To ask DH not to go for promotion?

[NCforthis235]

Sorry for long thread but there is context and don't want to drip feed.

DH is a teacher and has recently had a "tap" to apply for HOD job at his school for next September.

I am the breadwinner (earning c.5x DH's salary) but there are elements of his job which contribute massively in financial and non-financial ways (huge discount on school fees, DH does all childcare during school holidays).

I am pregnant with DC3, due in the spring and have made big sacrifices for him to pursue his teaching career. I went back to work after 3 months with DC1, and 6 weeks after DC2 because he was doing a degree and teacher training so I needed to earn. I have stayed in my current job longer than I would otherwise have done because the flexibility is amazing, but I have to do a night away a week from the kids and a long commute either end. Whenever the kids are sick during term time, it is me who juggles as his job is less flexible.

We are finally settling into a routine but I am stretched/often struggling. I do school drop off and pick up 2x a week on my WFH days (plus on my day off - I work 80%), spend a couple of hours with the kids then finish my work day once DH is home from school. It's working, but it's not easy.

The HOD job would involve him moving from 80% to full time as well as significantly more admin to do before/after school. Which ultimately would involve us needing a nanny for an extra day (which would more than eat up the pay bump for him) and add significantly more strain on me when I already feel like I'm just getting by.

He also wouldn't be able to take shared parental leave as we had planned for Christmas term next year. I've said I think we should just focus on stability during the early years and spending as much time with the kids as possible, and that the HOD is likely to come up again at some point. Once new baby is at pre-school, I am likely to want to look at different job options which would be made a lot easier if DH just stayed where he was for a few years. He's saying that we both worked hard and sacrificed a lot for his career and that he now wants to climb the ladder and start taking some of the financial load off of me. AIBU?

Op has a good salary, 5x a teachers salary must be 100 k ? Then DH salary on top. Sounds good on paper…But they also have big out going’s, a big mortgage, discounted school fees. Part time nanny’s wages and everything else related to family life to pay for. On their salaries they could, in theory, manage this. However, they also support two other households, their parents.
Im willing to bet that not many on mums net support two extra households on top of their own, granted there will be some who do but judging by this thread not many.

What are your husband’s suggestions on how you will manage? You definitely deserve to have more than 6 weeks or 3 months maternity leave this time so please do take it. He needs to come up with some solutions as to how this will work.

I agree you should get a nanny. He should have the chance to progress his career as well. He probably feels quite precarious given that you earn so much more than him. You also don't know how you'll feel further down the line, you might appreciate his headteacher's salary eventually if you want to slow down your career in the longer term. In five years' time you may not need so much childcare and by then you'll be quids in!

A nanny/housekeeper would take other strains off you both and also he wouldn't have to do full-time care in the holidays which might enable him to do some of his admin/prep work in the holidays.

If you are financially well off, then I think he’d be completely mad to go from working 4 days and having all/most of the holidays, evenings and weekends off to becoming HOD where he’s working 5 days a week and will have to work a lot more during weekends, evenings and holidays.

I would be telling him that you think giving himself extra work when he doesn’t need the money is a bit silly but that you support him and if this is what he really wants then you’ll try and make it work.

I used to be a teacher but had to give it up as I found it too difficult to juggle parenting (single parent) and working in such s demanding job.
My plan is go to back when my DC is older and more independent.

Some people do manage to have great careers but if it was me I wouldn’t push for promotions and extra work until the DCs are much older, especially if he doesn’t need the money.

But if this is what he really wants then I’d let him carry on.

This, I'm afraid. You're being very self-centred, and particularly so since you were the one pushing for the third baby. Men are often accused of treating their wives like domestic appliances, but there's a hint of that going on here in reverse. Opportunities like this promotion won't come along very often for your husband, and once he's refused he won't be seen as the favoured candidate next time.

You don't seem to know how lucky you are currently, both working 80% with a high income and his long school holidays in the mix. Head wobble time indeed.

I'm currently a SAHM with 3 children, youngest is 2. If I were to get a job, the salary would be swallowed by childcare, but my husband would fully support that. I think you're trying to avoid help and childcare, but still both want the careers, and that's just not manageable.

I would also question the legality of withdrawing the SPL. It would undoubtedly be discrimination to refuse the role to a pregnant lady. It's continuation of service with the same employer, so you should qualify still.

HoD jobs don't just come up all the time. It's not uncommon for a HoD to stay in a school for a good 10 years, if they're happy with the school. The opportunity may not come round again anytime soon. It wasn't planned, but a nanny could sort that.

He could also put in a flexible working request to 80% after 6 months.

A man I know became a HOD in a school. It was actually a lot better for his mental health which in return was better all round for the family. Let him go for the promotion.

OP, can I ask what job you have that even though you've 'made big sacrifices', 'doing fine, cruising slightly', 'been the one making the sacrifices', 'spent 5 years supporting his career change' allows you to earn 5x a teacher's salary?!

I'm guessing something in tech? OP, as a high earner, will be massively hit by tax though.

All you can do is give it a try. If something ever happened to your career and you were unable to work, it's good that he's as high up the ladder as he can be.

Why wouldn't he be able to take shared parental leave? Surely it would be illegal for the school to deny him this? Would you be able to drop to 4 days instead while the baby is young?

@gldd in law or finance you can cruise and make £200k pa if you've put in a few years. Mad isn't it...

It is illegal sadly quite a few work places are not up to date with shared parental leave legislation and don't realise its in law!

I suggest that she sees a good accountant to offset some of the tax

This be isn’t clear to me either.
Also reduced school fees and childcare during the holidays is priceless- you may earn and pay tax on more but he’s pulling his weight, there was quite a sense of I bring in the money, he needs to flex and put his ambitions on the back burner.
3 dc and 2 careers is hard.

Whether you planned it or not, you can't ignore the opportunity has come along for your DH to be a HOD which is obviously an exciting opportunity for him. It's so much easier moving within the same organistion and if he deosn't go for it now then it might be years before it becomes available again. I would be pleased for my partner if this came up even whilst being a bit scared and grumpy about the effect it has on me.

Ask him to plan the practicality of the childcare/money and of course the full amount of maternity leave you want to take - and whether he could fit in split parental leave in at another time.

Life never goes to plan, sometimes you have to turn on a sixpence and replan everything. Listen to his plan with an open mind and be creative with solutions - using a cleaner, a mothers help to pick up kids on the days Nanny isn't working, I don't know but tell him he needs to plan it.

Just thinking of me and my parnter - he took a job that mean 4 x 12 hours days then 4 days off then rotating onto nights. I can't say I'm thrilled but we are slowly making it work and he is very aware of what compromises I've made to accomodtae him. What is the other option - "tell" him he can't? Doesn't feel right to me. Even if you spend every penny of his increase on childcare/cleaners/holiday clubs it won't be forever and there's more to work than simply the financial - self esteem, future pension, mental health etc.

She'd need to see a magician not an accountant - unless you're super rich and have the option of moving jurisdictions, there's isn't huge scope to avoid tax these days apart from the obvious like putting more money into a pension and that still reduces your cashflow despite being tax efficient.

If your husband is a newly qualified teacher, and already getting the tap for HOD, surely it's worth having a think of how he could pursue it? How many NQT are in this position?
Equally, he might not get it. Not sure how teaching works, but in my old corporate world, getting the tap didn't necessarily mean it was a shoo in.

Well I've a friend who's a magician then. 😂

Think you need a full time nanny OP @NCforthis235

I think you're being quite self centred, and you would have 20 pages of abuse if the genders were reversed

I think you need to understand what’s important for him, and he needs to also listen and understand your concerns. I wouldn’t let the concern about a nanny using up the extra income be a factor in the decision. If he wants the promotion for his own career fulfilment, not just the money, then the nanny, even if you’d be financially worse off, would be worth it. Just have to weigh up all the pros and cons. I totally get you, it’s not easy. I’m weighing up whether to get a nanny, or step back a bit from work. I can’t have it both ways….

Congratulations on your third child, how exciting! I’ve voted YABU. I understand your dilemma with child care and I get how hard it is for two working parents to juggle child care. It also seems pretty pointless for DH to go for the job for money as you’re the main breadwinner.
However, I voted YABU because if this is something your husband wants and doesn’t go for because you tell him not too, he’ll watch someone else do the job he wanted and I fear he’ll resent you.

I appreciate you’ve made several sacrifices and now it’s your husbands turn but did he ask you to make those sacrifices or did you decide too? I know that sounds silly but my point is you would hold no resentment for him. Whereas in his situation you’re asking him not too.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do and congratulations again.

then say that. He can obviously pursue this. If he can ensure that it won´t (yet again...) falls all on you!

I am seconding those suggesting a nanny-housekeeper.

A valuable addition (or alternative) is also a night nanny. I know several people that had one and were convinced of the benefits.

This.

Sometimes timing isn't great and best laid plans don't work out. Even if the nanny cost counteracts his pay bump, you've said he may become more senior in future, plus childcare costs will decrease as DC get older while DH's salary should continue to increase. I don't know your financial situation but a HOD job plus 5x that salary would suggest you can comfortably afford a nanny and other help (cleaning? Full time housekeeper?) to get you to a situation where you're both happy, even if you have less money in your pocket at the end of the month. What's the point being such a high earner if you don't spend the money on the practical things that will give your family a happy life, including reducing your own stress?
Big eyerolls to the people saying you should have stopped at 2 DC, that isn't your problem here, you just need to do some logistics juggling.

The way you are talking about his job is as if it is some self indulgent hobby with negligible pay. He is clearly ambitious and good at his job and quite rightly looking to progress. Surely these roles also bring in a bigger pay packet?