Mum STILL self-isolating

[Mumofteens4892]

My 70yr old mum has chronic asthma and is still self isolating from COVID. I'm actually pissed off that she's not coming for Christmas for the 4th xmas in a row. She lives on her own. She lives 5 miles away and we never see her.

AIBU to be utterly fed up?

Her immune system will no doubt pick up any bug going, after so long not going in shops or seeing anyone at all, so she has a good point, and it would be awful if she caught something from us at xmas, but where do we go from here?

I think that's a mental health problem, not a Christmas organisation problem.

I'd try taking her out to gardens etc in open air as less anxiety making and move from there.

It sounds like she hasn't moved on from the 'you will likely die a horrible death' messaging, as I understand it even if with serious health issues, if you're vaccinated you're unlikely to be seriously ill.

In the UK. In December. It's 2c today, and dark by 4pm. Come for Christmas drinks with a side helping of hypothermia. How joyful and festive

Last year (or maybe it was 2021) it was about 15 degrees on Christmas Day - while that was an outlier, it is usually pretty mild and it is perfectly possible to spend time outside. More places are open on Christmas Day these days and you could probably get a takeaway coffee and go for a walk.

Not that that solves the wider mental health issue.

Or, offer to do some outdoor drinks/apéritif or similar before the main event, so she can join in part of the gathering.

By the sound of it, OP is in the UK. Seventysomething asthmatics hanging around outdoors in cold December weather is a recipe for trouble. Better to wait until spring and have a workable plan.

It was very unfortunate too that summer was so wet. Not been a great year for outdoor socialising, which I expect hasn't helped OPs mum with her isolation.

Not everyone who doesn't want to go out a lot and mix with loads of people at Christmas (including family they perhaps don't trust much) has a "mental health problem".🙄

Obviously not everyone who doesn't want to mix has a mental health problem @Fullofcaffeine . But didn't you read the REST of it? That this woman hasn't been in a shop since early 2020, is refusing to see an optician, insists on 10 days isolating before a holiday, etc etc etc.

That is not normal, however much the still-covid-anxious like to spin it.

My family have recently all had a cold & cough for a week. One member in a vulnerable category.
We have had covid & flu vaccinations
A week of taking medicines, rest etc

We are all glad that the covid restrictions have ended (a while ago now)
Have travelled internationally & locally
Been to work
Visited family & friends

I think that it is a real shame, that some people now choose to remain isolated & not live their lives to their full potential

Anyone read or seen the film, about the USA boy in the bubble ?

My mum is bit like this. Says proudly how she doesn’t see anyone or sees people outside at park run but doesn’t seem to realise that being near her grand daughter who is at secondary school is like sticking her head in a Petri dish. Is it not that thing where humans are very poor at assessing risk?

TBF I caught Covid the same week they lifted lockdown and the schools went back after 2 years of isolating. I had been vaccinated but developed long cyclic covid (with gastric covid).

I have always 'techincally' classed as having Asthma (can't run track or do heavy sports without gasping for air) but NEVER had asthma attacks or used inhalers etc... in just normal day to day life.

Since covid I have had random asthma attacks, they happen out of nowhere often at night when I am sat/lying down not doing anything. Feels like Im suddenly drowning. I have been told I need life long steroids for my lungs but they cause the gastric ulcers I have had since covid to bleed.

Its been a massive PITA that will effect me the rest of my life and doctors are still trying to come up with a plan.

Ironically I caught covid again last month and it was nothing but 2 days of sniffles that time, if it wasn't for vulnerable family I wouldn't have tested or known this time.

I don't blame someone who knows they are more vulnerable for being scared, you need your lungs to live it is more than just a cold to lots of people.

The thing is that now Covid is really no more deadly than Influenza, Chicken Pox, RSV, other random viruses if you are severely immunocompromised.

When DH was on Chemo well before COVID we basically isolated for the 6 months, avoiding crowded indoor places etc because we had a young baby and could still do outdoor stuff like walking.

If we'd had an older kid (school age) or the restrictions were going to be long term we'd have made different choices because life is for living...

COVID isn't that special any more, we're probably more aware of personal space and hygiene and resent the idiots who come into work unnecessarily when symptomatic of anything (COVID or not, don't share a respiratory virus please) but all the long term and bad effects are quite possible with flu and other viruses too. There are vaccines, treatments have been developed so it's on a par with existing nasties rather than being a tier on its own!

Asthma is no longer on the list of illnesses that need special consideration of covid?

and this is why those of us who are vulnerable, or just don't want to catch something that often persists in the body causing ongoing health problems have to be so careful, people with your attitude make it dangerous for us.

Those "ridiculous measures" are what keep us safe and not dead. I'm using my ridiculous measures and having a very nice life thank you.

I'm intrigued by the interpretation of 'living with' covid by most.

How do people live with, I don't know, the threat of bears in areas where wild bears are around? do they:

a) pretend there are no bears, if a bear eats you it eats you, c'est la vie (ha) you have to live your life and anyone that tries not to is being paranoid
or
b) lock doors to keep bears out of your house, don't leave vulnerable people in the bear's den, try to carry on with life while not being eaten

I mean, if you were particularly tasty to bears and unable to run away or defend yourself, you might be excused for not wanting to go to bear baiting parties with everyone else and instead stay at home having a nice time not being eaten by bears too...

The previous poster didn't say that everyone who doesn't 'want to go out a lot and mix with loads of people' has a mental health problem. But I suspect you know that really and are just looking for ways to take this thread personally.

My SiL is still in living in March 2020. She only goes out whenever absolutely necessary and then wears masks outside the house. What I find saddest about it is that she has imposed this regime on my niece, who has had her teenaged years ruined by it. No parties, no activities outside of school, being the only kid wearing a mask. My SiL is not mentally well and there is no point trying to talk to her. She also lives 1000s of km away so there is no popping by. The whole thing makes me sad. Occasionally she sends me rants about how I should be living the same way, which I ignore (some other family members have now blocked her).

I have friends like this.

Who have become semi reclusive, imprisoned by fear and their own habit.

I do think many of us grow steadily more cautious and watchful for problems as we grow older and leave behind the often unbounded optimism of youth. And Covid hit many people at a pivotal moment.

MH damage is the other form of long covid, IMO.

I don’t know what you can do. Raise it with her directly, or keep including her in outings and meet ups in a breezy no nonsense sort of way.

But YANBU. This ‘be kind’ thing is all very well, but we also need to recognise that people’s sensitivities, anxieties, MH issues etc also take a toll on everyone else.

I sometimes feel I can’t arrange a simple meeting or outing without navigating a maze of phobias, fears, dietary preferences etc.

Start by respecting her. How often do you see her? Do you make an effort to go around and meet her outside in the summer, like in the garden and such?

Because if you don’t see much of her anyway and are then just expecting her to come to yours for Christmas, and are ‘fed up’ it sounds like it’s your relationship that needs a bit of tolerance - from both you and her towards each other. If she’s very risk averse and you just expect her to go from 0 to 100 it kind of shows that you don’t really get her.

I have a relative like this , but unlike your mum she is young and has no health issues . I think she enjoyed covid and lockdowns sadly and can afford not to work and chooses if she wants to spend time with people ( outside ) of course . I think the only thing you can do is support your mum , offer catch ups via outdoor walks etc . It appears with your DM that it’s become a way of life . Maybe gradual outings in non threatening , open spaces could help .

No. Of course not. But lots do. So what’s wrong with offering that as an opinion?

My Mum has bad asthma too, shes had covid twice now (caught both times at weddings) and suprisingly hasn't had any cough or lung issues. The first time she had it, I caught it too and it really went to my chest but it didn't effect her lungs at all, everyone at that wedding who caught it had lung issues but her. Her doctor says its because of her steroid inhaler.

She felt absolutely rotten both times but no lung issues at all

(sorry, meant quote PP asking if OP makes an effort with her mum - she does)

The OP posts contain the answer to this.

OP, do you think she likes living this way? It's quite possible she does. I've lost friends for this reason.

I really feel for her.
She must be so afraid.

That said, this has been a fear and anxiety routine that has become concrete despite the fact that the world has opened up and covid is endemic.
My 80 year old dad has just had it, and for him it was a head cold for 4 days or so before symptoms subsided (despite staying +ve for another 6 days)

Can you or a GP speak to her about her anxieties, because she's so afraid for her life that she's having no life, which is a tragic catch 22.

I meant to quote this post, yes, OP posts explain this.

Life is a finite length, no matter how old you are.

Its so sad - your mum is wasting precious time she could be spending with her family, for something that might not happen.

Barely leaving the house since the pandemic is definitely not normal behaviour.

I think it could definitely qualify as a mental health issue. Your mum OP needs some CBT and exposure therapy. Of course every decision here is a risk-benefit discussion but her behaviour is way beyond normal. Does she acknowledge that she is behaving in an extreme and potentially irrational way? If she doesn’t, then there is no point trying to organise therapy. But she is missing out on what life is meant to be about.

@Mumofteens4892
sorry if I am stating the obvious here, but have you thought about offering to do covid tests on yourself/the rest of the family in the immediate days before Christmas? It’s no guarantee of course, but if everyone’s tests are negative, it might give her the confidence she needs to take the risk to attend the large gathering that is Christmas, and it is a risk that only she can decide whether to take. We have an immune compromised person in our family and we are all super careful. It makes him feel better and allows us all to be together at Christmas and other gatherings.

This is some type of health anxiety/OCD, agoraphobia that needs treatment.

Medication and therapy works wonders.