Mum STILL self-isolating

[Mumofteens4892]

My 70yr old mum has chronic asthma and is still self isolating from COVID. I'm actually pissed off that she's not coming for Christmas for the 4th xmas in a row. She lives on her own. She lives 5 miles away and we never see her.

AIBU to be utterly fed up?

Her immune system will no doubt pick up any bug going, after so long not going in shops or seeing anyone at all, so she has a good point, and it would be awful if she caught something from us at xmas, but where do we go from here?

@AussieManque you might want to actually read the discussion and conclusion of the link you have posted!!

I came here to say the same thing. My DM is 80 and immunocompromised due to medical she takes As soon as she could stop shielding she did. She is fully vaccinated but caught covid last year. Tested positive, called the doctor, sent to hospital for antiviral drip, home within 5 hours, and only had cold like symptoms. Her life is back to normal.

@ChocolateCinderToffee can I ask if you are 70 or thereabouts?

Because the OP's mother is only a few years older than me and there is no way I am ready to sit down, shut my self away, fence myself in!

The majority of 70 year olds are fit and healthy (even if they have asthma) , and out and about. Using cheap travel on trains and buses, having a social life, going on cruises and wintering on the Costas (if they can afford it - I can but wish!).

How do you how 70 yos feel?

I think to be honest I was kind of thinking the same thing out loud when I said some people have just revised their way of doing things post covid. I think many found they actually quite liked the way it freed up their schedule. We are all different: some love to be out and doing , which is what we have moved towards as a society in recent decades. But my grandparents ( who were not round during the pandemic) were from a different era. They went to bed early the night before “ going into town” and the next morning my grandfather would “bring the car out” about half an hour ahead of leaving. Off they went hatted and coated. The rest of the time they chatted by the fire, baked, tinkered, read, gardened, wrote letters “ inviting people to tea” - which precipitated another early night every so often. They couldn’t have been happier. Maybe OPs mum quite likes a slower pace, and to that extent it is a choice, which to dons extent she is entitled to make. But if she is missing healthcare and family she needs to be coaxed out. And summer give her less excuses/dampen her fears, depending on which the resistance is. Even my grandparents went to the doctor: “ I’ll bring the car out…”

A 70 year old relative is currently waiting for their appointment at a DVD clinic because they listened to people like the idiots on this thread and didnt wear a mask in a crowd. While covid may be mild for a lot of people it certainly is not for everyone. They were pretty ill for 2 weeks and are potentially at risk of a stroke or death. The risks of covid continue after you have apparently recovered.

If your mother would rather be alive and healthy than suffering for a couple of weeks with covid and possibly either dying from it or getting long covid who are you to tell her she is "mentally ill" or "suffering from health anxiety" as if that anxiety was not justified at her age and in her state of health.

Instead of showing your mother you dont care if you kill her how about promising that you will all take covid tests before she visits, seeing her outdoors when you can and finding places she can happily visit with you, like local gardens.

There are people who are vulnerable who are still isolating. It's not discussed much on social media because it's impossible to mention without certain groups seeing it as a chance to rehash their lockdown arguments.
There are also some people who have developed agoraphobia. Getting angry about it won't help. Maybe you could have a chat with your DM about what steps would make her feel comfortable coming for Christmas or encourage her to have a chat with her GP about how to approach it? Depending on where you are, there are Covid hubs that address vulnerabilities and MH impacts.

All asthma is chronic. Do you mean severe asthma with multiple hospital admissions each year? If she's not on oral steroids all the time she should still have a functioning immune system. She is over reacting and it sounds as though there is an anxiety/ agoraphobia element in this. 70 isn't that old to decide you will never leave the house. She's then reducing her fitness unless she walks outside alone a lot.
Some people with mild agoraphobia were glad of the excuse of Covid to stay at home all the time and it made their agoraphobia worse.

Immune systems don't need to be "trained" and in fact catching Covid can absolutely batter your immune system. I also have underlying (minor) health issues and was being very cautious for ages. Not self isolating but being very careful - no indoor gatherings, indoor meals, masking on transport, etc. I unfortunately gave in and let a friend gaslight me, because I was so fed up. Agreed to go to a small concert with them earlier this year to "get my life back". Had a lovely time, and guess what happened? I caught Covid, and I've been sick ever since, and I have less of a life than I had before, because now everything is more difficult. Almost bedridden for the best part of two months, and still have ongoing lung issues, joint pain, hair loss and fatigue, I've had shingles and caught multiple colds in the past few months. I'm 40, not 70, and this is how much it's affected me.

So no, we don't all just experience Covid as a bit of a cold, and plenty of people really do still get very sick with it. It would be one thing if she was 90 and had little time left anyway, but she could well be thinking that she doesn't want to lose the quality of life she does have now. I very much wish I'd carried on being cautious.

And as I forgot to mention it -relative with possible DVT was fully vaccinated. Vaccination reduces the risk of being hospitalised or dying, in older people it does not eliminate it. Not everyone is eligible for anti-virals, you have to be over 80 or very seriously ill. As an example- diabetics are known to be higher risk, dont seem to qualify.

This sounds more like a mental health issue. I would see if she could get online counseling.

Oh stop it! And quit the rudeness. Just because people aren't prepared to live their lives like you, it doesn't make them idiots. And someone dying from Covid hasn't been "killed by someone" either.

My dad caught a cold from someone (maybe one of his immediate family) when he had Alzheimer's. This developed into pneumonia and he died. Not once has anyone been as vile as to suggest that he was "killed" by someone.

I thought people had stopped spouting this kind of shit

I haven't been in many shops either or seen an optician or been on holiday abroad and I don't have a mental health condition. I'm not "over anxious" about covid in my opinion. I just don't want to get it as it could make me really ill.

Can you all do a covid test the day before or the day of Christmas and see if that would persuade her? So sad. I know asthma is a serious illness but I would think doctors could help if she caught covid and it wouldn't be necessarily that bad. I would have thought only those very ill with poor immune system should still be isolated like this.
There comes a time for getting on with life or what's the point?

What's a DVD clinic?

@WestwardHo1 Plenty of rudeness on this thread - suggesting people are mentally ill if they choose to live their lives differently. Covid shrinks the brain, effectively aging you, how many times have you had it? https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10063523/#:~:text=After%20being%20infected%20with%20COVID,et%20al.%2C%202022).

You can decide for yourself what risks you want to take, you dont get to decide for others. The person who gives others covid could kill them - that is simple fact, just one you prefer to pretend doesnt exist. Some people have no choice about say, working when they have covid, but OP does have a choice about whether to test before meeting someone more vulnerable. She does not appear to have suggested doing that.

There is definitely a halfway point that you can try to achieve in this situation. I have an underlying health condition and was very anxious about getting ill for a few years. Like your Mum, I get all shopping and prescriptions delivered, have a home hairdresser, avoid busy shops and don’t visit places that are crowded. Nowadays, I am happy to meet up with friends and family regularly but always say I won’t see them if anyone is unwell.

Does your Mum have any friends or other family members that she talks to regularly? Even when I am stuck at home, I like to chat to my friends online or by phone most days.

Would the family be in a position to holiday at a cottage somewhere next Christmas?

Does the same apply to any infectious disease then? Did you used to think the same about elderly deaths from, say, norovirus - that the person who inadvertently left the germs lying around had "killed" someone?

I've had Covid three times FYI. My mum who's 76 and has asthma and a form of TB has also had in twice - we're both fine. In fact she has an active social life. You did ask.

My issue isn't with suggestion that the OP takes a test before seeing her mum - though from what I hear now the virus has mutated so much, they're not much use anyway. It's the hysterical talk of "killing people".

@PinkCyclamen I had the antiviral drugs
Still off work for 3/4 weeks, couldn't breathe properly, lost all my fitness, no work commission and was under the covid at home ward
And that was with the anti virals!

The OP has never actually said if her mum is perfectly happy as she is. She's just said that she's pissed off that she's not attending Christmas.

All this 'you have to live life' and horror that she's having her shopping delivered, like going to asda is fun?! We switched to online supermarket shopping when lockdowns started and it's bloody brilliant! Some of us are able to lead perfectly happy lives while avoiding crowded indoor situations, I do a risk assessment for myself and decide if I will attend something, suggest meeting somewhere else, wear a mask, sit by a window or just not bother.

My interpretation of 'living with the virus' is to live my life and avoid catching unpleasant viruses where I can. They are not good for you.
Other people seem to be have interpreted it as an instruction to try to get as much of the virus to live within their body as they can.

I have serious doubts that it's a good tenant and suspect even people who manage to evict it will find that it trashed the place and put bluetac and toilet paper over the damage and kept a key.

So basically whilst she's trying not to die, she's not really living.

I feel for you OP

I don't agree with you but I like your skill at metaphor 😂

She may be perfectly happy with how she is living.

You are very right.

Declining to go to the opticians even though she needs new glasses. Which puts her at risk of falls, not to mention not being able to see her online shop order / the TV / reading materials properly.