Mum STILL self-isolating

[Mumofteens4892]

My 70yr old mum has chronic asthma and is still self isolating from COVID. I'm actually pissed off that she's not coming for Christmas for the 4th xmas in a row. She lives on her own. She lives 5 miles away and we never see her.

AIBU to be utterly fed up?

Her immune system will no doubt pick up any bug going, after so long not going in shops or seeing anyone at all, so she has a good point, and it would be awful if she caught something from us at xmas, but where do we go from here?

I think you need to follow the excellent advice about starting to solve this and support her, next year, and try and make Christmas Christmassy in whatever way you can for her, and yourselves. Facetime, watch party, taking a poinsetta round, face masks or one-at-a-time visiting, whatever would work for you (as well as her). Don't miss out on the rest of what you want to do at Christmas though. Sometimes we have to let people be, to an extent, and be okay with that.

Gosh she sounds potentially quite unwell. My memory is crap but I thought it turned out that asthma isn't actually a particularly significant risk factor with covid anyway? (I have moderately bad asthma, I should remember this. )

I think you should gently encourage her to speak to her GP, and perhaps get in touch with Asthma UK for their views, I've found them very helpful over the years, they have a helpline (or did when I last needed it a few years ago).

But if she isn't willing to relax a bit now, when will she ever? What endpoint does she have in mind?

My step father developed a very significant phobia of Covid which meant he was the same, for quite some time. He's had to have therapy to help him get over it, and is coming out the other side now thankfully. Does she see her lifestyle as a problem? Would she engage in getting some help?

I think trying to do anything in winter will be a problem, as Sod’s Law she will catch something and that will be her “proof” that the worlds unsafe.
I’ve had palliative patients even in pre Covid times who kept themselves at home in the depths of winter because of their vulnerability to seasonal bugs but she doesn’t sound like she needs to isolate to that extreme . it’s whether or not she can bring herself to start increasing activity in the warmer months…she sounds utterly stuck,it’s so sad as people are compromising their health in other ways by extreme behaviour….being physically active is really important for people with asthma, have you tried this tack that if she does get poorly now she will be in a worst state because she isn’t doing any meaningful exercise? Or does she at least go for walks every day?

It's desperately sad, my mother is a lesser version of this

The other thing is extreme isolation is linked with poor mental health and dementia,she’s only 70 which these days isn’t old but you do need to keep yourself cognitively challenged at this age .

@Mumofteens4892 Definitely sounds like this.

Supermarket shops aren't fun, and with the advent of internet shopping, many of us don't NEED to shop in person, but to stop seeing family and friends is a different thing entirely.
How does your mum get exercise?- Being static indoors won't be doing her health any good, either.

I think you need to look at helping here to put measures in place that minimise the risk that still allow her to do the things she enjoyed doing before. I have asthma and I'm still masking on buses / in shops etc as it's the main thing I can do to control the risk. I've had one cold since 2020 and I caught that on Christmas Day so I will keep masking.
Perhaps there are things you can do when she visits like opening windows or running an air purifier.

I have a relative and a friend who are both like this- lifelong disabled who would have happily risked going out amongst all other germs and viruses previously, but that initial shielding letter from the government during covid really fucked them up. The circumstances of shielding ending and restrictions coming off were so muddy, and they've had no personalised advice since the first letter, that they still feel under siege and panicked about going out, want people to wear masks inside their house, washing their shopping deliveries etc. They could have had complications from catching existing diseases before covid like chickenpox, flu, norovirus etc, but covid has been so hyped that it's been blown out of all proportion and its hard to find a way back now.

I have a friend like this - mid forties, no vulnerabilities (apart from pre exisiting anxiety). I have seen her twice since early 2020 and both times outside as she is scared of everything - will barely go inside anywhere - even drinking outside she is a mess of anxiety and it is almost impossible to have a non covid conversation. It is exhausting and upsetting as it appears our friendship is pretty much over.

I sympathise OP. I have a couple of elderly relatives, quite old and frail now so I can understand them being cautious - BUT. I bumped into a cousin of the same generation and this led to an attempt to arrange a meetup.

Everyone but me being old enough that this might be the last chance to see each other.
And my God, the heels were dug in so well I think the local donkey sanctuary might be interested.

It wasn't "if everyone tests first" and/or "let's do it in summer in the garden", which, you know, fair enough, I've just had COVID (again), and it sucked, and I'm quarter of a century younger.

It was clear that they were looking for excuses NOT EVER to meet up. I dropped it - they're all old enough to decide if they want to meet or not, maybe they just don't like each other all that much? But is this how they want to be spending their final years? A bit sad. But not my decision.

How about supporting your mother to remain healthy instead of disparaging her? She clearly feels unsafe around others who take no precautions.

For Christmas, you could ask everyone to take precautions in the week leading up to it (mask in crowded spaces etc), ask everyone to take a rapid test the day of Christmas, stay away if any symptoms, hire an air purifier for your house (see SmartAir who offer this and then donate the used machine to schools) and open all the windows a crack for ventilation. It'll keep everyone safer, not just your mum.

Or, offer to do some outdoor drinks/apéritif or similar before the main event, so she can join in part of the gathering. Getting everyone to test beforehand still.

COVID is not trivial, especially with asthma which is a risk factor for long COVID.

It's a snowball effect. And I have some sympathy.
After years of constant colds and vomiting bugs when kids were little, I loved not being ill during the lock down years.
When I did get covid I knocked me for 6 for weeks.
If you haven't had it the anticipation of getting it now for first time must be very worrying especially if older.
And as you say, it's not just covid, it's everything else.
I know I am more germ aware and more conscious of people coughing around me.
And if you have young children unfortunately they do carry lots of bugs.

You can only build up slowly, have visits at her house, but you wear masks, wash hands and don't get too close, go on short shopping trips.
As she begins to feel more comfortable she will also be gradually exposed to different things, but probably at very low "dose" and will build up her immune system without getting ill.

or in a parallel thread...

"my daughter doesn't see covid as as much of a threat as I do and is pressuring me to take risks that could land me in hospital"

not being able to breathe is shit, as she knows from having asthma so she is taking precautions to avoid further lung damage and ending up with long covid.

Is she happy? This seems to be all about you.
Could you talk about getting a co2 monitor (aranet 4 is excellent), ensuring your home is ventillated, hepa filter (qt3 is a portable device and you can direct the cleaned air flow at yourself, or larger units can do the whole room), offer to test before she comes over?

If you consider covid to be over (it's not, we're in another wave) and are taking no precautions at all, I'm not surprised she's not willing to come to your house. Being treated like a paranoid idiot would put me off too.
There is loads of research coming out and being largely glossed over by the press about the long term damage repeat covid infections does to the body and immune system. Perhaps rather than saying she's overreacting you could consider that she might be using the information she has to make decisions about her own health.

My in-laws are similar but less rational about it. Won't go shopping or to church, will have grand kids straight out of school for the holidays...

Fortunately for me they are my in-laws so I can happily ignore the crazy but it upsets my DH...

Well it's her life.
If you won't live life because you're afraid of dying why bother though.

My mum refused to be afraid of covid and kept going despite being older than your mum and with heart problems.

Mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer in summer this year and is now house bound. I'm sure she's glad she spent her last few years living life and not locked away because of covid.

I'd just leave your mum to it tbh. If that's how she wants to live then let her.

It’s difficult op

there are a lot of bloody selfish twats about who get covid and spread it - and do not consider people who they actively know to be extremely vulnerable.

I know someone who is a covid superspreader. He’s had it six times so far and each time has gone out to a party/pub whilst feeling rough. Even before vaccines when parties weren’t allowed, he was ill on the Thurs, felt a bit better on Fri and therefore had 15 people over for a party. Then felt ill again the next day. Many of them caught covid. Every time he does the same. Last month he had it and was in a pub.

btw opticians will come to house. My sick/vulnerable parents have had them.

I have an acquaintance with lung cancer who has massively outlived expectations, had covid a couple of times and is still travelling across Europe with his/his child's hobby. Way more vulnerable than most who are still locking themselves down but is actually living his life to the full rather than living a half life with no end in sight.

I'm the same and just meet friends outside. I wear FFP2 masks if indoors (public transport, cinema) and have caught covid once so far, keen to prevent a recurrence. I live alone so it's considerably less fun if I catch it. Fully vaccinated though. During the highest point of Covid it was FFP3 masks if indoors (not a fan but better than the alternative I suppose).

Given that it's a potentially disabling airborne virus with widespread cardiovascular / nervous system effects and which people are coughing everywhere without that much regard for others' health this seems fairly sensible ;)

Also fewer people are testing and hardly any tests are reported (when I had Covid earlier in the year it was impossible as the QR codes on my tests weren't readable by the Gov's 'submit a test' pages).

...and I could really do without Long Covid 😬

Jo

I hasten to add - my communication with mum is never of the tone in my original post - ie. "pissed off".

I haven't once questioned her decisions or been disrespectful. We've had many long conversations about her asthma and her situation. I think we will arrange to go to visit friends at xmas this year, and people's suggestions about making 2024 a year of tempting her out more and more - thus working towards next xmas - are excellent.

Speaking selfishly, I guess it just hurts to have a mum, and also not have a mum, both at the same time.

We also have a family member in the same situation, personally I feel it's developed more into agraphobia and mental health issues now. It's sad to see how much they've changed but it seems to be quite common.
They don't have an underlying health condition either so no actual reason to isolate other than their age group.

They have missed all significant family celebrations as well as Christmas.
It's very sad.

I'm in a vulnerable group as immunosuppressed (shielding initially and vaccines haven't worked) and certainly much more careful now than I was before covid as it's so infectious. I do see family at Christmas and other times as well as some friends if I feel they can be trusted to let me know if they have any infection (so that I have the opportunity to stay away). There are some people I don't trust though and they would probably be saying that I am still "self isolating" as I make excuses not to see them much. There are also some situations which I don't enjoy enough to take the risk particularly at this time of year.

I wouldn't appreciate people who have no idea what it is like if you are vulnerable to covid or other infections telling me what I should and shouldn't do.

Or, offer to do some outdoor drinks/apéritif or similar before the main event,

In the UK. In December. It's 2c today, and dark by 4pm. Come for Christmas drinks with a side helping of hypothermia. How joyful and festive.

I don't think pandering to anxieties with testing and air purifiers and masks and the rest of it is helpful. Yes Covid is still a thing, and will always be a thing. Putting in all these ridiculous measures is just reinforcing the OP's mother's perception that it is a major threat and something to be utterly terrified of. She is expecting everyone else to buy into her fears and that is not on.

It is very sad that almost 4 years on people are still living like it's March/April 2020. Not living any sort of life at all, but that's OK because Covid trumps all. I am not sure what advice to offer OP but it sounds really hard. Have you asked her how long she intends carrying on like this?

My DPs took covid very seriously, they are now 93&87 and DM has a lung condition too. However even they are out and about now going to shops and places in general. Still being careful, but living life properly.

I was also v.locked down over Covid as DD had a MH crisis and couldn't cope without me. I'm still not back to fully 'normal' though a lot better than 18 months ago.

I would say your DM definitely needs help now to ease herself back. At the moment I suspect it is can't not won't.

I think some people actually enjoy it

I know someone like this, I'm pretty sure she's praying we have another lockdown, she's not immune compromised either which would have gone some way of explaining it....