Dh works all the time - Ruining my maternity

[joao2570]

My dh runs a business and at the moment, it needs a lot of attention.

But I need a lot of attention too. 8 days ago I had our second baby, and we have a 1 year old too. We've had issues latching which are just resolving and my one year old has been a bit tearful and clingy.

My dh has not taken 2 weeks paternity leave. His reasoning is he just can't. He said he would do the minimum an hour or so a day but it's been lots more. I've been crying every day because I'm so exhausted and hormonal and I feel exhausted after 2 mins with my one year old.

It's turning into lots of hours here or there that I am alone with both children. Today my 1 year old is at nursery, so dh only had to have him a couple of hours in the morning. He's slept upstairs while I've been up all night with the newborn.

Our one year old woke up early and dh left him to cry and woke up me and newborn. On top of that he wants me to have both for an hour this morning so he can work before he takes 1 year old to nursery.

Im exhausted. I only get his help for 2 weeks and I haven't even got that. I'm ready to leave him as I feel work always comes first. I have 2 little children and I don't want them to feel like this either. When my first was born, he did the same thing. I'm still not over it as I was just left on my own looking after a baby while he worked in the other room and expected me to make him lunch!

I'm not asking for much, just the 2 weeks paternity leave so I can heal and be a good mum to my children. Aibu for just wanting my partner to not work and prioritise us for 2 weeks? I feel like he's ruining my maternity both times with this.

Women staying in hospital for 10 days was commonplace when I was born according to my mum and I'm in my 50s @Robbee

Around the world, even in less affluent cultures, it's widely known that women need and deserve support post partum and cultures that would, by western standards, be considered parochial at best, understand that the new mother and baby need time to recover and heal.

That your stance, as (presumably) an ex child development 'professional' is one of "fgs stop being so selfish, stop making such a fuss, and buck up your ideas" makes me glad that you appear to be retired now.

Women who have given birth need time to recover and heal. Yes female bodies are designed to gestate and birth, but that doesn't mean it's easy to just bounce back as if nothing happened. If that was your experience, great, but it's not universal and it horrifies me that this misogynistic attitude still prevails.

As the chart is incomplete it's impossible to read. As posted here it does not give the result quoted by the poster

You can read the full report here;

<a class="break-all" href="https://webarchive.nationalarchives.gov.uk/ukgwa/20130107105354/www.dh.gov.uk/prod_consum_dh/groups/dh_digitalassets/@dh/@en/documents/digitalasset/dh_4082166.pdf" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">https://webarchive.nationalarchives.gov.uk/ukgwa/20130107105354/www.dh.gov.uk/prod_consum_dh/groups/dh_digitalassets/@dh/@en/documents/digitalasset/dh_4082166.pdf

Up until 1989 the majority of hospital stays in the UK after birth is 4 days or higher, that's just a fact.

@Robbee

How many major surgeries have you had?
How many major surgeries have you had where you’ve had to look after a newborn and another young child in recovery, with no support network??
Have you breast fed?

I know that some women work very long hours and just “get on with it” as you put it, but guess what, most of the women in this position have a lot of familial and friend support, and most of them don’t breastfeed either.

Major surgery such as caesarean in the textbook is a 6 week recovery. However, it can take 3 - 6 months for a woman to totally recover.

Breastfeeding is hugely labour intensive and exhausting, there is no opportunity to hand baby over to Auntie Joan for a feed so you can get some sleep. It is all on the Mum. And the support for breastfeeding Mums is so poor that often problems with latch and so forth that make it more difficult are missed and so Mum and baby struggle on thinking this is normal!!

Yes some women of working class backgrounds may muscle on, or they may end up with social services involvement if they’re in the state that OP is.

OP has money. And she shouldn’t be ashamed of that. She can access a cleaner and child care support easily to improve her situation and to ensure she is able to recover well - which will benefit her and the children in the long run (avoiding infections and complications, as well as a shorter recovery time).

What is the point of people working if they can’t access a better lifestyle for them and their families?!

OP you can afford to do better. So do better!!! And be better.

Do not listen to claptrap on the internet.

It is perfectly reasonable for you to access help right now and I am so glad you’ve gone ahead and improved the situation for yourself taking positive action.

Well done you, all the best 💐

Glad you hve sorted some support but for the love of God sort your contraception out so you aren’t in this position again.

I don't see how this is helpful. What do you want to hear, that I regret my child, if I'd known how this was going to be I wouldn't have done it, that I hate myself for bringing them into a situation like this with a mother who feels like this? Because that's how all these why did you have another baby comments make me feel.

@joao2570 nobody is saying that but you have so much on your plate, your husband is not going to change, so unless you want to be posting this again in a year I would seriously be prioritising contraception.

Would you like to clarify your 'working class background ' comment ? Regardless of op financial situation that phrase is offensive to many and out of the dark ages!

Muddybooties
5 major surgeries so far - 3 more in the pipeline. Walking my greyhound 2 days after a hip replacement, 5 dogs within a week. 3 dogs 3 days after a shoulder replacement.
No I didn't have, or need extra help, just got on with doing all my normal things that i could manage, maybe slower than usual, maybe not as thoroughly, leaving what i couldn't do. My husband did drive me to unavoidable medical appointments - but if necessary i could have used the bus.
Otherwise life went on exactly as normal. Pain-free? Definitely not. Harder work than normal? Certainly. Sleepless nights - you bet
Unusual, exceptional, different, no.
Most ordinary people just get on with what life throws at them without expecting to off load onto others or expecting sympathy for a perfectly normal process even if it is hard work
Yes I breastfed, 1 fed easily, the first didn't latch on, and the midwife who visited every other day wasn't at all sympathetic - some midwives in those days resented the fact that they didn't have the pleasure of the birth, just the pre and post natal work.My children were 15 months apart - i thoroughly enjoyed my time with them as young babies and did not find them a chore - they were no different to anyone else's - cried, had sleepless nights, colic, teething, tummy upsets, disgusting cloth nappies which had to be rinsed, steeped and washed daily as there were no dispisables available at affordable prices and as it was before measles, whooping cough, rubella vaccination, went through all the old childhood ailments too - everyone just did. Family help was not available.
I think talking about the working class having to deal with things themselves goes along way to explaining attitudes on here - dividing people up into class to describe how competent or not they should be doesn't explain why those who are better off financially should feel so entitled that its OK to palm off any hard work onto others.
If you can afford help - fine, go ahead. It doesn't alter the fact that child birth is a perfectly normal process that the vast majority just get on with and do, without the expectation that others will run round after them. Its not an illness, or some new strange happening that only affects todays mothers its gone on since pre human times
If someone really needs help and support the last place it's going to come from is social media. A load of strangers posting comments that largely are just them writing what they think the poster wants to hear over a cup of coffee or in a slack moment. It makes them feel good that they have "supported" the OP.
In fact, they've just planted the idea in other people's heads that they too should expect everyone else to rush round to do everything for them just because they've done something as natural and normal as giving birth and things should be perfect - and when they don't and things are far from perfect they can then post in their turn about how hard done by they are.
If people post on social media asking for views they must accept that they'll receive replies that they don't like as well as those they do.
The people to ask for support from are real people within your life, including officials, not strangers you know nothing about

Muddybooties - from your post

Yes some women of working class backgrounds may muscle on, or they may end up with social services involvement if they’re in the state that OP is.

Implication, whether you like it or not, in the context of the rest of your post, is - its OK for the lesser classes but the rest of us need/deserve more.
I believe in a classless society where nobody is better or more worthy or more deserving than anyone else. That everyone should pull their weight however much money or special ability they have or think they have. Having more money or being especially clever/able doesn't ever make someone a better or more worthy person - only their personal contribution to life can do that

@Nickinoo22

From the dictionary…

“a social group that consists of people who earn little money, often being paid only for the hours or days that they work, and who usually do physical work”

Like my husband’s entire family… they are generally on minimum wage or just above, work incredibly long hours, and would never be able to afford a cleaner or nanny. They have a very tight family group as support to compensate for this. And they are very proud of their background. It’s just a different way of life.

My point to OP was that she has readily available funds to instantaneously improve her situation. Somebody on a lesser income, if they didn’t have family support, would have no choice but to reach out to medics and potential social services to get support services paid for, it’s very lengthy and stressful.

OP is lucky to be able to resolve the problem so easily and should not feel any hesitation in doing so.

With respect, hip and shoulder replacements are different to gynae surgeries.

Please reread my original post to you and follow up comment. I am not saying working class have to get on with it not at all, but pointed out that OP is lucky to have the money to immediately resolve her situation.

Someone on minimum wage or benefits would have to go via social care in the event of post natal depression or physical illness post birth. Payments for cleaners, support and childcare is available via these channels.

Omg, if we are in this dream world where everybody gets the same then why do people work so hard in order to elevate themselves financially?!

The incentive is that with qualification/hard graft the pay off is a better standard of living.

In saying that - all women DO have access to childcare support, to cleaners and other help via UC or social services support payments in the event that things are difficult.

No one has to just get on with it - if a woman has post natal depression or is unwell post birth there are lots of supports available to help ALL.

As I said a working class woman without the income for a nanny could muscle on or she could end up with social services involvement to access support.

For OP her family’s income could preclude her access to most supports, and it seems pointless for her to go through application forms and liaison with social services when she doesn’t have to. They have worked for what they have and now seems a sensible time to use some of that income for the betterment of the family.

@Robbee forgot to tag you. Really and truely, as far as I can see it OP’s situation was almost at the point of medical emergency, not normal service. Whatever her background she deserves support.

Muddybooties
Not all my surgeries were in the past or in the future orthopaedic - once again - assumptions being made.
Have you actually tried getting help for yourself or others in this type of situation from social services if the person concerned is slightly above the financial threshold and doesn't qualify?
Many on the real breadline today, with both parents working full time, don't qualify for any financial help from any source at all.
I take it you are a medical professional to be able to decide that the OP is almost a medical emergency? TBH we've no idea whether the OP in this instance is even genuine - all sorts of people go on forums and post whatever they like for a huge variety of reasons - not always a scam either, just weird reasons beknown only to themselves, to get some sort of reaction?
If someone's in genuine need after childbirth there's a whole network of professionals available to help via the GP, HV.
Posting on social media in this way is more likely to be so that a large number of responses saying the poster is right can be used to put pressure on the person the poster is trying to shame.
Not everything you see on social media is either true or correct, including your posts or mine - just no way of knowing
There's a cut off point for UC and it's the people who might be only a pound or two above that cut off point who are really struggling, hose missing meals, heating, decent clothing, using food and clothing banks just to survive. They get no help.
If a person has a genuine medical need- yes they will get help, but no one posting on here can assume that that is the case in this instance. If it was, this is not the place for answers, friends and family would get that helpful her

@Muddybooties I completely get what you are saying. Most people acknowledge how hard it is and support is there if you need it.

@Robbee I spent 5 years at university and many years working, but I grew up so poor I had free school meals. I watched my mum muscle through, barely surviving, and believe me I wish she'd got help.

This isn't a class divide. All people find childbirth and newborn hard, no matter their background and all people should have access to support. You're the only one who seems to think that's not right.

DH runs his own business. You don't need to tell me the reality.. I live it too.
If I had my time over again, I'd have got a cleaner, some childcare help and not tried to soldier on being superwoman - the only person that suffered was me.

Some of these posts are like a parody. I am not sure if they are intentionally ridiculous!

"When I gave birth, I still went down the pit each day whilst raised 4 children one month apart. Then my leg fell off, which made things harder but I soldiered on and once asked my husband for a lift but could have got the bus or even ridden a horse...".

Parenthood is hard. Child birth is hard. This isn't the suffering Olympics.

Hope you manage to have a serious conversation with your husband and that the much needed outside support alleviates the pressure. You are doing your best and your baby is very loved

I am surprised at the lack of compassion from some people on here. A mother of a young toddler and a tiny baby is admitting she is struggling and some of the replies are spiteful. There’s a time to tell someone “ok you have to deal with it and be a grown up” but at such a fragile point, it’s not the bloody time.
@joao2570 isn’t asking for her entire extended family to scrub her house top to bottom and feed her grapes. She is expecting the father of her children to be present for 2 bloody weeks post C section. Bully for you if you single handedly managed triplets! It’s not unreasonable to expect the father to be supportive for a couple of weeks.

Hey @joao2570
you don’t have to give up/stop breast feeding fully.

Could you do combi?
Or night and morning feeds…?
Or pumping potentially? (You can then maybe move back to breastfeeding when you feel more able)

Glad you got some extra help in.
how many hrs per week and is it helping????

it will (eventually) get easier…

————————————
I wasn’t full of 🫂🫂🫂 for the OP at the start of this thread. My advice was “get a grip. you have the cash: outsource it” even I think some of the responses on here are way OTT and miserable.

I find it utterly unbelievable that you’re being called self centred. You’re barely a week post partum after a c section. When in your life have you ever had a better excuse to be self centred? Besides which, you’re not asking for your husband to look after you (which he should be doing, by the way). You’re asking for him to help look after the two children he helped create.

The veneration of men who Work So Hard is sickening. As if women aren’t also working full time, and carrying the bulk of the responsibilities of childrearing and household management. And what’s this bloody race to the bottom? So what if some women have to cope with 10 babies and a farmyard of animals all by themselves? That’s not what you signed up for. It’s an irrelevant comparison.

Good for you for having better standards for yourself and higher expectations of your partner. You know you’re not being unreasonable. Hold on to your sense of self worth and hold your partner to account - when you’ve got the energy.

For now, with such limited reserves and such immediate needs to be met, I think you’re doing exactly the right thing in finding short term solutions. Maybe revisit the breastfeeding in a few days once the help you’ve arranged has given you some breathing space, since that’s a more long term decision you seem to be regretting?

@Robbee

I grew up comfortable, was homeless, now am comfortable again. I have been a carer for several adults with varying needs and incomes and am now carer for disabled kids.

So I am very aware of social services, benefits and supports available, because I have had to access for myself and/or other people whenever needs arose.

If people do not qualify for support it is because they are beyond the threshold for support - a cut off has to happen somewhere…. But even those on 50k a year may be entitled to some UC…. Are you honestly saying they are just “scraping by” 😂

From OP’s desperation I would have been concerned for her mental health, particularly after caesarean (which I have gone through and it is tough!! Especially when breastfeeding).

I totally disagree about being suspicious; usually when someone is taking the piss it is really obvious. I don’t see any red flags with OP; just a regular tired post natal Mum looking for support.

I also disagree about family always being the first port of call - for instance the family I have available to me were all bottle feeders, the medical professionals were all the same - if I hadn’t asked wide including on social media for help I would never have had adequate breastfeeding support. And it is the same for so many issues.

I don’t see anything wrong with reaching out for help. Most people on here will be decent.

The issue is that so many on MN are intent on being bitchy and argumentative for their own entertainment, rather than having the motive to help others. It’s a real shame.

Muddybooties - so why do so many people who are marginally above the cut off for help have to usese food and clothing banksfif help? Have literally no food in the house a parents go without meals to feed their kids despite both parents working full time?
Maybe not where you live but certainly in our area its happening all too often . If they could get financial help obviously they would - and we're talking intelligent professional people in many cases, perfectly capable of finding things out and jumping through whatever hoops there are. They still find themselves fractionally above the cut off

Sounds like @Robbee wants everyone to know she’s had everything soooooo much harder than the OP and she coped so much better. Unfortunately, there was no martyr medals.

@joao2570 posted to ask if she was being unreasonable (some said she is but fortunately,
not to be spiteful) and to seek support from other parents on a parenting forum.

Mental and emotional health post partum is important. It’s a very vulnerable time. I, for one, do not think it’s unreasonable to expect your own partner - father of the child - to be supportive for a couple of weeks post C section. Anyone who thinks it’s acceptable needs to raise their standards. I know there are some jobs where the man genuinely can’t take time off but in many cases, it’s the “big important man” not prioritising.

Birth is a natural process but the medical (physiological and emotional and mental health) implications can be very much not natural.

@Robbee The cut off is not insubstantial.
One could argue that people who find themselves in such a situation with joint income of 50-100k, perhaps need to ask themselves if they are living beyond their means in an area they are unable to afford.