To ask DH not to go for promotion?

[NCforthis235]

Sorry for long thread but there is context and don't want to drip feed.

DH is a teacher and has recently had a "tap" to apply for HOD job at his school for next September.

I am the breadwinner (earning c.5x DH's salary) but there are elements of his job which contribute massively in financial and non-financial ways (huge discount on school fees, DH does all childcare during school holidays).

I am pregnant with DC3, due in the spring and have made big sacrifices for him to pursue his teaching career. I went back to work after 3 months with DC1, and 6 weeks after DC2 because he was doing a degree and teacher training so I needed to earn. I have stayed in my current job longer than I would otherwise have done because the flexibility is amazing, but I have to do a night away a week from the kids and a long commute either end. Whenever the kids are sick during term time, it is me who juggles as his job is less flexible.

We are finally settling into a routine but I am stretched/often struggling. I do school drop off and pick up 2x a week on my WFH days (plus on my day off - I work 80%), spend a couple of hours with the kids then finish my work day once DH is home from school. It's working, but it's not easy.

The HOD job would involve him moving from 80% to full time as well as significantly more admin to do before/after school. Which ultimately would involve us needing a nanny for an extra day (which would more than eat up the pay bump for him) and add significantly more strain on me when I already feel like I'm just getting by.

He also wouldn't be able to take shared parental leave as we had planned for Christmas term next year. I've said I think we should just focus on stability during the early years and spending as much time with the kids as possible, and that the HOD is likely to come up again at some point. Once new baby is at pre-school, I am likely to want to look at different job options which would be made a lot easier if DH just stayed where he was for a few years. He's saying that we both worked hard and sacrificed a lot for his career and that he now wants to climb the ladder and start taking some of the financial load off of me. AIBU?

It's hard. DH is HOD and is today interviewing for assistant head. I'm not thrilled about it because during term time all child admin / organisation / ferrying around falls to me. I am the higher earner but have a flexible role. If he gets this one it's going to be even more on me but the pay off is the holiday childcare.

@idontlikealdi sounds like a very similar situation. I do worry that its not "just" HOD - it's very clear that he wants to climb further (which I'd love to fully support) but financially he will never earn enough in education to allow me to take a step properly back from work.

In no way do I mean this to be anything other than a genuine question - what did you discuss when planning a third child? Is he now going back on any of this? In which case you're perfectly in the right to ask him to wait, you're the one literally carrying the burden of being pregnant.

Snap!

Why oh why would you have a third child if you're both career orientated? DH and I are in a similar position in that his much less flexible job earns less than mine, but it's important to him, so we ensured we had a family size we could manage our careers with. Who pushed for the 3rd?

The problem is it isn't taking the financial burden because you're going to need a nanny. So it's actually going to cost money and it's just not the right time.

@EraseThis the plan we talked about was that he would take a turn being "stable" for a few years to allow me to refocus on my career, which has taken the back seat for about 5 years now. But he didn't expect the HOD job to come up as they had a new one this year, who clearly isn't working out.

I am doing fine "cruising" slightly in my job - employer is happy and I love being able to get to all the sports days/nativities etc and see a lot of the kids during the week, but I don't feel massively happy at the prospect of doing it another 5 years.

I am in a more similar position to your DH's and I have pretty much always refused the offered promotions.
Until now when dc are teens, but even now it is very hard as everyone expects me to be around and pick up the slack.
It may seem an endless future now but it isn't. Before too long your dc will be getting ready to leave home.
I would be inclined to hire a nanny and let both parents move their careers forward. Otherwise it is easy to get resentment creeping in.

I'm going to say YABU because if the person who had previously held their career back for domestic reasons now wanted to go for promotion was female, they'd be told to go for it and the male partner must accept this.

The family needs to get a nanny, which you should both pay for and if you earn 5x a teacher's salary, you can easily afford this.

@klajs DH would have happily stuck with 2 DCs, so I guess it's my hand to hold up there. But with the status quo, the addition of another child to the mix works fine. We have a nanny a couple of days a week, each have a day off and have family help on the final day for the baby (older kids are in pre-school/school). It's the switch to full time plus the later finishes which would make life harder (for me!)

I think 2x working parents + 3 DC = hard work, whichever way you cut it. So, in for a penny, in for a pound.

It's sounding like you feel you have a delicate balance right now, if everything stays the same. After your third is born, the shit will hit the fan in a way that balance, delicate or otherwise, won't be on the cards for a while.

I say you should both go for it. It works for the family for him to stay in this job for the school fee discount: he may as well climb the ladder. You're earning 5x his salary, working 80%, you should continue working if that's what you want. Hire the nanny, even if it's a bit tight financially, and push through the next three years. Take this full maternity leave. Make sure that HE does all the organisation of help (hiring, managing) seeing as HE is the one who's wanting to make the change.

I'd really rather be tight financially than tight with career prospects or a healthy relationship. Money comes and goes, the rest come rarely.

@NCforthis235 then no you really can't expect him to turn down the promotion. Tbh even without being HOD, a teacher is still a busy, quite inflexible career and I'm really quite surprised you've taken the decision to have 3 children, I think your expectations are too high and you've put too much on your plate.

@BarbaraofSeville I think my point is that he hasn't held his career back. I've been the one making the sacrifices to allow him to retrain and start the new career. Now I feel it's my turn (once I've popped the final baby out!).

@NCforthis235 but why should it be his turn when you're the one that has pushed to make the family bigger and set yourselves back a few years? Managing 3 children is very different to 2 when it comes to work, had you have stuck to 2 you wouldn't be needing to ask him to hold back.

This is what I was going to say.

I think you should support your husband and find other solutions to childcare and life pressures. This could lead to resentment further down the line especially as you were the driving force for a 3rd child. You want a family and a career, it's not unreasonable for your DH to also want that.

@klajs it would still have been tough to have him working much longer hours with the 2 that we have, but I do take the point that after my mat leave the juggle is going to be even tougher for a while.

@Raincloudsonasunnyday thank you, this is really helpful and balanced advice.

If you're the one who pushed for the third dc, I don't think it's fair to hold back his career progression. Why didn't you just stick at two children so that you could both progress?

I'm of the opinion that three young children and two career-orientated parents was always going to be chaotic.

But as you admit you were the driver behind having a third, I think it's only fair that you now support him in progressing in his career if that's what he wants.

I don’t understand why he can’t take SPL if he takes the promotion? Or why you had such short maternity leave?

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves I'd feel the same about HOD at this point whether or not we were having 3rd DC

Why can't he take SPL? I'm a HOD and currently doing SPL.

@LunaBear26 @greencheetah school has said they couldn't facilitate the new HOD being off for their first term in the job.

If you have 6 x teacher's salary coming in, I would suggest getting a full time nanny-housekeeper. In my experience and that of my colleagues, finishing off the working day once the kids are in bed is a killer (esp if you also have a long commute some days), and probably not sustainable with 3DC, one a baby. Let DH go for it, but also do everything you can to make life easier for yourself.

I'll add I do know families with several small dc and both parents career focused. To make it work they all have nannies often live in.
With the right support it is doable.