Mum STILL self-isolating

[Mumofteens4892]

My 70yr old mum has chronic asthma and is still self isolating from COVID. I'm actually pissed off that she's not coming for Christmas for the 4th xmas in a row. She lives on her own. She lives 5 miles away and we never see her.

AIBU to be utterly fed up?

Her immune system will no doubt pick up any bug going, after so long not going in shops or seeing anyone at all, so she has a good point, and it would be awful if she caught something from us at xmas, but where do we go from here?

The government were clear that their messaging was designed to scare the pants off people. Clearly it worked on many my people at the time and others bang move past that. Despite having had vaccines and boosters.

@AussieManque , obviously, you have your mind made up already.

For anyone concerned about any of the above, I would like to point to the words, "very low certainty evidence."

We had a family member in their late 80s who died late last year having never gone out after Covid, other than to put the bins out and get their jabs, despite being physically able. Was very distressed about having to go to hospital (where they died after a couple of weeks) and was a nightmare patient to paramedics and hospital staff (wanting to stay in their home) - not their normal character. They had no relevant health problems regarding Covid but were terrified of catching it. We feel that the health issue that killed them would have probably been picked up much sooner if they hadn't self isolated not to mention they might have made an appointment with their GP. It was very sad and I wouldn't be surprised if there are a lot of elderly people who have done or are doing this - basically putting themselves under house arrest. This family member was happy to let family come in unmasked though (which we found odd) as obviously family aren't going to pass on a virus!

For goodness sake - not this again!

So? I am allowed to post this you know, it's a public forum...

I wonder if the real risk of developing Alzheimer's due to loneliness, isolation and lack of social stimuli is greater or less than the risk of developing Alzheimer's due to Covid infection?

Op, would your mum feel at all reassured if she was eligible for anti-virals following a positive test? If so, maybe that is something she could check into - would her asthma make her eligible.
For context, I was in the shielding category , tested positive a couple of months ago, and got the anti-virals same day. They kicked in very quickly, and I am fine. Maybe her GP could reassure her on that point ?

If you were your mother’s age you would be very keen to preserve your health in any way you could.

Or she might feel the complete opposite, you've had a good life and any risks are worth taking so you can make the most of the rest of your life, even if it means that life may be shorter.

I understand your frustration OP but I wonder if now is the best time to be looking to resolve things. I was at the GP about two weeks ago and he apologised that he was just winding up a self test when I went in and said he would be half a minute longer but that they are needing to test regularly again as covid is circulating and causing real problems for the elderly and vulnerable. On top of that Christmas is always a bad time for germs anyway with everyone inside and socialising at work parties, school carol singing in the lead up, more crowds in the shops etc. It would be a big step back in helping your mum venture out longer term if she did pick it up. But I would speak to her about agreeing a plan over the spring and summer to build up her confidence- starting with trips to parks, outdoor cafes etc. In fairness, she has been quite resourceful with the trip with her friend etc. And some people just don’t miss the shopping crowds etc as much as others. Many have tweaked their schedules post covid. Healthcare is a bit more worrying … But if you really want to pursue the Christmas get together could you “ pander” to her fears by all testing before?

Same situation- my mum lives other side of country so family haven’t seen her for 4 years ( her choice). Unfortunately she has become very ill and when we visited in hospital she was very tearful. Not sure if she will ever get home but definitely regret there

Seriously, I don’t think asthma exacerbates Covid:
‘Recent findings: Patients with asthma are neither at greater risk of becoming infected by SARS-CoV-2 nor they are at risk of complications of COVID-19but those requiring frequent use of oral corticosteroid may be at greater risk.’
There are probably bigger things at stake here.

DH (cancer) and I were/sort of still are a bit your mum.

we decided we had to make the effort o get out more at beginning of September, three weeks in we got a cold, it lasted six blinking weeks, we were horrendous. I think Covid would have probably been easier (well for me maybe, and DH can have the infusion, he’s had it before so we know it works).

we obviously had no immunity left after three and half years indoors, we wore masks a lot when we did go out. Now we are just trying to live more BUT we did both last week wear masks during half term when we inadvertently went to huge shopping centre not realising kids were off school.

I was grieving for a life we’d lost, we are slowly getting there, there are a couple of things I’m still avoiding but a wi meeting of fifty people in a small hall with no ventilation is a breeding ground for all sorts of bugs even before Covid.

I don’t have any answers OP but we were your mum and it’s really hard to move on, maybe as PP see if she’s eligible for the Covid medication.

My mum is the same at 77 - but she was just waiting for the opportunity for many years. She had a covid jab but states she now has long covid and a doctor told her that she got it from the vaccine.
I phoned her yesterday as not spoken to her for weeks. She was too busy to talk as she was feeding the cat and had to write a shopping list (for someone else to get her shopping for her). She is increasingly mistrustful of the world - but it started long before covid. She is not changing either.

No one is disputing covid is here…or doing the rounds….or another variant etc…and yes of course it can be debilitating..
But…at what point will you start to live? Trust me…something could happen overnight that could change your life forever (it did to our family) and I don’t want to waste my life missing out on beautiful moments.
We lost our 8 year old daughter suddenly in January…no warning. (Nothing to do with a virus). She was vulnerable and had significant disabilities. One thing I will always be thankful for is that we gave her a full life not ruled by fear. We could have wrapped her up and kept her hidden to ‘protect’ her but we didn’t. She loved her life…how many of us can truly say that?

Live x

I was very scared of covid as I had it in the first wave and was seriously ill plus I’m prone to anxiety. So I had about 1.5 years of being isolated, it took me a year to fully recover from covid. I am still scared but had a realisation that I was experiencing what I call almost a living death by isolating. Now I’m doing a voluntary job, dance class and other stuff. I started by doing outdoor things and volunteer at an allotment. I’m still wary of enclosed crowded and stuffy environments. I do have a minor heart condition as well.

Your Mum is anxious so you can’t reason, she needs her own ephipany. One of the main reasons I had mine was two of my friends died, nothing to do with covid. We are only in our fifties it was so very sad and I realised maybe I will die and have done nothing for the last years of my life. I do things like go out for dinner very early as soon as restaurants open so it’s less busy.

There is being alive and there is just existing and they are very different states.

She was 67 when she started this

That’s interesting. I have asthma and have had covid three times and it notably has not affected my lungs at all. I have had a hunch that it could be connected to my asthma inhaler, but not checked it out with anyone medical.

She's 70 not ancient!

DH is 70 and I have family in their 80s and 90s. None of them think that staying staying indoors all the time is an acceptable trade off for avoiding Covid. DH was horrified when there was talk about over 65s shielding during the pandemic and was very clear he wouldn't be doing it. My 88 year old uncle has rediscovered his love of going to the theatre.

@Unitedthebest, your post is very moving and thought provoking and I'm so sorry for your loss 💐

YABU.

You are validating and normalising it here by saying she is still self isolating.

She isn't. She's developed agoraphobia and social anxiety.

Start labelling it correctly and directly rather than pandering to her.

I can only compare to my own mother, who is 78 and asthmatic. She is also losing her sight to macular degeneration and absolutely determined to make the most of the seeing years that she has left. For her, avoiding active involvement in her children and grandchildren's lives is an existence, not a life, and beyond sensible precautions she is determined to enjoy the fullness of life. Don't make ageist generalisations about a woman nearly a decade younger than her.

I’m so sorry for your loss 🩷

@Calliopespa love your username.

""In fairness, she has been quite resourceful with the trip with her friend etc"

Actually, that would upset me more.

One (former) friend of mine went to a holiday cottage with her husband. She sat in the car while he went in and disinfected everything but there were still people in there until at least the day before she used it.

So she was willing to do that but would only consider meeting me outdoors and masked and keeping distance - that was last summer. Her garden was effectively off limits to me too because I wasn't allowed to use the toilet.

I respect OP mum has the right to live as she chooses but I can't help thinking, to some extent this is a choice and not an anxiety problem.

I equally understand that OP mum may not want to be around little kids.

But I wouldn't rush to assume it's an anxiety problem. She's letting a hairdresser into her home and gone to a holiday cottage that was likely vacated the day before.

I don't how long Covid can stay airborne or on surfaces though.

some people are genuinely scared, sone have crossed over into anxiety, but I don't think OP mum can claim that.

I know of a few people like this. I think not going out and living your life or seeing your loved ones because you’re scared of dying is just awful. I would rather die early than have that be my life permanently.

Maybe OP's mum has been reading threads like this and thinking 'no thanks':
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4945509-to-ask-if-you-have-this-horrible-cold
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/coronavirus/4914126-long-covid-please-tell-me-it-gets-better

With any luck there might be a sterlising vaccine soon so next Christmas the problem will be solved: https://www.healthcentral.com/condition/coronavirus/are-covid-nasal-vaccines-on-the-way