DH asked why I hate his mother

[GelatinousDynamo]

My husband and I have been married for 2 years, together for 9 years. Yesterday he asked me why I hate his mother, told me that it makes him sad because she always goes to so much trouble to please everyone. I don't hate his mother, I told him so, but he doesn't believe me. I told him that I don't hate her, but that I do dislike her because her "pleasing everyone" thing is just an act, that she just basically always ignores everyone's actual wishes and does as she pleases, so I prefer to keep my distance. He's now in a huff, because apparently I just decided to dislike her for no reason and am being petty. So AIBU to dislike her, am I being irrational? Sorry but this is going to be a long one:

It's true that I don't particularly like her. It would be easier if I could just name one strong reason for my dislike, but it's more the bigger picture. I'll try to describe a few situations where his mother "stood out negatively":

• She always tells me to tell her honestly if something goes too far or I don't like anything she does. But when I did talk to her once (she - out of the blue - started ironing clothes, including my underwear, and I asked her never to do that again) I found out later that she told my husband how much I had hurt her, when all she wanted to do was help.
• She interferes everywhere. She looks in every drawer, even rearranged our kitchen utensils because "it's better this way". She basically treats our house as hers, I had to beg my husband to not give his parents our new keys, because they used the old ones to just let themselves in whenever - of course, always "to help out", which we have never asked for.
• Our wedding. My mum died a year before our wedding. During all the preparations, she kept hinting that she wished to replace my mother in certain situations, kept reminding me that "you don't have a mother". For me, the loss was still very raw, I missed my mum every step of the way, and these comments really hurt me, so I distanced myself from her and stopped telling or showing her stuff. She wanted to help me prepare on the day of the wedding, but I declined - I preferred just spending the morning with my oldest friend. But she came to my hotel room anyway, together with two of her sisters-in-law, then just sat there, and kept asking me if I liked her dress - I honestly couldn't care less about her dress on my own wedding day. She also ignored our wishes and tried to enforce "family traditions". The evening of the wedding, she pulled my husband aside and started crying because she didn't feel involved and hated being left out. She has been left out and I could understand her wanting to address that - but the decision to do that on our wedding day, and ruin our wedding for my husband, was a conscious, premeditated decision and totally inappropriate in my opinion.
• Another example is our puppy. Where should I even begin? He doesn't like her because she won't leave him alone. She constantly tries to cuddle and stroke him. No dog likes being touched constantly, so he avoids her. I've tried to tell her to give him some space, that he'll come to her on his own terms, but she won't listen. Instead she has started to feed the dog mountains of treats. I've asked her a thousand times not to give him so many - I have no problem with her giving him the occasional treat, but 200g of beef for a little puppy is just too much, and he gets sick afterwards. She completely ignores me - I stand there asking her to stop overfeeding the dog, and she just continues shoving beef into him... She is so concetrated on her own pleasure while feeding him that she just doesn't care that she's actually potentially hurting him.

I think that's the main problem I have with her - she always knows best and is always very keen on telling everyone what a helpful, involved person she is. For me, she just always has to be the center of attention. She only has one child and only brothers, she is adored in the family and her wishes always take priority. Her "always trying to please everyone" is in my opinion just an act, because she does not really care about the wishes and preferences of other people, she just does as she wants. It's hard to put in words, it seems petty to dislike her for all these little things, but I just can't get over it. Her handling of our puppy has made me reconsider having kids with my husband (he will tell her "no" once but then not react when she does as she pleases anyway, because "she means well"). So AIBU to dislike her so, am I being petty and is my husband right that I should just let it all go and try more?

I think she's just self-absorbed. To be a deliberate dick, she would have to stop and consider other people's feelings and preferences.

I get what you are saying, and I have actually been ignoring all the little things, being polite, creating some distance etc, but it's exhausting, and now it's come to a head with DH.

I think that if my DH and I had this talk, if I explained myself better, then he would enforce boundaries with his mother. But he would resent me for it, because deep down he does not see it all as a problem. Seems I really do have a DH problem, huh

Well, I would have just left everything as it was, but he insisted. I am nice to her when we meet, but I also try to avoid seeing his parents too often. I guess the PP who wrote that it was stupid of him to ask the question and then complain about the answer are right, and now I'm slightly angry at him.

I think the right answer to "why do you hate my mother?" is "I don't hate her" and not "I don't hate her but I DO dislike her". Not surprised his feeling are hurt, I'd be hurt my husband said this about my mum. You can go about asking him for support setting boundaries without saying you don't like her.

I married an only child.

If you have children your MIL will be a nightmare.

Mine bought a pram, highchair, cot etc to keep at her house.

We lived 150 miles away! How much use did she think they would get.
She once told my mum she was upset she couldn't bath her grandchildren....from 150 miles away.

I feel sorry for the puppy

@RedDoughnut I should have added that my partner is an only child.

Amongst my many 'sins' in the eyes of his parents - apart from being divorced, foreign and bought up wealthy - was that I denied them grandchildren...even though I was 41, and partner 39 when we met!

I made the massive mistake of letting his parents look after our two indoor cats while I was forced into emergency accommodation (my neighbour had assaulted me and there was a court case going on). His father ignored all instructions regarding their care and promptly let them both outside...one of them disappeared for 5 hours, it was a miracle he was found. Apparently I was in the wrong for being upset, and should have been 'grateful they found him'... that was the final straw for me. Afterwards partner admitted his father in particular would have been a nightmare if we'd had children (was never going to happen anyway).

I disagree with pp, it doesn't matter why she is like this in my opinion, there is no excuse for trampling all over someone's (perfectly reasonable) boundaries such as not rearranging drawers in their own house, and not overfeeding a puppy.

I would focus on her behaviour with your husband. It's not that you hate her but it's that her behaviour in ignoring boundaries is unacceptable to you, no matter whether it comes from a good place or not. And its not reasonable to expect you to just put up with someone trampling all over your boundaries. You won't accept a sick dog for example, or criticism of something that has no impact on her, just to spare her feelings. So the choices are you can either talk to her about it (which has ended up with her crying in the past) or avoid her.

I'd also spell out just how his lack of support of your Stance on this is impacting your relationship including the fear of having kids.

She sounds like a freaking nightmare and if your husband can't see that, then I am afraid I would go for divorce, it's only going to get 100x worse when kids come along.

I think you could say that you dislike her behaviour sometimes which would be true and honest, which is kind of what you did say op.

And I agree with pp that to some extent it does depend on the intentions behind the actions BUT if mils intentions were genuinely good, she would stop
feeding the dog immediately wouldn’t she?

And I think people with good intentions would hold their peace on their son’s wedding day.

There can be cultural issues with this sort of thing. Some cultures live very intimately and think it doesn’t count going through the drawers of a family member because as family it’s like going through their own drawers. Personally though I was brought up with more boundaried family relations which means we don’t turn up at each others houses without texting first and we wouldn’t dream of going through drawers or ironing underwear without asking in advance if someone needed help … and even then… .

Out of interest though op, did you do anything to include her on your wedding day? Your comment about her dress seems a little harsh. Did you compliment her on what she was wearing?

The tactlessness over the loss of your mother was extremely insensitive and unforgivable really and dh should have had a word.

What is her relationship with your fil like? It sounds like she has too much time on her hands.

I would say YANBU. All those dislikes would be fairly petty on their own but added together are a major problem. She doesn’t sound like a nasty woman but just a fairly self-centred, egocentric one, which is not pleasant to put up with. And you’re allowed to have your own reaction to her! You don’t have to like her because she’s DH’s mother.

I would hate her for the wedding stuff alone, and I would spell out to DH exactly what you’ve said here.

I think the correct answer would be "of course I hate her. She's a nightmare!"

It would be much MUCH worse if you had children

And your husband will never have your back

You need to decide how you want your future to look.

I think the issue is that all her family have accepted her behaviour over a long period of time so she is unused to anyone going against her in any way.

When you ask her not to do something it goes in one ear and out the other I expect or she dismisses your wishes as she always gets her own way and believes she is right.

Personally, I think her behaviour would ramp up if you had a child.

I agree that if you had kids then she’d be worse than how she is with the puppy. She’d be constantly harassing your h about alone time, dropping in more and feeding baby constantly.

Do you know what triggered your h to ask? I think YANBU to dislike her- I wouldn’t like her either.

Tell him it’s her behaviour rather than her you don’t like.

She has a lack of respect for your opinions and preferences in your own home. You would feel a lot more welcoming to her if she stopped over stepping the mark.

Never have a kid you don’t particularly want, just for a man.
It would be you risking your life, body, continence, earning capacity and mental health to produce a kid that, let’s face it, you’ll end up doing the drudge work for. All so this man who has not got your back can ‘be a dad’.

I’m guessing you don’t t have kids yet 😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬

No guessing needed if you read her replies.

This.

It's not that you hate her but it's that her behaviour in ignoring boundaries is unacceptable to you, no matter whether it comes from a good place or not. And its not reasonable to expect you to just put up with someone trampling all over your boundaries.

Your DH doesn't have boundaries with her, and may not even understand what this means. You may have to spell it out to him - why boundaries are important and should be respected, regardless of how well-meaning someone is.

Ultimately you can't change her, so you just have to be more firm. e.g. in the situations above you could have: removed the puppy to another room, refused to let her into your hotel room (just blocked the doorway then closed the door on her), put a lock on your bedroom door so she can't go in there, say "Please put my utensils back the way they were, you should not have rearranged them", etc. etc.
Stand up to her, be firm without getting angry or emotional, and when she starts crying say "I can see you are upset, would you like to discuss it?" and carry on being firm and unemotional.
Don't worry about being 'rude' - it is not rude to be factual, unemotional, and have strong boundaries.

@GreatGateauxsby Agree on the triangulation thing! I find it also works in the opposite way, so if DP moans about something relating to my parents, I tell him to speak to them himself! I'm not going to be the messenger and get involved. Makes things into a bigger deal than they need to be, in my experience.

Certain things like MIL suggesting stuff is done in a different way used to drive me nuts. Now it's a polite, "thanks for the suggestion" 😂

@GelatinousDynamo just starting out to read thread. But spat my drink out at ".... because her "pleasing everyone" thing is just an act, that she just basically always ignores everyone's actual wishes and does as she pleases...."

You are NOT alone!!

Back to reading the op...

These things you have listed are not petty at all. Each one on their own is enough reason to strongly dislike her and not want her around, please don't second guess that. The last one; she is not just ignoring your wishes, she is borderline abusing the dog. But, as is often said on here, you don't have a MIL problem, you have a DH problem. He is indirectly not respecting your boundaries by letting her not respect them. You are right that if you and him have a baby she will be exactly the same writ large, and your husband will do nothing to protect you from it. If your husband cannot even stick up for a dog, let alone you, do not contemplate have children with him.

This is one of those situations where it’s less about what you think and more about what you say. I don’t particularly like DH’s parents, I haven’t really since we met, but I have never and would never say anything negative about them to DH or put that in his mind because they are still his parents. A bit like me and my sister fought like cat and dog at times growing up (and still do sometimes now🤣), but if I ever hear anyone else speaking badly about her I HATE that and defend her 100%, even if I’ve just been moaning about her 2 seconds before!

DH has asked me in the past if I have an issue with them and I always just say, no, they aren’t my favourite people in the world but they don’t have to be, they are his parents and they will always be in my life and that just is what it is. I don’t need to be best friends with every member of his family just like he doesn’t with mine, but I’ll never slag them off to him because at the end of the day, that’s his mum and dad, so even if he agrees with me he will defend them, and that’s fine

Do. Not. Have. Children with. This. Man.

This!!! If he doesn’t support you now, he won’t support you when she does whatever she pleases to your child, except then you will be stuck with the problem for a very looooong time.