My husband and I have been married for 2 years, together for 9 years. Yesterday he asked me why I hate his mother, told me that it makes him sad because she always goes to so much trouble to please everyone. I don't hate his mother, I told him so, but he doesn't believe me. I told him that I don't hate her, but that I do dislike her because her "pleasing everyone" thing is just an act, that she just basically always ignores everyone's actual wishes and does as she pleases, so I prefer to keep my distance. He's now in a huff, because apparently I just decided to dislike her for no reason and am being petty. So AIBU to dislike her, am I being irrational? Sorry but this is going to be a long one:
It's true that I don't particularly like her. It would be easier if I could just name one strong reason for my dislike, but it's more the bigger picture. I'll try to describe a few situations where his mother "stood out negatively":
- She always tells me to tell her honestly if something goes too far or I don't like anything she does. But when I did talk to her once (she - out of the blue - started ironing clothes, including my underwear, and I asked her never to do that again) I found out later that she told my husband how much I had hurt her, when all she wanted to do was help.
- She interferes everywhere. She looks in every drawer, even rearranged our kitchen utensils because "it's better this way". She basically treats our house as hers, I had to beg my husband to not give his parents our new keys, because they used the old ones to just let themselves in whenever - of course, always "to help out", which we have never asked for.
- Our wedding. My mum died a year before our wedding. During all the preparations, she kept hinting that she wished to replace my mother in certain situations, kept reminding me that "you don't have a mother". For me, the loss was still very raw, I missed my mum every step of the way, and these comments really hurt me, so I distanced myself from her and stopped telling or showing her stuff. She wanted to help me prepare on the day of the wedding, but I declined - I preferred just spending the morning with my oldest friend. But she came to my hotel room anyway, together with two of her sisters-in-law, then just sat there, and kept asking me if I liked her dress - I honestly couldn't care less about her dress on my own wedding day. She also ignored our wishes and tried to enforce "family traditions". The evening of the wedding, she pulled my husband aside and started crying because she didn't feel involved and hated being left out. She has been left out and I could understand her wanting to address that - but the decision to do that on our wedding day, and ruin our wedding for my husband, was a conscious, premeditated decision and totally inappropriate in my opinion.
- Another example is our puppy. Where should I even begin? He doesn't like her because she won't leave him alone. She constantly tries to cuddle and stroke him. No dog likes being touched constantly, so he avoids her. I've tried to tell her to give him some space, that he'll come to her on his own terms, but she won't listen. Instead she has started to feed the dog mountains of treats. I've asked her a thousand times not to give him so many - I have no problem with her giving him the occasional treat, but 200g of beef for a little puppy is just too much, and he gets sick afterwards. She completely ignores me - I stand there asking her to stop overfeeding the dog, and she just continues shoving beef into him... She is so concetrated on her own pleasure while feeding him that she just doesn't care that she's actually potentially hurting him.
I think that's the main problem I have with her - she always knows best and is always very keen on telling everyone what a helpful, involved person she is. For me, she just always has to be the center of attention. She only has one child and only brothers, she is adored in the family and her wishes always take priority. Her "always trying to please everyone" is in my opinion just an act, because she does not really care about the wishes and preferences of other people, she just does as she wants. It's hard to put in words, it seems petty to dislike her for all these little things, but I just can't get over it. Her handling of our puppy has made me reconsider having kids with my husband (he will tell her "no" once but then not react when she does as she pleases anyway, because "she means well"). So AIBU to dislike her so, am I being petty and is my husband right that I should just let it all go and try more?