DH asked why I hate his mother

[GelatinousDynamo]

My husband and I have been married for 2 years, together for 9 years. Yesterday he asked me why I hate his mother, told me that it makes him sad because she always goes to so much trouble to please everyone. I don't hate his mother, I told him so, but he doesn't believe me. I told him that I don't hate her, but that I do dislike her because her "pleasing everyone" thing is just an act, that she just basically always ignores everyone's actual wishes and does as she pleases, so I prefer to keep my distance. He's now in a huff, because apparently I just decided to dislike her for no reason and am being petty. So AIBU to dislike her, am I being irrational? Sorry but this is going to be a long one:

It's true that I don't particularly like her. It would be easier if I could just name one strong reason for my dislike, but it's more the bigger picture. I'll try to describe a few situations where his mother "stood out negatively":

• She always tells me to tell her honestly if something goes too far or I don't like anything she does. But when I did talk to her once (she - out of the blue - started ironing clothes, including my underwear, and I asked her never to do that again) I found out later that she told my husband how much I had hurt her, when all she wanted to do was help.
• She interferes everywhere. She looks in every drawer, even rearranged our kitchen utensils because "it's better this way". She basically treats our house as hers, I had to beg my husband to not give his parents our new keys, because they used the old ones to just let themselves in whenever - of course, always "to help out", which we have never asked for.
• Our wedding. My mum died a year before our wedding. During all the preparations, she kept hinting that she wished to replace my mother in certain situations, kept reminding me that "you don't have a mother". For me, the loss was still very raw, I missed my mum every step of the way, and these comments really hurt me, so I distanced myself from her and stopped telling or showing her stuff. She wanted to help me prepare on the day of the wedding, but I declined - I preferred just spending the morning with my oldest friend. But she came to my hotel room anyway, together with two of her sisters-in-law, then just sat there, and kept asking me if I liked her dress - I honestly couldn't care less about her dress on my own wedding day. She also ignored our wishes and tried to enforce "family traditions". The evening of the wedding, she pulled my husband aside and started crying because she didn't feel involved and hated being left out. She has been left out and I could understand her wanting to address that - but the decision to do that on our wedding day, and ruin our wedding for my husband, was a conscious, premeditated decision and totally inappropriate in my opinion.
• Another example is our puppy. Where should I even begin? He doesn't like her because she won't leave him alone. She constantly tries to cuddle and stroke him. No dog likes being touched constantly, so he avoids her. I've tried to tell her to give him some space, that he'll come to her on his own terms, but she won't listen. Instead she has started to feed the dog mountains of treats. I've asked her a thousand times not to give him so many - I have no problem with her giving him the occasional treat, but 200g of beef for a little puppy is just too much, and he gets sick afterwards. She completely ignores me - I stand there asking her to stop overfeeding the dog, and she just continues shoving beef into him... She is so concetrated on her own pleasure while feeding him that she just doesn't care that she's actually potentially hurting him.

I think that's the main problem I have with her - she always knows best and is always very keen on telling everyone what a helpful, involved person she is. For me, she just always has to be the center of attention. She only has one child and only brothers, she is adored in the family and her wishes always take priority. Her "always trying to please everyone" is in my opinion just an act, because she does not really care about the wishes and preferences of other people, she just does as she wants. It's hard to put in words, it seems petty to dislike her for all these little things, but I just can't get over it. Her handling of our puppy has made me reconsider having kids with my husband (he will tell her "no" once but then not react when she does as she pleases anyway, because "she means well"). So AIBU to dislike her so, am I being petty and is my husband right that I should just let it all go and try more?

@GelatinousDynamo I don't have much advice about the MIL (I seperated from my husband, and his mother was the catalyst for a long slow decline, her disgusting behaviour towards our child and his utter inability to directly and calmly sort her out. He was not putting his child (or me first), and between them both, ruined our marriage). So I'd strongly suggest putting yourself and your boundaries first with the pair of them, always.

However... what I was going to say is, have you accessed genetic counselling regarding your family history of cancer? It might be very useful for you, in deciding for or against having a child in future, either with or without your husband! It was offered to me (for a different health reasons though) through the NHS, and is probably available privately if not. Hope this helps.

Your DH enjoys being a baby and he's never going to erect clear boundaries with his mum.

Either he needs to accept thst he's a grown up with responsibility for his wife, or you make a decision for yourself.

Give DH one last chance. Tell him what you are having to put up with and how you feel about it. Ask for him to have your back since marriage is a partnership. Give him so long and see if he stands up for you.

If not, you make your own mind up. Whatever you do, don't have children until you are 100% happy with him.

do this!

https://nypost.com/2023/01/16/shakira-taunts-ex-mother-in-law-with-witch-doll-on-her-balcony-report/

Have you tried explaining to your DH, very clearly like you have here, some of the specific boundaries that she has overstepped and why it’s not OK? If you have, and he doesn’t get it, you’re pretty much stuck with this and will just have to keep your distance as much as possible. Stick to your guns about not giving her your house key. Keep the puppy away from her because she’ll ruin his health and confuse him.

You’re obviously aware of the problems that will arise if you had kids. He’d let her do whatever she wants. MN has frequent threads about MILs who interfere very badly with parenting and it can get very ugly. Things like feeding the baby solids because they think it’s time to wean, or feeding dairy products because they don’t believe in allergies. A woman who feeds a puppy 200g of beef because she wants the puppy to like her is going to be a nightmare with a child. Imagine what she’d feed a child behind your back!

Personally I couldn’t stay in a marriage like this.

Print off this thread and give it to him. You probably are being a little sensitive to some of it, but it all adds up over time - particularly considering your loss of your own mum.
I felt quite strongly about how close my husband and his mum are - until my son was born. Now I get it. I'd hate not to feel close to him and having to let go and hand over is going to really really hurt.

If ever the analogy of "Don't Rock The Boat" which was posted on Reddit was relevant, it's here. I'll paste the analogy below but I have some observations of my own to add before that. (it's going to be a long post but I hope it'll be worth it)

You do have a DH problem but stemming from that is a MiL problem. She has ZERO issues with trampling all over your boundaries (which to all intents and purposes are totally reasonable).

On your wedding day your DH should have stopped his mother. He should have understood that what she was doing was disrespectful at best and downright wrong at worst.
If you weren't married to your DH, you probably wouldn't actively seek this woman out to be your friend and he should accept that. He should accept that not everyone gets along. His mother shouldn't force matters and by her running to her son or whoever will listen to her version of events is her forcing things, even doing it under the guise of being upset.
You could play the woman at her own game - you go crying to your DH when she pulls some stunt or other. You go crying to him when she is 'mean' to you or if things don't go your way but hers instead (so basically what she is currently doing) and then you can always say "Well it worked when your mother did it".

Anyway, back to the rock the boat analogy. Here you go:

Don't rock the boat.
I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Because we aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a fuck.
At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.
The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.
The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?
Ballast!
And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.
A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, because it did .
When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that you aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.
Now you and your DH get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.
While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!
So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and DH see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.
You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard

No your rite to feel how you do id use the puppy as a good visual point. When your husband is there and his mum is there over feeding your puppy dont say anything see if he picks up on it and says anything to her. If he doesn't then you know she would be the same with any children you have and he will always take her side on it

Don't get engaged in the "do you like my mum or not" argument.

If he asks again, just shrug your shoulders and say "she's ok".

Ae you married to my ex? My ex-MIL was very very similar. It was part of the reason I left exH (there were others too but this was high on the list).

One day I looked at her and exH and thought there's no way I can bring a child into this madness. If she drives me nuts now, what's next?

Happy to report I found a new man and he has a nice family. Not dicks, not overly involved, emotionally mature, caring people. Society makes a lot of jokes about crazy interfering MILs which makes you think it's normal. It's not normal. And you don't need to put up with that shit.

And to add to this, say to him that you don't want to feel this way, it doesn't make you happy BUT things can only change if he works with you to create some healthy boundaries.

Sounds like a naracsist. You will always be unhappy. Always the one who is targeted as being unreasonable. DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH THIS MAN. If I was you, I would run as fast as you can. I however am 2 kids later and in a non win situation. Good luck!

Ah nobody's perfect, I'd just try and focus on her good qualities

I could have written your post OP. The whole wedding fiasco, letting themselves into your house, overfeeding the dog despite bring told no. The difference being that my DH is totally on my side although it wasn't always the case. We had an almighty fall out with in-laws because I put my foot down. For years my DH sided with his parents but once we had kids things changed as I wasn't prepared for my in-laws to damage our children the way that have damaged DH and his sibling.

I really can’t understand all these mother in laws interfering in their sons’ lives.
I can’t wait for some woman to take my son off my hands tbh.

From what you've said it appears you're husband is an only child? This is typical MIL behaviour. She feels ousted, you've replaced her to a certain extent. Hence her overbearing. Of course you're husband doesn't mind. He's use to it and probably doesn't see an issue. I think the key is to get him onboard. Explain boundaries. Everyone needs boundaries and they should be respected. So have a chat to your husband and explain you need his support. When she does something again be calm and explain the issue and you would like her to stop doing X, Y , Z. The key is your husband's support. The MIL sounds a bloody nightmare. Best of luck

My mil has passed away. If I could describe the exact opposite of your description of your mil that would be it. She took little or no interest in helping in any way, even in a crisis. She expected DH to be there for her any time day or night. She acted like everyone in the family owed her something and gave absolutely nothing back. I could go on but my point is I would have swapped her for yours anytime. She does sound needy though. If the things she does annoy you you why not just say something like I really appreciate your help but I'd prefer it if you asked me first before carrying out tasks. She sounds like a worrier 🤷‍♀️

Great post and so true

Obviously do not ‘print off the thread and give it to him’ 😄

About overfeeding the dog - how was that supposed to be 'helping' either you, your DH or your dog? If the dog had become unwell enough to require a visit to vet, who would that have been helping exactly?

The ironing your clothes and underwear - she did it and when you told her not to (perfectly reasonable), she said she was hurt because she wanted to help. You weren't asking for or needed her help with this so why did she persist in doing it?

The organising of your kitchen drawers - again it's just a different location but the action is the same as when she was ironing. It is your house and you're both happy with the location of the fish slice and spatula and knives and forks. So what if they are in a different location to where they are in her house. This isn't her house and she overstepped here.

The wedding - well, she was cruel to you here trying to suggest that she could take the place of your late mother. No one takes that place. Ever. She couldn't possibly try to pass that off as being 'helpful'. She sat on her arse while you were getting ready? Nope. Not helpful either.

It's all about her, isn't it. Her feelings, how hurt she is when X or Y doesn't happen her way.

I would also like to reinforce the sentiment that you shouldn't have any children with this man until this issue is resolved.

I did of course make it clear to him that her comments about my mum were hurtful, he agreed that it was insensitive and apologized for her. But he did not confront her at any point, and tried to excuse her by telling me that she did not mean it like this, or that her intentions were good. I think he thinks that as long as she is not malicious, I should just smile and accept it, to keep the peace. And this is basically what I have been doing these last years, avoiding confrontation. I do not want an open conflict, I get it that she's his family, so I just don't visit them as often as he does or set up work meetings for the days when they come over. He's ok with it, or at least I thought he was, until last night. I have no idea what triggered it, probably Christmas and everything that comes with it.

You'd have wanted a MIL who overfeeds a puppy and makes it sick?

You say that, but I disagree. She needs to be honest with him and this does state clearly and eloquently what the issues are. Followed by lots of people agreeing with her!

Were you given the full story?😀

Dh sounds quite like her "it makes me sad you dont like my mum" !?!? Does he want you to like her or pretend to like her to please him? What does he actually expect you to do with that information?

I agree with this. You seem keen to see the negatives, i'm sure she just wants you to really like her. Your husband is her only child..I actually think you sound a cold and negative person (sorry!). I think your mother in law sounds needy and is trying hard, albiet clumsily. I would never tell my husband that I dislike his mum or dad, mind you I adore them both.