To ask DH not to go for promotion?

[NCforthis235]

Sorry for long thread but there is context and don't want to drip feed.

DH is a teacher and has recently had a "tap" to apply for HOD job at his school for next September.

I am the breadwinner (earning c.5x DH's salary) but there are elements of his job which contribute massively in financial and non-financial ways (huge discount on school fees, DH does all childcare during school holidays).

I am pregnant with DC3, due in the spring and have made big sacrifices for him to pursue his teaching career. I went back to work after 3 months with DC1, and 6 weeks after DC2 because he was doing a degree and teacher training so I needed to earn. I have stayed in my current job longer than I would otherwise have done because the flexibility is amazing, but I have to do a night away a week from the kids and a long commute either end. Whenever the kids are sick during term time, it is me who juggles as his job is less flexible.

We are finally settling into a routine but I am stretched/often struggling. I do school drop off and pick up 2x a week on my WFH days (plus on my day off - I work 80%), spend a couple of hours with the kids then finish my work day once DH is home from school. It's working, but it's not easy.

The HOD job would involve him moving from 80% to full time as well as significantly more admin to do before/after school. Which ultimately would involve us needing a nanny for an extra day (which would more than eat up the pay bump for him) and add significantly more strain on me when I already feel like I'm just getting by.

He also wouldn't be able to take shared parental leave as we had planned for Christmas term next year. I've said I think we should just focus on stability during the early years and spending as much time with the kids as possible, and that the HOD is likely to come up again at some point. Once new baby is at pre-school, I am likely to want to look at different job options which would be made a lot easier if DH just stayed where he was for a few years. He's saying that we both worked hard and sacrificed a lot for his career and that he now wants to climb the ladder and start taking some of the financial load off of me. AIBU?

The vacancy is for a January start, it’s now December - where are they going to find a brilliant external candidate with far more experience who can start in the new year at a month’s notice?

Adverts for mid year HoDs usually specify January or April start. Independent school teachers need to give a whole term’s notice. So they will advertise/ be advertising for a Jan or April start, or even September for the right candidate, with an interim in between.

If this school is a top flight indie, which the OP seems to be suggesting, they will want to ensure they get the right person, not just the person who happened to be there at the right time. A key department such as Science needs a strong leader at its helm and someone with a very good grasp of exam board requirements. They are unlikely to parachute an inexperienced classroom teacher who’s been working p/t into the role on anything other than an interim basis. There will have to be a recruitment process as other teachers in the department will have every right to complain if there isn’t. I can’t imagine the OP’s husband is uniquely qualified for the position amongst his colleagues as he has so little experience. A top flight school is not going to have a core department full of newly qualified teachers.

If you were to separate down the line, it sounds like you already have a substantial salary. However, your husband may be struggling so I understand why he'd want to take steps to ensure financial independence/progress his career.

Hear hear, don't be so selfish.

@NCforthis235
Sorry if you've already addressed this but some points of this just seem a bit weird to me. You talk a lot about the sacrifices you've made with short maternity leaves... But was it not a joint decision to conceive or carry on with a pregnancy at the same time as your DH was at uni and training? Like you could have waited a year until PGDE was done. Or with your first pregnancy, it seems unusual that you weren't able to save anything in advance to have longer off? Even on a lowly teachers salary I managed to save enough for 7 months off (and it was unplanned so I didn't have time before!!). So on 5x that I'd imagine it wouldn't be too hard to save more.
I mean it may or may not be the right time for this promotion. But to blame all this on him when some of the decisions could have been yours seems a bit disingenuous.

I agree with this, there are glaring options, the two main ones being:

• The nanny being paid when the preschooler isn’t even at home

• Two sets of parents taking money from you at a cost of £1000 a month

The preschooler will only get older, most likely going into full time school in the next 12 months or so. It’s a fairly temporary issue.
The baby will obviously need childcare but in a high earning job, surely you get a decent maternity package? I work in public service on a very average £30k a year and get 26 weeks paid maternity. Did you really need to go back to work at 6 weeks with DC2 (assuming that was pre COL crisis so mortgage will have been half what it is now). Again the parents should be seriously reconsidering their setup if you had to leave your newborn to fund them. What on earth have they both done to need that much money a month at retirement age.

i suspect that either the DH has now been squeezed into saying he’s not interested in the promotion OR he’s digging his heels in (and i hope so!) and it’s stalemate. Either way… an update is unlikely