To ask DH not to go for promotion?

[NCforthis235]

Sorry for long thread but there is context and don't want to drip feed.

DH is a teacher and has recently had a "tap" to apply for HOD job at his school for next September.

I am the breadwinner (earning c.5x DH's salary) but there are elements of his job which contribute massively in financial and non-financial ways (huge discount on school fees, DH does all childcare during school holidays).

I am pregnant with DC3, due in the spring and have made big sacrifices for him to pursue his teaching career. I went back to work after 3 months with DC1, and 6 weeks after DC2 because he was doing a degree and teacher training so I needed to earn. I have stayed in my current job longer than I would otherwise have done because the flexibility is amazing, but I have to do a night away a week from the kids and a long commute either end. Whenever the kids are sick during term time, it is me who juggles as his job is less flexible.

We are finally settling into a routine but I am stretched/often struggling. I do school drop off and pick up 2x a week on my WFH days (plus on my day off - I work 80%), spend a couple of hours with the kids then finish my work day once DH is home from school. It's working, but it's not easy.

The HOD job would involve him moving from 80% to full time as well as significantly more admin to do before/after school. Which ultimately would involve us needing a nanny for an extra day (which would more than eat up the pay bump for him) and add significantly more strain on me when I already feel like I'm just getting by.

He also wouldn't be able to take shared parental leave as we had planned for Christmas term next year. I've said I think we should just focus on stability during the early years and spending as much time with the kids as possible, and that the HOD is likely to come up again at some point. Once new baby is at pre-school, I am likely to want to look at different job options which would be made a lot easier if DH just stayed where he was for a few years. He's saying that we both worked hard and sacrificed a lot for his career and that he now wants to climb the ladder and start taking some of the financial load off of me. AIBU?

no brainer

nanny

I agree with @Raincloudsonasunnyday - encourage him to go for the promotion, and get your nanny to do longer hours or even full time to take the strain off you. Presumably the HoD role will be a stepping stone to something like Deputy Head and Head, so you will reach a point when your mutual earnings substantially outweighsthe cost of child care.

you say you want to re focus on your career

simple solution

full time

how old is your husband?

I think it's important he progresses his career, as he works in a much less lucrative industry than you, and if you ever were to separate he would need to be able to support himself/the kids when he had them. I know you are happy now, but relationships do end, sadly. For this reason I think it is important he does this, so I see it might not be nice to think of it like this. Good luck to you both.

Nanny/housekeeper definitely. This is the worst time when they are small and it is much easier if you can afford to get help. It takes a huge pressure off. Looking back ( we had 4 and 2 very full on careers) I wish I had got more help particularly with the housekeeping side.
It gets easier as they get older and we moved to less nanny more PT housekeeper.
Ignore PPs saying you shouldn't have a 3rd - you'll get through it's just a tough time

So you earn a a very high wage and your husband is on a decent wage . You only work 4 days a week, as does he . You can afford a nanny and have a helpful family - yet you’re still saying you are struggling with the demands !
wow - you are very fortunate really .
Not sure how much easier you want it !

Totally agree with this.

This.

@NCforthis235

Well OP, if you insisted on a third child knowing exactly what it would entail then what do you expect people to say? You can't have your cake and eat it. If a man was holding a woman back from promotion all hell would break loose.

im not fully aware of teachers salaries but presumably you’re earning in the region of £180-200k between you? Surely it would make sense to just have a full time nanny for the next few years until the baby starts school? Then you could both focus on work and you could pick and choose the events you attend?
I have a close friend with three children, she is a lawyer and he is an accountant and for the first few years they just had a full time nanny and it was hectic and mad but the girls are now 9, 11 and 14 and they both still have great careers that they were able to maintain through those tricky young years.

Oh well it appears then that mumsnet can't help you. Goodluck!

The pay bump to HOD might be eaten up by additional nanny but he would then be on the leadership scale and have the opportunity to progress up it.

It'll be a lot of work for him at least in the beginning, but it is much better being a HID with a supportive senior management and in a school he knows.

These opportunities don't come along that often. Once he's done the job, even for a short time, his earning potential is massively increased.

In your shoes I would invest in his career - spend more money on a nanny to make life easier for both of you in the expectation that both he and you can step up.

Go for a full time nanny - sounds like your finances can handle it. That way you BOTH develop your careers, kids are cared for and then when they're older you can reap the rewards of your stable jobs when they are in full time school.

i agree with the pushing through on career progression even if it makes things financially tighter right now.
I had DD during my doctorate and the combination of work/PhD means we were paying from our savings for good quality childcare. By the time she was 5 I could see we made the right choice. Career wise it was worth it. We rebuilt our savings.
I think I would struggle if DH had persuaded me to put my career on the back burner although I’ve done that to a certain extent as he has a full on job and I knew I’d only have DD (two DSC and three kids is enough!).
play the long game if you can

I think both parents working 80% when the kids are small is the ideal really, if you are able. It worked really well for me, with us both being "nearly full time" at work, but kids only in childcare 3 days with a dedicated day with each parent.

So I can see why you are reluctant to give that up. I had to change our pattern due to covid childcare issues, and it has been a real loss.

Does your DH not think he will miss having the time with DC3 that he had with the older children?

I guess the immediate problem is the loss of shared parental leave. Why would he need to drop that - it is a legal entitlement. If he could continue with that, it might be a compromise with him going full time afterwards? I can see why you don't want to leave a very young baby with a nanny full time.

I think you're wrong to hold this opinion that it's now "your turn" when it was your idea to have another baby. If you were both so career-orientated I can't understand the decision to add another child into the mix? There is nothing wrong with you both pursuing careers. But it's both your responsibility to ensure that all the children need adequate parental attention, not just input from a nanny. You need to be honest with yourselves if you can provide that for all three of them if you both pursue promotion and you both have to work in the evenings as well as during the day. When does the "quality time with the children" actually take place?

If a man had written this - including persuading his partner to have a third child when she was happy with two - he’d be lynched. I think it’s his turn to move his career on.

Yes you’re unreasonable. Employ the nanny for longer as it’s a short term cost

OP didn't know HOD offer was in the pipeline so no, she didn't know this would be the situation. It seems that if dh takes a job that leaves more on the domestic plate, it's not for OP to just kill herself dealing with it.
Paying for help is the obvious solution. But make sure the mental load for the admin of domestic help is shared between you both. And make sure that if he ends up doing more work in the evenings then the extra domestic work doesn't just get shunted onto you as you are already working in the evenings. If your work suffers, the whole family suffers are you are paying for the lions share if everything.
Fact is, if you are barely coping, nothing anyone here can say about you taking on more makes any sense. You can't take on more so the solution needs to factor that in

It's tough. My partner's just got a new role that 100% in office and I'm not sure how I'll manage.

If you earn 5x your husband then you must be on at least £250k? What about getting a nanny so you have robust childcare and don't have to worry about what time you're home.

I think you need to consider yourself very fortunate indeed that you can afford to pay for help.

Many many families have both parents working full time and will never see the kind of money you are bringing in.

Ok so that isn’t helpful to the OP. But honestly OP the solution is simple - buy in more help ! If most people could afford to they absolutely would !!

Isn't that discrimination on the grounds of parental status?

I'm with others, he shouldn't have to put his career on hold when you can afford to buy in extra childcare.

At risk of pointing out the obvious, adding more children into the mix will just make this situation more stressful than it needs to be. Babies take up lots of time and energy, you go back to square one with little sleep.

Hiring a nanny full time to live in would probably be your most realistic plan to put in place. Gives you both lots of time to get on with your careers and the flexibility with your work that you need.

In fact, have a night nanny too for the early days. I am living vicariously through you OP. You might as well go the whole hog!