DH asked why I hate his mother

[GelatinousDynamo]

My husband and I have been married for 2 years, together for 9 years. Yesterday he asked me why I hate his mother, told me that it makes him sad because she always goes to so much trouble to please everyone. I don't hate his mother, I told him so, but he doesn't believe me. I told him that I don't hate her, but that I do dislike her because her "pleasing everyone" thing is just an act, that she just basically always ignores everyone's actual wishes and does as she pleases, so I prefer to keep my distance. He's now in a huff, because apparently I just decided to dislike her for no reason and am being petty. So AIBU to dislike her, am I being irrational? Sorry but this is going to be a long one:

It's true that I don't particularly like her. It would be easier if I could just name one strong reason for my dislike, but it's more the bigger picture. I'll try to describe a few situations where his mother "stood out negatively":

• She always tells me to tell her honestly if something goes too far or I don't like anything she does. But when I did talk to her once (she - out of the blue - started ironing clothes, including my underwear, and I asked her never to do that again) I found out later that she told my husband how much I had hurt her, when all she wanted to do was help.
• She interferes everywhere. She looks in every drawer, even rearranged our kitchen utensils because "it's better this way". She basically treats our house as hers, I had to beg my husband to not give his parents our new keys, because they used the old ones to just let themselves in whenever - of course, always "to help out", which we have never asked for.
• Our wedding. My mum died a year before our wedding. During all the preparations, she kept hinting that she wished to replace my mother in certain situations, kept reminding me that "you don't have a mother". For me, the loss was still very raw, I missed my mum every step of the way, and these comments really hurt me, so I distanced myself from her and stopped telling or showing her stuff. She wanted to help me prepare on the day of the wedding, but I declined - I preferred just spending the morning with my oldest friend. But she came to my hotel room anyway, together with two of her sisters-in-law, then just sat there, and kept asking me if I liked her dress - I honestly couldn't care less about her dress on my own wedding day. She also ignored our wishes and tried to enforce "family traditions". The evening of the wedding, she pulled my husband aside and started crying because she didn't feel involved and hated being left out. She has been left out and I could understand her wanting to address that - but the decision to do that on our wedding day, and ruin our wedding for my husband, was a conscious, premeditated decision and totally inappropriate in my opinion.
• Another example is our puppy. Where should I even begin? He doesn't like her because she won't leave him alone. She constantly tries to cuddle and stroke him. No dog likes being touched constantly, so he avoids her. I've tried to tell her to give him some space, that he'll come to her on his own terms, but she won't listen. Instead she has started to feed the dog mountains of treats. I've asked her a thousand times not to give him so many - I have no problem with her giving him the occasional treat, but 200g of beef for a little puppy is just too much, and he gets sick afterwards. She completely ignores me - I stand there asking her to stop overfeeding the dog, and she just continues shoving beef into him... She is so concetrated on her own pleasure while feeding him that she just doesn't care that she's actually potentially hurting him.

I think that's the main problem I have with her - she always knows best and is always very keen on telling everyone what a helpful, involved person she is. For me, she just always has to be the center of attention. She only has one child and only brothers, she is adored in the family and her wishes always take priority. Her "always trying to please everyone" is in my opinion just an act, because she does not really care about the wishes and preferences of other people, she just does as she wants. It's hard to put in words, it seems petty to dislike her for all these little things, but I just can't get over it. Her handling of our puppy has made me reconsider having kids with my husband (he will tell her "no" once but then not react when she does as she pleases anyway, because "she means well"). So AIBU to dislike her so, am I being petty and is my husband right that I should just let it all go and try more?

I remember back in the 60s or maybe early 70s I knew a family with 10 sons! Every time one got married the mum would leave the church saying, "Seven fewer shirts to iron every week. SEVEN,"

Somehow I don't think she interfered in their marriages. She was a nice woman but all those shirts..........

Maybe the answer is to marry a man with lots of brothers.

This is exactly how it is with my MIL. Her whole family excuse her behaviour with ‘that’s just how she is’.

I’ve now put some boundaries in place and no longer wish to see her. She hates it, but that’s because I’m finally standing up to her which no one has ever done.

It will be worse when you have children, trust me. Mine likes to dismiss my worries or find fault in everything I do. I’ve been undermined for years, until now.

Your MIL is the type of woman whose identity lies in the praise and adoration of others (possibly as a result of being a woman surrounded mostly by men, something she learned to use to her advantage). This is why she claims and others see her as helping; those of us who recognise women like this for what they are, know that she is actually only serving herself.

You're not giving her praise or adoration, and this shakes her world because you're the wife of her only son. You're here to stay. She is trying to assert her dominance over you, to get you in line with everyone else in her life: to praise and adore her.

The ONLY way to deal with people like this is to let them be an echo chamber to themselves. Don't discuss her with your DH - ever. Don't rise to her bait - ever. Repeat yourself ad nauseam re the dog - forever. She will rail and wail and pull out tactics and do everything possible because she will feel derailed, unsteady, threatened. She will try to pull rank. She will cry, threaten, whisper rumours - everything, to retain the dominance she previously held.

One of two things will happen: it will come to a head and an ultimatum will be issued, or she will exhaust herself out.

It will all be of her doing. You can expend energy thinking about and feeling hurt by her, or you can go about your business being you and let her exhaust herself. You won't be able to control the outcome. She's your DH's mother, you'll have to see what happens.

Why would you want him to confront her? That would cause conflict, and devastate her.

Ironing her son's wife's underwear is weird and sounds enmeshed, like trying to own the son's wife's body in some way. Major ick.

It sounds like she has an histrionic personality. There’s not much you can do other than be firm with your own boundaries and reiterate this to your husband. Who is totally on flying monkey duty btw.

Going through the self and same myself this week after 15 yrs of marriage. I also have no obvious to dislike mine as much as I do. I just feel she is cold, uncaring, self centered and ungrateful. Not to mention boring - all politics and football. I have made numerous efforts over the years to invite her town for coffee and shopping ect she has no friends because of her monotone monotonous ways and one track mind so i have tried to make the effort. It is never reciprocated. I am working christmas day this year for the first time ever, I have hosted Xmas Dinner for her for the past 12 years - she dosnt work, not once has she suggested hosting it when I finish at 2pm this Christmas. Final straw for me. I have had her live with me during lockdown, taken her on almost every holiday uk and abroad we have had annually,, cared for her when she been ill, tried to console and cheer her up when another friend bit the dust but nothing reciprocated at all.. had covid,my washing machine blew up,pulled my back all in 3 days not ONE offer of help. It all came pouring out the other night to my DH on my mums death anniversary (who was a pure contrast to her) and now things arnt the same between us. I'm tired.

I agree with this. Maybe it’s because I also adore my in-laws 😂 flaws and all

I’m not surprised he said he was sad you dislike his mother!

There are a lot of posts recently defending MILs who are behaving badly.

She behaves badly, and OP puts proportionate boundaries in place. He needed to know.

And no, I wouldn't have children with him, even if you can get him to stand up to her for now it'll all go south when you have children.

My MIL is similar. She wants to help out but ends up interfering and pushing boundaries. She does care about us a lot and sometimes tries to be my mum. We have had an honest conversation and she is a lot better. Of course, she still isn't my mum but I care for her as family and we get on.

We're not from different cultures, but you are right, their family is very close knit. It can be a little suffocating if you're an "outsider", at family events I usually end up hanging out with my DH's cousin's husband when it gets too much.

I can't really remember, I definitely complimented her dress but I don't know if I engaged with her beyond that. I was feeling pretty stressed and running out of time. She wasn't involved in anything.

Fil and her are both retired, but he keeps finding himself little jobs around the house and garden, she seems to be a little restless. They have a good relationship, I used to find it sweet how he's always checking on her and making sure she has everything she needs and doing little things to make her happy. I hoped we would be like that when older. But obviously she's also treated like she can do no wrong.

I think this happens often- well, at least in my experience. You get the acknowledgment to you that MIL has not handled something well, but it is never taken up by DH with MIL.

In your case, I would sit him down and spell things out that must stop before there is any chance of DC. Be specific - no keys given out, no rooting through drawers or going in your bedroom at all. These must be raised by him with them because they are issues, and he must engage with this properly and not blame you or suggest that he doesn’t agree with you. Only when things have changed will you consider DC because you will not be overruled or harassed over childcare by his mother.

You need a conversation with your husband where you keep the focus on objective facts not subjective emotions. Along the lines of 'I don't hate your mother. But some of the things she does aren't OK with me. I don't like her to go through the drawers etc etc...'

Avoid putting any interpretation onto her actions such as 'she just wants to be seen as...she's not really...she seems to think...' as you can't prove what's in her mind and it will just lead you and your husband into disagresment about her character and motives.

Stick with her factual, evidenced behaviour and be clear with your husband what changes you want to see in order for their to be harmony between you. Keep future comments or complaints you make to him about what she does 'you mother did x,y or z, which is a problem because a,b or c' never about what you think of her as a person.

@DidiAskYouThough I know all that, rationally. It's just that some truths are hard to accept.

I know where your coming from at first I liked my mil it was like little house on the perey. that soon changed when I didn't like what she did and she was talking under her breath I was always on my guard because it was all so fake over the top I will go and see her for my husbands sake.

I am writing as someone whose own DM had died before my wedding and just one thoughtless comment from my MIL upset me. OP’s DH should have spoken to his DM about this and how there must be no repeat.

I'm very sorry to hear this. My mum also passed away from cancer when I was young & there is also some history in my family as well.

I would definitely recommend genetics counselling & DNA testing so you have a clear picture, which may help you to make a decision & see what your options are.

Ref. Your MIL, as others have said, it is definitely a lack of boundaries. You & your husband need to be on the same page with her in terms of being jointly firm with her.

I would also talk to her directly so that everything is not just going through your husband & you don't have the triangulation issue, as others have said.

Wishing you the best with everything.

@LondonLass91 - I don't think anyone on the thread wants the OP's DH to confront his mother but he definitely needs to raise these as issues with his mother, because they are issues and need to be addressed.

She needs to understand that her son, the DH here, is his own person, has a wife and isn't her little boy anymore and some things are no longer her concern.

I am 25 years into a marriage with a MIL who at times has been a total nightmare, but 25 years on I do love that women and my DH's father as they are my family too.

His mum has walked in and done my washing and crossed loads of boundaries, but she has also done some good stuff too. My own mum wasn't at my wedding and I really missed her too, and my MIL came to help me. When I had DC and one nearly died, it was her who travelled alone to help me out, sometimes crossing a line, but ultimately there for us. She adores my DC.

My DH would quite rightly be very upset if I said I didn't like her, and at times I haven't, but I have always gone out of my way to include them, and it was worth the wait.

I would never iron my future DILs underwear, or clean her house, or do her washing. She can pick up her own crap. Hopefully I'll have nice ones, who respect their DH's enough and appreciate that they too have their own clan.

I would suggest that you let your DH go to their house alone, and let him spend time with them whilst you are doing other things, so she doesn't irritate you. After all, if you decide to dump him, which seems is on your mind, they will be the people who will pick him up off the ground and help him.

Your MIL sounds like a PITA but you don't sound much better. You actually come across as quite a horrible person. Maybe you don't have a DH problem, maybe you are the problem here. Your MIL is stepping over boundaries, but these can be dealt with over time, as I did. She really isn't that bad TBH. I've heard loads worse.

I'm surprised that I'm evidentially in the minority here, but you do sound quite petty/ruffled easily. Yes, it's fine to tell her not to go through your drawers or touch your undies. But she was trying to do a nice thing for you. I think similarly with your mother not being around. I also think that you are being rather picky not wanting her to pick up/cuddle your puppy. Fair enough with the over feeding him treats, but it does seem that she can't do much right. I suspect that a lot of this has to do with the general difficulty of dealing with someone who is perhaps just a stronger character than yourself. My mil was like that, whereas I am a quiet introvert and used to find hosting her stressful and having company irritating. It was hard when we got married and when the kids were babies as she did want to take over. However, now the kids are older we have a great relationship. Don't write it off. Things can get easier if you learn to relax more in each others company.

@LookItsMeAgain Best post ever. And the first post I've ever saved! Perfect analogy.

You need to be frank with DH: You dont dislike her, you dislike some of her behaviours; and his enabling, lack of boundaries and peacekeeping compound this. I would be honest and say his lack of backbone with her is making you reconsider children with him.

I don’t think he needs to confront her, just to be more firm with her when she crosses the line and more supportive of you if she encroaches on you.

She's passive-aggressive.

Sorry you have to deal with these MIL issues. My ex-MIL was also a dominating nightmare, and it made me swear I would check out the family of any future boyfriends ASAP. She would go through my drawers, cupboards, and wardrobe and comment negatively on my things and tell me I had too much; rearrange the house, make loud comments about us not having children and about how having children is the ultimate aim in life - with NO thought whatsoever to the possibility that we might be struggling to conceive. I also have a very high risk of breast cancer and she said something really nasty to me about it. I stopped speaking to her after that. I had put up with her for a decade and what she said was so deeply hurtful that it was more than I could bear. Oh - and my ex-h was also a mummy's boy. Ex-MIL would freely declare that out of her three sons, he was her favourite. 😱

I find it amazing how many excuses are made for badly behaved MILs in the MN threads.

I also find it incredible how many MILs are so entitled and overbearing. No one wants to be told how to parent or have rude remarks thrown at them or have an in-law going through their stuff or walking into their house/bedroom without notice. I'm sure these MILs wouldn't have liked that stuff form their own MILs, either! Not doing these things is hardly rocket science.

This kind of stereotypical MIL behaviour is basically social aggression. They're trying to assert dominance, I guess because they just don't want to hand over to another woman.

The stress that some in-laws cause in marriages is wicked.

I think they are both lucky that you haven't told her to fuck right off yet!!

Having taken the trouble of getting to the end of your post OP I’m going to respond with an opinion that might not be the general consensus (judging by the poll), haven’t rtft.

Halfway through reading your post I thought “she mustn’t have kids”, because if you did you would realise how hugely hurtful it would have been to exclude your MIL from her son’s wedding. Ok so she was a bit tactless and approached supporting you in the wrong way, but to have her break down the night before on account of your dismissal of her and then blame her and say she had some sort of premeditated idea about ruining the wedding for your DH…..

Regards the puppy - “I’m sorry Puppy can’t have any treats, vets orders. Stop, or puppy will have to go in the other room” “puppy doesn’t like being petted, sorry, please stop or puppy will go in it’s crate until you’ve left”

As for the “helping out”, pay for a cleaner, and don’t give her a copy of the keys. I’m presuming she must have done a lot for your husband prior to his relationship with you and that stepping back now is an adjustment for all.

Really and truly, if you have kids you will be grouped in together tighter and all this pernickety nitpicking over her behaviours will stop because you won’t have time to mull over it and you will be much more assertive as a mother yourself.