To ask DH not to go for promotion?

[NCforthis235]

Sorry for long thread but there is context and don't want to drip feed.

DH is a teacher and has recently had a "tap" to apply for HOD job at his school for next September.

I am the breadwinner (earning c.5x DH's salary) but there are elements of his job which contribute massively in financial and non-financial ways (huge discount on school fees, DH does all childcare during school holidays).

I am pregnant with DC3, due in the spring and have made big sacrifices for him to pursue his teaching career. I went back to work after 3 months with DC1, and 6 weeks after DC2 because he was doing a degree and teacher training so I needed to earn. I have stayed in my current job longer than I would otherwise have done because the flexibility is amazing, but I have to do a night away a week from the kids and a long commute either end. Whenever the kids are sick during term time, it is me who juggles as his job is less flexible.

We are finally settling into a routine but I am stretched/often struggling. I do school drop off and pick up 2x a week on my WFH days (plus on my day off - I work 80%), spend a couple of hours with the kids then finish my work day once DH is home from school. It's working, but it's not easy.

The HOD job would involve him moving from 80% to full time as well as significantly more admin to do before/after school. Which ultimately would involve us needing a nanny for an extra day (which would more than eat up the pay bump for him) and add significantly more strain on me when I already feel like I'm just getting by.

He also wouldn't be able to take shared parental leave as we had planned for Christmas term next year. I've said I think we should just focus on stability during the early years and spending as much time with the kids as possible, and that the HOD is likely to come up again at some point. Once new baby is at pre-school, I am likely to want to look at different job options which would be made a lot easier if DH just stayed where he was for a few years. He's saying that we both worked hard and sacrificed a lot for his career and that he now wants to climb the ladder and start taking some of the financial load off of me. AIBU?

You pushed for a third baby and now you want your hold back your husband's career,
Incredibly selfish.

I don’t think anyone should have their career held back by their partner. He will resent you

You clearly have money - get some additional help to plug the gaps and support him to go for it.

It just feels wrong for any individual to try to hold back their partner's career. This is what he wants to do, it's right to support him. (As it would be for a husband to support a wife's career too).

Just as a little point, I was head of two departments at one point, both humanities and whilst it was tricky at points it wasn't ridiculously hard or required too much more than I was already giving

Agree with @littlemousebigcheese - it's a new job, not going off to the oil rigs, leaving you home alone. Roll with the changes. You would be wrong to ask him not to go for it.

I think you’re being really selfish. You wanted this baby. Of course life was going to be harder, and he does it all during school holidays, which let’s face it are bloody extensive. 13 weeks. And you’ve support in terms of a nanny, it’s so utterly wrong to try to hold him back so you can have another baby and progress.

give your head a wobble.

Hmmm. I would be honest and say 1. I have supported your career so much. I have sacrificed leave, flexed my career to be the one carrying the load at home, and I can’t point to anywhere you have done this for me. It is useful to have you home in the holidays , but it isn’t you making a specific sacrifices it’s your job, and I am afraid we won’t even get that with three and you being hod- you will probably tell me you MUST be in school half the holidays and cannot look after our children. I am feeling pretty bitter as I thought it was my turn to get some support.
2.given that, here’s what I cannot do. I cannot cut my maternity leave short, you aren’t supportive enough. I cannot take on more. You have no idea how thinly I’ve been stretched and I have nothing else to give.
3 also, this means we will need more childcare , a nanny probably. If you add in school holiday childcare are we poorer for your promotion? I can’t flex anymore.
4 I am so bitter that you wouldn’t take parental leave if you did this. I really thought our relationship was going to support me for a change. Now I suspect it’s the opposite and you will expect even more from me, and I don’t have it to give it to you.

Wow really? That’s unpleasant.

For context my Dh is on his first parental leave now with our third. If he had suggested a promotion that meant he wouldn’t do the parental leave I’d have never spoken ti him again. Like you, this is a chance for him to be the supportive one for a huge change, and I need that from him.

Get a live in nanny.

Is it though? Realistically, he will work holidays so the one advantage of his job is half cancelled. The pay rise will be swallowed by childcare. Working mums are allowed to expect their Dh to be their support sometimes after they have carried the family for a long time, and they do not have to put up and shut up and advance their husbands career at the expense of their ability to cope.

Even if they’ve persuaded him to have a third child he didn’t particularly want? Don’t think so.

Yes it really is. She wanted the third kid. Not him, and she earns approx 200-250k and can easily afford child care.

Even though it may be tight financially for a few years, I would suggest a nanny until all children are in school full time!

That way, you can both focus on your careers which will be financially beneficial anyway. And the nanny won't be forever! Opportunities don't always come up and it would be awful if he ended up resenting you if he didn't go for it.

I understand it'll be hectic, but it won't be like that forever!

My DH has just started HOD at 80% - it's working well with school support and good 2IC. Depends how much the school want him but good teachers who can lead are like gold dust - I'd push back on that. Plus another vote for nanny!

So the op isn’t ever entitled to any support? She hasn’t had it to date, not having this third means he never ever has to step up? Yes she wanted a third, but she didn’t trick him into having it. No respect for a man who pulls the plug on finally supporting his wife when their third child is due just because the baby was her idea. She supported him through having baby 1 and baby 2. As you say, she earns 200-250k. So do I and it’s not negotiable that my Dh pulls his weight at home. She earns enough that he risks her questioning what he brings to the table with this move. It’s not more parenting , it’s not more housework, it’s not career support, it’s not more money, it’s not being sensitive to when he is most needed.

I interpreted it as it’s your turn, not his. It’s my “turn” at the moment after 3 rounds of IVF and my life being over taken by it. Not going to lie, l would be fuming if my husband didn’t respect that. It’s not all about him. Especially if he’s re-trained during the pregnancy / tiny children phase

I’m impressed you went back so quickly the last 2 times. I thought l was pushing it going back after 6 month with twins! But needs must -mine was partly financial and partly mental health

All this

You can’t pour from an empty cup and it seems like OP has made lots of sacrifices. I would be super intrigued to see responses if OP was male

I would be super intrigued to see responses if OP was male

He’d be lynched.

i know! All this it doesn’t matter where you are in your life or whether you’re the stressed breadwinner who carries the home load and has sacrificed mat leave to support your career jumps before, if your dh gets a promotion opportunity He. Must. Be. Enabled. What if the op wants a promotion opportunity? Or wants to take a job that satisfies her more? Can she just expect him to step up? (Clearly not, she is a woman after all).

What if the op wants a promotion opportunity? Or wants to take a job that satisfies her more? Can she just expect him to step up? (Clearly not, she is a woman after all).

Well maybe OP shouldn't have insisted on a third child? We both wanted to progress our careers so we stopped at the number of children that was plausible with our career trajectories. OP is wanting everything her way.

Women are often told that they can't work or go for promotions because the childcare would equate to their salary.
It's a bad argument for either sex. Dc don't stay small for that long. It shouldn't be up to one parent to sacrifice their salary for childcare.
Building your career, paying into pensions has long term benefits not just the first couple of years.

Hmm lm not convinced. The perception of the Big Important Man Job is still very pervasive. After l had twins then my MIL assumed l was quitting my job to get a zero hours contract role somewhere to work around my husbands job. I didn’t as l don’t earn much less than him, plus he’s hit the ceiling for his role and l haven’t. Also l wasn’t sure how he would pay back the £50k in my lost pension contributions, l didn’t get a permanent role until they went to school

The op has listed everything about their life together and it’s all supporting him EXCEPT for the third baby. Where oh where do you get the idea that everything is her way, when one single point is her way?

@Codlingmoths the bit where she thinks she can insist on an additional child and hold back her DH's career, when we talk about "having it all" we are usually talking family and careers. She wants the family size she wants, at the expense of her husband's career, that's being pretty demanding. And YES I would absolutely say this to a man.