DH asked why I hate his mother

[GelatinousDynamo]

My husband and I have been married for 2 years, together for 9 years. Yesterday he asked me why I hate his mother, told me that it makes him sad because she always goes to so much trouble to please everyone. I don't hate his mother, I told him so, but he doesn't believe me. I told him that I don't hate her, but that I do dislike her because her "pleasing everyone" thing is just an act, that she just basically always ignores everyone's actual wishes and does as she pleases, so I prefer to keep my distance. He's now in a huff, because apparently I just decided to dislike her for no reason and am being petty. So AIBU to dislike her, am I being irrational? Sorry but this is going to be a long one:

It's true that I don't particularly like her. It would be easier if I could just name one strong reason for my dislike, but it's more the bigger picture. I'll try to describe a few situations where his mother "stood out negatively":

• She always tells me to tell her honestly if something goes too far or I don't like anything she does. But when I did talk to her once (she - out of the blue - started ironing clothes, including my underwear, and I asked her never to do that again) I found out later that she told my husband how much I had hurt her, when all she wanted to do was help.
• She interferes everywhere. She looks in every drawer, even rearranged our kitchen utensils because "it's better this way". She basically treats our house as hers, I had to beg my husband to not give his parents our new keys, because they used the old ones to just let themselves in whenever - of course, always "to help out", which we have never asked for.
• Our wedding. My mum died a year before our wedding. During all the preparations, she kept hinting that she wished to replace my mother in certain situations, kept reminding me that "you don't have a mother". For me, the loss was still very raw, I missed my mum every step of the way, and these comments really hurt me, so I distanced myself from her and stopped telling or showing her stuff. She wanted to help me prepare on the day of the wedding, but I declined - I preferred just spending the morning with my oldest friend. But she came to my hotel room anyway, together with two of her sisters-in-law, then just sat there, and kept asking me if I liked her dress - I honestly couldn't care less about her dress on my own wedding day. She also ignored our wishes and tried to enforce "family traditions". The evening of the wedding, she pulled my husband aside and started crying because she didn't feel involved and hated being left out. She has been left out and I could understand her wanting to address that - but the decision to do that on our wedding day, and ruin our wedding for my husband, was a conscious, premeditated decision and totally inappropriate in my opinion.
• Another example is our puppy. Where should I even begin? He doesn't like her because she won't leave him alone. She constantly tries to cuddle and stroke him. No dog likes being touched constantly, so he avoids her. I've tried to tell her to give him some space, that he'll come to her on his own terms, but she won't listen. Instead she has started to feed the dog mountains of treats. I've asked her a thousand times not to give him so many - I have no problem with her giving him the occasional treat, but 200g of beef for a little puppy is just too much, and he gets sick afterwards. She completely ignores me - I stand there asking her to stop overfeeding the dog, and she just continues shoving beef into him... She is so concetrated on her own pleasure while feeding him that she just doesn't care that she's actually potentially hurting him.

I think that's the main problem I have with her - she always knows best and is always very keen on telling everyone what a helpful, involved person she is. For me, she just always has to be the center of attention. She only has one child and only brothers, she is adored in the family and her wishes always take priority. Her "always trying to please everyone" is in my opinion just an act, because she does not really care about the wishes and preferences of other people, she just does as she wants. It's hard to put in words, it seems petty to dislike her for all these little things, but I just can't get over it. Her handling of our puppy has made me reconsider having kids with my husband (he will tell her "no" once but then not react when she does as she pleases anyway, because "she means well"). So AIBU to dislike her so, am I being petty and is my husband right that I should just let it all go and try more?

You’re not unreasonable to dislike someone, if you dislike them. You can’t like everyone.

Your DH is unreasonable for asking a question and then getting into a huff because he doesn’t like the answer. Just don’t ask the question.

The old Mumsnet classic "you also have a DH problem" seems true here. You know it too, you're rethinking having children with him; if you want children, you're halfway to deciding that the marriage is over...

I would have your husband read what you've told us here. If the show were on the other foot, he wouldn't like her either. Your MIL is intrusive, disrespectful, and incredibly self-absorbed.

Also, if your husband isn't going to like the answer, he shouldn't ask.

Boundaries: relationships are are all about boundaries and she isn’t respectful of yours. Perhaps DH needs to reflect on how his Mother’s lack of boundaries is affecting your affection for your MIL and your respect for him. Ignoring uncomfortable truths isn’t good for a marriage. She sounds power mad, a lot of people who are frustrated with their own lot in life, love to intrude into the lives of others.

She sounds a complete pita. Just because you are married doesn't mean you have to like his relatives even his mother.
Dh has at least four twatish relatives [all billy big bollock types] of whom I wouldn't piss on if they were on fire.

I think, based on what you are saying, that your dislike comes from her disregarding boundaries you have set. I've experienced similar with in laws and when I've asserted myself and asked that certain things are not done e.g. going in to our bedroom when "helping out", then I'm painted as being unkind.

I've learned over the years to compromise and try and leave smaller things slide, but major things like MIL raising concerns about DS to his teacher, I address clearly and firmly.

I also try not to get sucked in to any drama. If DP mentions MIL being upset by something, I tell him that she's capable of speaking to me herself.

^ This!!

As you say op, you need to sort this issue before you have any dc. I must admit I think you are right to reconsider as ime these family dynamics never change.

And sorry but you definitely have a dh problem.

It's the crying and whining that gets to me. I have very little to no empathy so that shit winds me up. Be kind / you're not being kind so fucking what?

It sounds like MiL has complained to your DH about you "hating" her.

Here's the thing: you can't make yourself like her, but she COULD take steps to stop you disliking her. The ball is entirely in her court and - to the extent that he needs to take action on your behalf - your DH's.

Don't have children with this man. Yanbu.

She doesn't push boundaries she trampled them and he takes her side!

This sums it up well.

You're in for a hell of a ride if you have children, if your husband maintains this mindset.

She'll become more intrusive if he doesn’t tell her to catch a grip and there’ll be a circle of resentment around you all.

Can you move abroad? Mine is pretty similar and this saved my marriage / sanity (one of them would have gone, hard to tell which!)

Bloody mothers and their sons!

Complete wuss's when they have to tackle their own mothers and thie wives get the blame for everything....
Your problem is your husband.

Unfortunately for you, from what you say this is her accepted role in the family, and she actually seems loved for it. That’s the dynamic and relationship that has built up, it’s gone on for lifetimes and you aren’t going to be able to change it.

I don’t really have any advice for you. It would drive me potty. In a situation with someone in my life who would never change, my psychologist said, if you can’t cut this person out of your life, your only choice is radical acceptance. That doesn’t mean you think what that person is doing is ok, but if they will never change, your only option is to accept it and change how you respond to them. And that’s a hard thing to do.

I would say you need to be more active. For example, with the puppy, if she ignored you and kept feeding it, simply remove the puppy from the situation. Be polite but firm, saying the puppy will get sick.

Ref the just walking into your house. My grandparents did this with my aunt and uncle. Until the day they walked in and my uncle was padding about the house in the nude. They never entered without calling in advance again....top tip

This is good advice.

I have a few firm boundaries beyond that I let
things slide but always make sure DH is aware / sees my “benevolence” 😇😅 and the effort I am making.

A lot of advice is often around “get your DH to manage his family” but I found that is rubbish and creates triangulation which MIL thrives on. So now I deliver the message myself and in neutral tone and essentially politely repeat myself until she stops. If she goes to DH to cry behind my back I will directly say DH told me you are upset do you want to discuss X?

I'm gonna come from the other side. My parrner dislikes my parents (and siblings) and it is something I'm still trying to come to terms with. I understand why he doesn't like them. But I don't view them the same way he does and because I grew up with them we share certain kind of way of talking, knowing when it can be ignored and knowing when it can be called out. It really sucks and it is really stressful to navigate.

It sounds like you have reasons to dislike her. Have you talked with your husband about how he can set boundaries, could he talk to her?(my bf doesn't want me to talk to my family about this so I'm asking sure you've asked your husband to do that) I don't think it will massively change but I'm guessing you and your husband both knowing what you're ok with regarding meeting and boundaries will make it easier (like you won't come to Sunday lunches every week but will do twice a year and do some special occasions etc.)

Thing is, I was not so sure about having children (mostly because I have a high risk of getting cancer due to genetics - all women in my family died of cancer - and would not want my own kids to lose their mum as I did), but DH desperately wants to be a dad. We discussed it years ago and I agreed that we would have one, but now I'm doubting everything again.

Is she ill-meaning or just a bit of a dick?

A relative of mine did things like this but with malice she was purposefully trying to stir things and cause problems.

My sil does things like this but it’s because she means well.

so that really matters. If it’s the latter cut her some slack and try to understand WHY she’s like this. If it’s being golden child/some trauma in her past/whatever, it can help you sympathise and find it less irritating. Your husband should, however, politely enforce some boundaries.

If it’s the first you’re on a hiding to nothing as she will have convinced her son she’s the victim from when he was young and he’s never going to change his behaviour towards her - you will always be the villain.

I think that's it, it's the disregarding of boundaries that's bothering me. My DH doesn't seem to mind it as much as I do, it seems normal to him that his mum "helps out", I guess it's just how it's always been. I was raised differently, my parents would never have dropped everything to please me (his parents used to wash his windows twice a year until I came along) and it bothers me.

I think you may be right, which just pisses me off more

I wish! But then they would probably just visit all the time and stay for weeks on end

I didn't like my 'mother in law' (been with partner 14 and a half years, not married) either - she was two-faced, always acted the victim and pandered to her racist, misogynist, homophobic, sexist husband. She also tried to make my partner her 'faux husband'...it was utterly pathetic.

I've been no contact with my partner's parents for 9 and a half years. The last time I had any sort of contact was when partner went around to see them last Christmas, rang me and tried to put her on the phone. I refused to talk to her. She died unexpectedly two months ago...I don't regret any of my actions for one moment. I didn't like her and that's not changed because she's dead.

Your husband was stupid to ask the question, and any upset he's now feeling is totally down to him.

This^^.

TBH she does sound like a nightmare and what she did re. Your mum/wedding was disgraceful.

I’m very sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is devastating and the way your MIL acted was cruel (even if she did not mean to be that just makes her an insensitive bellend) you should make that clear to your husband.

IMHO YABU to tell your husband that you dislike his mother. It's ok not to like her but I think you should try to be nice to and about her, at least in front of your husband. We all have our flaws.