Mum STILL self-isolating

[Mumofteens4892]

My 70yr old mum has chronic asthma and is still self isolating from COVID. I'm actually pissed off that she's not coming for Christmas for the 4th xmas in a row. She lives on her own. She lives 5 miles away and we never see her.

AIBU to be utterly fed up?

Her immune system will no doubt pick up any bug going, after so long not going in shops or seeing anyone at all, so she has a good point, and it would be awful if she caught something from us at xmas, but where do we go from here?

What I find sad is a bunch of people projecting and judging this woman by how they choose to live their lives.

The OP's DM doesn't want to catch Covid, and she would rather not catch Covid than spend Christmas with her family. That's her choice.

OP, rather than try to put pressure on your DM to be the mum you want, I would look at how you can adapt to be the daughter she needs. Can you video call her more often? Can you do watch parties, so you're both watching the same show remotely and chatting about it? Can you send presents to her in the post or drop them and run?

Rather than think of her as someone hiding 5 miles down the road (which is how you clearly see her), why not treat her like your lovely mum who lives half way around the world? If you lived really far apart, you would work at keeping your relationship with lots of calls and texts. Just apply that same logic.

What a life

She's been brainwashed by the media

It would be sad if this is how her later life is spent

In case it has not been mentioned, it might be worth seeing if there is a "domiciliary optician" service in her area. They come to your house.

Otherwise good luck and agree that starting slowly with things like outdoor cafes at quiet times is the way to go. Trouble is she is now almost bound to catch something. The alternative is avoiding life altogether.

Could therapy help? maybe via Zoom if she's not prepared to travel out of the house? This is beyond anxiety.

Your poor mum - she will not be doing it to upset you, she is just so anxious it is crippling and if she is not getting out and about could be depressed too which will only exacerbate her fears.

I would try to get her to contact her GP for support, a pp mentioned they had therapy and it helped. Or look up ways to to cope with health anxiety to advice.

But as someone who lost their mum to covid, I would say do everything you can to support her with this. I would love to be able to visit mine again, or take her on a walk somewhere she felt comfortable and try to gently allay her fears and expand her life as much as possible.

Just let her get on with it. If that's the way she wants to live her life then just leave her to it. She isn't the only person to do this, it's not logical.

What nonsense.

Systematic review and meta-analyses have shown no statistically significant differences in outcomes in terms of hospitalisation, ICU admission and ventilator use for those with asthma.

Your mum's in her 70s and been effectively housebound for several years so, as you say, her immune system won't be in the best shape and in the winter there are plenty of other illnesses circulating - not just Covid. If she picks up so much as a sniffle it'll just reinforce her fears.

She's lost the ability to work out risk. Agree with PP that if you want to encourage your mum back to a more "normal" life then maybe it's better to try in the spring/summer so you can do things outdoors and build up her confidence that being outside her home isn't risky.

I have permanent hearing loss as a result of a really minor illness so I'm more cautious than most about post-virus complications. It means I've permanently adjusted what I consider to be risky. Even though I live a perfectly normal life - work, go out, see friends and family - I still avoid the worst Christmas crowds (and public transport in rush hour!) because I want to minimise the chance of getting ill again. So if you want to coax your mum out I think you'll have to minimise the chance for her too. And Christmas might not be the best time to do it.

@NoraBattysCurlers read my post again. I said it's a risk factor for long COVID (as is allergic rhinitis). I didn't mention a word about hospitalisation.

Long COVID and asthma aside, there's also evidence infection increases the risk of Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, diabetes type 1 and 2, causes immune system damage and neurological problems. It makes sense to take precautions to avoid infection, whatever your age.

onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/cea.14391?utm_medium=email&utm_source=publicity&utm_content=WRH_11_6_23&utm_term=CEA

As pp have said, the problem now is psychiatric/anxiety related. Would counselling/CBT (done online or via the phone if she can't do the former) be a way forward?

@AussieManque you clearly don't understand the words, "very low certainty evidence."

Having lost 3 close family members to cancer since March 2020 including my husband, Covid is not the only thing that can kill you and you cannot prevent all risk. All you can do is weigh up how much risk you are prepared to take, accept that really bad things still happen, and try to live your life.

I think most posters are sympathetic, but as the saying goes, none of us are getting out of here alive. It’s not unreasonable to suspect anxiety and depression are causing this level of isolation.

This is a worrying mental health issue, and she is not that old. She could easily live another twenty years - when is she going to go out? Does she relax her self-imposed restrictions in the summer? Has she had her seasonal flu and Covid jabs?

@Mumofteens4892

your mum can do what she wants, end of the day.

For goodness sake - not this again!

The OP's DM doesn't want to catch Covid, and she would rather not catch Covid than spend Christmas with her family. That's her choice.

It is her choice, but no choice is without consequence. The consequence of this choice is that OP feels hurt and a bit abandoned, and I think many of us would feel the same.

She can. And some of it, like avoiding shops, is a different strokes for different folks situation.

But OPs mum is also avoiding necessary optical care. Which is a real worry.

We did something similar. In Switzerland, in February. It certainly wasn´t warm and toasty...

In OP´s situation (and if her set-up allows/she has a suitable outside space) I would probably buy a patio heater and install some sort of rain cover (if there is no roof / covered area). A fire pit would be nice as well.

Wear appropriate clothes, serve hot drinks, offer blankets and invite my mother for 1 - 2 hours for a little outdoor party.
The danger oh hypothermia seems exceedingly low to me....

You may call that pandering. And there may be some truth to that. But it seems like a good solution if the OP wants her mother to come.

My Dad and his wife are the same. He goes to buy food once a week all masked up but that’s it. His wife hasn’t been out since 2020 and it does affect both their mental healths. No-one is allowed in the house and they are even funny about people standing at the end of the driveway to talk to them outside in case they need to use the loo or come inside for some reason. Where they live, GP service is shocking but even if they could get an appointment he wouldn’t talk about it with them. Think they are just both waiting to die. Very very sad

My mum lives with us and hardly goes out either since 2020.

She can now hardly walk anywhere after being pretty mobile and fit before then, pottering about into the village, walking the dog, seeing people.

Her friend became completely agoraphobic, depressed and then just decided not to get out of bed at all. Is now very ill and in palliative care.

You can only do some much as it is up to the individual to stay active and get out there.

But a lot of older people just became scared of the world in 2020 and have not recovered. Not surprising, given they tend to watch a lot of TV and we had full on brainwashing across the media for months and months.

While you could indeed test on Christmas Day, in the hope that your Mum would see you, would a test pick up this new strain of Covid that’s going round … the one we have to “treat it as a cold”

There was a thread on here several weeks ago, where we were all talking about how ill we’d been and it felt much more than a cold.

I ended up at the Doctors for antibiotics for a middle ear infection and the GP said they (NHS?) are assuming it’s a new strain of Covid that doesn’t show up in tests.

@NoraBattysCurlers and yet one if the 3 key messages from that study remains that

• Pre-existing asthma measured in a hospital-based population and pre-existing rhinitis was associated with increased risk of LC.

Here's another study that wasn't included in the meta review above (published after cut off date) which concludes
"In conclusion, patients with severe asthma are at an increased risk of developing long COVID, while eosinophilic and T2-asthma could protect against complications of prolonged COVID" so there is some reassuring news for asthma sufferers, including "Exacerbations, asthma control (measured by ACT), and lung function parameters appeared to be unaffected by COVID-19, at least in most patients"
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9755318/

In any case, we are all at risk of long COVID, there are plenty of people who are perfectly healthy who develop it, it's really a gamble with each infection. Some of us choose to take measures to reduce that risk by masking or not socializing indoors or testing before meeting others, and it's nothing to do with anxiety like so many mumsnetters are always so quick to conclude. We're just exercising the precautionary principle against a non-trivial disease.

That's not self isolating it's anxiety. Small steps is the answer you need to do things with her thats out her comfort zone but not extreme like going for a walk together then build up from their Google exposure therapy.

See I see why you’re worried but at the same time it depends if she’s miserable or happy with her new life. My mum takes possibly too many precautions but her my Aunty and uncle are happy out having their little circle, not going as many places etc etc. People saying it’s awful they’re living in fear, they’re not, because they feel safe living as they do. And I think Christmas wise unfortunately there’s so many bugs and yes covid around I actually understand . Just giving another perspective though I know head wrecking. Mum is immunocompromised and we haven’t been able to see her or my Aunty (even more immunocompromised) every Christmas since 2017 because the kids keep getting sick just before!!

Yes this reminds me of my dad. He wouldn’t even come to the doorstep in jan 2021 to talk to us … opened a small wi dow instead to talk to us. Haven’t seen much of him since tbh. I suppose as they get older they scared of the inevitable.