Mum STILL self-isolating

[Mumofteens4892]

My 70yr old mum has chronic asthma and is still self isolating from COVID. I'm actually pissed off that she's not coming for Christmas for the 4th xmas in a row. She lives on her own. She lives 5 miles away and we never see her.

AIBU to be utterly fed up?

Her immune system will no doubt pick up any bug going, after so long not going in shops or seeing anyone at all, so she has a good point, and it would be awful if she caught something from us at xmas, but where do we go from here?

When you say self isolating, do you mean she hasn’t been over the door in 4 years?

That's madness. I'd assume the issue isn't Covid as such, but she really needs to see a GP about the underlying issues/health anxiety.

Yeah I think that needs clarifying.

As above- has she not left the house in 4 years?

madness and very sad. I know someone like this but I’m not sure what can be done. It’s their choice to live like this. Not much of a life though!

Has she had her vaccinations?

If she has, what’s her reasoning? My mum developed dementia during 3 year self-isolation. Your mum’s mental health is probably damaged. She doesn’t need anger but help and understanding.

can you talk to her GP?

Yeah, I have a relative like this.

It’s like the soldiers who never surrendered after WW2

That seems very extreme. Does she go out for regular things - shopping, hairdresser etc? Or does she rely on deliveries ?

Totally understand your concern , she is not doing herself any favours hiding away , but other than suggesting she talks to her GP I don’t know what to suggest. Sad that she is so worried that she is willing to cut off family visits

Can you say more about what she does op

It makes no sense to me but ultimately it's her choice so not a lot you can do

Is she going outside? Would she go for a walk with your family?

I suppose Christmas can be more risky, because many people lost all sense and just can't miss the meeting even if they are acutely ill.

Don't be pissed off, just suggest some activities which are very low risk and take it from there.

Sadly my DM has been damaged. She will go out but doesn't like it, has developed memory issues and anorexia. It's hard to deal with but at her age nothing is changing so we let her be and manage to take her out once a week for food shopping. Bloody covid.

It sounds as though something more is going on and she has developed a phobia/anxiety.

Has she left the house at all?

Has she had all the jabs she's entitled to? Does she not see anyone? Groceries always delivered etc?
She's got herself into a right state.
I wonder if her GP knows and what he/she would advise?

I think that the OP should be "encouraging" her mother out in the Summer months, when more people are outside and the likes of covid/flu etc aren't as common - just to build up some confidence about getting out and about again in a much safer environment. Once they've been out a few times, been shopping a few times, and havn't caught anything, they'll have confidence to get out and do more (and start to pick up natural immunity again).

Christmas is probably the riskiest time of year for people to get together, as it's more likely to be indoors, in a warm/enclosed environment, people crowded together, some of those attending probably are contagious, even if just with a cold or other viral disease. For someone who's not been out much, or at all, then suddenly spending a few hours with lots of other people in a confined space is probably the worst thing to do!

If I were in the OP's shoes, I'd just let Christmas come and go without fuss and work on getting her mother re-acclimatised to the outside World next year, after Easter, when the weather's warmer, infectious diseases are much lower, more to do outside, etc., as a long term "rehabilitation" plan towards Xmas 2024!!

So... she hasn't been in a shop since covid. Home deliveries only. She gets her prescriptions delivered also.

She stayed with a friend last month and they went from there to a holiday cottage for a week. The friend self-isolated for 10 days prior to her visit. I go to her house for a coffee very occasionally. She's been to our house only once or twice.

She gets her hair cut by a visiting hairdresser who uses face-mask...etc. She needs new glasses but is avoiding going to the optician. She'll go to the dentist if she has to.

TBH we have become so accustomed to it, it has become "normal". Your comments are really helpful.

Someone that I know actually prides herself on still being in lockdown nearly 4 years later. She regularly posts on FB that she hasn't been in a shop since early 2020 and doesn't plan to again.

I think some people actually enjoy it

I don't think this is something she's actually in control of any more, to be honest. She's developed OCD/agoraphobia/debilitating health anxiety.

I understand you OP. You are mourning the loss of your mum - but she is not dead! But you have no relationship with her because she won't let you, so the relationship you had before is as dead as though she were in the ground. She is denying herself and her grandchildren the chance to make normal family memories and bond. Be kind to yourself - this is tough, as tough as an actual bereavement.
Only she can change this. She needs MH help but only she can admit she has a problem.
Her friend agreeing to isolate before meeting her does not help. Sadly, by playing into the hands of people like this, you validate their actions. Please do not compromise by agreeing to meet outside, isolate before Xmas etc. Life must go on.

I have a friend like this whose wife has a health condition that makes her somewhat vulnerable, but not extremely vulnerable (the condition itself doesn't make her vulnerable, but the treatment does, moderately). They are still wearing the full rigid masks going in any shop, he tends to go in not her, generally they barely go anywhere, won't sit inside at a restaurant or pub etc. They used to travel a lot and loved eating out and it makes me sad that they can't anymore. And I am sad for them not just that they are missing out on life (they are both mid-60s and approaching retirement and used to have grand plans for that), but mostly that the narrative at the time has led them to live in fear like this, and somehow taken away their ability to make contextualised practical decisions about what is right for them.

I ate outside with my friend the other week (wearing thermals and a woolly hat!), his wife hasn't seen many of her friends in years because they won't sit outside. That isn't living, nobody should be doing that indefinitely, for such a slight 'risk'.

Could you encourage her to take small steps, making some accommodation for her fears? Perhaps get her to agree to a short visit with some of the old covid precautions in place? Ventilation, distance, time outside with a heater etc? I realise you probably dont want to indulge her anxiety, but realistically, you're not going to cure her by Xmas. She's been in this state a long time and if she's going to emerge at all it's going to have to be by taking baby steps outside of her comfort zone, where she feels some sense of control and safety.

My mum is the same OP. Never leaves the house now and family relationships have really suffered

I think the only other people who would have reason to isolate to that extent now would be people whose immune systems were so compromised that they would have been isolating before Covid.

Covid is obviously still a risk, but for most people it’s outweighed by the need to live their normal lives, even if they are in a more at risk group.

What if you all test?
Admittedly I'm not meeting family for Christmas this year as I listened to the "it's just a cold" and went out for a meal, caught covid and then had a nightmare getting antivirals and being unwell
I do go food shopping though

It is very sad that because she is so desperate not to "die from Covid" she is actually surrendering any meaningful life. Death would surely be preferable to living in constant fear? But, sadly, this is her freely made choice - unless there are any reasons to doubt her capacity, which is a whole different ballgame.