To ask DH not to go for promotion?

[NCforthis235]

Sorry for long thread but there is context and don't want to drip feed.

DH is a teacher and has recently had a "tap" to apply for HOD job at his school for next September.

I am the breadwinner (earning c.5x DH's salary) but there are elements of his job which contribute massively in financial and non-financial ways (huge discount on school fees, DH does all childcare during school holidays).

I am pregnant with DC3, due in the spring and have made big sacrifices for him to pursue his teaching career. I went back to work after 3 months with DC1, and 6 weeks after DC2 because he was doing a degree and teacher training so I needed to earn. I have stayed in my current job longer than I would otherwise have done because the flexibility is amazing, but I have to do a night away a week from the kids and a long commute either end. Whenever the kids are sick during term time, it is me who juggles as his job is less flexible.

We are finally settling into a routine but I am stretched/often struggling. I do school drop off and pick up 2x a week on my WFH days (plus on my day off - I work 80%), spend a couple of hours with the kids then finish my work day once DH is home from school. It's working, but it's not easy.

The HOD job would involve him moving from 80% to full time as well as significantly more admin to do before/after school. Which ultimately would involve us needing a nanny for an extra day (which would more than eat up the pay bump for him) and add significantly more strain on me when I already feel like I'm just getting by.

He also wouldn't be able to take shared parental leave as we had planned for Christmas term next year. I've said I think we should just focus on stability during the early years and spending as much time with the kids as possible, and that the HOD is likely to come up again at some point. Once new baby is at pre-school, I am likely to want to look at different job options which would be made a lot easier if DH just stayed where he was for a few years. He's saying that we both worked hard and sacrificed a lot for his career and that he now wants to climb the ladder and start taking some of the financial load off of me. AIBU?

Well his work would be in breach of the legislation in that case! Shared parental leave is written into legislation not a nice little bonus

Cruising on 5x teacher salary and able to get to all dc events. I be most of mumsnet woukd love your job OP.

And all the comments about "ooh, it'll be tight, financially" and "it'll be a stretch for a few years" 😂
Even "On such a high wage you'll have huge outgoings" - well that's a lifestyle choice isn't it? Surely the obvious answer is just cut back on some of your huge outgoings in order to facilitate more nanny hours or a drop in one partners working hours, or longer maternity leave, or get a cleaner to pick up some of the load at home... there are several quite simple, common sense options.
And no, I'm not jealous. I'm happy with my salary and my work/life balance. I have a career I love that allows me time with my kids as well. I earn enough to pay my bills and have a few treats. This thread just makes me a bit 🤦🏼‍♀️/🤣

Some of these answers are getting nasty, so I will take a step back. Really appreciate those that have taken time to give constructive advice. It sounds as though it's me who should be sucking it up again so that he can take the chance.

Maths is clearly not the strong suit of many on here. DH is a new teacher (I thought this was obvious given he has just changed career), so his 80% salary plus 5x that brings us nowhere near the salary that some people have magicked up in their head. As I said, I am a high earner (with job expectations that match that), but we already pay a nanny 25 hours a week, have a large mortgage and financially support 2 other households, on top of school and pre-school fees. We holiday once a year in the UK. Is it really that hard to believe that we don't have an extra £1.5kpcm to add 2 days for the nanny?

I don’t think anybody should tell another adult that they can’t work, can’t go for promotion etc.

You say you are 'stretched' but then you are having another child. That's not sensible to me.

@MrsKeats we tried to make the decision on our family size based on more than just a 3-5year view.

But was part of rhe decision for his career change the flexibility it would afford the family for school hols etc? So it sounds like he believes he's done some sacrificing too.
I think you've both made efforts to support your family decisions and it is going to be tough as small kids are. If there's any way you can afford a nanny then I'd say go for the HoD and the extra help ... or could you get some other help eg au pair to fill in some gaps? Do you have a cleaner? If not, get one! Dh will have to accept he'll be working late doing admin after kids are in bed and it may strain your marriage. But if you can work through then you may end up in a really good position in a few years.

It sounds like you're both very career oriented, and that's going to be stressful. Is that really what you want, or is it time to think about simplifying things a bit? Not saying I see a right or wrong for you, that's entirely up to you, your life. Maybe it's time to reset. Did you say you didn't like your own job? Maybe this is a good time to move sideways or up to something else you'll like more?

This just doesn't make sense to me. You point out you took a short mat leave in the past due to supporting your dhs career. But him taking this promotion means that you can't split your leave with him. Isn't that a good thing that you get to take your full leave this time??

It sounds like yous have really stretched yourselves financially so given there's the strain of another baby coming, I think it's great that he's stepping up. You will be on mat leave next year and have a nanny, I really don't see the drama.

Sometimes you have to pay for childcare/housekeeping of some nature and that eats into your earning money - my dd is going back to work after maternity and will be left with little after childcare costs for two - but is moving forward and a long term plan on the career front.

Generally, but I think you can raise serious concerns. There was one job my DH could have looked at and I told him that if he wanted to be married to his job rather than me, I'd wonder what the point of being together would be. Being on call 24/7/365 is not what I chose to marry and would mean I couldn't do anything myself that required him to be reliable for even the smallest thing. Not to say we couldn't negotiate or compromise but I think, when you have a family unit together, there's room to say something doesn't work.

Will he not get time off timetable for his hod duties? I don't know if this is how it works in the private sector.

I'm a hod and, honestly, you could spend all the holidays, evenings and weekends working if you wanted to, but you really don't have to... If he's organised enough and doesn't let it take over then I don't think it should add loads to his current hours. I've just had a baby and don't intend on working all hours under the sun when I go back to school.

It feels you are being unfair. 3 dc is hard, but it's you who wanted the 3rd. Tell us a bit more about your finances, and what your expenses are. You earn 5 x his teachers salary, so combined household income good, but you only currently have a nanny 2 days. This doesn't make sense.

OP’s DH is not going on call 24/7/365 or anything remotely like that. But I am not surprised to see somebody making one of these ridiculous leaps from the actual situation to the most extreme scenario on mumsnet. Tedious.

Exactly 🤣 I see this all the time on MN. For folk that are intelligent on huge salaries there lacks common sense in many ways...it would be sensible to cut your cloth accordingly. Cut back and get a tiny mortgage and state school educate the DC. There are a lot of ways to make your income stretch further with a bit of thought....

I think you can ask him, but, while I understand you have done a lot of supporting of him, you have also got a 3rd baby and a flexible well paid gig.

What you need to do is sit down together and figure out how you’re going to manage it. If he chooses not to go for it, it will come out of the realisation that it’s too much for everyone.

If he does decide to go for it, then a full time nanny is what you need. Of course it will eat any increase in salary, but that’s often true of childcare - you pay it to build your future earning potential.

He should also try and negotiate at work - reduce his classroom hours a bit to allow admin time, or get them to agree to parental leave.

Use your reading comprehension and you'll realise I was responding to a specific very short comment, from a particular poster who was NOT op.

Oh wait, that was you I was replying to. Then you should see I was responding to your generalisation, not OP's specific situation. 🙄

It's completely fine to want the other parent not to do anything that prevents them taking the shared parental leave they'd agreed to, yes. YANBU at all.

Hire the nanny for longer hours and see how it goes.
It might be perfectly fine.
Your DH can always try to cut back after a year or two if you all are not coping.

I’d say let him take the promotion OP. If the bump in his salary will cover the extra childcare for the new baby then you’ll be no worse off financially than you are now. You might have to work out something where your DH can contribute more to life admin but if you manage now you’ll manage after baby.
Don’t worry things always have a way of working themselves out.

This. If you are earning 5x a teachers salary you are well into 6 figures.

If the positions were reversed and a woman was saying that her husband didn't want her to take a promotion for the reasons you give, there would be uproar.

Why can't he go for the HoD job and stay at 80%?

I don't usually post or reply on threads but this one has rattled me some of the comments are disgusting and rude there is no need to treat people badly everyone makes mistakes (not that this is a mistake) and not one person is perfect ! It sounds like you both had a plan and this promotion was not a part of that plan and has thrown a spanner in the works nobody can tell you what to do that is right but I think you need to have a conversation with your husband explain the good and bad points and explain how you feel in a productive non attacking way and see what he comes back with he may well just be excited and the realisation will kick in that it's not so manageable so he may back down or he may compromise on the situation and shed some different light or ways around it if after that he gets funny about it then he's being unreasonable for not taking your concerns into consideration , I dont think either of you are unreasonable but i do think you both need to have a discussion and go forward with what's best for everyone my husband gave up his whole career because it didn't fit with our family he worked 10 years for it but he knew it was best to step back atleast until they're bigger good luck ignore the keyboard warriors nobody should judge anyone from a small view into their lives , I hope things work out for the best for both of you

I dont get how you say you're 'just getting by' with 5x hubby's salary plus his salary when you mention having a nanny for 1 day of the week and it would more than eat into hubby's raise. I see both sides, yes on the one hand hubby wants to utilise further the degree and training he has and contribute more into the household, but I also understand the perks that come with him staying in the position he is in (not worrying about childcare during the holidays specifically, although, won't this remain the same as he would still be a teacher just the head of the department??)
What ever you decide I wish you well and good luck with baby no3

You've fulfilled your dreams with both motherhood and what sounds like an excellent lucrative career.

He hasn't.

Now he's got the chance to fly, too.

Stop holding him back. He will resent you.

Get the nanny. Make adjustments.