DH asked why I hate his mother

[GelatinousDynamo]

My husband and I have been married for 2 years, together for 9 years. Yesterday he asked me why I hate his mother, told me that it makes him sad because she always goes to so much trouble to please everyone. I don't hate his mother, I told him so, but he doesn't believe me. I told him that I don't hate her, but that I do dislike her because her "pleasing everyone" thing is just an act, that she just basically always ignores everyone's actual wishes and does as she pleases, so I prefer to keep my distance. He's now in a huff, because apparently I just decided to dislike her for no reason and am being petty. So AIBU to dislike her, am I being irrational? Sorry but this is going to be a long one:

It's true that I don't particularly like her. It would be easier if I could just name one strong reason for my dislike, but it's more the bigger picture. I'll try to describe a few situations where his mother "stood out negatively":

• She always tells me to tell her honestly if something goes too far or I don't like anything she does. But when I did talk to her once (she - out of the blue - started ironing clothes, including my underwear, and I asked her never to do that again) I found out later that she told my husband how much I had hurt her, when all she wanted to do was help.
• She interferes everywhere. She looks in every drawer, even rearranged our kitchen utensils because "it's better this way". She basically treats our house as hers, I had to beg my husband to not give his parents our new keys, because they used the old ones to just let themselves in whenever - of course, always "to help out", which we have never asked for.
• Our wedding. My mum died a year before our wedding. During all the preparations, she kept hinting that she wished to replace my mother in certain situations, kept reminding me that "you don't have a mother". For me, the loss was still very raw, I missed my mum every step of the way, and these comments really hurt me, so I distanced myself from her and stopped telling or showing her stuff. She wanted to help me prepare on the day of the wedding, but I declined - I preferred just spending the morning with my oldest friend. But she came to my hotel room anyway, together with two of her sisters-in-law, then just sat there, and kept asking me if I liked her dress - I honestly couldn't care less about her dress on my own wedding day. She also ignored our wishes and tried to enforce "family traditions". The evening of the wedding, she pulled my husband aside and started crying because she didn't feel involved and hated being left out. She has been left out and I could understand her wanting to address that - but the decision to do that on our wedding day, and ruin our wedding for my husband, was a conscious, premeditated decision and totally inappropriate in my opinion.
• Another example is our puppy. Where should I even begin? He doesn't like her because she won't leave him alone. She constantly tries to cuddle and stroke him. No dog likes being touched constantly, so he avoids her. I've tried to tell her to give him some space, that he'll come to her on his own terms, but she won't listen. Instead she has started to feed the dog mountains of treats. I've asked her a thousand times not to give him so many - I have no problem with her giving him the occasional treat, but 200g of beef for a little puppy is just too much, and he gets sick afterwards. She completely ignores me - I stand there asking her to stop overfeeding the dog, and she just continues shoving beef into him... She is so concetrated on her own pleasure while feeding him that she just doesn't care that she's actually potentially hurting him.

I think that's the main problem I have with her - she always knows best and is always very keen on telling everyone what a helpful, involved person she is. For me, she just always has to be the center of attention. She only has one child and only brothers, she is adored in the family and her wishes always take priority. Her "always trying to please everyone" is in my opinion just an act, because she does not really care about the wishes and preferences of other people, she just does as she wants. It's hard to put in words, it seems petty to dislike her for all these little things, but I just can't get over it. Her handling of our puppy has made me reconsider having kids with my husband (he will tell her "no" once but then not react when she does as she pleases anyway, because "she means well"). So AIBU to dislike her so, am I being petty and is my husband right that I should just let it all go and try more?

Constantly referred to my by his ex's name (not his ex wife mind, no his ex from 10 years before), when corrected she's sigh and say to him ' remember her, she was a lovely girl'.

And obviously fast on her feet, as she escaped!

Some MILs are unbelievable in their behaviour.

She ironed your underwear, rearranged your cutlery drawer and is too affectionate with your puppy?

She sounds like a monster. 🙄

@blackandwhitephotos - if you had a dog with an "iffy" digestion you'd know exactly what a PITA this is.

One of ours has a very delicate stomach. Can't eat wheat (which is in most foods - even expensive ones), can't eat fresh meat, can't eat most treats, can't eat anything fatty, can't eat eggs - can't eat just about anything*, because it stimulates severe bloody colitis.

He then gets us up 5, 6, 7 times in the night to empty his bowels, and the product is NOT pleasant, I can promise you! (He also vomits, but the back end is worse.)

*And worse - he is a hunter, and catches birds, mice, voles, and rabbits, which we then have to try to get off him before he 'gronffs" them - did you know a cocker spaniel can swallow an adult rabbit on the run? Well, they can. And will if they get the chance.

EDIT: spelling

It got worse after marriage because she considered you hers at that point and you were expected to assimilate into their family culture completely. So far, your husband has refused to disabuse her of this idea, instead trying to convince you to go along with it. If you do decide to leave, take your dog because your husband would rather see it harmed than tell his mum no.

My stepfather’s family is like that. When my mum married him, I was a young teen. They expected me to abandon my entire identity and “become one of them”. They were completely enmeshed, boundaries weren’t allowed and you were expected to drop everything that didn’t involve them. They tried to make me get rid of pictures of my dad, claiming that it was disrespectful to their family for me to have them. I couldn’t refer to myself with my own surname, I was expected to only use stepfather’s and they hated that I refused to change my name. They would visit and stay for weeks where I was expected to sleep in the lounge with all of my cousins (males included), criticized for locking the bathroom door (someone may need in there), and how dare I not be comfortable because you don’t need privacy from family.

My mum pushed back on them for a couple of years, then they started moving in with us. They eventually broke her down she stopped standing up for me. I moved away as soon as I graduated from high school. I now have no contact with my stepfather or his relatives and very little contact with my mom. There is a lot more that has happened over the years, but it all boils down to the fact that I was expected to change everything about myself to fit in with them and they refused to accept me as the person I was.

First of all can we swap MIL, mine is verbally abusive too all of us even calling her colostomy bag my daughters name so please don't think she's the worst.. mine also force-fed my baby girl and I took her off her and she was crying so she told social services that my daughter doesn't like ME?! She's a nutter.. she wants me out of the picture because her son doesn't call her anymore as he had a family that isn't all about her.. so she's told them to give the baby to her daughter .. mine.. so please appreciate any nice MILs as some of us have the worst! Your not being unreasonable but it's not as bad as it could be... just talk to her she seems to care for you x

I just want to say I'm sorry you have to live with this hanging over your head. All the more reason for you not to have to put up with other people's inconsiderate nonsense.

She sounds like a bunny-boiler.

just yesterday he kept telling me how happy it would make his mum to have the dog for a day and that she will not be as intense now that he's no longer a cute little ball of puppy fluff.

Your husband is looking to say Yes to his mother under all circumstances and at this point he'll bend the actual state of affairs into a pretzel so that he can justify it.

If she wsn't going to be so intense about the dog why is she still going on and on about it?

Just a thought, would a puppy of her own lessen her obsessiveness? (not that she sounds all that suitable to have one).

@XxFranxx your MiL sounds like the sort of person that you sigh with relief when the funeral service is over, but that doesn't mean that any other behaviour is fine.

@blackandwhitephotos if you don't see the problem with your MiL going through your drawers and taking out your underwear and ironing it, you may have some privacy and boundary issues of your own.

She sounds so much like my MIL. The intrusiveness, the selfishness … even the wedding story. My MIL was fine at the wedding, or maybe I just blocked her out, but before and after she was a nightmare. Ruined our photo viewing as she was so upset there weren’t enough pictures of her.
So I have had 3 children with my husband and MiL lives very close by. I had to set boundaries as my mental health after having my first child was at risk. We now only see her maybe once a month. We never ask her to mind the kids. She never comes over unannounced. My husband is supportive of my wishes though. If he wasn’t, I don’t think our marriage would work. I couldn’t have her in our lives any more than she is at the moment. We are civil and friendly but keep her at arms length or I wouldn’t cope. I would advise having a long thing about whether your husband will support you in setting boundaries. If he won’t then I would leave him and certainly don’t have children with him. She will ruin your marriage or your mental health or both.

The trouble is the vast majority of sons have unconditional love for their mothers despite bad behaviour. I had good reason to resent my mil but it sometimes feels like the ones who really do want to help out and genuinely care are damned if they do & damned if they don't. It's a difficult dynamic. Most of my friends who have a great relationship with their mil say one of the reasons is because the mil has a great relationship with their own DH so have no need to be jealous of or interfere with their sons relationship cause they want the same for them Interesting 🤔

Explain to your husband that women are usually reasonable until they become MILs.

Haven't you read some posts by MiLs on DiLs?

The same difficult people start off as unpleasant DiLs before they become unpleasant MiLs

@blackandwhitephotos if you don't see the problem with your MiL going through your drawers and taking out your underwear and ironing it, you may have some privacy and boundary issues of your own.

Or, they’re the MIL…

My sister adores her mil and it's reciprocated. She can confide in her about anything and regularly does. Its the type of relationship I wanted with mine but never had. I've met her on numerous occasions and she is just the most caring person who would do anything for her family & never interferes with my sisters decisions. She has a great relationship with her DH and wants the same for her son. I think it's unfair to tar all MILs with the same brush.

That is why I used the word 'usually'.

And for the record I think there are as many bad DILs as there are bad MILs.

What a ridiculously over-generalised sweeping statement

Do forgive me. It is something I learnt from MN. Women are rarely wrong until they become MILs.

I’m fairly sure my MIL behaved as she does before I knew her. Infact I know she did as DH is always telling me ‘she’s always been like that’ and ‘that’s just how she is’. Code for, we enable her unacceptable behaviour.

Sorry, you sound abit ridiculous. That’s his Mother, yes she sounds like he has some traits that you might not completely understand but they do not sound like red flags. If anything she’s trying to be caring and you seem to pushing away. Would you have preferred her to have left you grieving on your wedding day without trying to have some involvement? Perhaps your grief is pushing her away?

I do find in the western world some of you women are completely disrespectful towards your Husband’s family members. This woman birthed and looked after him. He loves her and you should respect that. I actually think you’re the problem here. If you don’t see a way forward, I would at least try to be kind if you can’t be her best friend.

My partner’s mum is just like this, so you really have my sympathies. I know when you are describing these kind of scenarios it can sound a bit petty but it’s just a build up of trampling all over your boundaries that pushes you over the edge.

My in-laws are staying with us at the moment to help with diy and I am absolutely miserable having to deal with my mil’s passive aggressive behaviour and mood swings.

Op I totally get how annoying this is and your MIL definitely has boundary issues. IF your marriage is going to survive this are there proactive kind things you can do in relation to your MIL that keep you in charge, while acknowledging that she is part of the package in being married to DH? I didn’t much like my MIL either who was v overbearing. But I decided I’d invite her over 3 x a year and I’d cook and that was my effort. It could be coffee once a quarter, something small but proactively kind that means you always have ammo if asked if you like her.

Sounds like you're describing my mum. She's a text book narcissist. It's taken 50 years for me r each of her 5 children to find some kind of acceptable relationship with her.

You MIL will never change. She is incapable. She will always be the victim. It will always be everyone else's fault. Your actions will always be directed at her - narcissists literally believe the world and everyone in it revolves around them - 99% of them will never be able to have enough self awareness to understand who they are.

You need to set very clear and strict boundaries. There need to be consequences when those boundaries aren't adhered to. She'll hate you for it and will try to make everyone take sides (everything is a battle with a right /wrong, good/bad, winner/loser outcome).

The need to be managed like a tween/teen child. Ask them, explain to them, tell them, warn of consequence, act. Eg with the puppy. Please give him some space and let him come to you. You can give him one treat from the jar and that's it. It's not good for him. I've got explained how we'd like you to interact with him and ask that you respect our wishes. If you can't do this, then all interaction has to stop and will.

AND DO IT

Until you have worked out how to manage the basics, really consider children - she will be a gazillion times more interfering, criticising etx

Good luck

My MIL exhibited a lot of the traits you describe, treating our house like it was hers and so on. She’s on her own, so my DH always felt a lot of pressure to look after her.

What helped me was trying to really pick my battles/let the little things slide. At the end of the day, it’s lovely that my DH cares for his elderly, single mum. He’s a great role model to our kids and I hope they are so caring when I’m old. So, I try pretty hard to let little things slide. If she gives us stuff for the house I don’t like, I just get rid of them. If she moves my stuff about I just move it back. I don’t get in a fight with her.

BUT when I do have an issue, I expect my DH to have my back. I never have it out with my MIL myself - I speak to my DH privately and stress that I do care about MIL and want to deal with the issue respectfully. He’s always made it clear that I’m his priority and because he knows I won’t create an issue unless it’s really important to me, he will always go away and fix the issue with his mum and have any difficult conversations. This means that she can’t paint me as the difficult one and reinforces that DH and I are a team.

When I first had kids, sometimes MIL drove me a little batty giving them too many sweets or whatever, but honestly, as my kids have gotten older I have more perspective on this. The more people to love a child the better. Grandparents are there to spoil a child, give too many sweets or too much TV or buy them plasticky toys. I know that one day my MIL won’t be here, and I’ll be glad to know my kids have so many fun memories with her. All those little things which feel so important in the moment (like the time my MIL gave my 12mo his first taste of ice cream without asking me) just don’t feel important once time passes.

😂😂😂

Why would you swap one bad mil for another bad mil?