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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh works all the time - Ruining my maternity

332 replies

joao2570 · 29/11/2023 07:37

My dh runs a business and at the moment, it needs a lot of attention.

But I need a lot of attention too. 8 days ago I had our second baby, and we have a 1 year old too. We've had issues latching which are just resolving and my one year old has been a bit tearful and clingy.

My dh has not taken 2 weeks paternity leave. His reasoning is he just can't. He said he would do the minimum an hour or so a day but it's been lots more. I've been crying every day because I'm so exhausted and hormonal and I feel exhausted after 2 mins with my one year old.

It's turning into lots of hours here or there that I am alone with both children. Today my 1 year old is at nursery, so dh only had to have him a couple of hours in the morning. He's slept upstairs while I've been up all night with the newborn.

Our one year old woke up early and dh left him to cry and woke up me and newborn. On top of that he wants me to have both for an hour this morning so he can work before he takes 1 year old to nursery.

Im exhausted. I only get his help for 2 weeks and I haven't even got that. I'm ready to leave him as I feel work always comes first. I have 2 little children and I don't want them to feel like this either. When my first was born, he did the same thing. I'm still not over it as I was just left on my own looking after a baby while he worked in the other room and expected me to make him lunch!

I'm not asking for much, just the 2 weeks paternity leave so I can heal and be a good mum to my children. Aibu for just wanting my partner to not work and prioritise us for 2 weeks? I feel like he's ruining my maternity both times with this.

OP posts:
aswarmofmidges · 29/11/2023 07:38

Have you got a mum or mil you could stay with

Newbie1011 · 29/11/2023 07:42

He is very very unreasonable not to take the two weeks, I’m so sorry OP. I would be furious too. He sounds like he is being very uncaring, can you talk to him calmly about how seriously let down you feel and how much you need him to be there for you while you recover from the birth?
My DH is a workaholic too and he drives me mad with it but he would never not take the two weeks, it’s so standard these days, what industry is your DP in?

YouveGotAFastCar · 29/11/2023 07:43

Can you afford for him to not work for two weeks?

On the face of it; you’re not being unreasonable at all, but there’s a cost of living crisis and it’s a heavy load to be the sole breadwinner and business owner, so you’ve got no guaranteed pay. It’s one of the reasons I’ve taken a full time job between children - with my first, I spent a lot of time that I should have just been enjoying him worrying about money and clients, and I went back to work in week three.

If he did this the first time too, had you talked to him about how you wanted things to be different this time? Did he agree? Has something changed?

DinkyDonkey2018 · 29/11/2023 07:43

Will your husband taking 2 weeks off impact you all financially? Will work calm down soon so he can take some time off? Is there a family member you can lean on for help?

smilesup · 29/11/2023 07:44

I would be livid too.
If he is unable to organise his business so that he can have 2 weeks off to look after his family at such an important time he is shite at running a business.
Selfish man, I'm sorry you are going through this. Do you have someone else who can help now (and then deal with.Mr Important another time.

BeeDavis · 29/11/2023 07:47

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Chipsahoyagain · 29/11/2023 07:49

I'm ready to leave him as I feel work always comes first. I have 2 little children and I don't want them to feel like this either. When my first was born, he did the same thing.

Yabu for having another when this was a problem you knew about beforehand. B it anyway too late, he needs to be firmly told that he is failing in being a parent. How does he think you can cope with a brand new baby and a 1 year old. This is not acceptable. Do you have any family that could help in the interim? Can you afford to hire a temp nanny or something? I have a one year old and it's impossible to get much done let alone care for a brand new baby.

crumblingschools · 29/11/2023 07:49

Does he have weekends off?

bellac11 · 29/11/2023 07:53

Is he self employed as a sole worker or does he have staff that work for him. Are the staff able to run the business for the 2 weeks without his input

There isnt enough information here about what type of business it is, your financial situation and the staffing situation to say whether he can just up and leave for 2 weeks

Its natural for you to feel low and down and want help but he may not be able to do this right now. Who is the providing the paternity leave if he runs his own business?

closingdownsale · 29/11/2023 07:54

I think you should warm him how close you are to the edge of a breakdown. No human woman is designed to be left on her own with a newborn for the first two weeks. We've never done it in human society.

Some cultures might have had a group of women all gather round and help. In our culture we usually have the baby's father or our mum/sister/even a paid for newborn nanny.

Either way you put it, you can't do it on your own and you need to tell him that.

Self-employment is addictive. Really he needs to put an out of office message on his emails or a sign up in his window saying "I've just had a baby - back in two weeks!"

Bearbookagainandagain · 29/11/2023 07:57

I'm sorry you end up in that situation, you are not unreasonable at all and he's a twat!
Can you go somewhere else for a few weeks, or is someone else able to come stay with you to help? You will need help for more than 2 weeks!

Bearbookagainandagain · 29/11/2023 08:00

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Mariposista · 29/11/2023 08:00

Well if you leave him you will have this problem all the time!
If he did the same with child 1, why would it be any different with #2? What would happen to his business if he didn’t work? Would you as a family take a huge financial hit?
Sounds like you need to seek help from someone else, family member or friend. Crying isn’t going to resolve anything.

WashItTomorrow · 29/11/2023 08:03

There isn’t enough information here. What are your finances like, or the business finances? Can you afford for him to take two weeks off?

Nicole1111 · 29/11/2023 08:05

Definitely explore staying somewhere else.

SoftPillowAllNight · 29/11/2023 08:05

Ask him to pay for a nanny for a month. Someone to help and support you if he can't.

Sunshineandflipflops · 29/11/2023 08:07

I too am wondering why, with him having proven so useless with your first baby, you then have another so quickly and expect him to be different?

I don't know anything about his business to comment on that but he has known this baby is coming and roughly when for 9 months so should have put a plan in place for 2 weeks.

TomatoSandwiches · 29/11/2023 08:09

He has had 9 months to prepare for this, as far as I'm concerned he has no excuse and is negligent and uncaring, unwilling to prioritise his recovering wife and young children, pretty useless tbh although I wouldn't have had another one with him either op.
Can you stay with another family member or have your mum visit and help for a while?

RoseAndRose · 29/11/2023 08:09

Well he's not changed. And it's second time around so you knew what to expect. That doesn't make it any easier for you right now though.

And you need more support, so where are you going to find it from? Your close family is the likeliest or ILs that you like, or close friends, or if you have none who can come over, then pay for maternity nurse/doula/temporary nanny until you are more back on your feet.

maddening · 29/11/2023 08:12

Can you afford a mothers help? A few hours a day would be great

Summermeadowflowers · 29/11/2023 08:12

My DH was similar @joao2570 and I really do sympathise. Mine basically used the two weeks paternity leave to fart around doing jobs he deemed ‘essential’ such as driving a five hour round trip to collect something he’d got on eBay, painting rooms and so on. My c section wound ended up getting infected because I was overdoing it (partly own fault for not wanting toddler to feel left out.)

I think there are some exceptionally unsympathetic responses here: for whatever reason MN often isn’t very kind but this pretty bad even by their standards.

OhwhyOY · 29/11/2023 08:12

I'm so sorry. Tell him it is unacceptable and if he can't prioritise his family then he won't keep them much longer. He needs to step up. Perhaps you can at least agree minimum times where he has BOTH the kids so you can rest?

Plumful · 29/11/2023 08:14

What did you agree before baby was born?

Nosleepforthismum · 29/11/2023 08:22

Oh I’m sorry, that’s really shit. Similar to me and my DH took a grand total of half a day off work after having our second by c-section and I had an 18 month old at home to deal with as well. It was a nightmare but I survived and my DH had no option as something went spectacularly wrong the day before I gave birth and he was let down horribly by one of his employees.

I think there is a difference here though in that your DH is able to WFH? Really, he needs to be doing the bare minimum that’s needed during the day with regard to work and doing the rest when the 1 year old is asleep in bed. Also obviously he’s being a twat not getting up with the kids and lying in bed when you are 8 days post-partum. That alone is grounds for divorce.

Rainyday4321 · 29/11/2023 08:23

Nicely- you knew this was going to be the case, and presumably you’ve spoken to him before about this.

So he is not going to magically step up. You dont say enough about finances and his business to know whether he could if he wanted to, or he really can’t - but it’s somewhat irrelevant.

I’d have a calm conversation and tell him that you are getting a nanny/ mothers help for a few hours each day as it is impossible to manage 2 kids that small on your own 24/7.
And this is a shared expense- not something you pay for yourself.

if he kicks off about the cost- then point out that that this spend is what is allowing him to work instead of taking some paternity leave.

And go back to work soon- don’t be a SAHM.

He doesn’t understand what parenting takes- don’t fall into the trap of doing it all while he thinks it’s a breeze and you end up with no financial independence.