have a tendency for saying offensive things.

I think the next generation will be more considerate and mindful to others and think before they speak, something previous generations could learn from.

I agree this is not offensive but the OPs daughter is likely young and still learning. It's good that she cares enough to think about what is said and it's potential impact on others.

It does seem like everyone is so full of emotions. The youngsters are 'offended' by so much and the oldies are 'terrified' of the left, wokness, etc. Everyone should just calm down.