To ask DH not to go for promotion?

[NCforthis235]

Sorry for long thread but there is context and don't want to drip feed.

DH is a teacher and has recently had a "tap" to apply for HOD job at his school for next September.

I am the breadwinner (earning c.5x DH's salary) but there are elements of his job which contribute massively in financial and non-financial ways (huge discount on school fees, DH does all childcare during school holidays).

I am pregnant with DC3, due in the spring and have made big sacrifices for him to pursue his teaching career. I went back to work after 3 months with DC1, and 6 weeks after DC2 because he was doing a degree and teacher training so I needed to earn. I have stayed in my current job longer than I would otherwise have done because the flexibility is amazing, but I have to do a night away a week from the kids and a long commute either end. Whenever the kids are sick during term time, it is me who juggles as his job is less flexible.

We are finally settling into a routine but I am stretched/often struggling. I do school drop off and pick up 2x a week on my WFH days (plus on my day off - I work 80%), spend a couple of hours with the kids then finish my work day once DH is home from school. It's working, but it's not easy.

The HOD job would involve him moving from 80% to full time as well as significantly more admin to do before/after school. Which ultimately would involve us needing a nanny for an extra day (which would more than eat up the pay bump for him) and add significantly more strain on me when I already feel like I'm just getting by.

He also wouldn't be able to take shared parental leave as we had planned for Christmas term next year. I've said I think we should just focus on stability during the early years and spending as much time with the kids as possible, and that the HOD is likely to come up again at some point. Once new baby is at pre-school, I am likely to want to look at different job options which would be made a lot easier if DH just stayed where he was for a few years. He's saying that we both worked hard and sacrificed a lot for his career and that he now wants to climb the ladder and start taking some of the financial load off of me. AIBU?

Thank you for all of the input. To clear a few things up:

DH would have been happy to stick at 2 DC but is delighted we are having a third. There was no "pushing" or pressure applied. Part of the conversation was around the additional load, particularly short term, and he was the first to offer up that it was his turn to maintain some job stability for the next 5ish years after I have spent 5 years supporting his career change whilst starting our family. The desire to climb the ladder (right now) is not what we had previously discussed.

People are saying I'm selfish, and maybe I am. We have a nice balance where we both get to spend quality time with the kids whilst working in jobs that we enjoy. We are stretched but it is manageable.

We can't afford to have a full time nanny / night nanny etc. I am a high earner, but we have a big mortgage, we support both sets of parents and we have school fees (heavily discounted but still a chunk). I could go back to full time and swap the uplift for a nanny, but I don't want to. I put more value on my time with the kids than being full time - in my field there are plenty of progression opportunities on a 4 day week.

So if you were the Dh it would count for NOTHING the sacrifices she’s made to get his career to where it is now? If he takes the promotion will this sacrifice too count for nothing as soon as it’s over? Should she never except support? Or only if he is kicking his heels or it’s something he personally feels like doing anyway? This is such low standards. I think women are deserving of respect and sacrifices made for your spouse should be counted and appreciated, and decent people understand they can’t ask and ask and ask.
The oP has updated saying he’s perfectly happy about third child too.

Get a nanny , housekeeper etc
If you earning wrll you outsource
No reason for him not to take the job
You both benefit later increased pension

You have 6x a teachers salary as joint income? So £200K?
You will muddle through somehow.

I think both of you on a 4 day week is great for the kids, and for you too.

I think he should defer looking for promotion until your kids are older - more work for him is less time with his family, and more work for you to compensate for his absence.

YANBU, he said he'd take a stable career, so he'll have to wait a couple of years. But it's worth him trying to negotiate with the school, they clearly rate him so there might be some compromise available.

If he is working more can you not afford to increase the hours of your nanny? It would mean in the next few years that he might not be bringing in more disposable income but it should be doable?
It sounds as though you are more inclined to make sacrifices to spend time with your family currently than your DH is. He seems to want to lean into a work opportunity a little more.
It isn't really a right or wrong thing, just different priorities.
You can't make your priorities someone else's.

YABU. If the positions were reversed I think the vote on here would be more like 90/10. You do have a point on the parental leave though - there's no reason why he shouldn't still be entitled to that. If they want him to be HOD and sign up for an extra day a week, then he should be able to negotiate to still take that parental leave to help with the newborn. That should be a deal-breaker.

This! You're literally in the top 3% or so of earners. Suck it up and pay for the extra childcare if necessary. You've chosen to have a third child when you both want to focus on your careers. Unfortunately, despite what people tell you, you can't have it all. People on far smaller salaries in similar situations just get on with it and make the necessary sacrifices for x number of years. I have very little sympathy with this whole situation.

He has a right to advance his career too. As someone who always had to make work choices around my DH's career and will never catch up, I'd say his opportunities are just as important as yours. You may have to make some compromises to your own work schedule/hours/progression, but why should it all be on him? He may not be able to catch up later.

If your mortgage is so big that you can't afford help on your salary (5x teacher's salary did you say?) then maybe you can look at a house that will give you a more modest mortgage.

I agree with this

oh the OP is one of those posters that has started a thread and all she wanted is for people to say

yes your husband is being unfair and he should say no to this opportunity

so all she does to every suggestion is

no
no
no

and the final “no” that she can’t afford an nanny when her salary is likely to be circa £180k and DH salary £30k and heavily discounted fees (on pre school and pre prep so much cheaper anyway) is just laughable.

there is NO POINT posting on this thread. The OP just wants us to say that her husband should decline this opp. whereas the majority of us think he should grab with. oth hands and you should be supportive (and actually appreciate that you work 4 days a week and that is rather nice!).

Have you spelled it out to him like this OP? Does he recognise the sacrifices you've made for him and his career or not?

Where are you getting this from? OP has been making the compromises up to now. She stayed in her current job for the last 5 years to allow her DH to study and follow the career he wanted.

Before the HOD role came up he agreed it was his turn to stay in a stable job so she could focus on hers. Now he has an opportunity for promotion he is going back on his word.

I’m sorry, but between you you are bringing in 300k a year. You can clearly afford a nanny for one more day a week. Neither you or your husband needs to take a step back , neither of you need to feel resentful. You can easily do this. I strongly advise you not to try to stop his career when you don’t need to, the resentment will be huge.

I think you're getting a really really hard time. I wouldn't be happy with my partner taking a promotion in these circumstances. You've carried the majority of the financial load, made sacrifices, and agreed together that he will be taking shared parental leave and you will BOTH be working four days a week to facilitate family life. This was agreed before getting pregnant with the third. He is now backtracking on all of this. And realistically the uplift in his salary won't make any difference as it'll be eaten up in additional childcare, but you will all be more stretched as a result.

I'm due shortly with my second. We, like you, planned out what shared parental leave each would take and what our job situation would look like for the next 2-3 years. I don't think either of us would be impressed if the other went back in on it last minute. It's about the family unit and stability right now and there are years ahead when we can push for more promotions. We also have a similar salary and will be struggling to pay for mortgage, bills, childcare etc with how much everything has gone up. We don't have a cleaner or housekeeper etc either

If you both earn well, then outsource stuff. There is very little that money can’t buy, leaving you to spend all your time on kids and work.

This is not an either/or situation.

This was my thinking! It makes you wonder how those of us who don't earn a million pounds over 5 years, working 4 days a week, and have a nanny plus guaranteed free childcare in all school holidays cope 🤔

I’m with your husband. I wouldn’t soft peddle on my career either, especially as it wasn’t my idea to have a third. There’s more to life than just kids.

i think YABVU - when you are financially stretched due to huge mortgage and school fees - to have the 3rd child and your only plan for managing the extra burden was for your husband to stay where he is in his career.

So make your sacrifices - on such high earnings you will have huge outgoings and could easily economise to afford some nanny time. But if you want to sacrifice your husbands career…..well i do think that’s pretty disgusting.

Also he is BU if he is too timid to ask for SPL and 80% in his higher graded role. Even if he is turned down he could at least get a compromise ie 90% and a more flexible arrangement over summer hols.

Exactly. It's laughable, it really is. How the other half live 🤣

Many of us just have to get on with our situation and suck it up. On a fraction of family income.

But she has prioritised his career every time so far? So if you really think his opportunities are ‘just as’ important as hers, how is it not her time several times over? What you seem to mean is that the op should AGAIN prioritise her dps career over her career and their family, even when it means going back on his word to commit to his family, because his opportunites are far more important than hers.

I'm really struggling to understand why you'd have a third child given the circumstances you are in? You are both clearly intelligent, organised people to succeed in your careers the way you have. So, I'm genuinely interested to hear your thought process on this one?

It's called having your cake and eating it. Lots attempt it, few can achieve it.

What a nasty way to think.

Are people on high incomes not allowed to have problems or ask for advice?

Op has already said they have a mortgage, school fees and support family members. They have commitments to go with their income.

The DH agreed to stay stable to facilitate her career because it was his turn, she had done it for him.

Or are high earners not allowed to expect their partners to keep promises?