AIBU to ask if what I said was horribly offensive?

[Plantain1234]

Me and DD went for breakfast at a restaurant over the weekend. After I ordered Plantain to go with my breakfast, DD told me that her friend (who is mixed heritage) also loves plantain. For a bit of background, DD's friend's Mum was born in the UK to parents who came from the Caribbean in the 1950s.

I asked DD if her friend's liking of plantain came from his Mum's family. I was just meaning that as Plantain is so widely eaten in the Caribbean, that they might have had family recipes passed down through the generations. I feel that plantain is not widely eaten in UK and is not appreciated as much as it could be.

DD looked horrified when I asked the question about whether her friend's liking of plantain came from his Mum. Is what I said racist? I wasn't thinking it was when I said it, but would be grateful for opinions, so I can avoid being unintentionally offensive in future.

It’s delicious. Quite sweet and best eaten fried (some heathens will say you can boil it). Texture is soft. If you haven’t seen one uncooked, it resembles a large banana.

Every child of West Indian parents will have grown up eating this regularly, usually with Sunday dinner. It was a staple in our house and my DC love it now. They obviously didn’t develop that preference from their dad who is Southern European.

OP - just smile and nod at your child😭

It must be so tiring being so easily offended on behalf of others all the time... she needs to grow a backbone.

Perfectly put @jm9138
We probably all thought we had all the answers when we were 20!
Now I'm nearly 60 I cringe at some of the shit I said.

Exactly!

As well as the "but where are you really from" comments, it's a bit like being asked "do you think you like plantain because your grandparents probably ate it 70 years ago".

I like your DD! I try not to be perma offended but I really get her thinking in this one. I realise the friend wasn't there, but if you said it to me I'd be groaning inwardly.

Sounds like you don’t h have a great relationship with you’re daughter or else you could have discussed it. Perhaps work on that?

I am now craving a plantain fritter.

I didn’t know what plantain was until my husband (from West Africa) introduced me to it. And my MIL taught me how to cook it properly.

He would not be offended and would actually enjoy talking about his favourite recipes with plantain. I’m not saying your DD is one but he also doesn’t appreciate white saviours who are offended on his behalf.

I think your DDs comments come from a well intentioned place and her sensitivity is down to the excellent upbringing you have provided,

The issue of respecting and celebrating differences between people based on race, gender or sexuality is the next step.

This is not easy for adults. Less so for kids and even harder for parents. Good luck!

No offence, OP, but your daughter was being idiotic. I love plantain. Would she accuse me of cultural appropriation given I'm not West Indian?

Well, the OP wasn't brought up eating plantains, and she still likes them right? How do you know this boy didn't have his first when he was 18? You can't just assume because his mum is from Caribbean it means he was raised in the UK eating plantains.

I think your DD was likely winding you up as clearly not offensive in any way. I love plantain and more people should try it!

The younger folks are definitely easily offended and we have a 17yr old (my DSD) who is quick to point out any of our so called of touch view points.

Ironically she will often refer to people as ‘Karen’s’ which I find quite offensive (but say nothing).

@Ladybughello

didn’t say I was “offended”. But it’s difficult to understand how you would “struggle” to remember someone’s pronouns, unless you have dementia. Sound more likely to be purposeful fingers in ears

Ok, as this is about my comment. I'm 54 years old. I've seen some stuff in my life. I'm not phobic or racist or anything of the sort BUT when "Bob" you've know for 40 years suddenly announces that he's now "Bernadette" and starts wearing dresses and make up, with no prior warning or indication, it is VERY difficult to suddenly start referring to them as "she". It is indeed a struggle. I don't have dementia, I do have an autistic 12 year old though. He also struggled with calling "Bob" Bernadette. Because Bob is all he's known. It's not "fingers in your ears", it's human error and getting used to a new normal. And we will get used to that new normal but forgive me if I make a mistake after so many years. Your being offended at that is ludicrous.

Quite!

I definitely like potatoes because I’m Irish 😂

and no I don’t consider that assumption that racist

but note DD was the one who said her friend liked plantain, her mother didn’t assume he would a priori. Why he likes it is irrelevant but not racist

You can't make people call you what you want them to call you.

I doubt this is what the original poster of the comment intended, but even if it were, you don't have to call any one anything you don't want to. That's coercion.

Surely that’s also an assumption, we don’t know if OP was or was not brought up eating plantain also 🤷🏻‍♀️

You're right in that why he likes it is irrelevant. Which is why the OP assuming it is because his mum is from the Caribbean is stupid and stereotyping.

It's not racist though. It's a genuine question.

I like plantain but I only discovered I liked it when I went on holiday to the Caribbean. I'd never eaten it in England. So knowing it's a food associated with the Caribbean it would be a perfectly reasonable question to ask.

Try the counter trigger.

You said something harmless genuinely I don't think I know many adults from any cultures old enough to have 'older' kids that would get offended at culture related food questions. We just built different 😁 HOWEVER these young people's reactions may actually be what would make someone feel uncomfortable because then it's just weird. Secondary School age children have a VERY warped sense of what racism is and some children actually use it to their severe advantage and manipulation.

No, I definitely wasn't brought up eating plantain. I have lived in culturally diverse areas as an adult, which is where I have discovered it and found it to be truly delicious!

My youngest dd is like this offended for everyone. She was so offended when I said her late gran (dh mum) wasn't very good at making mince and tatties because her mum was English! Apparently that was racist, it was her gran that told me that years ago it just wasn't something her mum made as she didn't grow up with it!

I don't think it's political but schools are very careful to teach children what is not acceptable - and young kids don't always understand the finer nuances (and neither do adults always, tbh). But I think they mean well.

My DTs (15) can sometimes jump to similar assumptions to OPs DD - they are just trying hard to be correct and sometimes go too far the other way. I have had several conversations with DS (who does have ASD so is more black and white than some) - that it is not always wrong to say that someone is black, or gay etc. We can acknowledge facts if not being offensive or making assumptions - but he struggles with that. A more lateral comment such as OPs would probably go unchallenged as he wouldn't make the connection - but DD might have said the same.

They are all learning - and they are trying to get it right.....

Just talked to DH about this, after previously commenting. He reminded me my daughter loves fish and chips and that my in-laws say it came from me and not her West African father.

Your daughter will look back on it one day and cringe probably. There are plenty of books out there if she wants to educate herself on the five line between being an ally but not being offended on behalf of others. My husband said that is often what he finds most offensive of all, as if he can’t speak up for himself.

wnen I asked my daughter where the ‘vinegar’ was in the cupboard was? I got told at school you can’t say that because people think you’re saying the vile, racist n word - I would never ever say. I had to explain that I was not been a racist nor did I know another way to ask for vinegar. Apparently you can’t say the word vinegar anymore